[growlithing]

I am so tired of being a virgin. I'm so tired of never having anything even remotely close to a sexual encounter. I've never been kissed. Never even hit on. This makes me feel undesirable. But on a physical level, I want to have sex so badly it can be painful. I think about it all the time and yet I am beyond terrified of sex.

I know I need to be patient and work through my issues regarding intimacy first. But it's not like I could move too fast and not wait to be healthy because I'm so scared of it that I can't even talk to men out of fear that something sexual might happen.

I'm just so painfully frustrated and I want someone to want me. I don't know how to combat this. It makes me feel so lonely and useless.

[RTerroni]

I sort of know where you are coming from, I thought for a long time that sex was something that I really wanted, although afterwards I realized that I didn't really care for it and started considering myself to be Asexual. I'm not saying that is the case though with you but I can understand your sexual desires very well.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I sort of know where you are coming from, I thought for a long time that sex was something that I really wanted, although afterwards I realized that I didn't really care for it and started considering myself to be Asexual. I'm not saying that is the case though with you but I can understand your sexual desires very well.

Definitely not asexual. I am quite sexual. I have so much sexual desire and I masturbate 4-7 times a week. I'm not saying that asexual people don't masturbate. I'm saying that I definitely have sexual desires and urges. My problem is that I'm still very much so struggling with past CSA and I'm terrified of sex but I want it so badly.

[LiteraryLark]

I am in the same boat. I'm 21 and even though I've dated and had opportunities to have sex, I just didn't feel right about it. I hate being a virgin. I'm incredibly kinky and sexually frustrated. I know my fantasies are getting worse because of the lack of intimacy. I want to lose it by the end of the year but I want to be in love when I have sex and I've never truly been in love with anyone attainable.

Virgin Club woo....

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Definitely not asexual. I am quite sexual. I have so much sexual desire and I masturbate 4-7 times a week. I'm not saying that asexual people don't masturbate. I'm saying that I definitely have sexual desires and urges. My problem is that I'm still very much so struggling with past CSA and I'm terrified of sex but I want it so badly.

I actually do Masturbate on a fairly regular basis but I still consider myself Asexual, many Asexuals do regularly Masturbate.

However it looks like you are more in the sexual realm.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by DrSkipper

I am in the same boat. I'm 21 and even though I've dated and had opportunities to have sex, I just didn't feel right about it. I hate being a virgin. I'm incredibly kinky and sexually frustrated. I know my fantasies are getting worse because of the lack of intimacy. I want to lose it by the end of the year but I want to be in love when I have sex and I've never truly been in love with anyone attainable.

Virgin Club woo....

I don't really think that there is anything bad about a fantasy. I don't think that not having sex can make these fantasies "worse" because even if you are fantasizing about something that would be horrible in reality, so long as you don't act on it, it's fine.

I've never dated and never had an opportunity to lose it. I don't have a goal time to lose it though because physically, I'd like to lose it right now with anyone mildly attractive but emotionally, I'm so scared of sex that I do things to deliberately make myself undesirable like completely neglect my appearance and be purposely cold and unflirty with men I find attractive. And it's so difficult because I'm working against myself.

I actually do this in a lot of areas of my life. I am working on a piece of music that frightens me. I'm scared of it, so I avoid practicing it but when I do practice it, I get pissed at myself for not being able to play it. I'm demanding an extremely high output for the absolute minimum amount of effort and getting annoyed when I can't do what I haven't prepared myself to do. It's the exact same thing sexually except that I can't get myself to roll out of bed every morning, look at guys and tell myself that I'm not afraid of them and that it is okay to mess up with them because I have to mess up in order to be successful... because I am genuinely afraid of them and afraid of being "successful" meaning obtaining sex and/or love. I'm not actually afraid of being able to play this piece of music. I'm afraid that I can't play it and even if I can't ever play it (which I will be able to), I can still have a full and healthy life. Hell I can still have a full and healthy music career. But without ever having sex... I don't think I can have a full and healthy life because that would mean being at peace with my virginity and having a sex drive that makes that possible.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I don't really think that there is anything bad about a fantasy. I don't think that not having sex can make these fantasies "worse" because even if you are fantasizing about something that would be horrible in reality, so long as you don't act on it, it's fine.

My fantasies are getting progressively more taboo. My current fantasy involves caning, but I can't expect to cane someone in real life. I don't expect to do most of the things I fantasize about in real life, and this frustrates me because I do want to live out my fantasies.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by DrSkipper

My fantasies are getting progressively more taboo. My current fantasy involves caning, but I can't expect to cane someone in real life. I don't expect to do most of the things I fantasize about in real life, and this frustrates me because I do want to live out my fantasies.

There are people out there who are into that I think

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by growlithing

There are people out there who are into that I think

Yes but it's pretty rare. Although, most people I've dated during college have been somewhat into kink in various degrees.

