When things get too good

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been around the last few days. Things in my life have taken a turn for the better. In fact there is absolutely nothing that I can complain about other then my son's lack of desire to do homework and my kitty's urinary problems. But nothing that would upset any one in a deep down emotional way. I stood up to my mother and she responded with love and support, just like I have always wanted her too. I stood up to my boss and said what I needed to for my own wellfare and she responded in the best way imaginable, just like I hoped she would. My husband and I just signed the papers for a new consolidation loan that will cut our interest rates by about 2/3rds and my husband is totally on board about getting our finances in order, just like I have ALWAYS wanted him to be. He is being loving and understanding and wonderful. Therapy is going great, I am making great strides in my recovery, my therapist is awesome and I have no complaints. EVERYTHING IS GREAT!

So why do I feel so uncomfortable. I have gotten everything I have wished for. I am not alone. I have friends, that empy hole inside is gone. By all accounts I should be doing a happy dance. But instead...

Last week I started becoming scared. If I get out of my car at home and there is someone else on the street I worry that I am going to get shot on the way up to the porch. If I am driving through an intersection I clench up waiting for another car to run the red and t-bone me. I am afraid I am going to get food poisoning and die. Why? Because it would only figure that when things finally got to be the way I always wanted them to be I would get killed.

Monday we signed the papers for the loan. Monday night I cut myself twice with a butcher knife. Yesterday I cut myself 5 more times with a pocket knife. I have been isolating myself from the people (that would be you people ) who would make me feel better and help me keep from hurting myself and actually cope with what is going on. I want to cut now. I stroke the lines on my arm and feel comforted.

I called my T. She confirmed that it is just me trying to get back to a place of comfort because happy isn't yet comfortable for me. Does that suck or what? I want to be happy, I want things to go well. But when they do I am so uncomfortable that I am driven to create unhappiness so I can be comfortable again. ARRGH! I have a whole bunch of swear words I want to type out right here. It is so frustrating.
Carrie

Carrie,

I can understand how you would react this way to things going good. Like your T said, that's not comfortable for you. I think I would add to that, though...

Beyond just not feeling comfortable with things being ok, I think that for those of us who are used to things NEVER being ok, it's hard to let the defenses down and just relax. I know in my life, something has always been just around the corner. Particularly the last few months, when I start feeling stable it seems like something always happens to destabilize me.

I don't know the particulars of your life history, but I know you're a self-injurer and that's enough information for me, I think, to assume that things have not been hunky-dory for you, shall we say? Perhaps you are not used to safety and stability and are therefore not comfortable with it, but ALSO perhaps you find it hard to believe that life can ever be going good. You're waiting for the next thing around the corner because there has always been something there.

A conversation my T and I recently had over email was very interesting. I talked to her about how I feel like I'm always throwing myself up against other people's walls- in other words, I try so hard to have a loving, open, accepting relationship with people who are not available emotionally. So, in talking about my therapeutic relationship with her, she asked me, what if I try hurling myself at her walls and come up against empty space? (Because there are no walls). I was INTENSELY uncomfortable with that thought. "Like, you mean, you'll accept me and be loving without hurting me, too? Sounds pretty suspicious..." lol! I responded with something like "Then I guess I'll crash into you and probably bowl you over!" (Had to make it funny. Feeling emotionally close is a bit TERRIFYING for me). She said, basically "Now THAT could be fun! Let's give it a try, shall we?" LOL!

Why did I just ramble on about it? Well, imagine, if you can, me running head first into wall after wall. Imagine that I've done it millions of times over and over again. Everytime I try to go somewhere I keep ramming into a wall. Now, imagine me running (fully expecting because of past experience that I will hit a wall), and hitting...nothing. My muscles are flexed- prepared to smack that wall and fall down again. But when I get where the wall should be, it isn't there. It's kinda the same feeling as when you think you've reach the last stair and you go to step on level ground, but you lose your balance because there is really another stair there, so there isn't any ground where you think it will be. Kinda a scary, panicky, UNCOMFORTABLE feeling, wouldn't you say?

That, I think, is part of what it feels like when you expect something bad to happen, because of your past experience, and it hasn't. So it goes beyond just discomfort with the good things- it's discomfort because you don't know what to expect. It's scary. It's new territory. You don't trust it yet because it takes getting used to.

Am I making any sense, or just rambling?

Angela

It makes a lot of sense. The question is "how do I get comfortable with it?" And "How does one stop self injury if even when things are good she injures?" And "Why should I bother trying to get better when I am just as miserable when I am "Happy"?" Ok that was more then one question.
Carrie

Carrie, You're adorable. There is no limit on questions!

I think you learn to get comfortable with it by trying it out over and over again. The more experience you have with feeling happy, the less troubling it will be. Consider it like a phobia. You're phobic of being happy. How do you fix that? You expose yourself to it a little at a time.

As for how to stop cutting, if you cut even when you're happy- maybe think of it in terms of this instead: you cut when you are not comfortable with your emotions. That way it's less of a blanket statement that "I cut no matter how I feel" and more of an acknowledgement of what's really happening "I cut when I'm not feeling comfortable or safe"

Does that help any? If not, do tell me and I'll churn things around in my brain and pop out some more ideas!

BTW, I'm really glad you started this thread because it has helped me figure some things out about me...

*hugs*
Angela

That is a better way to look at it. In time my comfort with happiness will increase...but happiness is dissappointing. I mean, I have gotten so much of what I wanted and it isn't all that great of shakes. Sigh. Which scares me because I know that the changes that have happened are positive and will improve my life tremendously but if it makes me so uncomfortable I might start sabotaging it so I can be "comfortable" in my misery again.

NO! I am not going to go down that road. I have help in this. I have an appointment with my T today. My hubby is going to be there with me and we will discuss how to not let that happen.

It is all so very bizarre to me though. That getting what you want can be such a difficult thing. I feel like such a whiner baby poopy pants. But then again that is just old programing because anytime I was upset about something I was called a crybaby and now anytime I feel upset about something I think it is something wrong with me. Which of course in this case just helps the whole sabataging process. Am I making any sense?
Carrie

YES. LOTS of sense. And I don't think you're a whiner. Not at all.

aw best wishes in your quest towards happiness!

I just want to say that this has been a really good thread. I'm learning a lot too from reading it. Actually, I think this applies to me a lot. I'm not comfortable with being happy either - it just doesn't feel right. And I don't feel like I deserve it either. When I was at my lowest I was telling people that I had to always be that way because that was just how I was meant to be. The part of me that believes that is still hanging around, and isn't about to quietly resign itself to being happy. I'm such a rebel!

Thanks Carrie, and best wishes to you, and thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread too.
Wendy

Carrie, Happiness is like anything, it has to be learned. You are doing very well with recognizing what is happening. I am glad you are talking openly about it here.