one thing after another

It's one thing after another. Still. I just don't know how to deal with it all. How to process it all. So much is going on. So much to think about.

I don't know how long I'm going to be able to hold out on this cutting thing.

I bought new blades and stocked my first aid kit. I'm sorry if I do end up disappointing you guys.

You can't do it for us, hon, cuz we won't always be here to kick your butt. It would be great it you'd find a reason to do it for you, or whatever reason will work. I hope you at least find a dumpster and get rid of the blades.

Can you call a friend, or your T, or someone? Dump the blades for YOU. Cuz the Angela I've gotta to know is worth it.

emmy

I know what you mean Emmy. But I'm at a point where the only thing I want to do "for" myself is destroy myself.

I told the new T yesterday. It didn't go well. I think he just doesn't know me well enough to help, and I don't know how to help him help me. I emailed my regular T today and told her. I know she will not read the email until 7 tonight, though. She mentioned she wouldn't be home until then.

I am so upset. I don't know how to handle all this stuff.

Ok I'm going to tell one of the things that is bothering me right now. There is this family that was my second family when I was a teenager and we've stayed pretty close. They were kinda my safe place in the midst of all the *crap* that went on in my life and my own family.

Well anyway, I found out back then that the dad of this family- who i felt very safe with and really loved a lot, almost like my own dad- had messed around with their foster daughter years back. I guess I was in denial about it for a long time, even though I heard about it from a lot of different people and even the mom hinted at it. But anyway, I found out today that he just got fired (he was a teacher at my highschool) for looking at porn on his computer at school. It's more complicated than all this, but this is all i am able to get into. I just had to confide in someone.

I'm a mess over this.

((((((Angela))))))

Ofcourse you're a mess over it. Who wouldn't be? Some people just fool us hon, that's all. Believe me, I was fooled for a very long time by someone I loved like my own father and come to find out all kinds of terrible things happened. It is very heartbreaking and very confusing. I sure hope you find a place to get rid of those blades, dear dear friend. You do it for you because you're worth it! You are a great friend to us all and you inspire us and I don't want you to think if something happens you'll disappoint us, but you're so strong, you can do this. You can put it off or not do it at all. I care about you and I know how hard it is. Try to relax and take deep breaths and just take it one moment at a time.

Much love sent to you sweetie!

Stay safe,
Kimberly.

((((((Kimberly)))))))

So, Angela....how are you doing today? Let's have an update girl. I hope you are feeling better. Sorry I wasn't around more yesterday. I had the post election blues. Emmy

Oh wow. This sounds very hard for you as I can see why. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your having too much to deal with at once. And you would never let anyone down.

How are you feeling now?? Please keep us informed, cause we worry about u too!!!!! I am so sorry for you, how awful to be dealing with all of this.

My heart is with you. I hope your okay. Will think of you always and sending you my love. You help all of us, and continue to everyday. I wish I could do more for you.

If anything I am wishing you better days and tons of hugs;

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Angela)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
wishing I could do more for u.

Love ya and please be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

Justy

Today is better than yesterday. I still have the urge, but I'm still fighting it. And my regular T emailed me a couple times and that has helped me deal, too. She asked me to throw the blades away, but I said no. I did promise her to try everything I can possibly think of first, and she accepts that. She trusts that I only use si as a last resort and that I work my ***** off to avoid it.

I'm just in a rough spot is all. But I'm trying my best.

I have class today from 1:30pm-11pm with only two one-hour breaks in between, so I will be otherwise occupied all day. That will be good for me if I can stay awake for it all.

I've got to scamper off now and hop in the shower before class.

Thanks for your help, everyone. It means a LOT.

((((hugs))))
Angela

Well I hope you have a better day. I think its good to have other things to keep your mind off of SI.

I do hope you will work your ***** off to avoid it. Things happen, we understand. I will be the last to judge; lol.

Be patient with yourself, your a dear. Have a great day in class.

Will you let us know how it goes??

Justy

I am having a great day and it feels SO nice to be able to say that!!!

WOOHOO! glad you're having a great day ((((Angela))))

I have to say my day has been fairly good too.

Hope you're taking care.
Kimberly.