[growlithing]

Sometimes, it really doesn't bother me that I've never had anything remotely sexual with another person happen in my life (...uh consensually) and other times it makes me feel horrible and less than human. There are just so many things that I haven't experienced that most people my age have and they are all out talking about their exes and marriage and kids and I haven't had my first kiss yet. Why? It's because I'm fat. I was so overweight in my early teens that I missed out on doing things that almost everyone else got to do and I hate myself for it. I've lost a ton of weight but now it's too late for me because I'd need a guy to be patient with me and go at the pace that people go when they first start dating and I don't know.
Who would want a completely inexperienced girlfriend at my age? I don't have any experience what so ever and I'm sick of feeling completely undesirable.

I just wish I had history with someone. Just something to look back on and remember I had. Even if it hurt me. I just don't want to feel like a little girl anymore and people say that girls can always get it and it's just so not true. Guys used to ask me out as a joke. They used to embarrass each other by chasing me down in the hallway and saying their buddy had a crush on me when it was very clear that they just wanted to embarrass their friend so they picked out the least desirable person in the hallway. The only person who ever wanted me sexually was my ****ing father and why would anyone want me after he ruined me?

My T tells me that I really need to not get in a relationship or have sex right now because I can't see my body having any value outside of sexual purposes and if I were sexually active now, I'd risk losing myself in sex. I agree. It's just really hard being 20 years old and listening to everyone talk about sex while I wonder what it feels like to be kissed or what a **** feels like just to touch.

Originally Posted by growlithing

Who would want a completely inexperienced girlfriend at my age? I don't have any experience what so ever and I'm sick of feeling completely undesirable.

Someone who genuinely loves and cares about you will not care. At all. My current boyfriend had no sexual or dating experience before we got together, in contrast to me. He had never even held a girl's hand, and was a 22-y-old virgin. So what? It has never been an issue for us. The "right" people will happily walk through all the steps with you. My boyfriend's "fumbling" when he was trying to figure out how to kiss was so much more intimate than "serious" things I've done with others. Heck, because I care about him, I thought it was adorable -- something I never felt for more "attractive" and "experienced" guys when they struggled in bed.

When you're with someone you care about, sex is less about sex itself, and more about enjoying each other's company (and expressing that). I send you my very best wishes, and hope that you feel better soon.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by psychehedone

Someone who genuinely loves and cares about you will not care. At all. My current boyfriend had no sexual or dating experience before we got together, in contrast to me. He had never even held a girl's hand, and was a 22-y-old virgin. So what? It has never been an issue for us. The "right" people will happily walk through all the steps with you. My boyfriend's "fumbling" when he was trying to figure out how to kiss was so much more intimate than "serious" things I've done with others. Heck, because I care about him, I thought it was adorable -- something I never felt for more "attractive" and "experienced" guys when they struggled in bed.

When you're with someone you care about, sex is less about sex itself, and more about enjoying each other's company (and expressing that). I send you my very best wishes, and hope that you feel better soon.

I've never held a guy's hand.

Forgive my blatant sexism, but it is very hard for me to believe that a guy would be okay with that. Yeah a girl might but idk. I know I'm not correct when I say that but it's just how I feel

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I've never held a guy's hand.

Forgive my blatant sexism, but it is very hard for me to believe that a guy would be okay with that. Yeah a girl might but idk. I know I'm not correct when I say that but it's just how I feel

I'm sure you're feelings are thoroughly based on your experiences and therefore, aren't invalid in the least.

If I can reword what everyone has said, it's not really about you, but the men you've met. You're negative self image is based on the poor interactions you've had and that's not your fault, but the fault of the men. They were likely shallow and self-absorbed, not really anyone you wanted to be with anyway.

A genuine man will see you for the beautiful woman you are and your virginity wouldn't be the slightest issue. The reason I say this is because ... I'll tell you a secret ...

I was a virgin when my wife and I met. I didn't know jack, but I sure surprised her because I focused on her and made her feel wonderful.

So what I'm saying is that you'll make a wonderful partner for whoever you find and he'll be very lucky to have you in his life. Now it's all of matter of figuring out which rock to turn over to find him ...

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

I'm sure you're feelings are thoroughly based on your experiences and therefore, aren't invalid in the least.


If I can reword what everyone has said, it's not really about you, but the men you've met. You're negative self image is based on the poor interactions you've had and that's not your fault, but the fault of the men. They were likely shallow and self-absorbed, not really anyone you wanted to be with anyway.


A genuine man will see you for the beautiful woman you are and your virginity wouldn't be the slightest issue. The reason I say this is because ... I'll tell you a secret ...


I was a virgin when my wife and I met. I didn't know jack, but I sure surprised her because I focused on her and made her feel wonderful.


So what I'm saying is that you'll make a wonderful partner for whoever you find and he'll be very lucky to have you in his life. Now it's all of matter of figuring out which rock to turn over to find him ...

Well, my past "romantic experience" with men has been that they all were unavailable. They were all already dating someone and I either didn't know that and I found out or I knew that and didn't pursue anything. Remember these were just crushes and none of them went anywhere because he didn't like me back and I never pursued him once I knew he was in a relationship.

My other experience with men is that they are all gay. No joke. I go to music school and more often than not, the men are gay and I naturally just assume that guys are gay and it is actually weird for me to think that most men are actually straight outside of my school. I'm probably in need of a paradigm shift there.

