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#1
May 18, 2013, 04:33 PM
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I've seen similar posts, so I hope I'm not clogging up the forums with this post. I'm a newbie here. A 31 year old virgin male (and not by religious beliefs, and without any history of sexual abuse). That fact alone is painful and degrading enough, painful enough to drive me to cry myself to sleep. Worse than the humiliation of never having experienced intimacy is the genuine terror that I have that I will never have sex or love in my life ever. I've brought this fact up with some women I've dated, and they say they respect it, but I believe it's lip service. So many women think virgins my age have one of three issues: 1) little boys living in their mom's basement (not true with me), 2) they need to be taught sex, or 3) they're desperate to get it on right away (again not true). To be, non-acceptance of this is an immediate, irrevocable dealbreaker. I don't want to have my heart shattered because a potential mate won't accept that part of me.I can't go outside because seeing couples displaying affection makes me physically quake with anger and sadness. How do I bring up the issue of my virginity to a potential mate? When should I bring it up? Is there a point where I shouldn't even bother to look for love and sex because it will never happen to me?
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 Anonymous200777, Anonymous33425, hamster-bamster, Maven, Shadow-world, Sometimes psychotic, sonnenschein
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#2
May 19, 2013, 01:03 PM
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Hi AK. Welcome to PC.
 I can sympathize a lot with your position. Though I'm eleven years younger than you, I'm in the same boat, with much the same feelings on the matter. I don't cry myself to sleep as you do, but I do completely understand your dislike of seeing couples out in public. There's nothing on God's green earth I envy more, to be quite honest. But at the same time, you can't let yourself fall to the trap of envy, you know? It isn't productive in any way, and indeed only really serves to hold you back. Realistically speaking, there's really no shame in being a virgin either. Yes, there's a great deal of societal pressure to punch the v-card, especially for males, but it is not some type of grand failure to have not done so. It is certainly not impossible for you at this stage in your life, and I don't quite think there's a point where you should simply give up. Just try to relax a little regarding it...easier said than done, I know, but generally speaking, I find things tend to happen all in due time. As far as bringing it up, you have, perhaps, more experience in broaching the subject than I do, as you have according to your post brought it up before. The thing you need to be careful to avoid is sounding like you're interested more in sex than you are her, which (respectfully) sounds like it could be a possibility that you're accidentally communicating based on the way you phrase number 2 in your list. While I do agree with the idea, the phrasing perhaps could be a turn off, as it could imply an undue obligation or responsibility on her part. In all, I think you have the idea correct. It's just a matter of communicating it without muddling your message. Ultimately, try not to allow envy to fester into bitterness, as that is one of the most self defeating things you could allow to happen to yourself.  Try to let go of whatever shame you're feeling about it...there is nothing to be ashamed of. Things, I believe, will come when they will come. Until then, focus on meeting the right girl and working on a relationship with her. The rest will happen naturally.  My best and hugs, Harley
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The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte |
| sonnenschein
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 ak482
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#3
May 19, 2013, 02:08 PM
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Harley,
First off thanks for the reply and encouragement As for what you mentioned earlier, I understand where you're coming from but that's not my intention. I don't bring it up as a way of saying "I want sex now, give it to me" but rather, does this woman truly respect that fact. I have no interest in getting involved in a relationship that winds up in heartbreak because she won't accept that fact of me, I don't have time. So I need to know as a matter of where she stands, not a means of having sex now. As for the "teaching sex" part. I've seen on dating sites where women have used that phrase as to why they won't date virgins. I guess the idea is that the man is supposed to take the lead and be the one to show the way. That's impossible with me right now, and the woman would see me as "less of a man." I thought there was some nobility in the act, but I wonder if that's true. As for the root of my depression: it started along the same time as my career change (which I'm glad I did). The parallels are scary: I had to change careers because the only jobs available were for experienced people. How can I have experience if I don't get it through a job? I find the same thing happening with sex. |
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#4
May 20, 2013, 12:06 AM
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As a woman, if a guy said to me on the first day "just so you know, I'm a virgin," I'd be like..."ummm, okay," and just find it incredibly awkward. I'm not a virgin, but I'm also not overly experienced, however, it's not something I find appropriate to talk about on a first or even second date. It's something I might bring up once I decide if the person is someone I want to continue seeing and someone I want to become physically intimate with. At that point, a discussion about experience might be appropriate. Personally, a guy's level of experience isn't a big deal to me. I think that if you can make things about the relationship and connection you feel rather than sex and levels of experience, it will take some of the pressure off.
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---Rhi |
| hamster-bamster, Shadow-world, shortandcute
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#5
May 20, 2013, 02:26 AM
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As a woman, if a guy told me he's a virgin (preferably not on the first couple of dates, like BlessedRhiannon was saying), it wouldn't bother me. If he wanted me to be his first, I'd be honored. I'd do everything I could to make it a wonderful experience for us both. I understand not wanting to be a virgin, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.
