that I will never have a sex life, much less a love life. I'm in my mid-50's but have never been in a serious relationship. On the one hand, I want one; on the other, I do not have the skills and seem to be self-defeating. I don't even have any friends and, frankly, have such a bad record that I am afraid to go out and meet people. It is not fun. I am not a great conversationalist or physically desirable. I am tired of my problems. Nothing has helped them. Therapy does not help because my issues overwhelm me. Meds just seem to dull the pain a little but offer no improvement of my situation. I have even given up religion as it did me no good. I am so tired.

I am not comfortable being gay and never will be. I am not able to adapt. Deep down, I need a cure but that does not exist. Yes, I need a cure. Nothing else will do.

Also, I need to learn how to have fun. This was not learned in childhood. All I learned was how to follow commands. There is no going back to overcome a childhood without playmates and toys. I was raised to be an adult from the start and have been damaged ever since. I cannot change who I am or my past. I cannot become the life of the party like my dad. Please do not suggest that I buy a box of crayons and draw like a child as several therapists have done.

Somewhere, when my conservative parents tried to toughen me up because they did not want an gay son, I lost my total self. I can't find that person anywhere.

[anneo59]

Hello unhappyguy, I hope you have some help or seeking some in some form, and clearly you are here on PC, so that is good! It might be hard for you to believe, but I have known a few other middle age folks, of various genders and sexual persuasions, who've had similar experiences. So know you are not alone! But, the first thing is to take stock of anything or anyone you enjoy, and work on that. If you have problems here, you can try searching your soul. What brings you pleasure??? If you are comfortable with anything or anyone in particular, and you are not hurting yourself or others, why then, ok. I wish I could offer more, but just wanted to encourage you not to give up. I wish you joy, peace, and strength!

Thanks. I have seen so many T's! Finally, I have decided - there will be no more therapy. It has not improved my life significantly. In fact, some have made it worse and just taken my money.

I have come to the conclusion that if you can't have the life that you want - and I can't - then there is no use in really trying further. Being gay does not suit me. All I ever wanted was a boring, average life. Childhood abuse issues and being gay made that impossible and neither can be healed / changed. I do not fit in the LGBT community and am despised by it. I despise it in return. I am very world-weary and bitter and angry, and that only complicates things.

[lynn P.]

I'm sorry you feel so frustrated and conflicted ((unhappyguy)). IMO its better to accept the fact you're gay since you can't change it but realize this isn't easy for you. There has to be some men who also don't fit into the typical lifestyle and want a simple life too. Wish there was a solution for you.

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I'm sorry you feel so frustrated and conflicted ((unhappyguy)). IMO its better to accept the fact you're gay since you can't change it but realize this isn't easy for you. There has to be some men who also don't fit into the typical lifestyle and want a simple life too. Wish there was a solution for you.

Sadly, it's much more complicated than accepting myself. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD which makes making friends difficult. (I'm the non-hyper kind.) The PTSD I suffer from - and apparently had since childhood - makes it difficult to trust others. The severe lack of nurturing as a child (from mom) combined with parental neglect (from dad) make relationships unappealing. So, it's a lot more than being gay. I used to try. Not anymore.

[MarlboroChick]

I dont have too many helpful suggestions for you, but i have some of the same problems, so at least i can commiserate haha.

Instead of looking for love, have you thought about just looking for friendship? It might even lead somewhere. I agree with Lynn, what are some hobbies you like? You could join into social outings. It can be hard meeting people in the city or on day to day life activities unless your a great conversationalist.
I know you said you hate the gay community, but I though id put this out there. Since you say you have a bad reputation, you could try and volunteer in a lgbt community center or something. Youd be more likely to meet someone you liked there, too.
Im sorry about your childhood. My parents are cutthroat strict and when i was little i was never allowed to play or have any fun like other children, and its given me some problems, too. They also condemned me (still do) for being lesbian. And its painful to know that people you looked up to for your entire childhood hate so many parts of you.
About the ADHD, are you on meds for it? When i went on medication for my ADD and bipolar it made some difference in me.
If your problems overwhelm you, youll have to make smaller steps to overcome them, even if its slower.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by MarlboroChick

They also condemned me (still do) for being lesbian.

unhappyguy, how about your parents? Do they know that you are gay?

