[TishaBuv]

Sex has grown to trigger humiliation in me after years of discord with my h. I just can't do it anymore.

I'm only 52, but I just want it to be over. What a sad way to end. I'm shut down.

I was happier when I slept with my baby blanket and pretended it was my bf. The fantasy was so satisfying even though it was my own hand.

Great orgasm's are like winning a satisfying game. If you both win; it's great, everyone is excited for the next game. Some season's, only one person wins, when it's the same person over and over the game is no longer fun. Sometimes men make better lovers when they are high. That might break the ice. Please don't feel bad when you don't get there. Sometimes I can tell when it's not going to happen and it's not because of H. If I was doing it for myself it still might not even happen. And when I am taking less antianxiety meds, it happens more easily/more often. It's ok to be selfish and get more time than him--part of it is just accepting it/being willing to indulge yourself only/selfishly every once in a while for what seems like a long, long time.....

Perhaps you are like the batter who has strike out for the longest time, now just stepping up to the plate is making you anxious....?

[unaluna]

If only i didnt have such a tiny elusive slippery little bat!

[TishaBuv]

I thought we were supposed to bond and satisfy each other. I was warm and cuddly, and wanted to be loved. Was I naive to think that's what marriage would be?

But right away, he got consumed with his stressful job. He was too angry and didn't have that playfulness that I thought he would have. He would just go to sleep, stressed out.

Then started me finding fault with him in bed. That was the fatal mistake.

Then we got into the pattern of neglect, fighting, then make up sex.

Then I stopped letting this happen any more.

We had a few good weeks before our anniversary. Magically, all was fine. But then it all turned to hell now.

Tonight he came home and we yelled at each other. I cried. Then we watched TV and he went to bed.

Maybe nothing will change. Maybe it will change soon. IDK

[unaluna]

Have you heard about that thing where a couple agrees to do it (or at least something!) every night for like a month? Speaking as a lonely old divorcee, if i had a man in my house, he'd have to lock me out!

[Artchic528]

It sounds like you need to separate yourself from him and find a partner who isn't going to demean and humiliate you. Maybe it's time to see a personal therapist again. Not a couples therapist, or a family doctor or anything like that. I recommend you see a personal therapist who deals specifically with OCD and Somatic disorders.

[TishaBuv]

I can't believe how crazy this all was and still is! Looking back on the whole thing blows my mind.

I really thought marrying him was going to be fine.

Somehow I managed to have and raise three great kids and loved doing that even throughout this nightmare sexual/emotional experience.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Have you heard about that thing where a couple agrees to do it (or at least something!) every night for like a month? Speaking as a lonely old divorcee, if i had a man in my house, he'd have to lock me out!

We tried to just do it a long time ago. It didn't work. Yes, he gets erect when the wind blows, no problem with that. The problem is me. I can't get turned on by him without him actively turning me on. Just looking at him doesn't do it. He is a good looking guy, too!

Like a prostitute, I have gotten myself high and fantasized in order to seduce him. Isn't that sad? Now, I just can't stand to do that anymore. Maybe I should just go back to that. I am an old wh*re.

[TishaBuv]

I only wanted sex to be passionate and satisfying. I'm not a particularly kinky person or S&M.

How did this all go so wrong?

We're just sexually incompatible. Two Subs, like my BDSM friend says.

[yagr]

I'm sorry that you're going through this TishaBuv. I'm on the other end of the gender divide but we have waaaay more in common than I thought.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Like a prostitute, I have gotten myself high and fantasized in order to seduce him. Isn't that sad? Now, I just can't stand to do that anymore. Maybe I should just go back to that. I am an old wh*re.

That isn't sad that was a really sweet thing to do. Now it's his turn! Perhaps you can't stand doing it because he is not willing to go to the same lengths you are.

Don't go back to performing in this way until you are feeling love for him emotionally. Divorce is harder for us than people realize. Each of us love our husbands in different ways. They know we are willing to put up with a lot but the minute we start making any serious plans to leave they know exactly which buttons to push in order to woo us back.

This year, my H actually said, "You are never going to leave me--you need me to much." Yes, he has my number figured out! I would not know how to function. It would feel like I felt when I left home after graduating from high school plus I would miss him. We have so much stuff now. When you are 18, everything you have/want fits easily in your car. There is no home to dispose of. We have become accustomed to our daily routine and the division of labor that we have totally worked out.....

