Confessions of a self-proclaimed slut

I am 28 years old, very happily married, and I have a successful career. I am also a sex addict. To give some background, I was a virgin until 19. I had ZERO interest in sex or boys or anything all through high school. I also come from a very good, healthy, loving home. I was never abused or raped growing up and have an amazing relationship with my parents – especially my daddy. I have always been daddy’s little girl and I always will be. I was a very good girl growing up, and I always had good grades, took school seriously, and I have never done any drugs. I’m not even a big fan of swearing. A very straight laced girl right?

Well once I lost my virginity at 19, it all changed. I don’t know what it was, but something in me exploded and I knew that I loved sex. I moved away to college soon after high school and studied hard. By day I was in class, earning amazing grades and a near perfect GPA. By night I was having sex with men I met at the clubs.

Now let me be frank about this. I am a self-proclaimed slut. I am really not sure how many men I have slept with for certain, but the number may easily be 100. I have done a lot of wild things. Group sex, public sex, strip shows for fun at parties, sex with much older men (when I was 19 I had an on\off sexual relationship with one of my father’s coworkers who was 51). But the thing is, I am not in any way ashamed of anything I have done in my past. I was always safe, and never put myself in any dangerous situations. I was on birth control, and I always used condoms on top of it. I also got regularly tested as an extra precaution and piece of mind. My friends and family always knew that I was a very level headed and independent woman. But sex was my outlet.
Without sounding like I am being conceited, I am very tall (6 feet) and very attractive (considered one of the pretty girls in high school, even though I was not really into that clique or even cared at that time). Getting male and some female attention was never really a problem for me. Men were quickly drawn to me. I am also openly bisexual and have been romantically involved with both men and women. In my life, the only two times I ever truly fell deeply in love with anyone has been with my, now husband, and a woman that I dated for a while in college.

I am also very obsessed with my sexuality and femininity. I dress incredibly feminine and sexy at all times. Not trashy mind you. I am talking, very tasteful dresses, skirts, a lot of vintage inspired outfits, and always high heels. I am so obsessed with wearing high heels that I wear them around the house at all times. I plan the next day's heels out in advance and place them by the bed, so that when I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is slip my feet into my heels. They are such a crucial extension of my femininity and I feel so naked and uncomfortable without them. I am so triggered by feminine sexuality that I am obsessed with admiring and surrounding myself with beautiful women who embody femininity. I am also attracted to feminine women like myself and my romantic female-female love relationships were with women who were tall, had soft-skin, long beautiful hair, and were feminine like me.

I dress sexy at home and at work and I love it. I am always in a skirt or a dress and obviously I love my high heels, which easily pushes me up to 6’5” tall and turns me into a walking pair of legs that turns a lot of heads. I am obsessed with being a sex icon. While my work attire may be close to the line of inappropriate, I always manage to stay with sexy, sophisticated. I work with all men and they don’t seem to mind and no one has ever sat my down and complained. I am still always professional and they are all very respectful. In fact, if I actually didn't come in too dressed up, everyone would wonder what was up. On the rare occasion that I change out of my heels, everyone comments on it and is shocked to see me, since they are used to seeing their leggy office girl. I enjoy being the eye candy in the office and I feel that for some of them, I can be the best part of their day. And for the record, none of them treat me with any disrespect or have ever harassed me and I am friendly with all my boys at the office. Plus being the only female makes me queen of my department.

Now to on to my marriage: I am in a loving and wonderful marriage and I could not be happier. I am infinitely loyal to him in every way and never have and never will cheat on him. Our marriage is a bit different though, because we are a Dominant\submissive couple. I love being submissive to him. I wear sexy lingerie, or costumes, and other erotic outfits and high heels around the house at all times, and I live under a set of rules that he has for me. Now this is not in any way an abusive relationship. Far from it in fact. I feel the safest ever in his control. He never hurts me and we, of course, talk about bills and finances like equals just as any other couple does. I have input in our relationship, but in all other facets, I am submissive to him. This is a lifestyle I chose to live and I am happy this way. I can’t imagine living a life any other way.

