Living with Sexual Anorexia

Have you talked to a GP? You said you suspected a brain chemistry issue in that your orgasms result in a release of wrong chemicals. This is something to discuss with an MD, whether a pdoc or a GP, but not a therapist. Maybe there is some rare disorder that can be compensated for with medications. At least it is worth looking into this.

Another idea for you is to take the paradoxical approach in the hopes of getting to the point of desensitization. In other words, make it a goal to have as many orgasms as possible.

Thanks Hamster.

I haven't brought it up with a medical professional just yet. Not sure if I'd ever be able to. I know that it's their job to hear about these kinds of issues and to be professional. I just always have trouble talking about it or even bring it up, and that's with people I know. I prefer to just kind of bury the issue, socially speaking. I haven't even spoken about it with my own parents for many months now. I regret ever telling them about it in the first place, so this suits me just fine.
As for the possibility that I have some kind of absurdly rare medical condition, I'm sure it's possible. But I think it's a very slim chance. I've done a ton, and I mean a ton, of research on my own time into this possibility and have found no medical condition that fits me. I can't help but feel that if I did feel the need to tell a doctor about this, he or she would recommend me straight back to a therapist.

As for this paradoxical approach you talk about, I think I get what you're suggesting but I don't think it's something that could work for me. Could I try it? Sure. But I know from all the times when I have tied to compromise with myself that I will always be saying to myself that I can do better. That I can beat this thing. I'll certainly keep your suggestion in mind though.
I'm actually trying for the exact opposite at the moment. No pornography, no masturbation. It's only been a couple of days, but I feel great. I'm just happier and more optimistic all around when I make a conscious effort to purge all things sexual from my life. I feel like a better person, like I deserve to be happy, does that make sense? I don't know how long it can last, already that horribly familiar nagging feeling is tugging at the back of my mind when ever I have time alone. It's not like I haven't tried this kind of "cold-turkey" method before. I can't say with certainty that I won't start back up again and just wallow in my own self-hatred like I've done so many times before, but I'm going to enjoy my time on top while I can!

I must sound like a broken record at this point, but thanks once again to all the people who have taken the time to read and comment on this thread. I've pretty much given up on therapy at this point, so it's nice to have a place to discuss this.

I am quite satisfied living as you describe. Like I said, I left my H 6+ years ago & had actually separated under the same roof 13 years before that.

I don't need a T to tell me what my values are & what I feel is the right way for me to live......& no, I am NOT looking for any relationship ever. If one would happen to come & hit me out of the blue great, but I haven't even finished the divorce yet & that is to protect myself financially from the pathetic irresponsible person I married. I know this choice is what is acceptable to me given my beliefs & those standards I will NEVER lower.

Accept who & what you are NOW......in all reality, you don't know what you might encounter in the future & how your emotions will respond even though you think you know yourself perfectly now. There are situations in our future that we would never think we would react in certain ways & what a surprise things end up being to us even when WE KNOW we would never do that.....that saying 'never say never' is what I have learned over my 60 years of life.

I never believed that I would pick up & leave everything I had behind & move 2100 miles away to a place where I didn't know anyone in order to get back my life.

I never believed that I would have ever tried to commit suicide.....went for over 6 years with more attempts than I can even remember.

I don't believe that I will ever find someone that I truly LOVE & who I would ever get married to again & ever have sex again.....but like with the other things.....we don't know what is in our future & how we will respond at the time......no matter how well we think we know ourselves.

Yes, sure, if you have done a ton of research and not found any mention of a rare disorder whose description matches your suffering, then there is no such thing. And the doctors would refer to therapy indeed. If you were an older man with a garden variety impotence, then they'd advise and prescribe for you...

It's amazing what a bit more poking around can do.
Just discovered something called "Post-Coital Depression." It's not complicated, after sex, PCD brings people down instead of putting them up on cloud nine, as if the case when most people have sex. Sounds pretty damn familiar. In all the articles I've read, the depression experienced by people with PCD sounds pretty mild. My own emotional fallout is pretty damn extreme so I'm not sure if this is or isn't what I have, if it's just a small factor in what I have, or if I just have a seriously extreme case.

But hey, it's something.

