[endoftheworld]

I'm 30 now and although I've had relationships in the past with women, I'm still yet to successfully penetrate a woman. I've done other stuff like mutual masturbation, received handjobs, frottage (naked rubbing) but I have never gone all the way. This has caused me much distress and trauma.

My main concern right now is that I've noticed for a long time I cannot stay hard WITHOUT touching my penis for stimulation. In other words, I have to constantly touch my penis in order to stay excited and reasonably hard. Now this is all in reference to masturbation. I have not been with a woman in a physical sense since my last gf, the relationship which ended back earlier last year (it was horrific, she was a horrible person and treated me like utter crap, cheating on me and disrespecting me in so many ways and without getting into the details here I'm sure it is one reason why I failed to penetrate the few times we did try and have sex).

I notice in order for me to stay reasonably hard I need to keep touching it whilst looking at some stimulating video/pictures. The moment I let go of my penis, it starts getting soft rather quickly. Why is this? I'm worried because I know this should not be happening, right? Should you need CONSTANT stimulation to stay hard? Surely a man like myself (I don't drink, smoke, take drugs, I'm in decent shape, no health issues) should be able to maintain an erection? I realise daily masturbation may not be helping but this is a habit I've had for many years now and so it's hard to suddenly stop. I can barely even put on a condom. I've tried a few times just to test it out and can barely get it on and my penis kinda of goes soft anyway, it's a real struggle.
However I should mention that I am still getting morning erections, even after masturbating twice in a day. And I won't obviously need to touch it for it to remain hard, I wake up and it's already fairly hard.

This is all making me feel so pathetic and useless as a human being. Honestly I wish I had never been born. I mean, I'm 30 years old and I am an impotent virgin....tell me what is worse than that? Even though I am a decent looking guy who is outgoing and friendly, I know this issue simply does not go away. I am constantly plagued by the thought that I still have not penetrated a woman but even more to the point is this thought CAN I ACTUALLY PENETRATE A WOMAN??? This leaves me feeling extremely depressed to the point where I wish I didn't have to wake up for another day of this torture. I feel like this has to be greatest failure of a man. There is surely nothing worse than failing to even get it inside.

Don't tell me about going to see an escort or someone similar. You see I have waited all this time because of my Christian background which has taught me not to have sex before marriage. So this is what I've taken seriously for all my life despite going to other "bases." So you see my dilemma...I'm desperate to experience intercourse just to know I CAN actually do it and to a lesser extent know what it feels like etc. but at the same time I've waited all this time, who am I going to do with for the first time?? It can't just be anyone, it would be such a waste and so the wait will continue. Can you understand my dilemma?
With an escort, I mean I don't think I could actually even get hard because the guilt would overwhelm me. I'd be like "I've waited all these years to lose it to some prostitute ??

[Alone & confused]

Honey you might just not have found the right woman! I don't want to get into too many detail out here in the forum, but there are some tricks ! Not to mention that your values maybe subconsciously preventing you from being aroused the way you desire. NOT THAT THAT'S A BAD THING! In fact, that part is Awesome! I mean, if I want seeing someone & was about 15 years younger...... Anyway I'm just saying, one day it'll happen for you & she'll be worth waiting for!
(I need to go smoke a cigarette now)

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by endoftheworld

I'm 30 now and although I've had relationships in the past with women, I'm still yet to successfully penetrate a woman. I've done other stuff like mutual masturbation, received handjobs, frottage (naked rubbing) but I have never gone all the way. This has caused me much distress and trauma.

My main concern right now is that I've noticed for a long time I cannot stay hard WITHOUT touching my penis for stimulation. In other words, I have to constantly touch my penis in order to stay excited and reasonably hard. Now this is all in reference to masturbation. I have not been with a woman in a physical sense since my last gf, the relationship which ended back earlier last year (it was horrific, she was a horrible person and treated me like utter crap, cheating on me and disrespecting me in so many ways and without getting into the details here I'm sure it is one reason why I failed to penetrate the few times we did try and have sex).

I notice in order for me to stay reasonably hard I need to keep touching it whilst looking at some stimulating video/pictures. The moment I let go of my penis, it starts getting soft rather quickly. Why is this? I'm worried because I know this should not be happening, right? Should you need CONSTANT stimulation to stay hard? Surely a man like myself (I don't drink, smoke, take drugs, I'm in decent shape, no health issues) should be able to maintain an erection? I realise daily masturbation may not be helping but this is a habit I've had for many years now and so it's hard to suddenly stop. I can barely even put on a condom. I've tried a few times just to test it out and can barely get it on and my penis kinda of goes soft anyway, it's a real struggle.
However I should mention that I am still getting morning erections, even after masturbating twice in a day. And I won't obviously need to touch it for it to remain hard, I wake up and it's already fairly hard.

