why do you harm yourself?

Just wondering what causes us to want to hurt ourselves and self destruct. Self harm can come in so many forms. Hope everyone who is hurting finds help soon.

The past couple times have been two different things. The first one: self-hatred. So kind of punishing myself. The second time was more feeling pain inside and feeling like I needed to feel that pain on the outside.
I'm now on a safety plan with my T and am supposed to call her before I would do any self-harm.

It's a strong intense urge like a scratch you can't get rid of unless you scratch it other times there's a reason like last time i did it i had just had a talk with my mom that hurt and i needed a release

Sent from my SM-T210R using Tapatalk

I did some minor harms just because I felt disappointed in myself and had to let it out somehow. As the self-loathing evolved, I began seeing the emotional pain as an important aspect of who I was.
It's odd to think about. Most people explode on others; I exploded on myself.

Lonesome, I do the self-hatred thing a lot as well and think a lot of self-harm is due to that. Glad to hear you are on a safety plan and hope that you stay safe.

Passionfruit, sorry to hear about your talk with your mom that triggered you. Self-harm does provide release of those painful and intense feelings. Hope you are able to find a way to release those feelings without hurting yourself in the future.

roboanxia, I agree how it is anger turned inward. And yes, the identity thing with the emotional pain being a part of who we are now. That has been an identity for so long for me now. I won't allow myself to be happy most of the time. I think I fear being any different as it is just who I am now. Have you ever heard of how our weight has a set point that is most comfortable for our bodies to be at and so they will gravitate to that point? There's emotional set points as well. I think mine has found a comfortable "normal" that includes being in emotional pain all the time and alternating between not feeling much to feeling all these painful, intense emotions. It is mostly at the not feeling much end of the spectrum for now, which feels normal now. I guess I would rather take that end of the spectrum instead of the painful, intense emotional side. But then the self-harm can also be a way to feel something when you feel nothing and want to feel something again. This way the pain is in your control--what, where and when the pain happens--instead of it happening when we don't want it to.

Hope everyone doing well and staying safe.

Thank you, angelicgoldfish. Part of it was a substance I was using to reduce sex drive. Lots of problems here.

Because I think it'll help with the pain inside. In my mind, it's kind of like bloodletting.

It varies. When I first started it was because everything was so out of my control I needed something that I was in control of. Other times like breadfish said, I think it will help with all the pain I feel inside. There have been times when I have done it to prevent me doing something worse.. Mostly though I do it for a release. It always feels like there is something building up inside of me and have to release that pressure before it gets worse.

Yeah, I guess it's kind of like crying in that way. That it builds up, and you just need the release and then (sometimes) feel better afterward.

Yes exactly! Although I am not much of a crier, maybe that's why I lean more towards self harm to release everythng.

At first, I cut exclusively to train myself to commit suicide later on. Then it was used as punishment. And now I cut even just went I want to let my feelings out by watching myself bleed. It's the blood more than the pain for me, that I really get off on. There's something comforting about drawing my own blood. I don't know what it is. But there you go.

I would do it if I was crying and couldn't stop. It gave me something to focus on instead of the internal (emotion-type) pain. But yeah, as a release for sure.

(((StillIntending))))
Are you getting any kind of treatment for your depression?

I hadn't thought about it being connected to this but now that you mention it, totally makes sense I think. For me it would be to deal with sexual feelings, but not to reduce them I don't think, since they are not that intense for me. I agree though, lots of problems there, I think for a lot of us.

Yup, the control thing. It is a way to take control of what you feel pain about and when. I have gotten way worse over time about the control thing. I think it's cause my dad was so controlling of everything growing up (and still is) including me. You can't control a person. So it probably contributed to SI that way. I also think it was anger towards him turned in on myself. Because you couldn't get mad at or express anger towards him. It was a one way street there - he could get mad and yell and all, but no you could not ever do anything like that back. So idk, go and take all that and those emotions and get rid of them through SI.

It's pretty rare that I do it (which actually makes it more frightening), but when I do it's to "punish" myself, to physically give voice to all that self-directed rage and guilt.

Unfortunately, no, I am not. For reasons I won't go into now, I can't tell my parents about my depression, and so I'm pretty much stuck, at least until I turn 18.

