My self-esteem just took a hit here

I'd like to see a happier me too, I'd like to see a happier everybody. I am on meds and I am in therapy and I am discussing my feelings with her, but I haven't been in therapy very long so changes aren't going to happen overnight. I know I'm difficult and that's very hurtful, trying and frustrating to everybody. I don't do it on purpose, although it may appear that way. My thinking is really distorted, I have no self-esteem, I have a hard time believing that anybody likes/loves me because I'm not used to that. I'm extremely sensitive. My rapid-cycling takes a toll on me and my depressive cycles are overpowering me. I think about ending it every single day and that scares the hell out of me. I don't want to really die but I desperately want the pain to stop. And yes, I've told my GP, T and pdoc that too. I don't think I'm saying anything that you don't know about me already and I know it just sounds like a bunch of excuses. I don't mean it to. I don't blame you for not feeling comfortable communicating with me, not knowing how I'll respond. All I can offer is my apologies and I have but I'll say it again, I'M SORRY, I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY!!! Quite frankly, I've already said in another thread here, I have so much stuff to work on to undo what my past has done to me, that I really don't know where to start. I just don't know what to say or do, other than to say that I'm trying and I'll try harder. I just hope that y'all won't give up on me.

AG, seems to me I've suggested on several different occasions that you need to start by controlling your mood swings. Until then, trying to work on anything else is just added pressure to you. You may believe the positive you absorb while you're on the upswing, but it all goes down the tubes when your mood hits bottom.

About all you need to get a firm grasp on right now is to know there is a way to control your moods and that you CAN accomplish it. Work as hard as you can on that and leave the rest alone until you are more stable emotionally.

I haven't checked and neither do I know what your dx is, but more than likely, people that have the same dx as you could give you better support than those of us here in this forum.

I'm with Pat. It's really difficult to know what kind of help you need or what we can say to help. Nothing seems to work.

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I know nobody said it, it's how I feel.

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I know I've said it before and I'll say it one more time: FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS. You need to STOP, THINK, before you ACT.

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AG, seems to me I've suggested on several different occasions that you need to start by controlling your mood swings. Until then, trying to work on anything else is just added pressure to you. You may believe the positive you absorb while you're on the upswing, but it all goes down the tubes when your mood hits bottom.

About all you need to get a firm grasp on right now is to know there is a way to control your moods and that you CAN accomplish it. Work as hard as you can on that and leave the rest alone until you are more stable emotionally.

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You're right but I was thinking that if I could improve my self-esteem, maybe in time things wouldn't fall apart when I'm in a depressed mood? Also, I don't know how to control my moods.

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I haven't checked and neither do I know what your dx is, but more than likely, people that have the same dx as you could give you better support than those of us here in this forum.

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I would but nobody will talk to me anymore in that forum unless I specifically ask a friend to look at my thread.

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I'm with Pat. It's really difficult to know what kind of help you need or what we can say to help. Nothing seems to work.

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I think you hit the nail on the head here, Lmo. But as someone who is also highly sensitive, I think I detect a perjorative in your post. And as a highly sensitive person, it touches a nerve in me. Being sensitive is neither a characher failing nor a weakness. It's actually a gift. But being highly sensitive does cause folks like us to react to things differently and more intensely than those who are not highly sensitive. Thus, we often get told we are "making mountains out of molehills. Well, they ARE molehills to us. And telling us they are not does not feel helpful and does not validate what we are feeling inside.

I've seen lots of supportive posts to AG. Um, I'm not sure I would count your recent post as one of them. You sound quite frustrated. Perhaps some of the difficulty you feel in trying to help is difficulty in understanding her high sensitivity? I can tell you from my own experience, it's not something that's going to toughen up. It's actually a gift in many ways. In AG, it's what allows her to be able to reach out to others in empathy and kindness. But it comes with a price of feeling things quite intensely. I am not bipolar, but I would imagine if you combine bipolar with being highly sensitive, it would make for some rather intense mood swings. Imagine if you went around life with an acute sunburn, and everyone wanted to hug you? You'd be a bit touchy, woudn't you?

AngelGirl, I know you want everyone to care and like you, we all want that for ourselves,that would be the greatest thing in the world, as you know I run a social/work support center here and some of the ppl from another center have said some rather nasty things about me, yesterday one of our former members came in first thing he said "oh you know they say Angie did some really bad things and she's a bad person, she lies and steals" now that really hurts but ya know what I figure the ppl at my center like me and care about me, they know the real me, so I concentrate on them, I don't need thousands of ppl to make me happy, just give me the ppl at our center and you folks here at the forum and I'am happy, so AG concentrate on the ppl here that do care and those who don't , don't you can't please everybody
Angie
ps,
AG this was not all that easy to write

Post deleted by kimmydawn

Don't know if this is my self-esteem getting hit , but I now feel like I've revealed way too much and I'm receiving no reply so I guess I am not one of those ppl you feel is your friend, that's okay I have others who reply and who like me for who I am "this is getting way to triggery". AG, I too feel pain