This is all making me feel so pathetic and useless as a human being. Honestly I wish I had never been born. I mean, I'm 30 years old and I am an impotent virgin....tell me what is worse than that? Even though I am a decent looking guy who is outgoing and friendly, I know this issue simply does not go away. I am constantly plagued by the thought that I still have not penetrated a woman but even more to the point is this thought CAN I ACTUALLY PENETRATE A WOMAN??? This leaves me feeling extremely depressed to the point where I wish I didn't have to wake up for another day of this torture. I feel like this has to be greatest failure of a man. There is surely nothing worse than failing to even get it inside.

Don't tell me about going to see an escort or someone similar. You see I have waited all this time because of my Christian background which has taught me not to have sex before marriage. So this is what I've taken seriously for all my life despite going to other "bases." So you see my dilemma...I'm desperate to experience intercourse just to know I CAN actually do it and to a lesser extent know what it feels like etc. but at the same time I've waited all this time, who am I going to do with for the first time?? It can't just be anyone, it would be such a waste and so the wait will continue. Can you understand my dilemma?
With an escort, I mean I don't think I could actually even get hard because the guilt would overwhelm me. I'd be like "I've waited all these years to lose it to some prostitute ??

First you are NOT a failure. You are a good person, this is just an issue that you have to overcome. Have you ever thought about using a cock ring? They can help you keep your erection as they trap some of the blood flow.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

[Marshellette]

Seriously? What if you were blind or something. Go to a doctor, maybe he can write you a prescription for Viagra or something.

[hamster-bamster]

No, please don't use Viagra as the first line of defense. Look up a sexual healer or sex surrogate in your area. If you cannot find one, contact a local sex therapist or certified sex educator for referrals. Such a professional may then suggest some Viagra if in their informed opinion iit's necessary. Good luck - you will be there with some patience. A sex surrogate is not a prostitute.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Marshellette

Seriously? What if you were blind or something.

This is true, but never having had intercourse is a kind of blindness - the erect penis being the eye seeing inside a woman.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, firstly you are NOT a failure, you are NOT pathetic, you are NOT useless whatever happens!!!
Now the fact that you can get an hold morning erections is making me think that it's a bit more psychological than physical. Sure trying to reduce the masturbation might help if you can try it and the cock ring is a great idea but as well........I'm guessing that you've been thinking about this a lot and the stress, anxiety and pretty much expecting it to happen really isn't going to help. I know this may sound next to impossible but maybe try turning your focus on other parts of your life, passions and feeling good just being you and take some of the importance off this a bit.
And perhaps your partners in the past haven't helped, with the last one that's crystal clear but were there any some difficulties in your other "relationships" as well?
Might even be as well that you'd really put way too much pressure on yourself thinking of how you were going to "perform"? Sometimes that can be consciously sometimes less so.
So....for the next relationship, do you think it would help any if you had a deeper attachment, felt a bit more trust, felt "safer" with her. Maybe take things REALLY slowly, not so much worrying as to IF it's going to happen? And you know as a backup that if it doesn't happen the first/next time there's PLENTY of other ways to fulfillment for both of you, and PLENTY of ways to build on!!
Best wishes
Alison

You need to quit masturbation and looking at those pictures. This isn't psychological but physiological.

[endoftheworld]

Thank you for your replies.

I should mention I've had already 4-5 long term relationships along with 3/4 flings/one night "stands" as it were where we went quite far. So, you see I could have slept with at least 9-10 women by now IF it weren't for this whole "I have to wait til marriage" "I want to save intercourse for the special someone." THAT is the reason why I have waited all these years, but as the years have passed and I've got older and now I'm 30, you can understand the disappointment and frustration and sadness at not having met the right woman and still remaining a technical virgin. So I am not totally sexually inexperienced, as I have obviously gone quite far sexually (handjobs, some oral, frottage etc), it's just the intercourse part which has somewhat made me freeze up and think twice and then back out, every time.

I have waited all this time because of my Christian background which has taught me not to have sex before marriage. So this is what I've taken seriously despite going to other "bases." So you see my dilemma...I'm desperate to experience intercourse just to know I CAN actually do it and to a lesser extent know what it feels like etc. but at the same time I've waited all this time, who am I going to do with for the first time?? It can't just be anyone, it would be such a waste and so the wait will continue. Can you understand my dilemma?

