[Patagonia]

Last wk was terrible & it led to SI. I've been good since. It's been very hard to hide from my H. I even thought about which side of my body is next to him in bed so I he wouldn't notice.
Last night he wanted to be intimate & soon enough he turned the light on! The old question of "when did this happen?" Came up & I only said it was old. I know he's angry & hasn't talked to me since.
Usually I feel very ashamed about it. I think he even emailed my T to tell her but I'm not sure. Part of me is angry w/ him & this part is new. I go to a women's group & we talked about SI saying in some parts of the world it's an acceptable way of coping & no one has the right to judge. I know it's not a great way to handle stress,duh, but I'd like to stop feeling so ashamed about it. It's not like I can talk to him about it. It just disgusts him.
Any words of advice?
Thanks

Advice....

1) Be honest. Always, always, always. You do not HAVE a relationship if you can not be honest. I know it may freak him out. It very well could *end* the relationship. But KNOW that this is true - if he can not handle this - how will he handle severe problems later in life???

2) Stay with your therapy. Maybe find a support group (if you are not in one) to help you through rough patches.

3) TALK to someone. Not just "text", but talk...... Someone you know, a friend, someone you trust, online friend (exchange phone #s), or me.

[gayleggg]

Useless Me, has some great advice. I don't know that I can add to it, but work on coping skills. Good luck and stay safe.

[Patagonia]

I guess I deserved it!
My H turned around & sent my T an email last night about me. No I didn't get to read it.
Ugh!!

[Victoria'smom]

Emailing your T means he cares and worries about you. Please try not to be upset at him for contacting your T. I usually tell my husband "Sorry, you weren't souppose to find that. I was having a hard time with XXXXXX"

My H gets mad because he almost feel like I'm cheating on him.

[Patagonia]

He gets mad bec he thinks it's just stupid & that I do it on purpose for attention. If I was wouldn't I show him? He just doesn't understand the need for it he says.
I know he's showing his concern by emailing my T but I wish he would've cc'd me in on the email so I wouldn't feel so dumb when she asks. I just had a hunch that he did it.
Reminds me of a tattle tailer


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[Patagonia]

My H hasn't talked, touched or looked @ me since Sunday. The shame & self hate makes it hard to breath

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[falsememory7]

Patagonia, have you ever sat down and talked to him about why you have done it? Why you do it? How sometimes and some days, things get so unbearable, and so unbelievably terrible, that SI feels like the best thing? I've been there, and done that too, and relapsed, and got caught, and relapsed, and got caught, and disgusted and shamed some important people in my life... However, you and him have a serious relationship. He should be your comfort, and you his. I think you should try sitting down with him and talking about it, even though it is such a painful subject. Try to get him to understand where you're coming from - you're not asking him to agree, but to just understand that it's a part of you, just like he is. And you're not doing this for attention, but because it's... nature. I hope you stay strong, and get even stronger

[Patagonia]

Thank you for the advice & I will try & talk to him again.

I did try yesterday to talk to him. Told him I was here to listen to what he had to say, but he said he was so appalled by seeing that stuff again that he doesn't wanto talk. He doesn't know who I am & says he can't trust me w/ anything. That hurt bec I'm a full time S@H mom so I guessed he meant w/ the kids. He said she wants & needs his wife back.
To me right away I think another word for wife is slave & I'm not doing everything a wife should for the amount of time I'm home. The house should not be this chaotic or messy, wash should b done, meals made, ironing done, kids entertained so when he comes home he can relax. He does come home & does house chores I didn't get to like starting a load of wash, cleaning up the kitchen etc. things I guess he shouldn't have to do. He is a kept man & is very used to that. When I'm depressed I throw a wrench into everything including all his after work plans. Now he feels like he has to check up on me I guess. There's definitely a power struggle there.
If I try to talk to him about why I SI I'm not sure he'll listen bec he doesn't even understand why I'm depressed when I have a cushy life. I will try again to talk to him so he sees my side I'm just afraid of the consequences when I put myself out there.
My T's have asked him a couple of times to come in & have a session w/ me. He says he's too busy.
I feel extremely alone & have been for a very long time but once again if I tell him that he says he's not responsible for my unhappiness.

I don't know what to do. All my triggers have lined up for SU but the only thing that keeps me here are my kids. I can't leave them when theyre so little.

[falsememory7]

Oh, Patagonia, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I wish I could make your H more understanding, and take away your pain... Do you have a T? Or someone you could turn to? It's just so frustrating to feel your loneliness - I wish I could do more to help. If you ever want to talk more about this, feel free to pm me - I would love to talk to you. I know how it feels to be depressed, and to be incredibly lonely, and I hope that you feel happier soon. Your kids do need you, and we all need you here at PC too. Hold on

[Patagonia]

Thank you falsememory I will take you up on that when I have some energy.

