Advice from both genders

I've posted a few times about my sex life with bf, about how it was hot and heavy in the beginning and then started to dwindle. I had gotten to a place where I accepted it and was happy when I got it. Well now there's a new problem. On new years eve, when we kissed at midnight, he kept kissing me. We were on the couch and the way he was sitting, it kind of "squished" things. He has his feet up on on the coffee table. Anyway, he lost his erection becuase of it, and we were unsuccessful that night. Then a week later he stayed the night, and he couldn't get an erection, and he said he was afraid that would happen. Its like he had it in his head because it had happened the week prior.

Nothing has happened since then. I don't even bother trying anymore. Sometimes I try little sexual comments in conversation but he never reciprocates.

I feel like I've totally switched roles, because in the past I never wanted it, and I hated feeling forced by my partners, so I don't push the issue. It just sucks though. Everything else about our relationship is awesome. And now I enjoy sex and he never wants it. We move in together next month.....maybe that will make a difference?

Guys? Tips? Suggestions? Ideas?

Gals? Have you been where I'm at? What did you do about it?

Ray I am not sure what advice to give you... but, has this ED thing been happening for a while maybe with him and he just hasn't said anything? Could that have been why things were dwindling? Maybe he has a fear which is compounding on fear, if that makes sense? Has he been checked out by the doc to make sure no problems? At his age, he should be getting his "bits" checked every so often.

i think its something psychological. he may be fearing he will loose his erection, and his fear its making it happen for real. try maybe reassure him when u're intimate. make him comfortable. i think he might has lost his confidence.

There weren't any ED problems before that I'm aware of. He recently had his 40 year old check up. Thats when the problems really started, when he got closer to 40 and then hit 40. I think its all in his head. But that doesn't help me any. I want his touch.....

Ray, would he ever agree to see a therapist that specialized in this sort of thing? Maybe even if for the two of you to asses what is going on?

I'm sorry, I don't have many good answers But i do offer you some (((hugs))

well kind of have that issue. the only thing different is my hubby can get an erection. it is just few and far between the sex. he enjoys it when we do but like I said. few and far between. I think at 40 though alot of guys go thru small periods of feeling old. they doubt themselves and if they have an erection that goes away for no apparent reason it kills their confidence. try some sexy music and lingerie. you know the full monty for a night.

I would suggest that you talk to your bf about the erection problem he is having as to set him at ease and try to lessen his inner fears of not getting there........ for it seems to me that it is his fear of not being able to perform "as the man" that is causing this real life problem for your bf.

Try and find out what happened to create this fear in your bf.

I would touch, kiss, backrub, etc. without any expectations except that you get those things in return. Just being sensual might help with the sexual. My husband and I have several rituals like my standing on a single step which makes us the "right" height so we fit together well. So, when one of us "sees" a single step they do a smiley dance thing and go stand on it (me) or go stand near it with a goofy grin on his face (him :-) things like that. If you want him to touch you, touch him; backrubs, stray pats on the thigh when he's driving, etc.

Very good suggestions all, thank you. I really do think its in his head. Its not like he doesn't touch me, he constantly holds my hand and stuff. I meant the TOUCH. My hormones just start to rage and I want him. A lot of it is circumstantial too, on top of the recent issue. Either he's tired or I'm tired, or one of is sick etc. I'm hoping the problem will resolve when we live together. Its not a huge issue.....he treats me like a queen.....I just miss the sexual intimacy. But there's plenty of romantic intimacy, so I can't complain there.

Before jumping into living together and marriage you might want to consider some couples therapy. Because his problems may continue or worsen and then what? Will you be truly happy if it does? It doesn't sound like it. It can be something simple, it could be something serious. He should address it without being embarassed. It's more common than common.

Best Of Luck*

OcEaN

I ummmm, well, I have not much experience, but I have a question...When did y'all decide to move in together?? Maybe he is anxious at the countdown time and doesn't know how to talk about it??? It is just an idea...sorry if I am way off base...

For a hint, buy some of the intimate tingley or warming gel...mogs suprised me with some, but he fell in love with it and LOVES the way it feels...anyway, talking is better than feeling snubbed or unsexy when rebuffed by not getting any. I hope it all works out...If you don't know how to bring it up, a private corner at a restaurant where you are on 'nuetral' ground will help tremendously...if you cant talk...like me...too shy about things like that...i tell moggles i want to talk and i lay my head on his shoulder and we turn out the lights and i can tell him anything...he cant see my face and yet i am reassured by his arm around me...even though right now he is trying to do the 'wave' with his belly saying it is same as crunches...lol

hope for the best...melanie

I think that quite often there can be this immense pressure on guys to 'perform'. It is like we forget about enjoying the journey for its own sake and think that it is goal directed towards the guy ejaculating. If that happens then sex is a success, and if it doesn't then it is a failure.

Sometimes the way around the psychological road block can be to rediscover enjoyment in sexual activity without it being goal directed. Does he like watching you masterbate? Or would he enjoy stimulating you manually or orally or whatever?

Taking the pressure to perform off can make it a whole heap more enjoyable at any rate...

take a look at this and see if it might help.

http://www.4-men.org/sexual-performa...e-anxiety.html

Thank you so much everyone!!! Great article Bee!

I've gotten some insight after reading here and when we hung out last night. He's nervous about the move! He didn't say it so many words, well he said he's stressed about getting everything packed. Which I had to hold back my laughing, because he could pack his place in a day....I have so much stuff and I haven't even started lol. We've known the move was a definite in October, when we talked to my apartments about moving into a two bedroom. We started talking about eventually moving in together when we first fell in love. Its just so close now that I know thats a big part of it.

Plus, he just started an intensive year school for a masters in psychology. Thats a huge change. Plus, I just started working, thats a huge change. Plus, his office is also moving offices the same time we move in together. Plus, he already has an anxiety disorder. Plus, he already has confidence issues. So......there's a LOT to consider here.

He hasn't lived with a girlfriend either. His last relationship that was serious, they were engaged but hadn't moved in together yet. Then she moved to Pheonix and they tried a long distance thing. Then she broke up with him. He was married a long time ago, and thats the last woman he lived with. That was over ten years ago.

So there's a lot to consider! He's been different though, in the way he kisses me....when he leaves he gives me a long deep kiss and holds me tight. So I have no doubts for the way he feels about me, I just have to look at the big picture, all the changes, the big step we're taking. We're both nervous of course, but very excited as well.

So I think this little snag in our sex life is pretty easily understood now, now that I've posted it and your replies have helped me look at our lives and see what might be causing it.

I love him, no matter what, no matter how often we have sex. If things don't get better in that arena after we move in, I'll think about suggesting counceling. Until then I'll be supportive, and I plan on asking him if there's anything he wants to talk about before the move, if there's anything I can do to reduce the stress.

Thank you all for helping in my journey. I'm about to embark on an adventure!


Rayna

PS - Men, if you have any insight but don't feel comfortable sharing in public, a pm is welcomed.

I am glad you have new insight hon! it sure makes a difference doesn't it? glad you could use the link!

Well, hell, I was gonna talk, but you all got it worked out

Actually, I just found it today...

Yup, I found the thread too late to be helpful too.

Glad things are getting sorted.

Cyran0