[hamster-bamster]

No, I can't understand your dilemma. Do you seriously believe that PIV (penis in vagina) is so different from what you have experienced that you can call yourself a virgin? I mean, PIV is different in that it has the baby making potential. Other than that, it is just one of many types of being sexual with a woman. You need to stop calling yourself a virgin, because you have been sexual with a handful of ladies. You need to stop calling yourself impotent, because you are not. The only truthful depictor of you, from the title of the thread, is that you are 30. Be truthful with yourself (I am starting to sound as if I had come from Pinocchio ) and then you wouldn't be growing a large stiff long nose, but instead will experience the sought after stiffness in the right place at the right time.

Also, Christian dogma is no excuse. You're 30 years old and are responsible for how you think. Don't cite your beliefs - had you truly adhered to them, you would really abstained from sex until marriage. I can't believe that you don't realize that what you yourself dubbed your sexual experience is somehow exempt from being considered sexual and that you still qualify as a virgin, even if modified by "technical". Also, if you do not treat Christian beliefs dogmatically, the way you are, but rather think about what sensible ideas might be behind Christian teachings, you would realize that people who willingly wait until marriage do so not out of a superstitious fear that they would otherwise be damned, and, not because they believe that that will guarantee them a special experience (almost as dogs waiting for treats in an obedience school), but because they genuinely want to share ALL of their first mutual sexual experiences with their spouse. This is called saving yourself for marriage. You have not done it, already, and there is no coming back, unless you think that your future wife - provided that she will be of the save yourself until marriage persuasion, which remains to be seen - will accept that your sexual rendezvous with almost 10 ladies have all been your patiently saving yourself until marriage?

I am not chastising you - from my standpoint, you can do whatever you want. I am trying to show that you li

[hamster-bamster]

To show you that your "logic" is all mired in mud, is foggy, and that what you call your dilemma doesn't exist. You need to face reality, accept it, talk about this reality in terms that are straightforward and not confusing, possibly reassess your religious beliefs in light of your past of non-adherence to their their spirit and rather trying to twist them so that you can view yourself as still adhering to their letter (when you call yourself a technical virgin, you are trying to say that adherence to the letter is enough), possibly ditch your beliefs or, alternatively, commit to waiting for marriage from now on, true to the spirit - meaning that you will stop having sexual encounters until you are wed, and then you will have clarity in your head which certainly wouldn't hurt and may even be beneficial for the subject matter...

Again, I am not chastising you, have no idea which way is right for you, am not saying that you DID or DO anything wrong at all - all I showed is that the way you THINK is faulty. You are the master of your own mind and it is fully in your power to reflect on your experience and describe it truthfully. Unlike PIV, for which you need a woman, speaking truthfully (first and foremost, in your internal thinking) can all be done by you. You aren't impotent!

[punkybrewster6k]

.
...well said hamster. And I would like to repeat....reset your mindset about virginity. You have not been pure or chaste. This erection problem is your own head playing head games with you. Reassess what you believe spiritually. Rededicate your life to the lord or leave your upbringing behind. Either way, your skewed belief of sexual intercoarse/virginity is causing this. Ugg...we are our own enemy sometimes!
Sent from my SCH-S720C using Tapatalk 2

[Frankbtl]

Hi, now I am SERIOUSLY not undermining ANYONE'S religion but there are some Christian's who do engage in sex outside of marriage aren't there??
Which can be based on different interpretations of the Bible, so surely you can still be a Christian and just as devoted and committed to Christianity if you're having sex in a really meaningful and committed relationship can't you????? And by the way I really AM asking there!!
But by the way, you're making 30 sound like it's really old! Fair enough it's not young to have sex for the first time, but it really isn't old (in itself) either. Perhaps a little more focus on finding someone really special in your life and enjoying the real strong feelings/connection going on with that as opposed to having underlying thoughts of am I going to be having/am I going to be able to have sex with her (and REALLY sorry if I'm getting those thoughts wrong there!!).
So let's say, just a suggestion, this may be psychological with all the stress, anxiety, worries, conflicts and it is theoretically possible for you to have sex then maybe time to have a think about your priorities in life? What would mean more to you at the end of the day: looking for someone you can really care about, developing a deeply loving, meaningful relationship where sex MAY come along when the feelings are there OR waiting to get married to someone......worrying about all of this in the meantime (feeling even worse) and then trying for sex when the ring's on her finger, so to speak.
I'm not undermining your values in ANY way, but I'm just throwing in some thoughts as I really would like for you to be able to find some real happiness and a way forward that's feels right for YOU.
Just come back at me if you're disagreeing, happy to try and help you find that.
Alison