When I have sex, I like it frequent and I like it rough. We often engage in bondage- nothing extreme or that causes injuries, of course, and I like him to dominate me and use me as he pleases. I love being his as he wants me. Submission is my outlet. Its liberating to me. We have been married for 3 years and our marriage is stronger than ever, thanks in part to our lifestyle, which we both enjoy immensely and because we know each other so well. No other man knows my limits for pain as well as he does, and can respect my boundaries without every breaking them. This is the ultimate relationship of trust. We also talk about our lifestyle every week and discuss things as a couple, and we are very serious about always keeping communication going no matter what. We are always checking in with each other.

I know this is all a lot of information, but I have been all over online and I have concluded that…I seem to be a very rare type of woman. I am into very rough sex, I have slept around with around 100 men, many strangers, and I love exhibitionism (my husband and I also post amateur porn videos and photos of ourselves online, yet through camera trickery and editing, keep our faces and identities hidden, for safety reasons). On the other hand, I come from a good home, am a sweet girl to everyone, and I have very high self-esteem and ambition. These things seem to be at odds. I read so many awful stories of how so many women become sexually compulsive because of early childhood abuse, or bad relationships with their parents at home, and are usually miserable and have low self-image. I had an amazing family life growing up, I am still close to my parents who are still married, I am happy with my life and all of my choices in it, and I have very high ambition and high self-esteem. I am happy in my marriage and my job. I love myself. And on top of it, I am not at all ashamed of my past and in fact resent the stigma that being a slut is a bad thing at all as long as you are safe and smart, which I always was.

So what is going on here? I don’t wear panties under my skirt because I masturbate at least three times a day and panties get in the way. There is also the thrill of people potentially getting a peek at me. I’m obsessed with being an object of sexual desire, and I am happy with it. My husband can barely keep up with me, the poor guy, because I just need so much sex but he does his best. I masturbate at work when I am alone. How did I go from never even thinking about sex or even boys up through high school turn into full blown sexual addiction at 19? What makes a good sweet little daddy’s girl with good grades, like me, go out at night and have sex with four men at once at a party? How did I manage to find random men at a club or a bar and so easily feel comfortable having sex with them against a wall around the side of the building or in his or my car? How was I able to have a “no strings attached” long term sexual relationship with my male roommate in college, and not ever develop feelings, but then became clingy and loyal to any boyfriend or girlfriend I became romantically connected with?

On top of everything, why am I so emotionally stable? I have never had depression and have always been a happy and confident woman. So why does “rape role-play” with my husband arouse me so much? How exactly after losing my virginity at 19, did I get so sexually confident that I seduced my dad’s 51 year old coworker at his home and never once had a second thought about doing it? How can I, on one hand, have sex or give oral to nearly any man that was interested and I found half way cute without batting an eye, yet still have enough sense to use birth control, condoms and get frequently tested?

How abnormal is this?

For the record, I do have a therapist who is baffled. He says that one hand I am definitely a sexual compulsive based on many factors, however I am an anomaly in that I somehow manage to avoid putting myself in dangerous situations, or letting it cause any problems in my life or negatively affect my life. Though he isn’t too happy to know that I am masturbating in my office at work, and considers that a bit risky.

Does any of this make sense to you? I am not asking for advice because of shame. I actually feel no shame, and as long as I am happy and confident, then I will continue to live a great life. I am asking for advice, I suppose because I just want to understand myself better. I have scoured the internet and have not found a woman like me anywhere. I want to get into my own mind and understand what drives me.

To leave you with just one more recent scenario, my husband and I recently visited and old college friend of mine who I reconnected with online and turned out to live nearby. We both dressed up and had dinner at her place. We had wine and some laughs, but I noticed she was getting flirty with my husband. She’s always been the flirty type, and I’m a bit of the jealous type, so when I saw her finding excuses to touch him, like slowly brushing bread crumbs off his shirt sleeve, the green eyed monster came out and I immediately started doing ownership moves toward him. When we got home he went to the bathroom and when he came out he found me, nearly completely naked, and bondage tape next to me and I told him that I needed him to tie me up and dominate me hard. My jealousy had turned into rabid desire at the thought of my friend wanting him and it made me so insanely horny. While he was aggressively thrusting inside of me, I begged him to spank me, harder, and harder, and harder, until we were way past our usual threshold. I don’t know why, but I wanted it hard that night. After more begging, I had him finish by holding me by my throat and spanking me until my butt was beet red and tears were running down my face. And, by the way, I had one of the most intense orgasms I can recall in probably years. This happened just last night, and my butt is sore to sit on still, and…goodness help me, but I love it, and I loved him spanking me to that needed emotional release. I’m glad he is my husband and knows that crying during rough sex is an emotional outlet for me, where most men would freak out.

