[Idiot17]

I want to give in, in an extreme way. I want to see all the gore, all the torn tissue, all the blood oozing out. I want to lay limp with exhaustion after the cutting session. Simple blood and cuts don't do it for me.So what's stopping me? The need is so great, my whole body is trembling with the need to release it. I want to stay in one place all months long and just sit and carve and tear and destroy. Until there is nothing more to destroy. It's the only time i can actually feel something other then sadness

[atomicc]

Do you have anyone you can call, a therapist, or friend? Perhaps even a crisis line? I hope that you will stay safe, you are strong enough to beat the urges.

[celtic.starlite]

Hello,

I'm sorry you are dealing with these urges. I hope that you are able to keep yourself safe.

Celtic

Originally Posted by Idiot17

I want to give in, in an extreme way. I want to see all the gore, all the torn tissue, all the blood oozing out. I want to lay limp with exhaustion after the cutting session. Simple blood and cuts don't do it for me.So what's stopping me? The need is so great, my whole body is trembling with the need to release it. I want to stay in one place all months long and just sit and carve and tear and destroy. Until there is nothing more to destroy. It's the only time i can actually feel something other then sadness

I'm so sorry you feel this way, Idiot17. But I understand the feeling. In the past I was a head banger to the point where I damaged my hearing & developed a torn retina in one eye. My ears now whistle all the time (Tinnitus) & I have a condition that is referred to as: Meniere's Disease which affects my balance. But it could be even worse than it is. And bashing my head again the way I used to, would undoubtedly make it worse... to the point where I simply couldn't stand to exist any longer. (There's no cure.) So even though I ache to do it again, I cannot. The consequences could be both devastating & deadly.

I don't know why this happens. But for some reason, for those of us who are self-abusive, we have the need to keep doing more-&-more of what we do to ourselves. It's addictive... not unlike alcohol & drugs. I hope you are getting some help with your compulsion. I do think, based on my own experience, that pent-up anxiety plays a role in self-harm. And, of course, just as you mentioned in your post, the need to self-harm can also create even more anxiety all by itself when it goes unfulfilled.

[jacq10]

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain

Do you have anyone that you can reach out to? Somewhere safe you can go?

I worry that if you don't do either of those things that you will end up really hurting yourself and having a harder time fighting away those thoughts

[Idiot17]

Thanks all for your responses. On the surface i do not believe im in danger otherwise i wouldn't of posted.
I just wish their is someone that i can ask to take away my blades, not that it'll prevent cutting but just so someone knows where i'm standing.

[celtic.starlite]

I can understand the wishing you had someone there to take the blades away. I, too, wish I had that. The truth is, we do have that. The person we have who can take those blades away is ourselves. No, it is not the same as having somebody do it for you, but it can be very empowering.
Just hang in there and keep talking with us. Let us know if ther's something we can do for you.
Be Safe,

Celtic

Hang in there, I know those urges all too well!

(((((((Idiot17)))))))

[Fuzzybear]

[jacq10]

How are you doing today?

[Idiot17]

Thinking of gore nonstop. Nearly admitted to someone that i'd love mass destruction on myself. All bloody.
But otherwise i'm doing great just awesome, thanks for asking.

Honestly, i don't know what to do anymore. Maybe it's better off giving in already, easier then struggling.

[celtic.starlite]

Have you found any coping skills or just anything in the past that has helped ease the urges some?

Celtic

[Idiot17]

I don't any coping skills, nothing works. And my SH never associated to sui before so there wasn't really a need.

[jacq10]

(((((((Idiot17))))))

I'm really worried about you. Things seem to be escalating (or at least not improving)... can you reach out to a hotline or something - assuming that you don't feel like you can reach out to anyone IRL?

It's one thing to be consumed by thoughts of SH or mass destruction, and another one to be wondering if you should be giving in to the thoughts.

And I think you DO have coping skills. You are aware that your thoughts are causing you distress, and you ARE reaching out to people on here. You have not yet succumbed to your intrusive SH thoughts (or if you have, I'm assuming its not to the extent that you are thinking), and that is HUGE! You are also supportive to others on this board, which tells me that you have compassion, and that it is possible for you to learn how to turn that compassion on to yourself - because you deserve it. Just as much as anyone else here.

Just remember, these are just THOUGHTS. You are in control of your behaviours. So go and do something. Go for a walk, watch a movie, listen to music.... do anything to try and stop your thoughts from going to those dark places. And try and remember that thoughts come and go, and the intensity will come and go.

Hang in there, and please seek help for yourself if you find those thoughts more appealing. Know that there are people who care for you.


Jacq

[Idiot17]

What's the purpose in a hotline, what good can it do.

I'm going to try taking a walk and see where my thoughts lead me then. Honestly it doesn't feel like it comes and goes, these intense thoughts are with me for a while now.

[celtic.starlite]

The hotline would give you someone to talk to. How you feel about checking yourself into a hospital/facility? I think you may need a professional to help you get rid of these thoughts.