[Alone & confused]

I just don't know where to begin! First of all, the word Christian, came from the name Christ. Christian means, follower of Christ. Even His disciples weren't Perfect. If ANY AMONG US WERE perfect, or even CAPABLE of being perfect, He wouldn't have been sent here to begin with. The best any Christian can do is TRY to do the right thing, & ask to be forgiven when they fail. His whole purpose on earth was to bridge the gap between a Holy & loving God, and unholy mankind.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

I just don't know where to begin! First of all, the word Christian, came from the name Christ. Christian means, follower of Christ. Even His disciples weren't Perfect. If ANY AMONG US WERE perfect, or even CAPABLE of being perfect, He wouldn't have been sent here to begin with. The best any Christian can do is TRY to do the right thing, & ask to be forgiven when they fail. His whole purpose on earth was to bridge the gap between a Holy & loving God, and unholy mankind.

I don't see how this is relevant. If OP had been waiting for the day of his wedding, which in his mind was the right thing to do (again, I have no opinion on what is right for OP) and then got drunk and had an oopsie, then what you wrote would have been completely to the point. But the issue is twisted logic and not genuinely striving but at times lapsing. It's a totally different issue.

[hamster-bamster]

Btw saying that you should never have been born is, I am sure, a far worse transgression against your lord than everything you have done sexually - I gather that those familiar with Christian theology better than I am can elaborate.

[endoftheworld]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

No, I can't understand your dilemma. Do you seriously believe that PIV (penis in vagina) is so different from what you have experienced that you can call yourself a virgin? I mean, PIV is different in that it has the baby making potential. Other than that, it is just one of many types of being sexual with a woman. You need to stop calling yourself a virgin, because you have been sexual with a handful of ladies. You need to stop calling yourself impotent, because you are not. The only truthful depictor of you, from the title of the thread, is that you are 30. Be truthful with yourself (I am starting to sound as if I had come from Pinocchio ) and then you wouldn't be growing a large stiff long nose, but instead will experience the sought after stiffness in the right place at the right time.

Also, Christian dogma is no excuse. You're 30 years old and are responsible for how you think. Don't cite your beliefs - had you truly adhered to them, you would really abstained from sex until marriage. I can't believe that you don't realize that what you yourself dubbed your sexual experience is somehow exempt from being considered sexual and that you still qualify as a virgin, even if modified by "technical". Also, if you do not treat Christian beliefs dogmatically, the way you are, but rather think about what sensible ideas might be behind Christian teachings, you would realize that people who willingly wait until marriage do so not out of a superstitious fear that they would otherwise be damned, and, not because they believe that that will guarantee them a special experience (almost as dogs waiting for treats in an obedience school), but because they genuinely want to share ALL of their first mutual sexual experiences with their spouse. This is called saving yourself for marriage. You have not done it, already, and there is no coming back, unless you think that your future wife - provided that she will be of the save yourself until marriage persuasion, which remains to be seen - will accept that your sexual rendezvous with almost 10 ladies have all been your patiently saving yourself until marriage?

I am not chastising you - from my standpoint, you can do whatever you want. I am trying to show that you li

Hamster bamster,

Thank you for your thoughts and feedback. You have given me plenty to think through.

You see, the heart of my issue about this is this whole idea that I haven’t had intercourse. I am so caught up with the actual physical act.

The reason why is because surely actual penetrative sex is technically seen as what “counts” as to losing one’s virginity. So yes it could be argued that just because I haven’t done this, I am only a technical virgin but still a virgin all the same and it is THAT, that bothers me greatly. For some reason due to the warped logic, which I admit I have, I cannot seem to overcome the fact that I have still not inserted my penis into a vagina at the age of 30. Even though I may have had intimate relationships and “flings” or whatever, that FACT seems to plague me and kill me inside on a daily basis. It’s as if I’m basing my entire self worth on my lack of sexual experience. I suppose the fact that I've numerous opportunities to have done it makes things even more intense.

Your version of saving oneself for marriage is infact correct and this is what I intended to do when I started off in my journey around 18/19 (when I first went to university and there were girls, having gone to all boys school all my life). But then with my first gf we ended up doing mild sexual touching so I was already going far. Thing is though as I got older I convinced myself as long as I don’t actually go all the way with these women, then it’s fine going to other “bases” because I would have preserved my technical virginity, because that’s the part that “counts.” I’ve still saved that for my future wife I thought, even though I haven’t exactly been pure in thought, word or deed.

