[Monday009]

I've been having several issues with sexuality. First let me say I am 45 years old.I'm also a virgin.
Not that I wanted it that way. But do to severe shyness when I was a teenage girl. I did not date .
Then I went through a depression developed OCD and eventually lost my sex drive due to all of this.
Up until then it was pretty healthy. I had always been attracted to boys and dreamed of prince charming etc. But after I lost my sex drive I started worrying I might be gay. Which is not unusual for people with OCD .This was 20 years ago.
Anyway I went through that. I got some help with all of my problems and the sex stuff kind of died down..though I think I always repressed my sexuality a little for fear of being gay.
I eventually started dating and thought maybe I'll actually loose my virginity.LOL But little by little I got sick and a few years later I got a chronic illness and lost my sex drive again.
So I'm not really worried about losing my virginity anymore. It doesn't prove anything. Right now I just miss the sex drive. Even if I didn't have a partner, I'd have fantasies about having a man not just about sex but just having one in my life, taking care of me etc. and that kept me company when I was sick and alone. It kind of went away with my sex drive though.I find it harder to just have a romantic fantasy even if it doesn't have sex in it.
I talked to a doctor about it which was so hard for me, but they mostly for women blame it on emotional issues. I've already got so many issues to talk to my therapist with I don't have time for more issues. Plus, In my case I think this time , it's also very physical. It seems to have started suddenly after the illness and then I had my ovaries removed which cause me to go into premature menopause..again loss of sex drive is a biggie with that. I lost physical sensation down there...but good luck getting help with that if your a women. No little blue pill for us.
But I know some work on my emotional issue would help though because that always helps the physical.
So I feel my whole life I have been not repressed exactly..I always had a pretty good sex drive but certain things I would restrain.Like I still have a fear of homosexuality. I think that I never really faced that head on and let myself explore it.
I mean I see so many women who are open about their experiences, and it doesn't seem to mean that much. I hear about people that have actually had same sex sex and yet they go on and have a heterosexual life.
So I think I believe that you can be straight and yet have some feelings for the same sex. In fact I think it's normal. But there's that fear. If I think about this maybe it'll take over. Especially since my sex drive for men has been considerably lowered since Surgical Menopause.This is really silly I know but that's the OCD kicking in.
I didn't post this is the OCD section because it's not so much about the OCD but about exploring sexuality. And I think in the OCD forum it mostly might be about calming the anxiety that you're gay. I know i'm not I just want to learn to open up to all of my sexuality. So that I can feel whole and not have these hidden fears.
For instance there was a beauty contest on the other day and all of those beautiful women were there in their swimsuits and I had trouble knowing how to feel about it. They were beautiful and sexual and yet I had a fear of that. I'm not sure how other women deal with looking at other beautiful women especially those who are very sexual.You know perfect bodies and such. I don't know how to let myself look at them and feel whatever I'll feel without judging it so I just turn it off. Now I now it' possible for straight women to feel something if they see an attractive women. But I am so afraid of letting myself feel it. I really admire women that are straight that fantasize about other women or even experiment. Because it's shows they are confident in their sexuality. I am not.LOL How do you allow yourself to be free about this stuff? I'm not even looking for an actual experience. I just want to be able to let sexual thoughts come and go without judging them.
Any advice . Anyone have a similar experience or maybe have a time in their life where they felt more repressed then they are now?
This is so hard to talk about but I feel it's the best thing to do..

First of all I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of. You shouldn't be ashamed of being a virgin nor should you be ashamed of your sexuality. I think you're too quick in labeling yourself and finding women attractive doesn't necessarily make you gay. You could be bisexual and then again you might not be. Think of sexuality as a spectrum, you don't have to label yourself as one thing or the other and you could just fit into the gray area in between rather than look at it in black and white terms. I don't understand why you're afraid to be gay nor do I understand why you're so afraid to explore your sexuality. Sex is nothing to be ashamed about and the same goes for what arouses you.