How am I so well adjusted as a woman, yet in need of such extreme arousal? How does a confident and independent woman in a great career and a great salary, also feel alive to be a sexual object for man to lust after? Am I weird for wearing high heels everywhere except when I shower or go to bed? Am I weird that I lose a bit of my confidence and femininity if I don’t have high heels on? Where does my obsession with my own sexual femininity come from? And why I am so happy with my life and have such a great, wholesome childhood, yet still become a complete slut in college?

I just need to understand my own mind here.

My guess would be insecurity. Your whole post screams out that word.

Why else would you keep asking "what's wrong with me?" while protesting your self-satisfaction with yourself, marriage, career, etc.?

Incidentally, not all men are turned on by tall, stork-like women in high-heels, sorry. Sometimes people will stare for other reasons than being filled with desire.

As a sex addict, this is an extremely triggering post. In the Sexaholics Anonymous handbook it says "we lusted and wanted to be lusted after". I think being lusted after is definitely part of your MO and you fished for our lust here in the forum.

In my experience, you are pretty standard as a woman in our culture. Having hair and nails done is extremely important to my wife and friends who are women. Most feel insecure without the things that make them feel beautiful and feminine.

Sex was your outlet in college and still is. It is part of why you are so well adjusted. I would suggest that if you took away lust and being lusted after you might find life more difficult. You posted this in the sexual addiction section. Tolerance is part of all addictions. Addicts need more of it to get the same effect. That may be why you crave extreme arousal.

A good background is not something that prevents an addiction or behavior not openly accepted in polite society. A quick look at most politicians should dispel that notion.

Wow. This was an intensely vivid post. Triggering to say the least. That aside, I feel that your post screams with cries of unhappiness and insecurities. Your language clearly depicts that. You wouldn't be on a search for reasoning if you were secure in your choices.

Sex addiction - yes. Why - I can't answer that for you. I wish you the best on your journey.

I do not see a sex addiction problem but I do see a problem with logical reasoning. The sentence above makes no sense. What do you find mutually exclusive here? Where do you see a contradiction? Bizarre.

And, "that" in bold above should be "who" per standard written English. If you mention your nearly perfect GPA, you should follow the rules of grammar. Noblesse oblige.

As I already said today to one young woman who comes across as far more genuine than you are, it is generally highly unadvisable to refer to self using derogatory terms such as "slut". If you do not use racial slurs describing other people, you should also not use this kind of language when talking about yourself.

Other than that, although I must admit I got too bored to read the whole long post, you are just describing your set of tastes and practices that seems pretty neutral to me and I am not impressed. I can just say that I am immensely grateful to men such as Gaijin because they have enabled me, a medium height girl who cannot wear heels at all and wears jeans from Goodwill, to feel wanted and appreciated and admired.

Yes. And the naiveté of the OP is surprising. I would have thought that it does not take sleeping with 100+ people to figure out that men, as women, are attracted to different things at different times and there are no cliches that apply to all.

You should try writing erotic stories. You may be good at that - at least it is worth trying. I am also surprised that you have reviewed the whole Internet not to find anybody like you because it is not that you are describing sleeping with extraterrestrial agents, for god's sake. OK, a few more partners than the statistical average, tall, likes heels, likes to dress in feminine clothes, two strong romantic relationships by age 28, one marriage by age 28, a little bisexual, a little into being dominated, one r/s with an older man, so what? What is so freaking unusual? I cannot believe that the Internet is not overflowing with stories of wives who want spanking after starting to feel sexually possessive - I am not into reading them, in general, but I am sure they exist in quantity. It baffles me that you have been unable to find them.

***

Yes, it seems limiting and unfortunate that you do not feel happy and confident without heels. It is like heels are your crutches. But things can be much worse, so it does not seem to be an extreme problem as long as you have a good collection of pumps. If you want to try something liberating, maybe make an attempt to walk in flat shoes for a while and see if the world would come to an end. If it does not, increase the time wearing flats. Then, progress to going barefoot. It is called desensitization.