It is something. I didn't know about the pcd. I did know and I think I told you about anhedonic ejaculation. It seems to be ranked like this:

1) anhedonic ejaculation is a neutral experience of blah, as opposed to the expected euphoric experience

2) PCD is a mildly negative response to male ejaculation.

3) Your condition involves a severely negative response to ejaculation.

If you agree that all of those are on the same axis, with yours being the worst case, you can maybe research what people with milder versions have done to help themselves and try those approaches, on the assumption that they might help you as well, though to a lesser extent.

My goodness, there are all sorts of forms of suffering you hear about nowadays.

Hey AppalachianAxis. I'm sexually anorectic myself and can really relate to your situation.

I'm a 30 year old male. I haven't been in a romantic relationship or had sexual intercourse. I have a lot of toxic shame about sex, my sexuality, sexual feelings/urges, etc. My family was really sex-negative. Due to the negative messages they conveyed about sex, I grew up thinking/believing that sex was bad, shameful, immoral, dirty, wrong, etc.

I'm also addicted to pornography and masturbation. While they are a problem, I believe that my main issue is sexual anorexia, and the porn and masturbation are the way I self-medicate to deal with the pain and suffering from not being able to form intimate relationships and have a healthy outlet for my sexuality.

I think can safely say I know how you feel. I'm sorry to hear about your own personal issues and I hope you can find some resolution.

I highly, highly, suggest trying sex therapy if you haven't already. I was morbidly anxious about going to a sex therapist but I was also desperate enough to try. I've had a few sessions over the last couple of weeks and it has been life-changing. It helps in a way I can't describe to even just get all the negative and embarrassing stuff off of your chest and telling it to someone who totally understands.

I was wondering about that.....

Since your thinking had been so far back in your life......as children we don't just choose to think certain ways.....out thoughts are LEARNED by either the positive experiences or negative experiences around us & by what other people teach us to think....you thinking starting so young had to have come from someone close to you or you saw things growing up that made you think disgusting thoughts about it.

As children we don't just make up our thoughts out of the blue & for no reason.

Glad that you are getting somewhere in your therapy now......good for you....but you also don't have to learn that sex is nothing but recreation. It has it's proper place....in a marriage between 2 people who love each other!

I actually seem to have done just that. As I've said before, I have always felt this was. From day one. Yet, no sex-negative family, no abuse, some childhood 'experimenting' but nothing I have any bad feeling about. Nothing to warp my thoughts about sex. It's just... me.

I did not get a chance to read each reply but Patrick Carnes has a great book out there called, "Sexual Anorexia". I am in my early 40s and have been in therapy to deal with this exact issue in addition to Complex PTSD and Attachment Trauma. I am a real people person and have great friends, but my fear of sexual/partner intimacy has kept me from even dating. I have to continue to work through my fear but it is very difficult and frustrating and not much attention seems to be given to this disorder.

Sometimes things that are left untalked about & left to the unknown end up becoming a negative in our lives because then it's left up to our imagination to determine what we are to think about it & just one word we hear in passing in our childhood even from other children like "ewwwwww that's disgusting"....can form that beginning seed that grows.....& we don't even know that we even heard that word or recall the situation around which it had been heard.

This thread just keeps popping back up at the most unexpected times! It's so great to still be able to talk about this! Thanks guys.

Firstly, let me say that I'm sorry to hear for your own issues with sex. I certainly wouldn't wish this kind of internal conflict on anyone. Glad to hear you are working through it!
I've heard of the book, and have almost bought it for myself before. Thing is, in the customer reviews I have read for it, the book seems very much focused on people who are already in relationships and is more focused on the relationship side of things that dealing with sexual anorexia on a personal level. It's a shame, because as you said, there's next to no other credible research or information on the condition.

That certainly makes a kind of sense. And I know where my feelings towards sex evolved from. It's a very personal subject, but basically I have always found a sense of happiness in things that one would can 'innocent.' Fantasy tales, children's stories, animated movies, and the like. In these things I found something I would call spiritually fulfilling. And my sexual urges were always things sort of dark enemy, and if I ever let them in or even for a moment allowed myself to think that my sexuality was ok, then I was sacrificing my connection with these innocent things that made me happiest. It's an abstract concept, and one I'm still exploring in Therapy, but there it is.