[Monday009]

Originally Posted by Numpty

First of all I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of. You shouldn't be ashamed of being a virgin nor should you be ashamed of your sexuality. I think you're too quick in labeling yourself and finding women attractive doesn't necessarily make you gay. You could be bisexual and then again you might not be. Think of sexuality as a spectrum, you don't have to label yourself as one thing or the other and you could just fit into the gray area in between rather than look at it in black and white terms. I don't understand why you're afraid to be gay nor do I understand why you're so afraid to explore your sexuality. Sex is nothing to be ashamed about and the same goes for what arouses you.

Thanks Numpty.
Well the shame thing ..first off, my family never discussed sex. We were all shy and my parents were uncomfortable with it so I grew up to be uncomfortable with it as well.
Then being shy on top of that made it worse. I felt shy even expressing my feeling about boys that I liked with my friends. I'd be afraid they'd make fun of me or whatever.
I also grew up with two older brothers that would tease me mercilessly.Which for the most part didn't damage me because I knew they loved me but since I was had an issue with the subject of sex, that I did not want to be teased about that. When I was a little girl about 5 , I had a crush on a little boy in my class. My brother found out and would not stop teasing me. At the time it what so humiliating. I was just so sensitive about it.
I started hiding my feelings about boys from other people. So I kind of became asexual as far as the outer world was concerned. In my own mind I didn't really have a problem with sex. It was just the fear of being found out by other people that I had an interest in sex.
At about the age of 14 my friend had a book that said she read in a book that everyone's a little gay. Which confused me.. And later on I heard about people"turning" gay. Again this confused me. And I got scared. Do people suddenly "turn gay"? I know it's sounds funny but when you're young you really don't know and if you have no one to talk to about it, it makes things even worse.
I never thought it was bad to be gay or anything. But I guess I saw society treating gay people badly ad so I really didn't want that. So I feared even the thought that I could be gay or bisexual.
The thing is before I started censoring my own thoughts I don't remember having crushes on girls or wanting to be with them or marry them etc.
I honestly do remember looking at my Dad's Playboys that I came across. I didn't really think about it one way or the other. It was just about sex. I was about 13 and curious about sex, and I came across these magazines , so I looked at them. I was aroused by them. Back then I didn't really think I was gay because of that. I didn't think about it at all. It didn't label back then.
Anyways, the thing is I am hoping I will help me get back to that place where didn't judge my feelings or thoughts. I guess I know it is not black and white, like you said. I mean you hear movie stars and people on TV talking about having feelings or even experiences with same sex and they just feel like it's part of their sexuality but it doesn't define them. I so get that. Accept when it comes to me.
I guess it's just very hard for me after all of these years of dysfunction to just let it go.
I think that's why I need to talk this out. It helps to hear from someone like yourself who doesn' t have such a labeled and departmentalized idea of sex
thanks.

I can't tell you what your orientation is because only you can really know that. But I'll tell you what I think... many straight women find themselves fantasizing about women during sex but that doesn't necessarily make them gay. From what you said you claim that you've never had any feelings for women and can't picture yourself with one so I don't think you are gay. I just want to make it clear that I'm simply giving you my opinion, that doesn't necessarily make what I say about your orientation true. Only you can know who you're attracted to and at what level.

Also, I don't for a second believe that anybody can "turn gay". You're either gay or you're not. The same goes for bisexuality. Again, I think you've labelled yourself too quickly and haven't given it enough thought. You don't need to label yourself. Just like who you like and you don't need to compartmentalize that part of you because sexuality is fluid and every person is unique that way.