Please stay safe,

Celtic

[waggiedog]

Hello hunny. Oh please please try and stay safe. I KNOW that's easier said than done, I've been cutting for the last 30 plus years. Sometimes I can distract myself and other times I can't. I've been doing DBT and I'm trying to use the distracting methods I've learnt. I do also put ice cubes on my arms or the body parts I'm harming. This also can stop me cutting, it's a kind of pain so I guess that's why. Please do come back and let us know you are OK, or we'll worry about you. HUGS. xxxxxxxxx

[Idiot17]

I would never have the strength to check myself into a hospital. I can count on one hand how mamy people know i SH/ have mh.
I don't see how a hotline can help me much.

Didn't end up taking a walk....feel worse....i wish i have the strength to conquer this.

[smmath]

You have a great amount of strength, but strength has nothing to do with needing help or dealing with this. You need support that not amount of intelligence or strength you have can provide replace that. Hugs honey.

[jacq10]

I agree with what the others have said above. Its not a matter of strength, you have shown amazing strength, but its ok to ask for help sometimes. Clearly what you are doing is not helping you feel better, and it might be a good idea to have just a little but more support - in whatever way you think you can.

Originally Posted by Idiot17

I would never have the strength to check myself into a hospital. I can count on one hand how mamy people know i SH/ have mh.
I don't see how a hotline can help me much.

Didn't end up taking a walk....feel worse....i wish i have the strength to conquer this.

Hello Idiot17: I hope this is not too brazen. But there's an old saying. "If wishes were horses, then beggars could ride." (There's another old saying that gets to the same point. But I won't write that one here.) The point is, wishing you had the strength to conquer this, or wishing it would just go away, etc. won't accomplish anything. You have to DO something. And the reality is there are, for the most part, only a few main options: see a therapist, go to the hospital, get into some type of self-abuse treatment program, etc. You need support to overcome your self-abuse & intrusive thoughts. And that support has to come from somewhere. The question is: will you reach out & make it happen, or will you wait until your situation becomes so dire that it is forced upon you? I hope you can find the strength to choose the former.

[Idiot17]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hello Idiot17: I hope this is not too brazen. But there's an old saying. "If wishes were horses, then beggars could ride." (There's another old saying that gets to the same point. But I won't write that one here.) The point is, wishing you had the strength to conquer this, or wishing it would just go away, etc. won't accomplish anything. You have to DO something. And the reality is there are, for the most part, only a few main options: see a therapist, go to the hospital, get into some type of self-abuse treatment program, etc. You need support to overcome your self-abuse & intrusive thoughts. And that support has to come from somewhere. The question is: will you reach out & make it happen, or will you wait until your situation becomes so dire that it is forced upon you? I hope you can find the strength to choose the former.

Not to brazen, I appreciate honest opinion.

I would love to do something about it rather then just wishing it away. In the past on my way to the hospital to check myself in my feet just stopped moving. It refused to continue further. Mentally I couldn't do it and it totally forced me to stop doing it physically. And when I'm dying to get the words out of my mouth and tell somekne. I get stuck mid way and that just gets me frustrated and the other worried. So yea I tried doing something about it as well.

I would perfer if it's the former and I reach out for help before it's forced upon me. Yet again, I'm too stubborn for my own good and I just couldn't do it. Even when help was forced upon they gave up since I wasn't willing enough.

[jacq10]

You can do it! We can help you take those important steps towards taking care of yourself!

Okay... I am understanding this now. I'm an old man at this pont. And I hid my mental health challenges for over 5 decades. I've written previously that if denial were blankets, I'd have been crushed by the weight. Awhile after turning 50, I had a bout with cancer & my ability to hide my struggles gradually unwound until I finally made my 1st serious suicide attempt.

When I was growing up, where I grew up, admitting to having a mental illness would have been similar to admitting to original sin! My parents would, I'm sure, have better understood me going to prison, than going to a mental hospital. They wouldn't have liked it... but they'd have at least understood prison. So, for me, the prospect of acknowledging that I was struggling with mental health problems was anathema! Of course, what ultimately happened was that I just unraveled emotionally. I've been struggling ever since. And, unfortunately, because I lived in complete denial for so many years, at this point, it's just too late to do much about any of it.

It sounds to me, Idiot17, as though you are in a similar situation. You're staggering under a mountain of embarrassment and denial. You just can't bring yourself to accept, that you have mental health problems & to seek out the help you need. But, I have to tell you, that if I had it to do over again, I'd shout it from the rooftops. I'd get it out there because keeping it bottled up inside is much worse. And, ultimately, it's going to come out one way or another. It has to.

So you can either choose how & when it comes out & get some help before it destroys your life, or you can just stay snuggled up under that mountain of denial & embarrassment; in which case it will all come tumbling down of its own accord leaving you with even more embarrassment as a result of the circumstances under which it is likely to come out. Again... I hope you can find the strength to seek out the help you need.

[Idiot17]

The prison analogy you mentioned describes to a tee how my parents would react. I would dream of shouting about it from the rooftops, I can just imagine the liberation. The ease on my mind and shoulders as it would be coming out of my private domain out to the whole world. Another fantasy/wish?

It's getting all complicating and in depth as to why I'm paranoid to get help.

At this point I feel it's none to zero on feeling better. But I want to prove to myself that I can do it. Yet maybe I should just prove to myself that I can be successful in what I attempted in the past. Idk.

I appreciate you guys help and replies. Hugs to you all struggling.