So, I'm hoping this is the best place to post this, because I'm kind of freaking out. Sigh, here goes:

So, recently I met up with an old friend from High School. Turns out, we had very similar situations and had a lot to talk about in regards to sex. She was very open and accepting of sexuality, and that made it easy to talk to her about my own sexual issues, which was a huge relief. We've been just hanging out on and off for a few weeks, nothing 'romantic' going on. But we do tend to talk about sexual things fairly often.
Now, just the other day, something came up. Somehow, someway, we were talking about the possibility of, well, doing stuff together, namely for my sake. As in, she knew I'd never done anything sexual with anyone, and well, frankly, she's done rather a lot of sexual things with people. So, we agreed on what was Ok to try, we'd go at a pace we were both comfy with, and that this would just be in the interest of helping me try something new.
So, after a solid 24-hour period of me being in a state of consistent anxiety attack, we met up and did... stuff. We each stuck with the boundaries we had discussed (my only huge requirement was that full-out intercourse was OFF the table), and were both quite respectful of one another. All in all, I'd say things went about was well as they could have gone.

Thing is, I'm doing more freaking out now than I was before or during the act.
I'm a mess of conflicting emotions, thoughts, and worries.
Namely, I absolutely don't want this to jeopardize our friendship. We've talked extensively about that. Both before and after. And I promised to do my best to not be 'weird' about things, something I'm confident she will do in return. This isn't the first time she's done this for a friend, after all. All the same, I worry.
Secondly, I'm having something of an identity crisis, now moreso than ever. Simply look back on this topic to see how I've struggled against my sexual impulses my whole life. Now, that's starting to change, and that's putting me in a very weird spot. My aversion to sexuality defined me in many ways. As conflicted and terrible as it could make me feel, I was at least secure and comfortable with familiar struggles. Now, that is all starting to change, and that's scary. It feels like I don't know who I am anymore.

I'll of course be talking about this with my Therapist and, more importantly, with my friend. I just felt the need to get this off my chest and see if anyone had some advice or a respectful opinion to share.

It's not surprising that this has put you in a tailspin- this is a big change for you. I don't have any advice other than to just stick with the feelings, ride it out, breathe, be patient, keep thinking about it, keep talking to your therapist, keep talking to your friend. Things feel frightening now, but that will settle down, and you will find your bearings again.

I have been following your journey with interest, and I'm glad that you share so willingly here. I find it inspiring, how hard you are willing to work to explore yourself and achieve personal growth. Wishing you well in your continued work.

Thank you very very much for your response and your kind advice. I appreciate the support.
After a few days, you're right, I've calmed down a lot and gotten my bearings. I'm still more than a little shell-shocked, after all I went from having done literally nothing sexual with anyone but myself to having done, well, rather a lot , at least for me.

I spoke with my Therapist about things, and my friend has been great with giving me lots of time and space to work things out.
At the moment, I don't think I want to do this again, at least not anytime soon.

The analogy I came up with for my T went something like this:
Right now, I'm working my way up a steep mountain. I'm progressing upwards one step at a time. Suddenly, I had this option to have an express escalator take me up to almost the top of said mountain. I got up there, and I've decided that while the view is nice, I feel like I'm not properly acclimatized to this elevation, and I'm a bit scared of heights . So, I think I'd like to head back down to where I was and keep working my way up step by step, and then maybe when I get back to that same elevation, I'll be more comfortable

Nice analogy! I have a tendency to do the same with a lot of new endeavors (new hobbies, work stuff, diet, exercise, and also, ah, romantic encounters), so it resonates with me. Wishing you well with your climb--
Climb Mount Fuji,
O snail,
But slowly, slowly.
- Kobayashi Issa

Appreciate it! My friend was very understanding... at least for a while. I'm starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with her. She said she was perfectly understanding about my needing to have lots of time and space to myself, but then she'll ask if I want to do stuff with her at random times.
I feel very self-assured in my ability to say 'no.' And that's exactly what I said to her. That's my choice right now. I've said it before and I'll say it again, doing sexual things has made me feel a LOT. But it has NEVER made me happy. And I feel confident that not doing anything is the right thing to do.

Well, well, well... I came back to the board after a three month self-imposed suspension (to focus on school) and when I saw this thread on top, my first reaction was: "Oh, no. Not again! He is still struggling."

I was so happy to read your news that wholly proved my suspicion wrong.

