After seeing my T for about a year and a half, I have mentioned it a few times (uncomfortably).

The first time it ever happened, was when I was reading him excerpts from a poem I had written. It was based upon a past relationship I had with a guy who I was very attracted to, but really couldn't stand otherwise. The poem used some more vulgar terms for the word sex. Anyway, after I read it, I didn't want to my T to think bad of me, so I mentioned how horrible it was of me to be with this guy just because I was attracted to him. So my T goes, "What, you think you're horrible just because you wanted to %#@&#! some guy who was good-looking?" I was half astonished, half relieved.

This opened up some discussion on my past "relationships" before I got married (enter borderline personality disorder symptom checklist-- promiscuity, lol).

Then I quickly mentioned something about my issues constantly hindering my sex drive with my husband. But I couldn't use the word sex. And I couldn't really elaborate on the issue. But I was really glad I finally got it out. My T said, "I've noticed there are some words you never use..."

I don't know if this has to do with my T being male. I could never imagine myself opening up at all to a female T-- but if it was at all possible, would I be able to talk about sex with her? I'm not sure if it's a gender thing.

[Maven]

I talk about sex openly with my T, and pretty much anyone who wants to talk about it. I wasn't always so comfortable; when I was a teen, I was much shyer. But I read a lot about sex, and learned a lot about it, and in doing so, I learned that most people think about, talk about, see, and have sex. So, why are we so ashamed and embarrassed about it? I decided, I'm not going to keep my mouth shut when everyone else has the same questions. Somebody's gotta ask, why not me? LOL! I want the answers, and I'd rather ask and learn how to protect myself and also, how to get the most pleasure, than be quiet and not know anything. Plus, there were other people who were open about talking about sex, and I liked people like that...not just those who talked about sex, but people--women, especially--who didn't worry what others thought. They said what was on their mind, and they shocked a lot of people, but you knew where they stood. I wanted to be like that.

It wasn't easy at first. I was still shy, still uncomfortable talking about it, but it got easier. And I don't mean I just started blabbing about sex everywhere I went. It would usually come up first, or I'd bring it up when it seemed a reasonable time to do so.

But back to your question. I feel you should be able to talk to your T about sex, because that's part of who we are. Besides, even if you're not ready to talk to other people, your T is a great person to get in a little practice! Whenever I've gotten a new T, I have no problem talking about it. Or to doctors and gynecologists. But I figure, if one of them seemed uncomfortable or said they didn't want us to talk about sex, I'd say, "Then you're not the right T for me." First, because I do have issues to discuss concerning sex, and second, because I want to be free to talk about it. I've never had that problem, but if I did, that's what I'd do, and then I'd get a new T.

yeah, i'm a bit shy. i don't much like sexual jokes and i guess i have ideas that are a bit different from others (i find that vibrators and pornography and the like result in my feeling squeemish). but i have had a couple of interesting conversations with people about whether to shave or not to shave down there at parties (interesting how there are cultural differences with respect to european / australasian culture etc). but i guess we were really rather drunk. and the scrunching or folding issue and another issue that i'd never really even thought was an issue (i guess it is for guys more than gals) between standing and squatting when you are doing the folding or scrunching thing...

with respect to my therapist... i've mentioned that a. (not me) has risky sexual encounters sometimes. and thats all. i think he has said a thing or two and he realises that i don't do relationships. i think i said that 'i don't like that' but i'm not really sure where that came from 'cause sure i do. dunno. embarrassed i guess. maybe... little ears were listening lol.

ah. i mentioned briefly that i was involved in a lesbian relationship for about 4 years though.

(before people get all excited that i do do intimacy she was one of my high school teachers and things turned a bit pear shaped and controlling after about 6 months but i was too terrified to leave)

i also talk to my T about sex as it plays a part in how i interpret feelings and how i express my own...

sex is nothing to be ashamed of we are adults and it is something we are involved with something we all do

we should be able to trust our T with most if not all intimate details of our lives cos we are there to sort through them after all...

[SecretGarden]

Oh just a bit o humor to get myself started here. My first post here and glad to see this area. I have been in therapy just about forever... really... I have talked about it here and there but am now getting in to it more than I have ever. It is a difficult but needed place to go. I am interested in hearing responses here as I am trying to come out of my shell so to speak and would be curious to hear of other's journies in this area.

I am pleased to be talking in there now by the way but it does not make it easy.

[Maven]

Ok, I need to know: What's the "folding or scrunching" thing?

[Liberada]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Maven said:
Ok, I need to know: What's the "folding or scrunching" thing?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Toilet paper??

[Rhapsody]

YES...... I can pretty much talk to any one about sex, for I see it as a natural act and a part of life, therefore, there is nothing to be a shamed of.

Rhapsody -

[Maven]

Seems I'm agreeing with Rhapsody a lot! I just agreed with her in another thread in this forum!