AG, i just noticed something about myself and i want to share it with you. we're both bi-polar, right? well, i'm just sitting here, reading the posts and looking around and noticed that a bush is blooming in my back yard and then i saw a bird at the feeder and i'm feeling mellow and content and it hit me!!!!!!! my moods are stabilizing! my psych doc is on the right track with my meds!! i feel really, really normal right now....and i'll tell you what i'm taking if you'll tell me what you're taking. i'm on depakote and lamictal for the bi-polar...i'm tapering off the prozac and will keep the small dosage of elavil for a short while. my thyroid was screwy, so the doc put me on a small dose of some med for that.......i'm at ease and at peace..i haven't felt this normal in years...my house is dirty and i'm not freaking out and then zoning out.....come on, AG, i showed you mine..now you show me yours!! p.s. i get to start regular therapy soon and i'm so excited!! pat

NTM, i'm responding to you.....i'm sorry that folks have judged you and accused you of doing things that you would not do.......that can be a devestating feeling. as you said, your people know you and that matters most.......hang in there.......xoxo pat

Now I'm frustrated! Haven't you read the STA post? It gives sound advice on NOT reacting. That's where a lot of our problems lie, is in not thinking before we REact! We need to STOP! and THINK and NOT REACT. After we've given some thought to something that upset us, more than likely we'll realize that we misunderstood what was said and feelings won't get hurt. The "ACT" part is to NOT act unless you need to say something back or do something. The difference lies in the fact that you have thought things out and your response will be appropriate.

It's great to be sensitive to others feelings, moods, pain, etc, but NOT to the point that we let it bring our own mood down. We can be sensitive without taking on other's feelings or letting them trigger feelings in us.

Something else we need to know is the difference between "sympathy" and "empathy."

When we SYMPATHIZE with someone, we feel what they feel. If they are in an angry mood, we get angry; if they are depressed, we get depressed.

When we EMPATHIZE with someone, we can relate to their feelings, their anger, their depression BUT WE DON'T JUMP INTO THE HOLE WITH THEM!

As for LMo and I being frustrated, (and maybe others, too) yes we are! We have a right to our own feelings and to express them, especially when we try so hard to help and we just go ignored. We haven't expressed our feelings in a hurtful way. That's because we STOPPED, THOUGHT and then ACTED. I just can't stress that enough.

I beleive what is needed more than anything is to focus on good self-esteem, not how bad my self-esteem is, I for one am Stopping, Thinking, and then Acting on better self-esteem NOW
Angie
ps
we all need a strong rudder to steer us in the positive direction, ty Sept

Actually, I'm not putting her down by being sensitive in general. My frustration is that her unchecked sensitivity is resulted in her asking for help and then slamming the door in our faces after we tried REALLY HARD to support her in whatever amateur ways we know how.

Being highly sensitive, in general, is a gift, like you said. Slamming doors in people's faces who want to help you, however, serves to alienate. I think that most of us here have more compassion and empathy than the average person in 3D (myself included, regardless of your what you appear to have concluded about me) and give many second, third, fouth, fifth chances. However, there is a limit to how often ANYBODY wants their words twisted around.

I'd also like to add that extrapolating a negative sentiment where there isn't one intended is really NOT helping AG who already tends to expect criticism. This might have been better addressed via PM.

Pat -- congratulations on your med stabilization!

Angie -- I'd be happy to take care of those people for you, Philly-style, if you want!

AngelGirl -- *I* replied to this post without you contacting me to ask me to look at it. Now, this is a pretty big forum and hopefully you don't expect every single post to be read, but if I see something from someone and they seem to be upset, I do try to act on it, especially if nobody else has offered support yet. I got your PM, too. Hang in there. You're a very caring and supportive friend to many here, so it's only natural that we want to be be there for you as well.

Love,
LMo

LMo, I'll go at them from the front you get my back then septcan cover my side and fayerody can cover the other side ohhhh and then will get fuzzybear to give um a bear grrrrrrrrr, will fix them

yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't know.....my moods may be too stable.....let me check them..

LOL Leave them alone. They're just FINE!

Angie

I'm sorry that I haven't responded earlier. I was just here for a few quick seconds earlier today and made a couple of responses in the Creative Forum and left. I'm only back now and have to run out the door in a few minutes.

I'm sorry that you had to not only hear a former member say some bad things about you but also to know he feels that way. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to open up on the forum and reveal something that is so painful for you and how vulnearable it makes you feel. I wish that he had not said it or even felt it. I also realize that you did open up because you are using it as an example to how I feel here when reading things about me that I do not like and react to. I really appreciate that very much. I also want to tell you that I don't judge you by whatever anybody else says or feels about you. I have a mind of my own and I know the real you and that's the caring, loving, honest Angie that I have come to love and cherish and become friends with. I commend you for being so strong to not let it bring you down, to be able to move on and concentrate on those that do love and care for you both here and IRL. Kudos to you. I think you know already how I would've responded in such a situation had it have been me. I really don't know what to say anymore, I keep saying I'm trying but I keep getting sucked in. The problem I encounter is when I am reading hurtful things, they are already penetrating my heart. I made the right decision by not responding to the comments but it also stopped me from responding to the kudo because I would've felt like a hypocrite in doing so. But OTOH, I've talked several times in PM with the receipient of the kudo thread and things are well between us. We have both moved on from what transpired in the past and are becoming closer through our PMs, so it wasn't really necessary for me to respond to that thread anyway. She knows where my heart is. What I need to do is come to a point where things don't penetrate my heart while I'm actually reading them. That's what's really hard for me. I think what happened to you has to some degree penetrated your heart too because I think I read the pain in your words but somehow you're able to get past that, put it behind you and not dwell on it. That's what I don't know how to do. Is it possible for a highly sensitive person to get to that point? I sure would love to. I HATE being like this. It doesn't make for a very easy or happy life and it is easy to see by this thread alone how it is so difficult for me to maintain friendships. I have put myself on the waiting list at the public library system here for a book that was recommended to me on coping in the world while being highly sensitive. I'm 5th on the list so I have no idea when it will be available for me to pickup. If anybody else can recommend any particular book that you think may be helpful for me, then I will certainly look into it as well.

