[ColourBars]

How important is sex in a relationship? If you plan to marry them too? And be with them "forever" or as long as life allows?

[Pandoren]

I'm not really interested in a relationship, but if I did have one, sex would be a total deal-breaker. Everyone is probably thinking 'what??' but I'm asexual and although some asexuals are sexually active, for me sexual intimacy would totally compromise the emotional love I had for a person rather than enhance it like it would for people of other orientations. I would want to express my feelings in other ways than physically (of which there are many ways).

I think in the end that sex itself in a relationship isn't as important as compatibility in a relationship- two people might both think sex is an important thing to share with someone you love, but if one person wants to do it every day and the other only once or twice a fortnight or something, there you have an incompatibility that might cause friction and frustration.

I also don't think that sex should be THE most important thing in a relationship and I get the feeling that a lot of my peers choose a partner based on sexual attraction rather than personality and then wonder why a) it doesn't work or b) they get cheated on. Modern society has taught a lot of people to put sex first or sex as something so important that if someone doesn't do it straight away or doesn't want it really often then it means they don't love you. While I understand that for people of other orientations sexual compatibility is important, perhaps its overall rating should be taken down a few pegs to allow people to actually get to know each other properly first.

[PsychGirl123]

Just my 2 cents, but I think sex is important. It allows for a level of intimacy you just can't get otherwise.

I'm not saying you can't be intimate otherwise, of course not. But what better way to be close, connected, and truly intimate with someone, than to trust and love someone enough to allow them to touch you in such a private way? or to allow them to pleasure you, or vice versa? I have never had feelings that did not otherwise go to another level after having sex with my partner.

It's not required and certainly shouldn't be THE most important thing in your relationship, but taking intimacy to that deeper and more personal level is something a lot of people need, both mentally and biologically.

[Eliza Jane]

Completely depends on the people involved in the relationship.

EJ

[Lizzie B]

Before I get into a relationship I would definately sit down and discuss the topic with the person. Personally, I value cuddling, hugs, etc. more than sex. Athough, I'm going through menopause and my sex drive is like it was as a teenager. LOL So, yes if I was to get into a serious relationship sex would be something I would want at this point as well.

[Lizzie B]

Originally Posted by Pandoren

I'm not really interested in a relationship, but if I did have one, sex would be a total deal-breaker. Everyone is probably thinking 'what??' but I'm asexual and although some asexuals are sexually active, for me sexual intimacy would totally compromise the emotional love I had for a person rather than enhance it like it would for people of other orientations. I would want to express my feelings in other ways than physically (of which there are many ways).

I think in the end that sex itself in a relationship isn't as important as compatibility in a relationship- two people might both think sex is an important thing to share with someone you love, but if one person wants to do it every day and the other only once or twice a fortnight or something, there you have an incompatibility that might cause friction and frustration.

I also don't think that sex should be THE most important thing in a relationship and I get the feeling that a lot of my peers choose a partner based on sexual attraction rather than personality and then wonder why a) it doesn't work or b) they get cheated on. Modern society has taught a lot of people to put sex first or sex as something so important that if someone doesn't do it straight away or doesn't want it really often then it means they don't love you. While I understand that for people of other orientations sexual compatibility is important, perhaps its overall rating should be taken down a few pegs to allow people to actually get to know each other properly first.

Pan,
Thanks for increasing my knowledge of asexuals generally. It was always something I wondered about.

[Pandoren]

That's ok If you have any other questions, even personal ones, you know where to find me

[Lightrail11]

Originally Posted by ColourBars

How important is sex in a relationship? If you plan to marry them too? And be with them "forever" or as long as life allows?

I read a couple different questions in your post. IMHO for a marriage relationships sex is a critical and fundamental component. We’re married 36 years, still having sex at least once or twice a week . The physical intimacy bond enhances the emotional and social bond. Hope to continue having sex with her as long as we stay healthy.

[ColourBars]

Guess the relationship isn't gonna last too long if one person loves sex and the other doesn't really like it.

[Harley47]

Well, I'm not at a point in my life where I have to worry about that at this time (focusing on my school more than anything), but I would think that it is a herald of a problem in the relationship if one (or both) of you is sexually unsatisfied.

Why not talk to your partner about ways to improve upon your sex life?

