[Typo]

I'm so close to just losing it, just having a complete mental breakdown..agian.........but it will be so much worse that in January..because back in January I wasn't self injuring again yet....

Why does noone see the marks?? Why doesn't anyone IRL see me pain???
I am losing it...I completely freaked the other day on my mom..huge argument..triggered to many things..to many unsaid things that should remain unsaid..I just stared screaming and babbling and banging my head up against the window really hard my mom stopped me and said that is enough..she didn't realized how hard I was banging my head..I had a massive headache later..my headbanging obviously isn't anything new mom says I did it alot when I was really little, I wanted to just start tearing up my arm or start scratching myself up...I have bite marks on my hand from when I went to the bathroom and stuffed my hand in my mouth so I wouldn't start crying again and I felt like I was going to scream...

My thoughts are nothing connected...somtimes there just random and pointless.....I don't like this.......I am ashamed...I am sorry...I gave in...it scares me because of how I gave in..I did it with a knife..it was just a little scratch..but I rembered in the past how I use to cut my thumb really bad..it's all scared up and I rember how good it felt I wanted to go deeper and draw blood. I got really scarred and ran in my room and started hyperventlating..I turned my headphones up as loud as they would go..so I couldn't think...so every thought would stop...I am scared..I told my mom during our huge fight I wanted to go to thearpy...she said okay...it's all out in the open now..not the self injury no never could I tell them I've started back..but the memories and the mood swings and the saddness..I'm going to thearpy....I'm going to thearpy.......that makes me want to hurt myself more......

[x_BabyG_x]

((((((((((((((silversparrow)))))))))))))

Theres nothing wrong with going to therapy hun! theres no reason for you to hurt yourself even more just because of that...

also, you shouldnt be taking it out on yourself, just because of an arguement (no matter how big or small). What Im trying to say is, stuff like this happens and there is no reason for you, or anyone else for that matter, to self injure because of it.

I hope u soon see that you need to be treated by yourself with the kindness and respect you deserve hun, pm me if you need to talk
babyg xXx

[darkrunner]

(((((((silversparrow)))))))
I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It's good that you told your mom you wanted to go to therapy. The people around you irl can't know about your pain unless you tell them and it sounds like maybe you started doing that today?? Maybe you said it in the heat of the argument, but she said OK, so please do go to a therapist....someone who can understand you, be on your side, and help you....

wishing you some peace today,
ktgirl

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( silversparrow )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you are so overwhelmed. I know going to therapy is scary...it took me many years to be brave enough to go...but you deserve the acceptance, caring, love, and healing that you will find there.

Be gentle with yourself.

((((( Silver )))))

Nothing wrong with going to therapy, accepting help and trying to get better is a very brave and strong thing to do.

[In_The_Darkness]

(((((((((((((((((silversparrow)))))))))))))))))))

Therapy will certainly help you to start feeling better. I'm happy for you that your mum is going to let you go - it's a big step to ask anybody if you can start therapy.

Now, about telling about the self harm. Sounds like you're absolutely scared of what they will think if you told them about it. Many people share these worries - especially if they knew last time and then you started again.

Good Luck Sparrow.

[Typo]

(((((Babyg)))) ((((ktgirl))))
(((((earthmama)))) ((((Griffe))))
((((Mikkyhill))))

Thank you for your kind responses and the hugs..
Thearpy is frighting for me..I feel like I have to punish myself for emotions...my emotions are always very raw, there is so much that is wrong with me, I've had issues since I was very little, I've always been extremly parinod and anxious and dependent on things to just survive.
Always been too sad, always had to much built up anger...realsing it is frighting...
Sometimes I think that if I lost the depression, if I lost the anger, If I lost the control I have on my emotions I wouldn't be me anymore..I would be someone else and that is frighting.. who would I be if I wasn't me?? What would it be like to experience emotions right there in the moment..what does that feel like?? I haven't felt real in so long what does it feel like?? I'm scared out of my mind, but I know if I don't take this step now, when I have my family's mind on it and my friends attention on it and everyone here support I will never do it and who knows where that will lead me. I'm rambling nothing is making sense to me..I know tonight is going to be bad and I wanted to apologize ahead of time...
I'm also scared that if I go to thearpy that they will see how unstable I really am and that they would hospitalize me.......