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Maven said:
Seems I'm agreeing with Rhapsody a lot! I just agreed with her in another thread in this forum!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[InACorner]

wait...so the whole folding and scrunching was about toilet paper...lol THAT waas your big sexual issue conversation?

hmm...im not one to talk alot to many people about sexual issues...i was tramatized as a young girl ...i guess like always i was just more mature then them...so at a sleep over we had a converstion about our periods...and boys and stuff..i thought i went over well....but then i got severly teased for it....so i dont talk to anyone i dont really trust..even then its always a beat around the bush kinda thing...oh but i dont have a T ....so i guess i dont really belong in this conversation hehe....i just liked the whole who do you feel comfortable talking sex with...and the whole scrunching and folding...if that really is about toliet paper...hehe...have a good day guys....pm me if you need me
love, inny

lol. yeah the scrunching / folding conversation was about toilet paper. it wasn't with my t either it was at a party. but it progressed from that to a conversation about standing or sitting when you are doing the thing with the toilet paper (some guys stand huh who would have thought of that lol).

no, i don't really talk to my therapist (or any of my past therapists) about sex. i mention it a little... but not really a a great deal.

[Maven]

Thanks for the explanation, but use of toilet paper isn't a sex topic, unless you're doing something sexual with it. I didn't know anyone did other than rolling it around their hand (and then taking it off the hand and using it flat) to use.

[InACorner]

lol is this where i say i scrunch??

[SecretGarden]

I am glad to hear this for you Rhapsody and I too think that sex is a natural and lovely thing and nothing to be embarrassed about in society. Alas... I tend to not be like the rest of the "typical" society.

It is the matter of checking in on atypical things or uncomfortable things that do not seem the norm that is important to be able to check in on. That is not always easy when brought up to not talk about these things that we wonder about.

Fortunately the training that therapists go through make them generally ready to talk about these things so it is more commonplace for them (fortunately) than it is for most of their patients.

Over time it gets easier. I am glad that it is easy for you. You are fortunate.

Okay, I feel the need for some clarification/elaboration. And please don't take this in a negative way if you were one of the people who said this. A number of responses indicated that you talk with your therapist about sex-- that sex is a natural, wonderful thing, nothing to be embarrassed about. I completely get what you're saying, but what if that is not the intended content of the sex talk with the therapist? I mean, I'm not going to go into my T's office and tell him, "I had sex with my husband last night. It was great." My content would be more along the lines of, "Between the ages of 18 and 20, I went from man to man, %#@&amp;#! them and then rejecting them just to ensure I wouldn't have an attachment. Oh and by the way, I %#@&amp;#! a married man. Oh, and I fooled around with many guys after only hanging out with them for a short while. OH, and since I have your attention, I'll just add that while my issues led me to being somewhat promiscuous a couple of years ago, now they lead me to having a lot of trouble having sex with my husband, but it's getting a little bit better than it used to be." Do you see what I mean? The content is difficult and unpleasant. It's embarassing because I am often afraid that my therapist will have a negative image of me. He has never done anything to make me believe that of him, but it is of my own insecurity. Sure, sex can be a lovely thing that you shouldn't be embarrassed about-- but when you're talking about how you had sex with married men, and men almost 15 years your senior when you were 20, it's not always the most wonderful, non-humiliating, natural subject to talk about.

> Okay, I feel the need for some clarification/elaboration.

Thanks. That helped.

I have similar issues if it helps any. Got involved with a church leader when I was 14 and a church / camp leader a bit later that year (both were married) and then had a lesbian relationship with my High School english teacher when I was 16 that lasted about 4 years. Then wanted to find out what was right for me which mostly involved sleeping around a little... After a while I realised... I don't feel anything for my peers (with respect to sexual attraction) but if someone is around 15 years older and preferably in some kind of position of authority... And worse still it only seems to be that I can be physically intimate with either strangers (because I'm fairly emotionally uninvolved and don't particularly care what they think of me) or because I'm in the grip of some kind of transference response.

And if I actually find someone attractive in a potential for serious relationship kind of way I avoid them and stuff so they think I don't like them because I can't stand for them to be close.

So. Anyone have any idea why it is that I don't particularly want to talk about my sexual issues with my therapist?

Even though sex is of course natural and beautiful and all that...

My issues certainly don't feel that way that is true. Sigh.

I am thinking that your issues around intimacy with your husband might well be exactly that: issues around intimacy. When it comes to strangers and / or people you are having a transference response to I guess it isn't really a meeting of two people. I don't really see them and they don't really see me. Whereas in the context of an intimate committed relationship... It can get a bit scary.

Fear of merger / losing ones identity in another / loss of self?

Maybe?