As for your upbringing... you're in your 40s now. Nobody's going to tease you anymore unless they're a complete moron. Everyone gets teased at that age for crushing on someone and yes it is embarrassing when you're little but you need to grow out of thinking like that. Sex isn't dirty, shameful or anything to be embarrassed about. And to suppress your thoughts and urges is simply unnatural. You're a grown woman and you will get urges; I'd be more worried if you didn't get them. You'll find that you get turned from things you didn't expect either. That doesn't make your feelings wrong, so why would you try to suppress something that's just part of human nature? You'd be doing yourself more damage thinking that way than you think. I understand that you're shy and I can relate to that too. But you need to combat that. Get a therapist, speak to someone about your anxiety but don't cage yourself away for the rest of your life because you're too scared to acknowledge that you're just a normal human being like everyone else who gets aroused by things. EVERYONE does! So why would you beat yourself up for being normal? The thing is most people take the risk of asking someone out and being rejected and revealing their feelings despite being scared. But I don't think you made that leap which is a shame. It's really not as scary as you think.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by Numpty

As for your upbringing... you're in your 40s now. Nobody's going to tease you anymore unless they're a complete moron. Everyone gets teased at that age for crushing on someone and yes it is embarrassing when you're little but you need to grow out of thinking like that. Sex isn't dirty, shameful or anything to be embarrassed about. And to suppress your thoughts and urges is simply unnatural. You're a grown woman and you will get urges; I'd be more worried if you didn't get them. You'll find that you get turned from things you didn't expect either. That doesn't make your feelings wrong, so why would you try to suppress something that's just part of human nature? You'd be doing yourself more damage thinking that way than you think. I understand that you're shy and I can relate to that too. But you need to combat that. Get a therapist, speak to someone about your anxiety but don't cage yourself away for the rest of your life because you're too scared to acknowledge that you're just a normal human being like everyone else who gets aroused by things. EVERYONE does! So why would you beat yourself up for being normal? The thing is most people take the risk of asking someone out and being rejected and revealing their feelings despite being scared. But I don't think you made that leap which is a shame. It's really not as scary as you think.

Numpty, I know this was not your intention, but as someone in a similar situation as Monday's, I found your choice of words in this paragraph to be a little harsh. Specifically your "You need to grow out of thinking like that", "You need" etc., "which is a shame". Just a FYI.

[with or without you]

Monday,

I feel like I could have written much of your post myself. I am 29 and also a virgin, and I also am unhappy about it. It makes me feel like I'm only "90% grown up".

I have social anxiety disorder, I was diagnosed with it at 17 so I've been fighting it my whole life. I was extremely shy and never dated either, out of an excessive fear over what other people would say or think about it.

I would strongly suggest to you that you start talking about this in therapy. You say you have too many other issues, but this is something that's at the center of your deepest, most innermost self and it's clearly bothering you. It bothers the hell out of me. I never wanted to talk about it in therapy either. I had so much other crap to sort out. I lost my father when I was 20 and that has plagued my life for most of this past decade. The past few years I have made a few life changes. I am now living in another city and in my own place. Meanwhile, I hit my late 20s and that is when our sex drive really goes up (for us as women). That's when I made the conscious decision to stop talking about Dad in therapy.
I was so depressed for so many years that I repressed my sexual feelings most of the time. I never realized there was a whole other part of me that I had never uncovered (no pun intended ). I just wanted to be alone all the time, I was so miserable and I liked being alone anyway.

I told my T ahead of time that I wanted to start addressing this, I have been seeing her for almost 10 years so I feel very comfortable with her. I mostly got my feelings out in writing. In the last major "paper" I wrote, I basically outlined my entire upbringing in regards to sex, what my parents taught me [e.g. their answers to normal kid questions like why do boys and girls have different parts etc.], my relationships with a few boys [in my case, they never turned romantic but they were meaningful nonetheless...hey, that's all I got]. In the midst of writing it, I realized that I have been masturbating since I was three, and I began enjoying sex scenes on TV when I was 8 or 9! I guess I wasn't quite as asexual as I thought. I also tried to go back and think of anything that happened to me that could have been abusive. I could not. I am still working this out in therapy, but I think I was just so excessively inhibited and afraid of people that I never wanted to "let myself go" and expose myself both emotionally and physically to another person. Also, my mom was in treatment for alcoholism when I was around 10-11, and that contributed to my fears of embarrassment, because there was a lot of embarrassment to be had.