[Perna]

Sexuality is a normal part of being human; the sex drive varies person to person though. I think sex is important in a relationship only inasmuch as other compatibility issues are important; if one does not get along sexually, there will be stress in the relationship just as surely as if one doesn't agree on finances or emotional expression or how to raise the children, etc.

Sexuality is part of one's expression of who a person is; for example, Pandoren's asexuality would not go well with someone with a high sex interest, as has been said. But sexuality isn't something that can be willfully controlled, anymore than breathing or eating can be; boys/men ejaculate in their sleep and I've lost count of the number of sex dreams I've had :-) It's a physical part of us.

[likewater]

Sex is really scary and complicated for me. My bfriend told me he would stay with me even if we NEVER had sex again. The funny thing is we both have high sex drives. He just cares for me and my psyche more than sex, and i go through periods of time where i cant. The
less i'm pushed, the sooner i'm able to be intimate again. I guess every person and couple is different. For me, i have to be loved even without the sex-- then the sex flows. Sometimes. I'm really trying.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by ColourBars

How important is sex in a relationship? If you plan to marry them too? And be with them "forever" or as long as life allows?

I would say that you need to be 100% sexually compatable, even if sex is not involved.

If you are completely comfortable marrying someone without having sex, which is uncommon, and they are comfortable without sex, then go for it.

But you are giving up a lifetime of sex by marrying this person who doesn't want sex. Most people need sex when it comes to a relationship.

For me, I need someone I can have sex with, explore my fantasies with, and be comfortable with masturbation alone or with them.

[ColourBars]

I read everyone's posts and I get kinda all fuzzy and confused in my brain. AHhhhh....... the person I'm dating, I've dated for over 5 years and we're each others firsts. For most of the time we were together, I faked my sexual cravings and desires to impress him. Then a whole bunch of stuff happened (related and non-related to this sexual dilemma) and went through this whole emotional and physical downward spiral. Now in the past year, I've been trying to... I guess, "regain" myself? Or something like that and this year I've told him the truth about how I feel sexually, how uncomfortable I am, how the things in the past I've did actually hurt me but I kept on going because I wanted him to be happy. Eh.... he knows and he says to me, "I'll love you for you, no matter what' but it seems like he's super unsatisfied now. With me physically and everything. That's why I ask the question, is sex a really important part of a relationship? He says he wants to be with me but it seems he's so unhappy with anything sexually related... actually, the lack of. I really want to be with him but I don't want him to be miserable because of me and what I want either. I tell him that if he'd rather go date someone else, I would be okay with it. But he doesn't respond to well to that either. Bleeeeeeeh, I don't know what to do. Lately, I've been trying to fake it now a days. I feel really happy and accomplished that I made him feel happy, it feels like I've done something right... but I feel really hurt and sad afterwards.

[Scotty204]

Every person requires different kinds of intimacy. It's important to find someone who is on the same level as you or it may not work out very well.

[JLarissaDragon]

Often it is the man with the higher sex drive, but my sex drive is higher than that I my husband. But then he is older. I could make love a couple of times a day -- but it is more important to consider his needs and desires as well. There are a lot of factors to consider. Do either of you have a lot of responsibilities. Do either of you have to travel a lot? etc. I love to be intimate with my husband, but I love him a lot more. My needs are not the only ones to consider. It is most important in a relationship to try to work things out. The problems come when it gets all one sided

[ColourBars]

On my side, I live with a room mate, going to school full time, have two jobs. Nothing really else... well except maybe I have a family member whom I take to meetings about their psych thingy sometimes, related to their school and learning.

On his side, he has a part time job.

I'm not sure how stuff like traveling, jobs and work have to do anything with sex in a relationship... JLarissaDragon O_O. Could you explain? I would get that traveling and being far away from each other for long periods of time would make sense. Other than that... nope. The "There are a lot of factors to consider..." doesn't really ring a bell in my head.

But I feel Scotty204 is right. "It's important to find someone who is on the same level as you..." I often ask him questions about what he likes about other women and stuff. I've told him he could be with someone else if he's so unhappy. But he's determined to stick with me and that's just making him miserable. As Scotty204 says, "it may not work out very well."

It feels like a disaster waiting to happen. By the way, does anyone else (asking mostly towards the females) kinda just shut down and drop asleep during sex? Just wondering. [I'm not saying that my partner is a bad lover or anything.]

[Pandoren]

Probably depends on whether you are dropping asleep because you are finding it boring or you are dropping asleep because all the happy hormones are making you drowsy lol.

