My Sex-Addict-ish Story

Me: 25 (26 in April). Married to youth minister for 5 years. Have 2 year old daughter. Babysit a 3 year old boy in home full-time. I would call myself a sex-addict-ish.

First some background. My first kiss wasn't until I was 16. After that, I wanted more and more. But on the outside, I was the "goody-good" kind of girl. Great grades, manners, "perfect" Christian girl, etc. But I loved the thrill of being a "rebel" and messing around with guys I barely knew. Lost virginity at 18 with an ex-boyfriend for "closure" as he said. lol. Only had sex with 1 other guy before marriage. He was my "California" boyfriend. Made 2 trips out to see him, before I broke it off. At the same time, I was living the good, Christian girl life and interning at my church. The guy intern is who I ended up falling in love with and marrying.

The week before he proposed, I was vacationing in Cancun, getting drunk, and messed around with a hot guy from Australia. My excuse was getting in my fun while I can.

During marriage, I have kept an ongoing relationship with a guy I messed around with in high school. I was a senior and he was a freshman, so I always called him "My Freshman." We, to this day, haven't actually been together, but we occasionally text, email, and/or Skype with each other, trading pictures & videos. We have planned getting together several times, but one of us always backs out. I tell him he using me for free porn and he says I'm using him and just being a big tease to him, but we still continue with the fun.

I have also traded pics through email with a few more guys.

I did go through with it once with a guy friend. He and I were good friends in high school and best friends in college. After marriage, I stopped talking to him since my husband was jealous. But then, I secretly started talking to him, all non-sexual at first. About 3 years into marriage, I was in my hometown and texted him. We hung out at my friends, but when we left, we went to his apartment. We fooled around for awhile, but I wasn't able to go all the way through with it.

I have tried a few different websites trying to find a girl to mess around with. I've always wanted to be with another girl, but I always chicken out. My best friend in high school was bi, but didn't tell me until college, although I already knew. By the time, she told me, I was already married so she wouldn't mess around with me. We would flirt, but that's it.

All in all, I love to flirt and love the potential of an affair, but it's never really happened. I know it's wrong, but I still want it to happen, especially being with another girl. I love being a rebel: I live a "boring, good-girl" life in reality, but love the secret sexy other life of mine. Oh, and my husband is lousy in bed.

(I also have bipolar, so maybe that's a cause too?)

Do you want to save your marriage? Work through these issues? At any rate, I suggest you talk to a therapist about your situation and see what he/she says. You have a lot going on here.

Hope things will work out for the best soon.....

Break it off with your husband before you hurt the poor guy....
Then go to sexaholics anonymous

[IYou shared this PsychCentral, does that mean a part of you is ready to stop your addictive behaviour?

I don't know whether Sex Anonymous, 12 step group, is something you think will help you at this time.

And a therapist, would be helpful as well.

These are suggestions to consider, if you wish to work this addiction out.

Take care. Perhaps other PC members will contribute their thoughts as well.[/I]

There is nothing to suggest bipolar in your account.

How did you manage to marry a guy who is lousy in bed? Those kind of things should be checked before you get married. Given the amount of time you planned to spend with your husband in bed, you should have been at least moderately excited about him. You weren't? Then why did you marry him? You are wasting your life.

And, you are also operating on and getting off off (no pun intended) an extremely unhelpful, if not to say outright stupid, dialectic that pits good manners and good grades against sexuality. If you remove this dialectic and instead integrate good manners and grades with sexuality, you will serve yourself well for the rest of your life.

You are also very immature in your use of vocabulary. It is weird for a 26 year old woman who works to repeat the word 'mess around' sorry word combination, so many times in one fairly short post. You seem stuck in HS. Finally, your sexuality is very shallow.

Those are issues for T. It will take a long time.

You are also very immature in your use of vocabulary. It is weird for a 26 year old woman who works to repeat the word 'mess around' sorry word combination, so many times in one fairly short post. You seem stuck in HS. Finally, your sexuality is very shallow.

Those are issues for T. It will take a long time.

You are also very immature in your use of vocabulary. It is weird for a 26 year old woman who works to repeat the word 'mess around' sorry word combination, so many times in one fairly short post. You seem stuck in HS. Finally, your sexuality is very shallow.

Those are issues for T. It will take a long time.

You are also very immature in your use of vocabulary. It is weird for a 26 year old woman who works to repeat the word 'mess around' sorry word combination, so many times in one fairly short post. You seem stuck in HS. Finally, your sexuality is very shallow.

Those are issues for T. It will take a long time.

I am sorry. I do not know what caused multiple posts.

What would be the purpose of then going to Sexaholics anonymous? OP is unclear on her orientation. She has, per OP, always been curious about having sex with females, yet too tentative to actually go ahead with a trial. I did not realize that Sexaholics Anonymous are set up to resolve the issues surrounding the lack of clarity with respect to one's orientation.

OP, I read you post on another thread yesterday.

Your choice of username is correct.

You do not know yourself.

You are also incredibly confused about very basic things, and your priorities are completely out of whack. You need serious one on one help.

You married a Christian man in an effort to be straightened out.