About 2 months ago, I was at a family gathering and my cousin's brother-in-law was there. I have met him before, but this time I was very attracted to him. I immediately became embarrassed inside. He is very friendly and we have some things in common, but I didn't get the feeling that he was interested in me too. Anyway, I kept this to myself for a few weeks. Then I decided to tell some people about it in confidence. And you know what happened? The more people I told, the less silly I felt about it. The more you let it out—whether in writing or talking—the less power it has over you. Sometimes that is all I need to get over a particular situation that I find troubling. It doesn't seem so "underground" or "secretive" anymore. I have been dating online for the last few months. I haven't met anyone in person yet, but I may be getting close. I haven't worked up the nerve to tell anyone that I am doing this yet though. Baby steps I guess. I'm still uncomfortable with this somewhat, but I'm working at it.

As far as wondering if you are homosexual or not, just because you are turned on by women does not automatically make you gay. It is universally accepted by mental health professionals that sexuality is a fluid thing, no one is 100% attracted to women or 100% attracted to men. I find all kinds of sexual acts to be arousing, whether it's heterosexual, man-man, or woman-woman. And yes, I find some women to be hot. But I don't want to be intimate with or live with a woman, I just can't imagine kissing a woman etc. I see myself more as living with a man, I want to do things to a man and vice versa. It sounds like you are feeling similarly. But only you can answer this for yourself. Also, keep in mind that these are just thoughts, nobody knows what you are thinking unless you share it.

I don't know if this was any help to you...take care

I apologize if it did cause any offense. I didn't mean for it to.

[Monday009]

Originally Posted by with or without you

Monday,

I feel like I could have written much of your post myself. I am 29 and also a virgin, and I also am unhappy about it. It makes me feel like I'm only "90% grown up".

I have social anxiety disorder, I was diagnosed with it at 17 so I've been fighting it my whole life. I was extremely shy and never dated either, out of an excessive fear over what other people would say or think about it.

I would strongly suggest to you that you start talking about this in therapy. You say you have too many other issues, but this is something that's at the center of your deepest, most innermost self and it's clearly bothering you. It bothers the hell out of me. I never wanted to talk about it in therapy either. I had so much other crap to sort out. I lost my father when I was 20 and that has plagued my life for most of this past decade. The past few years I have made a few life changes. I am now living in another city and in my own place. Meanwhile, I hit my late 20s and that is when our sex drive really goes up (for us as women). That's when I made the conscious decision to stop talking about Dad in therapy.
I was so depressed for so many years that I repressed my sexual feelings most of the time. I never realized there was a whole other part of me that I had never uncovered (no pun intended ). I just wanted to be alone all the time, I was so miserable and I liked being alone anyway.

I told my T ahead of time that I wanted to start addressing this, I have been seeing her for almost 10 years so I feel very comfortable with her. I mostly got my feelings out in writing. In the last major "paper" I wrote, I basically outlined my entire upbringing in regards to sex, what my parents taught me [e.g. their answers to normal kid questions like why do boys and girls have different parts etc.], my relationships with a few boys [in my case, they never turned romantic but they were meaningful nonetheless...hey, that's all I got]. In the midst of writing it, I realized that I have been masturbating since I was three, and I began enjoying sex scenes on TV when I was 8 or 9! I guess I wasn't quite as asexual as I thought. I also tried to go back and think of anything that happened to me that could have been abusive. I could not. I am still working this out in therapy, but I think I was just so excessively inhibited and afraid of people that I never wanted to "let myself go" and expose myself both emotionally and physically to another person. Also, my mom was in treatment for alcoholism when I was around 10-11, and that contributed to my fears of embarrassment, because there was a lot of embarrassment to be had.

