<font color="#000088"> I've made it almost 7 years without cutting,because it scared my Dad.The second to the last time I cut,I almost died,and they notified next of kin,my Dad! But somehow I pulled through with the blood tranfusion,and I had to learn how to walk again,but I survived.It scared my Dad so much,that I'd never heard him cry before that.So I slipped once after that,but my Dad begged me to stop in tears,and because of how much I love him,I stopped.But he Died in October of 2005,so my excuse for not cutting died with him.The urges never went away,I just faught them for my Dad.Now that he's gone those urges are even stronger trying to deal with his death,and the many friends that died right behind him,plus another family member.Plus the news of me having a terminal illness,and my family constantly riding my ***,about having evidence to put my brother and my Mom behind bars,over my childhood abuse.I have so many reasons to do it,but I'm trying so hard not to,because I love my Puppy Nico,and I don't want to abandon him.But it's so hard when around each corner I keep getting hit with something else going wrong.Either healthwise,or someone else dies! I don't know how much longer I can hold on in Utah,when I can't be around my family,they are toxic,and very abusive towards me.I really need to get back to California,where I can be happier,and by the beach that calms me! </font>

(((((((((Justice))))))))))))
You can do this. Is there something else you can do to distract yourself-something else must have worked since you're doing so well.
I know it's not the same thing but I quit smoking and every once so often, when things are going really crappy and I'm getting totally stressed out-I want a cigarette soooo bad. I find other things to distract myself so I don't mess up all of the hard work I've put into not smoking.
Please, try art, try writing, try ANYTHING but don't cut again. Please!! See your father there with you and draw strength from him. Ask him for help.
I'm so sorry you lost your Dad. It sounds like you love him so dearly. (((((((((((((Justice&Dad))))))))))))))))))

[mlpHolmes]

Justice You are a very strong person & have endured a great deal.
Don't cut. No way. Sometimes we can find justification for anything don't go there. Stop with- Do Not Cut. End of thought, end action. Yes life is difficult. That's why we're here to support you. It might helpful for you to talk these issues out with a T or a supportive group. Right now? Do Not Cut. Justice, you have more people caring about you than you know & I believe we would all agree with your Dad - Don't cut.

[Christina86]

(((((((Justice))))))))))

Try to keep yourself safe.

[Gabby2007]

Justice,
my Daddy died too, and I'm learning that I am honoring him best by living well. Be safe.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Pickle said:
(((((((((Justice))))))))))))
You can do this. Is there something else you can do to distract yourself-something else must have worked since you're doing so well.
I know it's not the same thing but I quit smoking and every once so often, when things are going really crappy and I'm getting totally stressed out-I want a cigarette soooo bad. I find other things to distract myself so I don't mess up all of the hard work I've put into not smoking.
Please, try art, try writing, try ANYTHING but don't cut again. Please!! See your father there with you and draw strength from him. Ask him for help.
I'm so sorry you lost your Dad. It sounds like you love him so dearly. (((((((((((((Justice&Dad))))))))))))))))))

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
<font color="#000088"> I am writing,have you seen my post in the creative corner,titled "My Poetry,Pages from my Diary",there are 3 different poems in there already! I'm a published writer! Plus I sing,so far I've gotten in the studio and recorded 3 songs onto my album so far! I'm trying everything I can! </font>

[Rapunzel]

That's great that you write and sing! Hey, I live in Utah too. My family of origin calls California home, but I haven't lived there in a long time. Hang in there. Nico depends on you. And you never know how much you might mean to someone without even knowing it.

<font color="blue"> If you really care about someone,it's only right to let them know,instead of sitting on the sidelines and watching them suffer in silence.That isn't real Love! Because then how were they supposed to know that there were others out there that would have given them more of a reason to not harm themselves,and that they really did have more people that cared,if those people just kept there mouth shut! When you care,you're supposed to let that person know,so they don't feel so alone all the time.It really doesn't count if you keep it a secret! I strongly believe in reaching out if you really care.Not everyone can read minds!
Like yesterday,I was in the ER all day,ALONE!! And tomorrow,I'll be back at the hospital having another test done to see if my gallbladder needs to be removed,ALONE!! And if it does,I'll be having surgery,with no one in the waiting room worried about me!But Nico will be at home worrying about me,I know that much!! And I'm used to that! That's the sad part! </font>

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((Justice))))))))))))))))))))) I will be thinking about you tomorrow. I hope the tests go well.