But there does remain a personal dilemma now and it’s what you point out – “possibly ditch your beliefs or, alternatively, commit to waiting for marriage from now on”

That’s the dilemma I’ve been in for so long now. Nothing seems to have changed. I have been in situations where I was literally on the fence after around 26, I figured I had enough of waiting and then had this one fling with a girl and thought ok I’m going to do it only to back out at the last minute.

I can’t continue to have this internal conflict. Clearly I want to have intercourse but at the same time my internal Christian belief is a very strong force that makes me think twice. You can understand that, as it's something I've grown up with and influenced me my whole life. It's not something I can just put to one side and forget about.

[endoftheworld]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I don't see how this is relevant. If OP had been waiting for the day of his wedding, which in his mind was the right thing to do (again, I have no opinion on what is right for OP) and then got drunk and had an oopsie, then what you wrote would have been completely to the point. But the issue is twisted logic and not genuinely striving but at times lapsing. It's a totally different issue.

Again this is kinda of what I'm trying to convey - that the reason why it seems I'm not genuinely striving and trying to stay pure is because there is a part of me that doesn't really want to...because I'm a 30 year old single man with very normal sexual urges! That is the conflict which leads to this dilemma I keep talking about. Just because I say I'm Christian and want to stay pure doesn't mean I don't have those urges...that's why in the bible it encourages men to marry. But obviously things have changed since biblical times and it isn't that easy to find a wife. So in the meantime whilst waiting for her, what am I meant to do...

[punkybrewster6k]

Well I guess you have a big delema now.
Its a conundrum.
Find a good therapist to help you sort through this maybe?

Sent from my SCH-S720C using Tapatalk 2

OP has desensitized his penis by too much masturbation and watching porn. This is nothing to do with his religious background.

The only way to cure this is too abstain from masturbation for a few months and don't use porn and your erections will come back.

[hamster-bamster]

OP, you are right that times are changing. Say, back when women married at 16, it was very easy for them to be virgins. But now many marry in the early 30s, basically twice as old as used to be the case. I am sure you have thought about it, right?

[endoftheworld]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

OP, you are right that times are changing. Say, back when women married at 16, it was very easy for them to be virgins. But now many marry in the early 30s, basically twice as old as used to be the case. I am sure you have thought about it, right?

Of course, what did you think about the other things I said in my response?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by endoftheworld

Of course, what did you think about the other things I said in my response?

I thought that you were still holding on to the concept of technical virginity, so while you are aware of your warped logic, you are not helping the situation, yet. I suggest you take the most radical approach and drop the term "virgin" from your active vocabulary, once and for good, unless you are saying "Virgin Mary" or "virgin land". I certainly don't use it on my own, unless responding to someone who does.

There are several reasons for you to drop that term:

1. It does sound ridiculous when you are referring to a man. What are you, a maiden?
2. It is a historically laden term, when applied to a woman, and is connected to viewing women as chattel.
3. It doesn't have a good, clearcut definition, which is why you found the loophole you call "technical virginity".

There is an epidemiological term that you need to use instead. It doesn't suffer from problems 1-2 above and suffers from problem 3 above to a much lesser extent.

The term is "sexual debut". When epidemiological studies of sexual behavior in a population are done, they speak of the age of sexual debut. So tell us, please - have you have your sexual debut yet?

[hamster-bamster]

Ok, here goes:

WHEREAS your situation has been causing you extreme anxiety and has even led you to verbalize quasi-suicidal ideation;

WHEREAS I can reasonably expect that if you retain the status quo, you will continue to suffer from above and your suffering might increase, leading to your being completely dejected and unable to function;
WHEREAS it is clear that if you continue with the status quo, you, due to the above, may become so miserable that you won't be able to find a wife, or, if you succeed in acquiring a fiancee, your anxiety regarding the upcoming first night will ruin the festivities of the wedding for you and most likely result in a self-fulfilling prophecy in that you would be unable to penetrate your new wife vaginally, causing extreme grief to yourself and disappointment to your wife
WHEREAS your future wife's interest in not being disappointed in her husband's ability to penetrate her vaginally and eventually father her children seems to far exceed her potential interest in having a husband who, having long become sexually active with a number of women in a variety of ways but who happens to consider himself a virgin, technically speaking due to not having had PIV,

Be it therefore ORDERED and DECREED that you are to engage in PIV, using a condom, at the first opportunity that presents itself.

Let us know how it goes!