So today I'm exhausted. Spent just about the entire day cooking & cleaning mostly. I'm wiped out. Only way I could do this was to be a bad mom & plop my 3 yr old in front of a screen. I'm still trying to get more done before he gets home.
He did text me today & said "YOU need to make better & healthier choices." I told him that once again I'm alone in this. I'd like to share it w/him but can't bec he doesn't understand. I told him to google 'why people self injure'. Thinking maybe this would she'd some light for him & it wouldn't be coming from me. They all say basically the same thing.
I didn't hear back from him.
The urge to SI is strong but the shame is stronger & the feeling of how trapped I am.

I called my T today 6 hrs ago & told her a lot of my triggers were lining up & my SU were ramping up.
Yup 6 hrs ago!

[Patagonia]

Tonite my H said he thinks he wants a divorce.

No words

I am so sorry I wish I had something to say to help thinking of you

[reesecups]

So sorry this is happening to you. So many people do not understand SI if they've never done it. Some people think that it is a suicidal thing. If your therp has known before that you did it, can you maybe talk to him/her and see if they can explain it to him? May not help but...

If your therp did not know of it until now, I wish you luck. But maybe it will be freeing to talk to that person. I used to be very ashamed but thanks to my therp I was constantly told it was a coping mechanism and that it was okay. That I was going to need to learn other ways to cope. Am I successful. I don't know that. I haven't SI'd since July, and I've been able to cope when triggered a couple of times. But I can't say that I won't do it again. One day at a time.
Good luck.

[falsememory7]

Oh wow, I'm so sorry Patagonia, that you're going through this. I am so sorry. Hang in there... I'm always here for you

[reesecups]

I am so sorry to. Wow! What a terrible thing. Talk as much as you like please, we're there for you. Take care

[Patagonia]

We barely talk if just for the sake of the kids. He's taken to sleeping on the couch. There's no hellos or goodbyes just walking out.
I'm supposed to wait until he's ready to talk. Except he doesn't know exactly when that'll be! So I sit & wait like a good wife. My voices are screaming for punishment but I can't do a thing bec of him! I feel like such a child.
Honestly when he first mentioned divorce I wasn't surprised. He just kept saying how tired he was. I can't fault him for that. It's true I've been a very heavy burden for him to drag along.

When he said it I wanted to run. First I was going to go to a women's shelter but figure I'm not being abused they wouldn't take me. Then I thought I'd take a bus to...anywhere. I have cash socked away & I could just go. Then I think of my kids. How would all this be explained to them? I just don't have anymore answers.

I wish he'd ask me to leave. Then I could be on my own bec he asked, instead of me taking the initiative. I'm never good @ that.

I don't know what else to do but sit & wait to be called to be lectured to. Like goin to the principals office.

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[falsememory7]

I know this is one of the darkest times that you've been through, Patagonia, but I can see that you're really holding on. It sounds like the roughest thing is that you have to wait until your husband is ready to talk, and he isn't... That's really scary and lonely, and I wish I could fix this. Yet, honestly, I'm not sure where to begin. Did your T give you any advice on how to deal with this?

[doyoutrustme]

Your husband is clearly very upset, but his response to your cutting is extremely emotionally abusive.

If he wants his wife back he should be supportive and learn how to help instead of hurt further.

Can your therapist recommend a good marital counselor?

[doyoutrustme]

Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology

[Patagonia]

We're supposed to have a joint session but he hasn't made the time. I guess he's deciding whether he wants to put anymore time into this marriage. In the mean time I wait & try not to SI. It's so very tempting. If he doesn't care why should I?
He's being very tight lipped & I haven't heard from my T's at all. Sent 2 emails last week & 2 desperate phone calls this weekend & still nothing. I feel dumped & abandoned. Voices are getting very dark & tempting.
I try to stay busy, stay involved w/ my kids or clean something. Basically it's expected.
I just don't know what else to do. I'm on my last straw. If it wasn't for my kids I'd be so out of here!

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[Patagonia]

I emailed my H asking him where we stood. Do I need to move out or are we getting a divorce or are we still working together? Pretty bad we're not talking but I did get an answer from him via email so I was surprised.
So was ok, that he does want me well, but some was inflammatory. He wanted to know if I didn't have the capacity to get better? The ability or the drive to get better because I was before. Now he's wondering if I faked our good yrs of our marriage! He said nothing of helping me. Just basically that it's all up to me & what I wanted. What healthy choice was I going to make for our family.

All I kept reading was...it's my fault, it's my fault which just makes me reach for a sharp w/ little willpower.

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[doyoutrustme]

He clearly doesn't understand that It's not as simple as a choice. Can he tag along for a t session?

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*** Sorry in advance..... probably very inappropriate.... but I can not help myself. I see the title of your post and I think of George Castanza (Seinfield) when he got caught by his mom.... "master of his domain episode".

[Patagonia]

Omg! To funny Useless. Too funny.

H has come around a bit, but still basically doesn't understand the thinking behind SI or anything about PTSD. I can't even think about self harm bec of his punishments especially of being ignored. I'm not sure which is worse.

Now I feel like I'm on a roller coaster & on the high side. I'm not manic, but my moods are all over the place...it's exhausting

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