I know it looks like I'm not trying but I am. I'm really sorry that y'all are getting hurt, offended and frustrated with me. Although that is the last thing I want, I can certainly understand why y'all do. I think it probably takes the patience of Job to help me and maybe then some. I'm sorry for that, I wish I was easier. Like I said, if I can learn how to not let things penetrate my heart immediately and then subsequently dwell on them, I would be in a much happier place and I know y'all wouldn't get so frustrated with me.

Again, I apologize for the delay of my response. It was nothing personal towards you. You know how much I love you and cherish our friendship and I also know how hard it was for you to open up on this public forum and reveal something hurtful to you in order to help me. That certainly hasn't gone unnoticed. It is hard to reveal things that are so hurtful, to open them up for everyone to read. There really are no words to express how much that means to me.

(((((((((((((( Angie ))))))))))

PS: I have to go out now for my family Easter dinner. I am not ignoring the rest of the replies and I will address each and every one of them when I return. The fact that y'all took the time to continue to help me means a lot to me. I hope y'all know that. Just didn't want anybody to think that they were being ignored.

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Now I'm frustrated! Haven't you read the STA post? It gives sound advice on NOT reacting. That's where a lot of our problems lie, is in not thinking before we REact! We need to STOP! and THINK and NOT REACT. After we've given some thought to something that upset us, more than likely we'll realize that we misunderstood what was said and feelings won't get hurt.

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Yes, I have read the STA thead. It sounds very CBT-oriented. I am not a very CBT-oriented therapist/trainee. My orientation is emotion-focused and psychodynanic. So our points of view differ regarding this. I believe our feelings are valid, whatever they are. And if you get hurt by something, you get hurt. Now that doesn't mean that in reviewing the situation, you aren't able to reconstruct the meaning in a way that you can soothe the hurt, or perhaps find that you mis-interpreted the stimulus. But you still hurt initially. I don't believe you can erase or change that. You are correct that you do not have to act on the hurt. But I do not believe that you can avoid the initial hurt unless you avoid the stimulus itself.

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It's great to be sensitive to others feelings, moods, pain, etc, but NOT to the point that we let it bring our own mood down. We can be sensitive without taking on other's feelings or letting them trigger feelings in us.

Something else we need to know is the difference between "sympathy" and "empathy."

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This is certainly true, but I'm not sure how this fits in with the above.

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As for LMo and I being frustrated, (and maybe others, too) yes we are! We have a right to our own feelings and to express them, especially when we try so hard to help and we just go ignored.

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I'm not sure what you mean by ignored here. As far as I've seen, AG does respond to your posts. Is she supposed to obey your suggestions in order to help you not be frustrated? I'm confused.

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We haven't expressed our feelings in a hurtful way. That's because we STOPPED, THOUGHT and then ACTED. I just can't stress that enough.

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Apparently.

Well, I can only judge what's hurtful by my own standards. And I assume that you can only do the same as an individual. As LMo reminded me in her post, I can do a better job, however, of expressing my perceptions regarding this in a PM versus posting it on the board. Particularly if my perception is a minority opinion.

Regards,
gg

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As LMo reminded me in her post, I can do a better job, however, of expressing my perceptions regarding this in a PM versus posting it on the board. Particularly if my perception is a minority opinion.

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That is neither what I said nor what I meant.

You're right, LMo. I should have done this in a PM. I'm trying to get used to that concept for this type of dialog still. I'm sorry.

gg

AngelGirl, we all of us here, will support you forever, I will help you toughen up your skin and heart in anyway I can. Yes this was rough on me, but the only reason I was able to cope is because I have the PC forum, and all of you folks
Just try to remember we are all human here and if we seem short tempered it's cuz we're human.
Angie

My ONLY reason for suggesting the PM is to not reinforce the negative interpretations -- that's what we're trying to talk Angelgirl OUT of doing. I think in almost any other thread, minority opinions are welcome and encouraged. In fact, I appreciate it when other people give me food for thought, and I myself tend to post sometimes unpopular opinions but I feel that other perspectives need to be voiced. It was just this particular issue -- it served to validate Angelgirl's fear of rejection, which is NOT what I wanted to do at all.

good grief, Charley Brown.....can't we all just get along??