BB

[Rapunzel]

How did it go? I hope you're ok.

<font color="green"> I'm in a constant state of nervousness,cause I haven't got the results back yet,and now it's the weekend.I tried to walk to the store again yesterday(4 blocks away),and after the 1st block the pain kicked in again,and my fever spiked up again,but ofcourse I kept going,I'm stubborn that way,I was on a mission to get creamer for my coffee!

But I'm going to try to find a ride today for the other things I need! I need more Ice cream!!!!! </font>

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Justice )))))))))))))))

<font color="#000088"> I'm going to see my Dad's grave today for the first time since his funeral.I hope it's not gonna trigger me into crying to much again.At his funeral,they had to play one of my songs off my CD,because I couldn't stop crying to sing.I've never even seen the headstone,but I heard my name is on it.I wouldn't be surprized if I laid down next to it and curled up in a ball.I miss him so much.I'm going to take a photo of his headstone,for the rest of my memories stuff,like his obituary and stuff.I even still have the mask I wore at the hospital the last time I saw him alive.I was sick,and hadn't been to the Dr. yet,so just for safety,I wore it.Then when I found out it was pneumonia,I couldn't go back to the hospital,and he died before I got better!I only was able to talk to him over the phone!He had pneumonia when he died,and I kept blaming myself,but they said it wasn't from me,it was the fluid retention that caused it!I just can't let go of that mask for some reason!
But health wise,I'm to the point now where I can't even hold down fluids,unless I sip them.No food,not even my ice cream,usually I was able to hold down the ice cream,and it helped with my fevers.But now I can't hold anything down.I passed out again last night in the middle of the night when I got up to go to the bathroom.But this time I didn't lose concousness,I woke up when I hit the floor.So I just made my way to the bathroom,and crawled back in bed. </font>

<font color="green"> I posted how I feel,and I see over 126 people read it,and 12 responded,that tells me that over 100 don't care whether I cut or not.Some would probably rather I do! For the one's that do,don't worry,I can take pictures for you,and put them up in the gallery for you to smile about!Since my pain means nothing to all those 100's that don't give a %#@&#!!
I do appreciate the one's who have responded and understand,but as self injurers,you know being ignored is triggering for me! </font>

[DePressMe]

Hi Justice, I have been one of the ones who has logged on read your post and not responded—matter of fact I logged on a few times and helped drive the numbers up. Sometimes, when topics are tough for me I will read them a few times and then write out a response in word when I get a chance. I really hope you don’t feel like I don’t care. I am very introverted and it just takes time for me to say what I mean with difficult things. Like with you dealing with your fathers death, I am still unsure what to say—about the only thing I can think of is sorry and face it that sounds lame. I do care, I am just unsure of what to say. Maybe next time, I can leave a short message and then write a longer one when I get a chance.

<font color="#000088"> I think I've been overly sensitive about things because I'm very sick right now also,medically,and just having to wait so long to find out what's wrong with me medically,it's effecting me not wanting to wait for anything else.I'm just getting overwhelmed with life in general.Because I was also just dianosed in January with a terminal Illness at 33 yrs.old,and I just already had my plate full before that hit me.Now I have about 5 plates full,and it's hard to think straight when I'm so sick,and back and forth from the hospital,and the doctors.No fun,no normal life,no taking my puppy to play in the park like he should be able to.My best friend is moving out of state in 6 days,well she's my only real friend in this state actually.I just want my life back,that I lost 2 1/2 years ago!(that's when i started getting sick) </font>

[mlpHolmes]

((((((((((JUSTICE)))))))))))
I am so sorry for you. My heart actually aches. You've been given a lot to handle. I'm glad you have PC so we can support you.With all the misery you are going through You know cutting will not erase, cure,or cause the disappearnce of any of the challenges you are facing & are @ to face. Only You can decide cutting is not an option. No choice,It's over.Not even given consideration. So what else can we do? I understand how hard this is I cut too. But now you can build,getting to THE BEST Hospitals, Drs. etc. in your area.