[likewater]

I want to drop asleep as a defense mechanism when things get scary a way of dissociating

[ColourBars]

Originally Posted by likewater

I want to drop asleep as a defense mechanism when things get scary a way of dissociating

I wonder if we can train ourselves to do that. Within an instant. But it could be a side effect of natural reactions: Fight or Flight. Now we have freeze!

Originally Posted by ColourBars

I wonder if we can train ourselves to do that. Within an instant. But it could be a side effect of natural reactions: Fight or Flight. Now we have freeze!

I'm kind of having the same issues with my partner - except it got to the point where me "just going along with it" wasn't good enough anymore. And then I couldn't do it at all. Now we're at one of those cliffs...aiyee.

I personally find sex pretty tedious and mechanical, even if I love my partner. It's just not a part of true intimacy for me. I'd rather be doing a lot of other things, and yep - I do sort of mentally drift off.

[ColourBars]

Originally Posted by morsecoded

I'm kind of having the same issues with my partner - except it got to the point where me "just going along with it" wasn't good enough anymore. And then I couldn't do it at all. Now we're at one of those cliffs...aiyee.

I personally find sex pretty tedious and mechanical, even if I love my partner. It's just not a part of true intimacy for me. I'd rather be doing a lot of other things, and yep - I do sort of mentally drift off.

Yeah... that's what I kinda do too... I think? (I believe we're on the same page).

I dunno, like, I know that having sex is a really important big thing for him. So usually I just nod along to what he wants to do and let him do what he wants to me. That usually satisfies him. I don't think it's fair if I don't let him do that because he's always there trying to cheer me up, motivate me and supports me. The leaaaaast I can do is **** him, so to speak.

Originally Posted by ColourBars

Yeah... that's what I kinda do too... I think? (I believe we're on the same page).

I dunno, like, I know that having sex is a really important big thing for him. So usually I just nod along to what he wants to do and let him do what he wants to me. That usually satisfies him. I don't think it's fair if I don't let him do that because he's always there trying to cheer me up, motivate me and supports me. The leaaaaast I can do is **** him, so to speak.

LOL, what we do for love. It does seem to be a big deal for them, though that completely baffles me. Still, I don't need to feel it to understand that it's a need for them. (I have issues with just going along sometimes because I did that when I was younger and it just...I don't know, really set my teeth on edge.) Welp, I did get downgraded from partner last night. I hope things go better for you.

[ColourBars]

Originally Posted by morsecoded

LOL, what we do for love. It does seem to be a big deal for them, though that completely baffles me. Still, I don't need to feel it to understand that it's a need for them. (I have issues with just going along sometimes because I did that when I was younger and it just...I don't know, really set my teeth on edge.) Welp, I did get downgraded from partner last night. I hope things go better for you.

Downgraded? O_O What does that mean? I'm thinking of computers, and files and hard drives....

I often get really envious how he can just get aroused... *snap* just like that. Like someone posted before, it's so rare to even get to that moment in my brain and body - that when I do get it, I get so anxious and stressed to "keep it" because I know that is something he wants to see.... then it goes away... blah.

But anyway! I'm still struggling to think how to deal with this. I waaant to talk about it to my T but.... this stuff is awkward. to the max.

Originally Posted by ColourBars

Downgraded? O_O What does that mean? I'm thinking of computers, and files and hard drives....

I often get really envious how he can just get aroused... *snap* just like that. Like someone posted before, it's so rare to even get to that moment in my brain and body - that when I do get it, I get so anxious and stressed to "keep it" because I know that is something he wants to see.... then it goes away... blah.

But anyway! I'm still struggling to think how to deal with this. I waaant to talk about it to my T but.... this stuff is awkward. to the max.

Haha, downgraded as in "we are now best friends". But you could say that she has decided to find a better computer while keeping the old one in the corner (because she's still attached to it, it just doesn't serve her needs). Now I have to tell my family. NOOOEZ. D:

I know what you mean. I was digging for any tiny bit of drive or capability of arousal that I could use with her (before things ended), but it kept failing to surface. So much for that! It just wasn't working.

Oh, I know. I can imagine how difficult it would be to discuss it face-to-face with anyone. T__T If you want, you can talk to me about it. I mean, I'm no guru, obviously, but...I'm another brain to bounce things off of.