__________________
Maven If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream. Equal Rights Are Not Special Rights  |
| ak482, hamster-bamster, Shadow-world
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#6
May 20, 2013, 05:20 AM
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I don't think you should bring it up with women, let alone on a date. You can get the required skills by visiting a legal brothel in your area and then you will no longer be a virgin and you will be able to have intercourse with your partner with confidence. |
| hamster-bamster
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#7
May 20, 2013, 06:22 PM
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Quote:
 Seriously though, I'm glad the general counsel here has been to avoid bringing it up even if she does. Maven, I wish more women I see felt the way that you did Unfortunately it seems the philosophy of sex's importance is more prevalent. I couldn't date someone who would dump a person only because of bad sex as long as they were willing to try to improve.
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| Maven
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#8
May 20, 2013, 06:31 PM
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I agree with the other ladies on this thread. Mentioning sexual experience on the first date (whether a lot, a little, or none ) is very off-putting to a woman. Creepy even.
I also think that you might be thinking about this situation like a guy and not like the women you want to date. My female friends in your age group are much more interested in relationship experience rather than sexual experience. They like the idea of a guy who is interested in being in a relationship and worry that a guy who hasn't been in a relationship simply doesn't want to be in one. Many women in their 30's feel the ticking of their biological clocks and don't want to waste time with someone who has no interest in a future. Good luck, EJ |
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#9
May 20, 2013, 11:37 PM
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Good news is that he is making a very simple mistake which is easy to correct. |
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#10
May 20, 2013, 11:42 PM
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Or for the meantime just continue to get dates, which is a good start. Then you can just practice making out with women. Tell them that your last partner didn't like to kiss, so that's why you're a bit awkward with it. But don't mention your virginity. You'll sound desperate, or like a sad sack. |
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#11
May 22, 2013, 07:39 PM
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#12
May 23, 2013, 12:23 AM
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I think that if are able to put together words so well (I can instantly picture your hand very tentatively reaching for her hair... her hair being a little messy from the wind outside... yup, very erotic and so simple...), you should do well with women. In terms of dating etiquette, I can tell you what I know, mostly from reading about it on here and on the Relationships forum where you did post. No, I am not a virgin, but I had not formally dated until a few months ago - all the previous relationships landed in my lap without my trying to find them. So now I am more or less formally dating, from time to time, and have not had sex, but did kiss a guy just a bit and held hands with him after a few dates, on my own initiative. So from what I have read - there are no rules, other than "no sex on the first date", but you are not in danger of violating that one. And I think that you cannot go wrong with waiting for a sign from the lady. There is also the approach of asking for permission in a gentle way - say "Can I give you a hug?" with a nice smile before saying your good byes after an evening together will NOT make you come across as desperate - that I guarantee. |
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#13
May 29, 2013, 06:37 PM
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A possibly dumb question here: should I seek the help of a sex therapist in coping with the problems my lack of sex has caused me as well as to be able to overcome any hesitation due to worries of underperformance if/when that moment comes?
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#14
May 29, 2013, 08:58 PM
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None of the people on here have reported an experience (actual experience) of consulting with a sex therapist. I doubt though - sex therapists usually deal with sex-related issues, and you do not have any (yet). Also, what do you mean by UNDERperformance?
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#15
Jun 09, 2013, 07:09 PM
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) Trust me if I'm 35 and still haven't had any sex or haven't come close, I might not be around much longer thereafter (as I've said I'm 31 now).I had read somewhere where virgins my age & older who want sex but haven't had it should seek a sex therapist to see if there's some mental block. Of course it wouldn't work for me since it's not a mental block (fear of intimacy), I've just never been remotely close to anything intimate. |
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#16
Jun 09, 2013, 08:13 PM
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I think you should consider saving money up and seeing a callgirl. Even if it's just the once. You're desperate to lose your virginity, you may as well do it.