I think it was because I was bored. I never particularly liked the pain, or dealing with the blood. I liked the scars afterwards, and looking at what I had done to myself. I like the deepness of the cuts and how such a little 'scrape" could produce so much blood.

This makes me concerned about you. Is there a guidance counselor at your school you could go talk to without your parents knowing? You can check at the office and let them know you would like to see the guidance counselor. Not sure what school you are going to but all mine have had them - and I talked with all of them at every school (elementary, middle, high school, & college). It helped some. There's also hotlines you can call--please do if you are feeling suicidal:

Need help? United States:

1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish
Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

I'm glad you found your way to the psych central forums and hope you can find some of the support you need here. There are many here who are going through similar experiences and struggles. Please stay safe and take care of you first before anyone else.

Why do you say it is more frightening to do it rarely? Sorry about not understanding. I do get how it is pretty effective in the self-punishment department. So what kinds of things do you punish yourself over? Must be pretty bad if it is few and far between. Only thing about it being a way to deal with the rage and guilt towards self is that it becomes a rewarding behavior (meaning we feel better afterwards and therefore more likely to keep repeating it to get the same feeling). Then the more we do it, the more it becomes our go to. Sounds like you have some other ways of coping though, which can be good so long as not harmful to self. I hope for you to find a way to be kind to yourself, and allow yourself the opportunity to learn and grow instead of taking it out on your body.

I can see that. Many self-harming behaviors seem to become more frequent when we are unable to find something else meaningful to do with our time. I think with many harmful things we do to ourselves, there is an adjustment period where our body has to learn to adapt to a behavior that is ultimately hurting it.

Our bodies are quite adaptable and resilient. They strive to stay healthy and in balance. So it makes sense how a person (their body) would not being harmed so much. Maybe the scars remind you of your inner strength and bravery. That you know what feels like to have been hurting. I hope that you find a way to keep yourself safe in times when you find yourself bored.

Thank you. I'm also homeschooled though, so no counselors. I do have troubles taking care of myself, as my instinct is to protect the people I love, at any cost to myself. For that reason I have a tendency to bury my own emotions to a dangerous degree. Well. I suppose that's pretty obvious now.

StillIntending, there are a lot of non-pharmacological interventions you can try to address your mood disturbance. If you're a vegetarian or vegan, low vitamin D can lead to depression, and low b12 can lead to all kinds of mood and psychotic disturbances. Many vegans get their D from UV treated mushrooms (D2) or through sun exposure (D3). B12 fortified foods are vegan. On the other hand, low folate intake may also lead to depression. Many foods are fortified with "folic acid", which is fine, but naturally occurring folate found in dark leafy greens and other veggies is preferable because there are no negative effects from getting too much. A big one is inflammation. A lot of our favorite foods raise our levels of inflammation and lead to depression that way. Exercise is important too just for all-around health, and it may lower inflammation by lowering blood pressure.

I can't recommend, and advise against, taking any drug or supplement since they can easily have adverse consequences. For example, if you don't actually need it, an anti-inflammatory may make things worse. If you are taking anything unusual, try going without it for 2 or 3 weeks.
Only take a pill if a professional recommends it, except widely recognized vitamins, which are probably fine.

I self-harm to punish myself when I feel remorseful or when I hate myself.
I also self-harm because I feel like I don't "cut deep enough," and I like to see the blood, which sounds pretty blargh but yeah... This is not a healthy mentality.

This could be a little graphic btw

When I started I just had this insanely strong urge that I wanted to hurt myself and rip and tear and claw my way out of my own body this is still very much present but I just really wanted to do it and then when I did it felt better than I could have ever imagined. I honestly just love the feeling when it stings and is warm and I like the blood too and it just feels really really good to me like it doesn't hurt it just I honestly always want to do it 24/7 and the longest time I spent cutting without stopping was 7 hours I would/Will choose cutting over sleep and many other things because once I start I can't seem to stop unless I run out of space. It just I even think it is really pretty when I look at it and I feel like I have done "the right thing" once I have done it but also I never feel like I have done enough so I constantly want more it just feels like something I am supposed to do.