About 2 months ago, I was at a family gathering and my cousin's brother-in-law was there. I have met him before, but this time I was very attracted to him. I immediately became embarrassed inside. He is very friendly and we have some things in common, but I didn't get the feeling that he was interested in me too. Anyway, I kept this to myself for a few weeks. Then I decided to tell some people about it in confidence. And you know what happened? The more people I told, the less silly I felt about it. The more you let it out—whether in writing or talking—the less power it has over you. Sometimes that is all I need to get over a particular situation that I find troubling. It doesn't seem so "underground" or "secretive" anymore. I have been dating online for the last few months. I haven't met anyone in person yet, but I may be getting close. I haven't worked up the nerve to tell anyone that I am doing this yet though. Baby steps I guess. I'm still uncomfortable with this somewhat, but I'm working at it.

As far as wondering if you are homosexual or not, just because you are turned on by women does not automatically make you gay. It is universally accepted by mental health professionals that sexuality is a fluid thing, no one is 100% attracted to women or 100% attracted to men. I find all kinds of sexual acts to be arousing, whether it's heterosexual, man-man, or woman-woman. And yes, I find some women to be hot. But I don't want to be intimate with or live with a woman, I just can't imagine kissing a woman etc. I see myself more as living with a man, I want to do things to a man and vice versa. It sounds like you are feeling similarly. But only you can answer this for yourself. Also, keep in mind that these are just thoughts, nobody knows what you are thinking unless you share it.

I don't know if this was any help to you...take care

Thanks so much for the reply. You so have a very similar situation. It helps to hear your opinion.
You wrote "The more you let it out—whether in writing or talking—the less power it has over you. "
thanks i"ll keep that in mind.I believe it to be true. I think that's why I came here . I did talk to my therapist about this last night. It's not the first time I talked about sex with a therapist but I told her I really want to address this issue because there's things I've been holding back on and I just don't want to do that anymore. It was helpful but I think I need more talking before I'll feel like I can put this issue to rest. I just wish I had more time with her. But I think maybe writing about things, like you we talking about might help.
Thanks again.

[Monday009]

Originally Posted by Numpty

I apologize if it did cause any offense. I didn't mean for it to.

Thanks Numpty.
I think the other poster understood it might hurt me because she too is very shy and the words might have upset her if it were written to her. And I felt that way a little when I read it. But I know it was not your intention to hurt.
But even though I'm over 40 it doens't make it any easier to let go. In fact maybe that's what makes it so difficult. It's like if you've been doing something your whole life , it makes it harder to just stop because it's all you've ever known.
That's not a cop out.LOL I really want to deal with this issue . But it's not so easy as it may seem.
I do know that people aren't going to tease me anymore and the truth is if they did at this point I would just ignore it or tell them where to go. So that's not really the fear anymore. It's just that those past experiences shaped the way I think .And when you continue that thought process on into Adulthood it just becomes part of you.
Anyway, What i'm saying is I realize at this point have to confront these things but it's a process . I think that's why I came here to talk about it. I needed to get it out of my head, face it and not be so afraid of it.
I appreciate the replies.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by Numpty

I apologize if it did cause any offense. I didn't mean for it to.

I know it wasn't personal. This is just a difficult thing to talk about, and I'm hypersensitive to it. That's all.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by Monday009

Thanks so much for the reply. You so have a very similar situation. It helps to hear your opinion.
You wrote "The more you let it out—whether in writing or talking—the less power it has over you. "
thanks i"ll keep that in mind.I believe it to be true. I think that's why I came here . I did talk to my therapist about this last night. It's not the first time I talked about sex with a therapist but I told her I really want to address this issue because there's things I've been holding back on and I just don't want to do that anymore. It was helpful but I think I need more talking before I'll feel like I can put this issue to rest. I just wish I had more time with her. But I think maybe writing about things, like you we talking about might help.
Thanks again.

You're welcome...that's great you brought it up in therapy. It is hard when you start spilling something out and then time's up before you know it. I guess the best we can do is to just keep acknowledging everything we're feeling and keep working at it. Good luck to you!

Originally Posted by with or without you

I know it wasn't personal. This is just a difficult thing to talk about, and I'm hypersensitive to it. That's all.

I know, and I should know better. Once again I do apologize if it hurt your feelings. I can understand how it did and aye...