Then I have this thing I do where I see a guy who is cute and might be straight and I immediately start ripping him down in my head and noticing his flaws to make myself not like him to protect myself or something.

My other experience with guys is my father. Not a good experience. At all.
My negative image of men is from him and really only him. Maybe a little bit from the boys who teased me in middle school and high school. But mostly him.

Originally Posted by growlithing

Forgive my blatant sexism, but it is very hard for me to believe that a guy would be okay with that. Yeah a girl might but idk. I know I'm not correct when I say that but it's just how I feel

No, I don't think you're being blatantly sexist, since your ideas are rooted in (i) your experiences with men, and/or (ii) social trends. That's ok. I'd never kissed anyone before I met my second boyfriend when I was 19 (he'd been in three relationships, and had a LOT more experience than I did). It wasn't an issue for us actually -- we never had sex, but he was very patient and caring, waited while I figured out kissing, etc. Yes, I agree that some men -- and even some women -- might not be ok about having an inexperienced partner. However, I really do think that people who are worth your time won't care, and the "sex" will be secondary to genuine intimacy (of course, sex can be an expression of genuine intimacy. I think you get what I mean).

[velcro003]

growli, i am a 33 year old virgin, fyi. i have VERY little experience with men. i did have a few boyfriends in High School, and so i do have some experience. When i graduated college, i felt so abnormal, like no guy will want to date a girl with no experience, esp at that age. i was wrong. a guy that i had been friends with for a few years admitted to me that he had liked me for years. i dated him for a few months, and he was truly 100% ok with me taking it as slow as i wanted. the problem was that i had so much anxiety at the end of our dates "i bet this is the time he'll want sex. what will happen tonight?" that i eventually broke up with him. The thing is, that was ALL on me. We spoke after we broke up, and he said that he felt bad because he would NEVER have pushed anything on me (and he never did, but my anxiety was too much), and he would have waited as long as needed.

My long-winded point here is that there are guys like him out there. I've known a lot of super nice guys in my years, that probably would be like the dude i dated. They are out there.

[hamster-bamster]

Well... you play music, so you probably have musician friends - why cannot you get a boyfriend from among them? One of my early boyfriends and, now that I have taken inventory, one of the people who have exerted most positive influence on me, although I appreciated it years after he died, was a musician. I also had friends among musicians, and a fling with German composer, but I had him dry hump me because he was not at the level at which I would actually have sex with a guy. At any rate, musicians are great for first boyfriends; much recommended, without reservations.

[hamster-bamster]

PS You need a guy who wants you badly, and then the lack of experience would not matter. Nothing matters when a guy wants you badly. That is what makes sex different from jobsearch - in jobsearch, experience matters, but in sex, as long as you are being oh so desirable... experience or no experience, no difference.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Never even hit on. This makes me feel undesirable.

I have just found a note some boy wrote to my older daughter for her birthday. I do not know which birthday, but since she moved out of this apartment when she was 14, it must have been on the 14th birthday or earlier. The boy's writing is quite good and creative. He made an Acrostic - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia out of her name exalting her various qualities (including "drop dead gorgeous", which she is, knock on wood, and "smoking hot", which she is as well, knock on wood as well, but also mentioning very many qualities unrelated to appearance). The boy wished her a happy birthday, reflected on the value their friendship had for him, and in a P.S. said that he just wanted her to be happy.

So that is high quality male interest.

Being hit on is not a good thing. It is not a bad thing, either - it is just noise, scum that is sometimes unavoidable, but not a good thing. "to hit on a girl" means to use some idiotic pick-up lines etc. I cannot remember most of the instances of being hit on precisely because these pick up lines are so dumb, generic, and thus unmemorable.

I would say this - being hit on is neutral and you should not engage with people who hit on you. Just smile but do not engage.

High quality male interest is worth responding to. High quality male interest does not necessarily mean that the man is high quality, but at least it is worth looking into the man who displays high quality male interest, and for a fling he may be good enough.

Age-wise, you could have been my daughter (my son is 21) so I am explaining that to you. My own mother did not explain that to me - she is dead now and I cannot discuss it with her, but recalling her, she was more of the "male interest is a good thing" persuasion, and I am by now picky and recommend that you start off being picky from the get go. Being hit on is noise and scum and neutral, so that you have not been hit on is NOT a negative thing - it is a neutral thing. Neither here nor there.

More bothersome is that you have not generated any high quality male interest. Probably your fear of men is written all across your face and that scares off potential suitors. Fear can also translate into constricted posture, lack of a confident gait, and a whole gamut of non-verbal signals that put people off.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Well... you play music, so you probably have musician friends - why cannot you get a boyfriend from among them? One of my early boyfriends and, now that I have taken inventory, one of the people who have exerted most positive influence on me, although I appreciated it years after he died, was a musician. I also had friends among musicians, and a fling with German composer, but I had him dry hump me because he was not at the level at which I would actually have sex with a guy. At any rate, musicians are great for first boyfriends; much recommended, without reservations.

Sorry, I did not notice that most of them are gay. Gay as in fully gay or a little be bi?