In this post, Gaijin did what your T should have been doing instead of feeling baffled, namely, put you in touch with reality. You do not have a sexual addiction because addiction is something that ruins the life of the addict and you would get high scores for both functioning and life satisfaction. Your problem is that you are out of touch with reality. If you honestly believe that day in and day out every man in your office goes to work primarily to enjoy seeing you, you are out of touch with reality. If you have reached the age of 28 believing that you are the only woman on this planet who has managed to seduce her father's friend, you are, likewise, out of touch with reality. That seems to be your core problem. But I am not sure it even needs fixing for now. Eventually though it would become a concern because, I can tell you from experience, coquettish old ladies with excessive makeup ellicit only pity if even that.

I would also take MCMI if I were you to learn your personality profile. That would be instructive.

"If you have reached the age of 28 believing that you are the only woman on this planet who has managed to seduce her father's friend, you are, likewise, out of touch with reality."

None of my daughter's friends ever tried to seduce me. So what's wrong with ME?? :-(

There is nothing wrong with you! Maybe you are simply too sweet. I am only starting to like sweet men after forty and even that, just a bit for now.

And the point was not that every single young lady makes it her quarterly goal to. Sseduce every single male friend of her dad and does not rest on her laurels until she suceeds. The point was the reality described by OP is common enough so she should not make a big deal out of it.

But life would be much easier if that cliche "just happened" to apply all the time...

Hey Ponder(osa) how are ya?

I'm not a sex addict, and I found it quite disconcerting, not sure I'd say triggering but almost.

Indeed I questioned the motive behind this post more than anything.

Considering the placement of this post and the content I'd say that would be a pretty loose use of the term "well adjusted". In my mind a well adjusted person is one that doesn't have to ask the questions or wonder what's not right. I mean if that were the case wouldn't she be on a casual sex site because she was completely comfortable with her addiction and sought out more of the same? Just a thought.

LlI would take that over what she described in her post any day. And I am a 22 year old male.

Pinupdolly, I am not sure if you created this post looking for a serious intelligent response or not, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt and provide you with one. Yes, you do have a problem, but more than being a sexual problem you have an attention problem. From reading your post you can tell that you crave attention. The two can go hand-in-hand. Same with insecurity, which is also a problem you seem to have. Anyone who can sit there and rant about how great their life is probably doesn't really feel like they have such a great life. The whole post seems fake, not that it is not true but that you don't truly believe what you are saying. That isn't a desirable trait.

I don't know where the attention problems are stemming from, but they are there. I also don't know if it is curable with medication or if it is something you need to work on yourself. I can't help you there. Perhaps instead of bragging about how great your life is and how wonderful you are, you need to sit back and think about what makes you want to scream that to the world. That isn't being rude it is being serious and helpful. If you will come to the conclusion every one else has - that you are an attention seeker and there really is a problem. You have to admit that to yourself before anything can be done and at this point you don't seem to want to admit it to yourself. I will say one thing, being so blatantly obvious that you want attention will just give you less of it. You will find attention from some guys that like that kind of thing but the majority of people will turn their heads. That could be part of the problem, that you think showing how much you want attention will give it to you when really it won't.

We don't judge here and you do have something wrong, so I do wish you the best and hope you can admit your faults to yourself and then get help with them. Take care.

To probably sound like a total ***** (like I care)... You knew you were coming to a forum of sex addicts & you chose to write provocative material clearly states to me that your intentions don't seem to be very genuine. You're more focused on getting validation & rousing people than actually being concerned.

If your therapist doesn't think it's a big deal because it's not negatively affecting your life -- well then great. You're well-adjusted & have a good sexual appetite. If you have kept it from interfering in your life so far, then there's no reason you can't in the future. There's nothing wrong with exploring parts of human sexuality some people seem to think is reserved for the mentally unstable, abused, or depraved.
Some people are adrenaline-junkies & go skydiving for fun. You have sex for fun. But you also have a serious desire for attention & you don't have to have a wrecked childhood to develop that -- it could have been your peer group. It could have been a romantic partner. It could have been your "good girl" card was overly-validated & you subconsciously felt you needed to break through that.

