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Wish i could give more details. Just want to throw a fit. I hate it here because it is all a lie. People giving comfort when they don't really care. Sigh. Just want to go away but know I will be drawn back because there is no where else to go. Ha. Such is life. Tomorrow all will be fine, the emotions will fade away and life will be back to what I am told is normal and everyone will be happy. meanwhile I am labled, catagorized and placated but never truely understood. Ignore this post for it is just mutterings of a bored and unstable mind cowering in the only safe place she knows holding tightly to the only people who understand.
Carrie

{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I can tell you that I do understand and have felt the same way.

However, I do care about you. You have always been there for me, for advice or to vent, or to give me support.

I don't know what, if anything, I can do for you except to say that you are very special and cared for on this site.

xoxox

((((Carrie)))) I don't know what happened to make you feel this way. But I'm sorry that you do.



Take care of you, ok?

Angela

Thanks Mary Alice, Angela and Susan. I got triggered very badly on a different area of the forum. I am doing what I can to control my reactions to the trigger but it is so hard. I want to leave and never come back but I know that is just a part of me throwing a fit. I can't throw a fit, I can't be honest about my feelings because some people can't understand the intensity of feelings that pulse through someone with BPD. They don't understand that saying I want to leave and never come back is a product of those feelings. It is thought to be grandstanding and manipulating. But here I know you will understand because those who are here experience those intense feelings. If you didn't you wouldn't injure yourself.

So I am trying to stay calm, to talk in moderate tones...type in moderate tones that is but it is such a lie. I want to stomp my feet, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want someone to hear me and not think of me as just a cry baby trying to get attention. Sometimes I am so sick of trying to keep this facade up. Because they are right. I am a liar but the only reason I lie is so that they won't say awful things about me, so that they won't talk behind my back and say how crazy I am. So they will like me. I lie to protect myself. I pretend that I am in control so that I won't be abandoned and left alone. But inside I am tearing apart, my grasp on reality is tenuous. I so want to be totally truthfull about my feelings but I know what happens to people who are truthful. I have seen the hate, the anger, the disrespect. We are abhored. We are thought of as slime. We are turned into the liars they claim we are by our effort to make them happy, to stay below their radar. Sorry for rambling. I don't know what else to do. Sigh.
Carrie <font color="blue">

I just want to be able to cry without feeling guilty. Be angry without feeling I am bad. Be sad without feeling I am putting someone else out. I just want to be able to feel honestly and express those feelings honestly. That is all.
Carrie <font color="red">

((((((((((((((((((((Carrie))))))))))))))))))))

(((((Carrie))))) I think I understand where you're coming from, even if I don't know all the details. I tell you my experience, so that you know I understand, and not to take anything away from your pain. I have definitely felt like if I express my real feelings, it would be considered "melodramatic." I have even thought that about myself- that I'm just blowing things out of proportion, you know? I also blame myself when I si, telling myself that it was stupid, over-reacting, and my favorite word for me "melodramatic." I beat myself up like that. I cover up and down-play my own feelings so much, because the bottom line is just that I want to be loved and sometimes I feel like I have to be almost nonexistent and nonemotional in order to get that love. I've always felt like any reaction that I had was just drama and not valid. But I learned in therapy that there is a reason I react the way I do, and that more often than not I actually under-react, because it's what I've been trained all my life to do- not upset the balance (and the denial), you know? Anyway, that is my similar experience.

I don't know what was said or done that hurt you, but I don't need to know that either, in order to know that you're hurting. I can tell from your post that you are in a LOT of pain, and I'm sorry about that. If you want to vent, you can do it here. And if you feel unsafe to do so, you can feel free to pm me, too. I'm here for you.

Big, safe, sincere hugs for you (((((Carrie))))

Angela

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I just want to be able to cry without feeling guilty. Be angry without feeling I am bad. Be sad without feeling I am putting someone else out. I just want to be able to feel honestly and express those feelings honestly. That is all.
Carrie <font color="red">

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{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I know that you are hurting, because I can feel it in your words. I also want to thank you for those words, because that is what I want also. I want to be allowed to feel and not be told by inner or outer voices that I am doing it all wrong.

I am so glad that we have this place where there are people who can understand, and where it is safe to give voice to our feelings. It's less safe now for me, because I'm afraid that my husband might be reading everything I write (and he's one of the ones who thinks I feel the wrong way), but even so, you and the others here are saying it for me, and it helps to be a part of this group.

Carrie, I'm sorry that you hurt. If it helps at all, you have all the permission you ever want from me to feel and express your feelings. I guess it doesn't work that way though - we have to give ourselves that permission. Not easy when there is always someone who would deny it, or make you feel bad for it. Somehow we get the idea in this society that just the happy feelings are desirable, and the unhappy or negative feelings are unacceptable. Wallowing may not be good for us, but suffering is appropriate and right some of the time too. You are the only one who can say when and how much is right for you.

Wendy

Zenobia, I am so sorry for your pain. I don't know what else to say, wish I could be that safety for you. Strong feelings are hard for me too. I am so very sorry you are in a raging painful place. Not always wise I am afraid. Wise woman

Thanks Fuzzy for your hugs.
Thanks Wisewoman for your supportive words.

Angela and Wendy, you both get it exactly. Thank you.
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(((((((((((Zenobia)))))))))) I'm sorry you feel this way. I personally consider this website to be a valuable resource in my own healing, I am sorry that you feel so differently. However, I really DO care, and I hope I did not say anything to trigger you. I'm having a hard time right now, so maybe I wasn't so good at watching my words.

(((((((((((((Zenobia))))))))))))))))

Dear Lost,
No you didn't say anything. Usually these forums are a phenominal support. I have been having an extremely rough time of it lately and something said in a different room triggered me terribly. I know it is because I am ultra sensitive right now. At another time I might have been able to blow it off...no it would still have irritated the heck out of me but at this time it helped to fragment my reality. I am feeling better now though. Slowly but surely. Most of the time though this is a fantastic place to be...and actually even during those disturbing, triggering times this place continues to be a fantastic place because even though in one room I was set off in here I could find all the comfort I needed to help put my world to right again.
Carrie <font color="purple">