Sorry, reread the OP - so they did not want a gay son.

And now you are saying that you do not want to be gay - you want a cure which does not exist.

In other words, much as you realize that your parents damaged you, you are in full agreement with them: they did not want you to be gay, and you do not want yourself to be gay.

[shyboomer]

Sorry to hear of your situation, Unhappy guy. I'm not gay, so I can't relate on that level. I can relate to some other things you said. I'll turn 57 next month and I've not only never had a girlfriend, but I've also never had sex. It's the truth. I don't seem to have the tools to do anything about it either. I also have no friends and I'm alone most of the time. I'm not going to disrespect you by offering advice. I didn't notice you asking for any and I don't know what it's like to be in your specific shoes. I can only say that I'm on your side and ask you to please take care.

My p-doc is giving priority to treating the PTSD over the ADHD. I have not been tolerating PTSD meds well and it has been difficult finding the right or best one.

Sadly, as I have gotten older, I have had to give up my athletic hobbies due to chronic injuries. I do some biking and a lot of walking. Getting a steady job would help me with hobbies because then I'd have spending money.

I used to go to the LGBT Center a lot. No more. Too many enemies there. I used to go to 12-step CoDA meetings. Wrong place to try to make friends even though that is one of the goals of the program.

My dad died before I came out thought it was obvious that I was gay at a young age. Maybe that's why he didn't bother much with me and my brothers. Mom was a much bigger problem. She ruins everything she touches and has poor values. She will never change. I pay her a lot of lip service. There is really no relationship there.

There are several physical problems that inhibit me from sexual activity. So, now, sex has become more unappealing. Also, I think that sex is something that I will never really be good at. T's have suggested that I just practice masturbation in relationships. But, that does not really sound like a loving physical relationship.

My longing for a cure is really burnout from trying to be successfully gay for so long. I have been treated horribly both within and outside of the gay community. One of the real problems is that T's find so little to work with in my personality. I'd have to relearn everything and I cannot just be another person. I have gotten awful advice from T's, e.g., "pretend as if." In other words, I should lie to people about who I am. When you're looking for essential acceptance, seeking acceptance by pretending does not work. I have lost total faith in therapy (and also religion). There is no unconditional parental love or sound advice to fall back on. T's don't know how to talk to me and I don't understand what they are talking about to put it into practice. When I have discussed with MD's that if I wanted to make any progress at all in therapy that I would have to be a lifer. They saw no problem with that but, frankly, I was horrified. At this point in my life, no T promises results. And, usually, there are none.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

I'm in my mid-50's but have never been in a serious relationship. On the one hand, I want one; on the other, I do not have the skills and seem to be self-defeating. I don't even have any friends and, frankly, have such a bad record that I am afraid to go out and meet people. It is not fun. I am not a great conversationalist or physically desirable. I am tired of my problems.

...

Also, I need to learn how to have fun. This was not learned in childhood. All I learned was how to follow commands. There is no going back to overcome a childhood without playmates and toys. I was raised to be an adult from the start and have been damaged ever since. I cannot change who I am or my past.

I'm not good at fun either. I feel much in common with what you write. On the other hand, in my 40s things changed for me with respect to connection to other people - I found the love of my life, unexpectedly. Have you ever cared about someone more than yourself? A pet? Have you ever put someone else first? I'm a misanthrope, so I do not buy into the usual people-lover stuff but somehow this created a space for me to grow and see things anew. Maybe you haven't experienced that yet; I don't know.

I don't mean to be rude, but I think you are not so broken you can't grow and change. I don't believe it. How arrogant of me to say that since you know you and I only read a few of your posts. But there are many possible changes and you can't rule them all out, just that what you've tried doesn't work.

Fun - I was a little professor. I scoffed at fun. I am still not good at it, though my husband is brilliant at it. Is there nothing you can get absorbed in? Fun can be anything. You don't need crayons or parties. It could be cameras, arts and sciences, water, business, something in this vast world. I know it's not easy, and so far it's something I am still lousy at, so I do feel your pain, really.

I know you said you're depressed and have ADHD and physical pain. That is quite a pile to overcome with "fun." I would really recommend meditation to you, for gaining insight and some peace and inner strength.