I honestly can't tell you because I'm not a professional. But I do know that I'm not the only person here you triggered... So while I am as recovered as I can possibly get, there are a lot of people who have serious & life-damaging issues with sex that probably can't handle this post as well. I'd use better judgement next time if I were you.

Shayatanica,

I do not know what is triggering about the post. Maybe because I am not an addict and do not understand. The post is too long, for one. For another, it is extremely boring and repetitive.

It is the particular use of descriptive language ad the way it comes across, Maybe one does need to fight the addiction to understand. Personally, it was the most triggering post I have come across on PC. It wasn't harmful, mind you, but stirred up some intense thoughts and memories.

Aha. Thank-you H-B. You've just answered the question I've been asking myself for over 20 years. This is completely off topic from the original post, so I apologise.

I'm 40, shy, a virgin and, whenever I think about it, believe I'm never going to have a relationship with a woman in my life. My posts on these boards have received a "you're sweet" response from at least 4 different women in the past week

It seems I'm too nice, too caring. Trouble is, I don't know how to be anything else and, honestly, I don't think I want to be anything else. I always try to treat women (well anybody) with respect, honesty and always think through my actions to ensure no-one is insulted or hurt before I do them. I make mistakes, so that doesn't always guarantee I don't put my foot in it, but protecting other peoples feelings is very important to me.

The above describes how I think a man should be, but if that's so, why am I so dog-gone lonely! I try to be a good bloke, but all the girls are after "bad boys". I'll admit I'm short and don't exactly look like Brad Pitt, but it seems I can't bloody win!

Anyway I'm ranting now, so I'll shurrup! Just wanted to say thanks.

H-B: I read the whole thing, thinking that maybe it would get somewhere & I could provide a useful response. But after talking about all of her public play & the types of things she does for her husband... It's a bit of an overshare. She has great narrative skills, I'll give her that! But it's equivalent to someone in the abuse section talking in great detail about all of the things said abuser put them through -- it's just way more detail than is helpful. I usually can look away from things & not be affected by them, so it mystifies me as well. Hahah.

T-B: Yeah, it kind of got me obsessing a little. But I got over it pretty quickly... Words aren't all-powerful! But they can be influential.

Astenon: Good luck finding someone!! It's never too late to start. And at least it will be more worthwhile once you finally DO land someone. Don't let what "most people" want discourage you from seeing the ones that actually matter.

^^^ Totally unnecessary. Clearly a cry for attention & satisfying her exhibitionist urges by preying on addicts. While I'm presently unaffected, it's kinda sick that someone with so much "self esteem" has nothing better to do with her time. Hahahah

I do not. As I said, boring and repetitive.

Yes you do have a problem, you're lying to yourself

Everything is so exaggerated though, who actually says I am perfect I am daddy's good little girl unless you like taking the role of a Disney princess. I hope this isn't a childhood rooted problem but it usually is...

You're not the only one, there are other attention-seeking, flamboyant women out there don't worry, but ok this is the way you seek help I get it, you may have something like many of us do. You don't find anything wrong with you because you don't have a solid morale, things unacceptable to society might be totally acceptable with you ie; sleeping with many, many strangers. You are disconnected from the society, masterbating in public, at work, where you want people to peek is unacceptable, not "a bit risky". I believe your story may be more exaggerated than it really is or dramatized. trouble may come when you feel more craving for attention and new excitement and want more also you mentioned being the jealous type, which can make things more dangerous to you and other people

I can TOTALLY see how the OP's sexual stories were triggering to sex addicts. I didn't read the whole post but I read an excerpt from it, courtesy of Shayatanica, and I got all hot and bothered and wished my boyfriend were here and I'm not a sex addict. That post to a sex addict is tantamount to waving a bottle of Oxycodone in front of an opiate addict.

The parts that I did read were so self absorbed, it bordered on narcissism. I do think this poor girl is in need of some help, not for her sex issues, but for her attention-seeking. However, just because she craves attention does not mean she is a bad person. I dunno. It's hard to say much about this since I didn't read the whole OP.

i agree with calling yourself names, perhaps it would be the first step in respecting yourself if you didn't. I didn't read the entire post either. so I guess my advice would be worthless if I commented on it. I just wanted to say to have more respect for yourself and other people will too.

Don't read the whole OP. Do not waste your time. As I said, it is boring and repetitive.

You know how they say if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all?

Yeah.

That.