[sevenandahalf]

You need to look in the mirror and say,
I refuse, I flat refuse to let my pain define me"

[bchlyn]

(((((silver)))))

[Typo]

((((((sevenandahalf))))) (((((bchlyn))))))

Feeling so horrible today, I keep hurting myself, I can't seem to stop..
I went in hide in the bathroom and cryed, I haven't been sleeping very well...all my distractions are useless...I'm trying to fight it right now and I'm losing. I ffeel so lost, can anyone find me?? Can anyone tell me I"lll be okay becasue i don't thingk I will every be okay...I am split in tow there is fake em that smiles fro everyone Irl's sake and then there is bad me that is always sad, always hruting always angry always frightnend...pariond today, everyting is makeing me jump, I feel like everyone is watchign me...scared...I'mm so scared..

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Silver )))))))))))))))

[bchlyn]

i know this sounds simplistic...but have you tried walking barefoot on different textures... really focus on the way they feel on your feet... that helps me get grounded sometimes and helps to ease the urges... i wish i had a better answer... but i am in the same place... thinking i would like to just give in...take gentle care...lyn

[purplebutterfly]

(((((((((Silver))))))))))))))) I am so sorry....Please PM if you need to vent. I am always here for you. I am sorry that you are feeling this bad. I think that some therapy will actually help you out, even if you are scared of it at first. this way you can get your feelings out. Please stay safe and PM me and let me know how you are doing.
lots of gentle hugs
Purple

[x_BabyG_x]

((((((silver)))))))))

How are you feeling today hun??

babyg xXx

[Typo]

((((((Fuzzy))))) (((((bchlyn)))))
(((((Purple))))) (((((Babyg)))))

I feel more stable today, this weekend was hard.. I didn't work and was really trigged.. there was nothing to distract me or wear me out..
Nighttime is always the worst..it's usually when all my emotions get to me..doesn't help I'm partially insomniac.

Thank you all for the response it really means alot..I'm going to try and find things I can do at night to help keep myself safe...if anyone has any suggestions would you let me know...I would greatly appreciate it..

[Sannah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Silversparrow said:
..I feel like I have to punish myself for emotions...

always had to much built up anger...realsing it is frighting...

Sometimes I think that if I lost the depression, if I lost the anger, If I lost the control I have on my emotions I wouldn't be me anymore..I would be someone else and that is frighting.. who would I be if I wasn't me??

What would it be like to experience emotions right there in the moment..what does that feel like??

I'm also scared that if I go to thearpy that they will see how unstable I really am and that they would hospitalize

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi Silver, has therapy been scheduled yet?

I find afternoons/evenings/weekends to be the hardest too.

Can you make it to the chat tonight at 8pm? Maybe you can get some ideas there.

I got through yesterday and last night by forcing myself to stay FAR away from my "supplies" - everything I use is upstairs, so I literally didn't go upstairs ALL day and ALL night. And I colored mandalas, which I find soothing for some reason. By the time I went upstairs, I was sleepy enough to just go to sleep. I told myself I could cut when I woke up if I still wanted to - but I haven't had to do it so far today.

[Typo]

I can't get into chat, my internet explorer won't support it and this is my parents computer so I can't change to foxfire. So I did call the thearpist and she sounds really really nice.. I have to get insurance stuff in order but she said should schedule me in next thursday if I want.
I'm just really excited I didn't hang up or start crying when I was on the phone..

[6677]

by going to therapy I think that you will find out alot more about yourself and you will be able to talk openly about your feelings without worrieing about anything... this is why I want to do therapy but my parents dont support that... good luck with your therapy