<font color="#000088"> Yesterday I took my puppy out with me to check the mail,and then went around to the side porch to throw the junkmail in the trash,and walked right into an ambush,with the 2 neighbors that have been harrassing me whenever I go out.They both jusy went off,saying I went out just to start something,one had a friend to go in on it with her the other included the neighbor kid,then the landlord heard the yelling,and came out and yelled at all of us.I just took Nico and went in the house,but I told the landlord that it isn't fair for me to be a hostage in my own home,and not be able to even check my mail without getting yelled at! Later the landlords talked to me,and told me I had nothing to worry about,they knew what happened,and they heard her threaten to try to get me kicked out,and that they knew she is manic off her meds,and that I didn't do anything but defend myself.So to try to get some rest,and that I've always been an excellent tenant,and that she has caused so many problems that I shouldn't worry,they will take care of it!
But I didn't need to be yelled at,and I had to call the police,because she was threatening to set me up,and have me framed as a drug dealer!So I had to file a report for harrassment against her,so they wouldn't take anything she does or say's seriously,because I'm a felon,on probation!
I'm dealing with so many things all at once,I just can't handle it anymore!I have 2 little brothers that do deal drugs,so it kindof runs in the family,and when she tries to threaten to put it on me,she's putting herself in danger! </font>

[Rapunzel]

About seeing more views than replies to a thread, that is always the way it will be at online forums. Remember there are several reasons for that. Every time someone clicks to look at the thread, or to look at the next page, it counts as a "view." It also includes you looking to see the replies, and people who have already responded coming back to check and see how you are doing. It is true that some people will read a thread and not reply, and that is okay too. Nobody needs to feel guilty. There are several reasons why someone might not reply. They might just not know what to say right now. Some come back later and reply after they have thought about it. Some have already answered one of your other threads and don't have more to add to what they have already said. Some may be overwhelmed and unprepared to respond. Please accept the responses that you get, and know that each time someone read they did care enough to read your thread, possibly more than once.

I am sorry that you are dealing with so much right now. Just remember that we are all here for a reason, and others are going through a lot too. Sometimes we draw comfort from each other's company, and sometimes we give comfort to others. Sometimes giving and getting comfort are pretty much the same thing.

<font color="green"> I'm just trying so hard to deal with so much right now,and once I start feeling a little better emotionally,the neighbors notice,and come out and knock me down on purpose,just to ruin it for me.
The results on that test from the hospital came back normal,that puts me back to square one,more tests,trying to figure out why I'm running a constant fever,and passing out so much.So it was both good news ,and bad at the same time.I'm so frustrated,I just want it to end,and things to go back to normal! </font>

<font color="#000088"> I still haven't cut,and on July 3rd it will be 8 years since I cut last! So I'm still fighting it,and haven't fallen yet,even though I'm still pretty worried about the 9th of July. That's the birthday of mine that I get terrified with each year,because of the abuse on my 8th birthday.The reason the last time I cut was the 3rd of July,is because that is my brothers birthday,the one that is the pedophile that abused me on my birthday.So I figured at the time,that if I died on his birthday,then instead of my family celebrating his birthday every year,and just looking at that day as his birthday,they would remember it as the day I died,and I could ruin his birthday like he did mine.
But ofcourse I wasn't in the proper state of mind that day,and all I could think of was that my family was at home celebrating a pedophiles birthday,and making him feel good.When they didn't celebrate mine,usually just my Dad would take me out to eat.But I'd end up cutting by the time the night was over,and end up in the hospital when I wasn't living up where my Dad was,and even sometimes when I was.
But those days are coming again,and I just don't want to deal with them.I've had friends over the past few years help me get through them,but this year,my friends are all in other states!
I worry,because I'm stuck near my family,and they know that I usually cut,they think it's funny! </font>

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Justice )))))))))))))))

[Lothlorien]

Oh Justice, my heart goes out to you. My brother was my abuser and although he never abused me on my birthday that I can remember, his birthday in August is horrible day for me.

Congrat's on 8 years, aim for 9!

(((Justice)))

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((Justice)))))))))))))))))))))) We will be with you on those days. You are not alone.

BB

[ickydog2006]

All I can say is try to hang in here, and good luck.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))