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#17
Jun 09, 2013, 08:18 PM
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- On your not being around much longer - even though sex and orgasms are beneficial to health, they are not overwhelmingly beneficial to longevity, and there exist and have existed numerous octogenarians amongst the ranks of nuns and monks, proving that you very well might be around for much longer even if you remain a virgin, although, of course, I hope that you would soon have your sexual debut - if you have extra money, talking to a sex therapist might be a good idea - normal women enjoy being passionately wanted, even in the day of vibrators. A woman can get positive physical experiences from a vibrator (I do not have vibrators yet, but women report positive experiences from vibrators all the time). A woman cannot get expressions of passion from a vibrator. So when you say that you fear "Underperforming= not being able to satisfy my partner", you are talking about some tricks or moves, right? (And yes, perhaps a sex therapist or a skilled prostitute in Canada can teach you those). But tricks or moves are not so important in the age of vibrators - humans look for sexual partners in the age of vibrators because they want a long range of things that vibrators cannot deliver, and you have all those things - you get turned on by women so you would be able to express your passion and desire in bed, you appear to be quite promising in being able to appreciate the more refined and subtle parts of human sexuality, and, in non-refined non-subtle terms, you are very hungry. All of those are things that a woman cannot get from technological advances in the field of sex. So you should realize that your sexual humanity is a valuable thing! Regarding being 31: A close male friend of mine was a virgin until his 40th birthday. He eventually went on to marry a woman 20 years younger than he is. So, I was the person to give him the 40th birthday present because it was fun to me - it is unusual for a man to remain a virgin for so long, so, I thought, I would, for one, give him the birthday present (his birthday is in the beginning of August, so I was home on vacation from grad school, and generously inclined), and, for another, do something that women normally do not get to do. In hindsight, he claims that it was not the kindest thing to do on my part, because he became hopeful that I would finally marry him after years of his unrequited love for me, and it hurt him when I simply said "bye" at the end of the vacation and flew back to continue in my degree program. So now he claims that I was cruel. I still think that I did the right thing, and he reports positive sexual encounters with a number of women, from time to time, until he met this woman, 20 years younger than he is, in an advanced degree program they were doing together, and she married him. They do not have children. At some point she wanted to have lots of children, but then stopped even mentioning it. So this long story is here for a reason: 1) He was able to marry a childless, burden-less woman. A) she is reasonably pretty, face-wise, and has a fine petite figure, B) she was married earlier in the days of her youth, had other options in terms of male attention so she was not in any way desperate marrying him, C) she is self-supporting financially through her small business so she did not marry him to get a stream of income from him, D) she has several advanced degrees and the small business that does not utilize them is her choice - she could do other things with her life, things that require a lot of education, and E) she is 20 years younger. In this society, many people would consider it a "success" for a man to find a wife so much younger without money tarnishing the picture... right? So his delayed sexual debut did not harm him. 2) When we had those love making sessions in August on and right after his birthday, he was wonderfully passionate and did not have a single performance problem!! He was very funny asking questions such as: "So is this how a woman has orgasms?", but he was not in any way defective or "underperforming". He was just fine. The one big thing that he did not get is children, and now that he is 50++ and the wife is 30++, it might be that he will always lack children in his life. But other than that, he is successful and OK. I hope you will do better than he did, not stay a virgin until 40, and, if you want to, do have children in your life. You should also read this forum in depth, and you will see reports from people, both men and women, with complaints that their partners do not want sex. And you do! You do want sex, you are able to get aroused, you are not on otherwise-life-saving medications that would kill your libido, you did not suffer from abuse, and you have the capacity to feel and express passion. So you are basically fine and just need a woman to appreciate all of those gifts. Last edited by hamster-bamster; Jun 09, 2013 at 08:32 PM. |
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#18
Jun 09, 2013, 08:29 PM
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Also, this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_surrogate may be better than either a prostitute or a sex therapist. Since the thread is titled "virginity and relationships", a sex surrogate would address the relationships component of your question whereas a prostitute would only address the virginity component, so a sexual surrogate would be a far better investment of time and money. |
| ak482
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#19
Jun 09, 2013, 09:13 PM
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As for your prior post, that's the ultimate birthday present for me To those who've suggested call girls/prostitutes, thanks for the help but I'm looking for love that is consummated with sex. I would give ANYTHING outside of my family & closest friends to have both of them. |
| hamster-bamster
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#20
Jun 09, 2013, 09:16 PM
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. I am sorry the IPSA costs too much - I was posting in a rush and did not check the fee structure.I think you probably need to keep dating, as per usual protocol - dinners, going to events together, and hoping for the best. |
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#21
Jun 09, 2013, 09:24 PM
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Last edited by ak482; Jun 09, 2013 at 11:46 PM. |
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#22
Jun 09, 2013, 09:42 PM
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The idea of seeing a prostitute/callgirl would be so you get a little bit of experience and in your own mind, at least you know what sex feels like and you yourself know that you're not a virgin. It's a psychological barrier that's no longer there. Losing your virginity seems to be a big thing for you, but it also seems to be getting in the way of you getting a realationship with a woman because you're so fixated on that. Women can smell desperation, you'd be better off saving your money, get a high quality escort to teach you a few things. Don't get a street prostitute though. Get that out of the way. Then you can focus on looking for a women for something more.
If you think about it, so far going you way of doing things hasn't worked out. You're thinking of killing yourself over being a virgin so why not pay for sex and you won't be one no longer? |
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#23
Jun 09, 2013, 09:53 PM
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 I don't judge those who've had sex before, why should I be judged?
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#24
Jun 09, 2013, 10:04 PM
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Okay, what happens if you meet someone and lose your viginity, and then for whatever reason they decide to dump you? Just because you lose your virginity doesn't mean shortly afterwards someone can't kick you to the curb, and so you lost your viginity that way without love anyway. And you could be waiting years for that to happen, if it ever happens.
I doubt you're being judged, but I suspect you want sex so desperately that it's coming over in your body language. Maybe you don't notice it yourself but women are good at picking up on this. |
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#25
Jun 09, 2013, 10:42 PM
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I've stopped even mentioning sex in conversation as the previous posts suggest, I just don't seem to click I'd like feedback from these women as to what doesn't work (and I need specifics, vagueries and I don't get along at all).
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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