As for identity crisis I fully understand you. I am going through the same crisis except it was caused by external events. I will PM you about it.

I believe there is too much pressure placed on being sexual. Yes I want it, but personally I need an understanding friend and an companion more. The love life will occur and be much more pleasurable after this connection. My thought... be yourself Love comes is many ways - not always physical.

I'm sorry if this is material that's been tread on a lot before (I only read the first and last few pages of the thread and skimmed the middle) but I wanted to emphasize that you never, ever have to have sex. I struggled a lot with this issue, and still do - I have a libido, I experience attraction, and I feel that I should "fix" myself so that I enjoy sex and can have it with others. That kind of thinking only led me to hurt myself and others really badly. If you don't want to have sex, and don't enjoy it, you don't have to force yourself. You only have to change yourself if the changes are things you want to happen. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who thinks that sex is necessary for a healthy relationship and life can walk on by me.

That said: please, be gentle with yourself. Especially if you're dealing with confusing feelings and experiences that shake up your idea of yourself! You don't have to know the answer right away, and you seem like you're doing totally the right thing by steering clear of other sexual experiences while you figure things out. I'd also like to throw in a dissenting opinion and say that if taking medication to lower your libido seems like something that would make you happy, it's absolutely ok to do and worth exploring. It's always good to be cautious with psychiatric meds and aware of the effects they're likely to have, but several psych meds are prescribed for non-psych uses as well.

I often convince myself that I would be ok in a sexual relationship with someone - that it wouldn't be so bad - but when I'm honest and think about the kind of relationship I'd want, sex is almost completely out of the picture. That's ok. Whatever you want for yourself is valid, and listening to your gut with this is often the healthiest way to live, even if it leads to "unconventional" answers.

Thanks so much for this, it means a lot to me. Especially now when I'm really having to take stock of what's important to me. It's more reassuring than I can say to hear someone else say what I've been thinking.

You're welcome! If you ever want to talk about it more or need reassurance that what you're feeling is ok, feel free to message me. And good luck.

So, I've been doing a lot of research and exploration on my own, seeing as I can longer afford to go to Therapy.

I've come across the concept of post-coital depression before, but it never sounded quite right for describing what I was going through. However, recently I learned about the concept of "Sub-drop." A phenomenon common throughout BDSM circles. Sub-drop refers to a kind of crash that can be experienced by the Submissive partner after anything from mild to intense BDSM play. This crash can be immediate or can begin anywhere from a few hours or even a day or so afterwards and can last as long as a couple of days.
Symptoms can include: Fatigue, feelings of guilt, helplessness, pessimism, irritability, worthlessness, insomnia, and worse. Unpleasant stuff to be sure.

Now, given my history of Sexual Anorexia, I obviously don't indulge in BDSM practices. I don't indulge in much of anything really.
But, in spite of that, as I read about this I couldn't help but think, "Wow. That sounds EXACTLY like me."

I had experienced all of those symptoms, to varying degrees, my entire life after indulging in my own sexual urges. Reading about this sub-drop thing was so relatable and accurate it was scary.
And seeing as I, well, don't do BDSM or, well, anything, I looked into the science behind it. It's fairly simple. During sexual arousal or activity, our bodies release endorphins. These endorphins are meant to, well, get us high! They make us feel good, they make the more un-sexy parts of sex, well, seem sexy. And once sexual activity is over, those endorphins drop out of our system.
Everyone experiences this drop to "some" degree. Some simply temporarily lose interest in sexual activities, some feel a nit bummed out, that being post-coital depression.

So, essentially, my hypothesis as to why I've always felt terrible for thinking about sex or acting on my sexual desires was more or less correct.
I, for whatever reason, experience an endorphin drop FAR beyond what one is "supposed" to experience. I basically undergo "sub-drop" after thinking or doing ANYTHING sexual. That explains the physiological side of things.
Following that, the psychological side of things isn't hard to piece together. Ever since I hit puberty, sexual thoughts and exploration has been met with this severe negative reaction. This continued my whole life. So it's no wonder that I grew to resent my sexuality, my sexual thoughts, my desires, and sex in general.

Not sure if I'm actually going to be able to actually, you know, DO anything about this. But it's oddly comfortable to know the how's and why's of my situation.