That is exactly like a mail order bride from one of the poorer countries who would marry an American/Canadian man she does not care about for immigration benefits.

That is using a man as a tool. People in general prefer to be treated as humans, and not be used as tools.

The difference between you and a mail-order bride lies in the fact that the benefits of immigration to North America are real and fairly well defined. Your 'straightening ' or however you call that which you wished to obtain via marriage is a poorly defined idea in your head.

You do not need a 12 step program of any kind primarily because such programs even if they offer some value are mass marketing products, and you do not need a mass marketing approach. You need individual therapy in which somebody would work with you on very basic issues, patiently and for a long time.

And, mail order brides often divorce their husbands once they obtain permanent residency.

In your case, you married the guy in order to obtain the benefit of straightening, but you said that it did not work out.

So you might as well divorce him as a failed experiment.

Break it off with your husband. You're going to be miserable and he's going to be absolutely devastated.
To be honest it sounds like you never grew up I agree with hamster. I'm sorry to say it but it is the vocabulary of a high schooler.

Holy crap. Is this thoughtful support? It just sounds judgmental and critical. Analyzing a person's English and drawing inferences from that. I like the idea of seeing a therapist. You brought children into the world, you have some responsibility towards them. Maybe a therapist can help you figure out a life plan that satisfies your need to express yourself - rebel - and fulfill the commitments you've already made. Husbands can learn stuff - we all can.

Well, on this forum, English is pretty much all that we have to draw upon.

rofl Hamster...epic quadruple post? I would suggest, respectfully, that we let the "mess around" phrasing go...lol go read some of my older posts in the sexual and gender issues forum. It took me forever and a day to get comfortable enough to not beat the ever loving (your word here) out of the proverbial bush. Idontknowme sounds a lot like my old posting habits, in that she makes heavy use of euphemisms. No harm there, right?

Anyway Idon'tknowme, I do understand that there's a certain amount of thrill in what you're doing...I don't fault you for that. That's quite the reason why there IS such a thing called sex addiction...the sex, I think, is secondary. The primary motivating factor is, as I see it, the thrill of the hunt, in a way. Now granted, that's me going off my gut...I'm sure there's statistics out there that can ruin my argument. Either way, I feel like that's your motivation. Am I incorrect in that, do you think?

However, I'd beg you to try to reconsider what you're doing...I know, easier said than done, especially with something that's considered an addiction. But consider what would happen if your husband found out...it would ruin him. It's not fair to him...either you owe it to him to try to cut this out, or you need to amicably separate so you may pursue these things. And what of your daughter? She's young, so it's not a concern now, but what would happen to your relationship if she found out at, say, my age (19)? It would put an incredible strain on your relationship with her. I don't want that for you.

I would recommend a therapist for the root cause of the issue, but something you can do now is help improve your sex life with your husband. lol You tack on the statement that he's lousy in bed, but that's a significant motivating factor there. He can't learn if he's not taught, you know? Teach him what pleases you...help him help you, so to speak. If he's satisfying you, it would be much easier to move away from these sorts of things.

I hope I was of some help...please know you're in my prayers, and I wish you all the best.

Hugs,
Harley

Harley,

I cannot delete the extra posts. Too late - no edit button.

Sorry.

lol I know. No worries about it. lol Just found it funny, is all. I've had that happen SO many times on other forums...Gamefaqs was notorious for it before they added in the edit/delete button.

please, whatever you do. Think about you child.. I wouldn't want to grow up knowing my mother was cheating on my father. How horrid.. you should really seek help before you hurt your family

thats a great point i totally agree with the thrill is a driving factor. its exciting and fun. also hell yea show him what you want in bed. if you want it to work then tell him what you want let him know how. if he thinks hes doing it well and hes not, give him some direction. make it fun for both of you. sex is one of the many many important parts of a relationship.
if you think it is an addiction then seek a dr out immediately before it sprials out of control. bc it will and you dont want to do anything youll regret.
hope the best for you!!

I have reread the OP and besides the excitement about secrecy (which you call "rebellion" without a reason - secrecy, sure, and secret life can be fun and exciting and that is fine, but there is no rebellion - rebellion is an act of OPEN resistance, so "secret rebellion" is an oxymoron; I think what you were trying to do by calling your life rebellious is to romanticize it, which is OK... sorry I am analyzing English words but since the post consists of English words and nothing else, I do not know what else to analyze...), what is noticeable is the high involvement of technology and multi-media (see the quote above) ) in the activities that you enjoy.

So... maybe start sending flirty pictures to your husband via Skype, email, or text? Maybe that would be fun? Not necessarily to replace "actually being with him" but to supplement it?

(perhaps not inteneded) but you seem to be coming across pretty hard on her.. she is asking for advice and needs contructive advice.

Seeing a therapist may be a good idea. Please do something before you hurt your husband. Like I always say, if a person is going to act single, then they should be single...Your husband may not know of whats going on, such as the emailing and exchanging pictures with the other guy. But believe me, everything usually always comes out. Somehow, some way... I know how it feels to have a partner have an online relationship or whatever you prefer to call it. It hurts