(I've read some paper from somewhere off the internet that was about hyper-sexuality and hypo-sexuality. That often people who have trouble with one e.g., being hyper-sexual in casual relationships tend to have the complimentary problem of being hypo-sexual in deeply intimate relationships. Might be worth a dig... I'll see if I can find it)...

http://72.14.253.104/search?q=cache:...ient=firefox-a

[dalila]

<font color="green">Well, I have to say that my 'talks' about sex with my therapist has involved years of abuse and becoming frigid as I tried to work through those memories emotions and fears. So yah now I am saying we did it and it was wonderful, but it has been awful for several years for us. I had that much to work through, now it is getting better.

But talking about sex has not been come into my bedroom and see how much fun we are having, it has been about a 40 something old man and his wife taking a toddler to their bed, a man 15 years my senior and married to my mother molesting me and believing somehow some way I deserved it all.

If this is not the sex y'all are talking about well it is what came to mind when I saw this forum and this thread. </font>

[Rhapsody]

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS )))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

For clarification................. I talk to my T about every aspect of sex - the good and bad parts of sex - and I went thru 11 years of unspeakable sexual abuse & torture, so when I found that I was having a hard time telling my T about the bad parts I just drew a picture or wrote it down on paper for her to read, then we would talk about it.

IMO... We must talk about it in order to heal from it - for it is thru the talking that we finally release.

Please know that I here if you need someone to talk to..... and I promise not to judge nor to condemn.

[sunrise]

I don't talk about sex too much with T, but we have touched on it here and there, like in the context of my extended relationship with my 35 year old lover that started when I was 17. I had quite a few relationships with similarly older men, in positions of authority, and in positions with supposed boundaries that somehow always got crossed. I had a history of attaching very readily to such men, and I must admit, when I first got into therapy with the current T, I had some of the same feelings come up. Here is a guy in a position of authority with boundaries, older than I am--it felt pretty natural to attach to him. Like climbing back into the saddle after all these years. (I've been married for a long time to a guy only 8 years my elder and who is my peer so have never counted him in this pattern I had prior to him.) It's not that I have a sexual relationship with T, but the attachment component felt the same to me as in these earlier relationships. Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but T does not seem to like it much when I talk about my relationship with the guy 18 years my elder when I was so young. He does not encourage me to explore it. When I bring it up, he is silent. And I wonder if he is thinking "maybe if I don't respond or ask her questions, she will drop this topic and move on to something else." I am not sure why he reacts this way. Maybe he thinks it is an inconsequential topic and not what we should be working on. Or maybe he disapproves of this relationship and thinks this guy was wrong to have a relationship back then with me, a teenager. And he doesn't want me to know he disapproves. I told him once that a friend I had during this era was the first person I told about the relationship who didn't disapprove, and I really valued that. So maybe T does not want to seem disapproving to me because I've given him this strong message that I don't want disapproval. I don't know.

We've also touched on sex in several other contexts, marriage for instance. But this topic does not dominate our sessions. We have so much else to work on.

[Maven]

I've talked about sex problems I have, but my T's always want to focus on my OCD, and don't really address my sexual and relationship problems. So, it's not that I won't talk about them, or don't want to, but that the T's never want to. I've tried a few times to find sex therapists, but the few I've found don't take Medicare--I'm not sure Medicare even pays for sex therapy, have a sliding fee scale or affordable fees, and don't have hours I can work with (my boyfriend is my transportation, so it has to be convenient to his work hours).

[LILITH]

Yes, I do talk to my therapist about sex... I feel very comfortable with her....

[sidony]

I occasionally talk about sex with my therapist. I mostly get very uncomfortable. It's not actually the topic of sex itself that makes me uncomfortable -- it's this feeling that I have that if I'm talking about sex I'm just attention-seeking ('cause after all, everyone's curious about sex and most people DO want to hear the details). I can't get past the feeling that I'm just attention-seeking (like it's not really a problem and I'm just being gratuitous or something) so I'll often just drop the subject. It's too bad because I do have some real issues around sex. I imagine I'll talk more about it in the future.

Sidony

[SecretGarden]

Sidony.... Your post interests me as I think it defined something in my talking about sexuality. It is something that I think I need to talk of but yet ...I am afraid that it is questionable as most of society does not talk of sexuality ...though we seem to connect it with people getting their jollies. So...I do not know if there is a line that should not be crossed in terms of even talking about it. My therapist and I are quite out there about boundaries but even verbally, are there boundaries in hopes for help? I think that therapists have been desenstized to talking/hearing of these things in terms of how most of us think or talk about it. But still.... I sometimes wonder what to talk about and when I might talk too much.....when really I bet I am not talking enough. Dang.

Lately I think I have turned a corner though I wish to talk of sex... I need to talk about intimacy for me. Not even in a sexual relationship but other relationships as well. Just interesting. Need to work on one to better do the other..at least for me.