This is more of a rant.

I wasn't sure where to put this, if this is wrongly placed I am sorry.

Anyway,
I'm struggling with injuring personal areas of my body. I have been feeling so disgusted with myself. I think my disgust of my body comes from past sexual abuse.
I feel horrible. I hate my sex so much I just wish I could cut it all off my body, everything that makes me a girl, I want to get rid of. I just want to be genderless. I don't want anything to do with being a girl.

I have struggled with self harm in the last including biting (so hard that I break the skin), cutting and I've flirted with burning but lately...
[Triggering]

I did this a few years ago where I took a pair of scissors and actually tried to cut off my genitals. It just frustrated me so much and now I really want to get a pair of scissors and finish the job. I hate myself so much.
I have been cutting my breasts, again, because I hate them so much.

I just don't want to be a girl. I don't want to be a sexual being, I don't want to be anything.

Tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way? I just want to know I'm not batshit, you know?

[kaliope]

I hope some people answer you post with personal experience. But I know from a class I took that you are not alone. what you are feeling, what you are doing is not at all uncommon. you are so not alone. take care

[Frankbtl]

Hi Kori, really sorry you're having such a hard time, and NO you're NOT batshit
I'm afraid that I can't speak from personal experience either, but I know that plenty of people who have suffered from abuse follow through with the same or similar feelings/SI you're experiencing. And of course it's understandable.
You know we could talk about SI coping techniques..........distraction............journaling.........replacing it with..............and some of those may help "as much as they can", but I'd say that a real important thing in this is to get some (more?) help with what happened to you. Are you getting some help with it, right now???
And although I know this might not mean much (if anything) to you right now, but please try not to hate yourself. You didn't choose for the abuse to happen, the abuser/s had no right to be hurting you then, and they/what they did certainly have/has no right to be hurting you now. I'm sure no-one on here would/should see you as disgusting as a result of what happened to you, so please try to "give yourself a break". I know all that is so much easier read than actually believed/felt for you but................

Alison

You are not the only one who feels this way, and you are not crazy!

I hope you are getting professional help with these issues.

I have a wonderful, understanding, non-judgmental therapist, and I'm certain there are more like her out there.

They can help us come to terms with what happened to us and how it made us feel about ourselves.

They can also help us learn to love ourselves.

I hope you find a way to be extra patient, gentle & kind with yourself and your body.

I'm learning to injure less and have even started doing stuff like patting myself on the arm or tummy while telling myself that everything is going to be okay, and even taking colorful markers and drawing stuff on me in lieu of hurting myself.

I hope you can find a creative outlet while you heal ... We deserve to treat ourselves better than how we got treated early on.

,
Pfrog!

I tried listening to what you all had to say, and I appreciate it.

It's just, I'm so damn frustrated and triggered.

I'm going to damn cut myself to bits and pieces because no one gives a **** about anyone anymore. Especially not here. The people who call themselves my "friends" don't give a rats *** about me.

I'm a freak, a weirdo. I'm just going to chop everything off. I don't care anymore. No one cares. If I died tonight no one would give a damn.

It's all ending anyways

No one gives a damn about anyone in this world anymore
This world is a horrible, terrible, hideous place to live.

The good people are so far and few between it's not even worth it to live anymore. There's nothing here anymore. It's just bad bad bad bad.

I'm bad bad bad bad.

I'm a damn freakshow.

I'm a piece of **** and I have no place on this earth.

So I'm just going to go. You won't hear from me anymore, I won't bother you anymore. I'll finally be happy, and leave all the bad people here on this miserable, god forsaken planet.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Kori, and I seriously appreciate that you've tried listening to us. It's got to be so hard for you and I do "get" the pain.................and what you're reading/hearing just turns into "meaningless words" right??
But whatever..........I care!!!! And you know it probably feels like no-one cares, and no-one understands, but that's as much about you having so much to cope with.........and understandably so!!!
But please stick with us, please stick with the fight to move past this. You ARE worth so much more than what happened to you.
I know I don't "know" you, but no-one (NO abuser) EVER has the right to make ANYONE be feeling the way you're feeling. I know it's all too real for you now, but there can be a way ahead. So please, please, please give yourself a chance. There really is still help to be got, it might take time but...........

Alison

This makes me very to hear Kori ...

Those of us who've read what you wrote up there and taken the time to respond? ...

We DO Give A Damn!

I hope you decide (as painful as life is and can be) to stick around and give yourself the time to learn to love yourself and really, really heal.

I'm going to tell you what I truly believe ...

I truly believe that a person's choice whether or not to stick around is theirs and theirs alone, however, if you do decide to go that route:

There will be a hole in this Universe where you're supposed to be (and actually do belong) and that will be a very sad thing!

Indeed!

Hoping you decide to stick around and give it one more try, not only now, but everytime you feel this strongly about destroying yourself.

,
Pfrog!

I'm sorry, Pfrog

I really do appreciate what you've all been trying to do for me. It's been helpful reading your responses.

I've just been having a hard time. This time of year is always hard for me.
I have a hard time accepting the support of others. I just don't feel like I deserve it and then I wonder why I ever asked and it makes me feel so horrible.

I feel horrible now, I know you all are trying to help me, and I appreciate it so very much. I'm just not the best at accepting support, I guess.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Kori, I know it can be real hard being between needing support and not being able to accept it, but perhaps see it as you doing us a favour by trying to take it on board if you can, hey??
Because we care, we want to be there for you, and whatever you think about yourself we think you deserve support.
So not about accepting it, OK?? More about you giving us a chance to be doing what we want to be doing, yes???
And we absolutely get it really isn't easy for you, and there are no quick fixes. And it's absolutely fine for you to be saying how much you're struggling, how things aren't helping (I'd say swear at us too, but the mods don't allow that ). In fact that's all good, there are going to be hard times on the road to recovery. But just don't give up on us, hey??
We say you're worth it!!!!!

Alison

[RedSun]

Hey Kori

I worked with a girl who tried similar SI, she had also suffered SA. She was okay, in the end. It took a long time, but I think she found a good combination of meds and a great t who really helped. I hear that it's so hard, and I'm sorry we cannot be actually with you to help you through. Can you call a crisis line and talk to someone! Please hang on in there. The spring will come round again, and the sun will shine...please stick around to feel it. Xx