[TishaBuv]

I think I had a totally healthy attitude about married sex. I thought it was supposed to be that each of us were responsible for the other's good sexual experience, and were to meet each other's needs, and feel good. I was totally on board with that.

It was him who was all about deprivation.

[unaluna]

The magazines say that we are responsible for our own good sexual experience. Maybe you are leaving too much in his hands, so to speak. He's just the bicycle - you need to know how to ride a bicycle, KWIM?

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by unaluna

The magazines say that we are responsible for our own good sexual experience. Maybe you are leaving too much in his hands, so to speak. He's just the bicycle - you need to know how to ride a bicycle, KWIM?

That's the thing. What I need to enjoy my own sexual experience puts it all in my head. If I put it in my own hands (literally) it feels weird sometimes (he's watching me do it). Meh. Sometimes, it's a joint effort and that's fine.

It's where my mind needs to go that upsets me, as he is not the one who engages my mind in the beginning of the act, in the initiation of the act. Does this all come from my early experiences of a rape and low self esteem? Do I have a kinky quirk my h just can't fulfill? Why am I needing to go to another place? Why do I have an out of body experience? Why do I need to get high? I was hurting myself. I think I've done liver damage.

[unaluna]

Is this the first time youve mentioned the rape? I dont recall you ever saying anything before. Did you get therapy at the time? Did you talk about it when you were in counseling recently? It kind of explains your drinking (before sex) and your other remarks. Sort of a cavalier attitude. I can identify with that - we're abused, and there is no allowance for our feelings, so we act tough, but are really very fragile. And yeah, how can your husband never have picked up on that? But hes not a shrink.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Is this the first time youve mentioned the rape? I dont recall you ever saying anything before. Did you get therapy at the time? Did you talk about it when you were in counseling recently? It kind of explains your drinking (before sex) and your other remarks. Sort of a cavalier attitude. I can identify with that - we're abused, and there is no allowance for our feelings, so we act tough, but are really very fragile. And yeah, how can your husband never have picked up on that? But hes not a shrink.

I was a rather prude girl, yet still boy crazy. At 16, and a virgin, I went on my first car date with an older brother of an acquaintance from school. She had set up the date, said he liked me having met me once at her house for one minute. I went, not even liking him.

I didn't understand what happened and many years later realized he must have drugged me.

I didn't even tell my mother at the time. I never saw the guy again, never told anyone except my bff.

I didn't think this really even bothered me all lthat much. Frankly, I felt I was glad to be rid of my virginity. Although I was perplexed why I had sex with a guy I had absolutely no attraction and had zero desire to have even a kiss with.

I didn't think about this until I started having real problems with my h and going to counseling.

And the therapists reactions when hearing this story was just to say "I figured so".

[TishaBuv]

I grew up in a chic place where I knew women who were mistresses and gold diggers. I grew up in a night club where my step dad was the house band. This all made a big impression, too.

[unaluna]

Have you ever had a more feminist, not necessarily female, therapist? Again, your last statement in the longer post seems like youre leaving the subject in their hands. Why are you so passive on your own behalf? I mean, i know why - you need someone in your corner! Thats what i found with my current t. I didnt even know i was lacking it.

Well, i kinda did. I remember telling him when i first started seeing him, that the reason i never pursued a certain career goal was because i never had someone to support me, and i didnt mean financially. But it was still a vague concept to me.

I think i get you about the nightclub. My mother worked as a waitress (clothes on) at a topless place, and she actually brought me in for an interview. I think she was trying to pimp me out. But i was innocent! Idk wtf she was thinking.

You seem to rush through your t experiences, from what ive read here.

[TishaBuv]

Yes, I do rush through it! I'll blurt out my stuff in t, like I do here, then get a blank stare from the t.

When weird/bad things happened in my life, my mother taught me to just move on like nothing happened. I wasn't allowed to feel.

Yes, some of this struggle with h is about that I am trying to force him to treat me as though I have value and I am allowed to feel.

Thanks, Una!

[TishaBuv]

My aunt is a total feminist. She wasn't a good role model for me and my sisters. Just recently, I gave her a what-for because she never intervened. She never helped my mother see things more clearly and be more independent when she was so lost after my father died. And she never helped us girls. She says she was just trying to keep her head above water, too. Also, confused about smart choices. Made bad financial decisions.

I remember asking my mom and step dad, how do you change a flat tire. And it was my step dad, I think, who said "You hike up your skirt and wave, that's how you change a tire." It always worked, too, dang it.