[Rapunzel]

I don't know why I struggle with this so much. It's a constant theme, and I don't know how to get past it. I think that this probably underlies most if not all of my issues. It's so big, that all I can really do is point to various instances of it, but I don't think I can get to the root of it.

The last couple of weeks when I was travelling and attending conferences, I kept feeling unentitled. The first week was an optional conference, and the deal was that work paid for the conference fee and meals, and let me take one of their vehicles, but I was on my own for lodging. Hubby had a card for one free night at a pretty nice hotel on a frequent stay program, so I used that. I saved one night by not driving out there until early in the morning, so the first day I was tired from driving for 4 hours on 4 hours of sleep and going straight to class. The last night I was planning to just sleep in the van, but hubby said I couldn't do that and should move to a cheap motel. I was lazy, and stayed where I was, which was more money. And then I felt unentitled and decided to make up for it by not buying any more meals. The only time I went out to eat was when I had someone to go with. I didn't starve - the hotel provided breakfast and there were snacks at the conference - I guess the presenters thought that would help us stay awake.

The next week I was at another conference, for the whole week, and I just decided that it wasn't worth going out and getting dinner by myself, so the two times that I had dinner were when someone else from the conference asked me to join them.

T refers to this as eating disorder behaviors, but I don't think that's it. It's more about that I don't feel like I'm worth it. I also feel like I'm not worth taking up space, so I wish that I could lose 30 pounds because I'm taking up more space than I deserve.

I also really resist when I'm asked about any kind of self-care, or particularly if she suggests rewarding myself for progress. That sends a wall right up. Not only do I not deserve a reward, I don't feel like I even deserve the progress. I can't deal with that at all.

I don't expect people from my past to remember me - can't think of any reason why they should. I'm supposed to be figuring out who I am, and after all the I don't knows, that question keeps coming back to that whatever I want to be or however I try to define myself, I don't measure up. I feel like I'm not good enough.

I don't feel like I even deserve to have self-esteem.

Why do I keep staying stuck in these patterns, and what can I do about it? Is anyone else having the same problem? Have any of you found the way out?

[cat_eye]

I don't feel like I even deserve to have self-esteem.

^I totally feel ya on that one.

(((((((((((rapunzel))))))))))))

[complic8d]

I feel no sense of self-worth, so I understand you there. And, those "rewards", doing something for yourself, I can't stand the thought of that. I don't know why I do this either, why do I hate myself so much? I hope there is a way out of this, but sorry, I have no answers for you. Hang in there. HUGS!

[(JD)]

Having a false sense of self is like most things imo takes constant and often proper thinking to adjust. I had some similar feelings when I received my bachelor degree.. like I didn't really earn it (it felt too easy) and maybe I didn't belong doing and trying to continue in a career. I think it was the overwhelming stress... the expectations of others (or what I perceived them to be)... getting to me.

We have to realize we are entitled to whatever we can accomplish. As human beings... this is the human being experience, this is what we do!

[LMo]

I don't know what to say, other than (( rapunzel )) ((and anyone else who feels that way ))

I never feel like this, therefore I can't really relate. In fact, it's almost the opposite -- I frequently buy myself "prizes" for doing a good job (little things -- like cleaning the house earns me a prize; weeding the garden earns me a prize; doing my homework earns me a prize). I do tend to spend more money on other people than I would for myself, but if other people "deserve" space on earth, then by god so do I!

Please, try to be kind to yourselves. You might as well, because at the end, you're not going to win an award for the least self-selfish (that's not a word, but I can't think of a better one) person. You might as well live in style!

Hugs,
LMo

[(JD)]

I'm for that LMo! It's a good habit to be into... even when little my mom would always give us a "work pill" when we finished a chore.. it was a white "hot" candy! But it taught us to be good to ourselves for doing even simple things; showed how much she appreciated our help.

[Rapunzel]

I like that "work pill" idea. I think I'm too negative with my kids, and would like to change that too.

LMo, the way you reward yourself for your accomplishments sounds very healthy - like something I ought to try - but I'm afraid that if I did try it, I would punish myself some other way just because. I am so self-destuctive, and it's so deep and engrained in me - it weaves itself through everything that I do. I try to let go of one part of it, but something else pops up to compensate. You know what? I'm an addict. I'm addicted to self-destructive behavior, and it's just like a drug. It has that same grip on me like substances do on people who are substance-dependent. I don't know how to function without it. I keep it subtle enough that it isn't obvious most of the time to most people, but it's always there.

(((((((hugs to all of you))))))))))

[LMo]

ok, Rapunzel - let's try this! You give me a daily status report of what you accomplished today, and I will think of little prizes that I would give you if we lived near each other! And maybe some prizes that you must give yourself. It'll be practice! Whaddya say?

Expecting Daily Status Report starting tomorrow (Saturday)!

Love,
LMo

[(JD)]

What do I get?

[LMo]

Five (5) gold stars!!!

[(JD)]

Hey kewl! tyvm lol are they lick & stick or adhesive? (trying to figure out where to put them!)

[Rapunzel]

LMo, thanks for your idea about reporting to you and the prizes. I don't think that I could handle it on a daily basis, but maybe less frequently. It's really hard to report things that I did that were good - I can't do it without making a list in my head of all the things I did that were bad, or questioning whether the things I was going to say were good are actually bad. Like, I was called in for graveyard last night, and I slept for 7 hours after I got home. I started thinking that was good that I got my sleep, but then I felt lazy for sleeping so long, and remembered all the things I needed to do today that I didn't get done. I also remembered to take my stuff home out of the freezer from work. Yesterday (other job) I remembered to be there for a meeting with my boss that we had scheduled and re-scheduled, but she forgot I guess, and wasn't there. Oh, here's one I can't argue with too much. I finished one of the tests I have to send in to be certified for my training I was in Colorado for. But I still have one more to do, and haven't sent it in yet. I think I got everything right though on the one I finished.

Thanks
Rap

[(JD)]

Yep LMo has lots of prizes for us lol well, at least she gives out gold stars! TC ok?

[SeptemberMorn]

ROFL!! Don't ask me what I'm thinking!! Can I put them on?? Please??

I LOVE YOU!!!

[seeker1950]

I have always had a problem with low self-esteem, Rapunzel. I'm 54 now, but still remember while in a very young, preschool age, probably 3 or 4 years old, my dad telling my mom, "You're going to give her an inferiority complex!" after she did something...can't remember what! Her abuse, hitting me daily, continued well thru my college years. The last time it happened, I was in my second or third year of college, sitting in front of the bedroom mirror, combing my hair, in anticipation of my high school sweetheart coming to visit. He had long hair, and was a hippie type. She was ranting, "What are the neighbors going to think?" to which I replied, "Mom, I don't CARE what the neighbors think." That resulted in being beaten over the head severely by her blows. After that, the next day, I told her bluntly, if she ever did that to me again, I would never return home (I was attending college away from home.).
Though we both grew up in impoverished conditions in the coalfields of WV, my high school sweetheart eventually went on to Harvard, and is now a judge and mediation lawyer, living in Boston. Even now, we still email daily. Only now, am I finding the courage to go to college and attain my Master's degree, at the same time doubting my skills and ability, due to low self-esteem.
I even remember being "shaken" severely as a toddler. I should also add, that the one instance of my dad commenting on the "inferiority complex" issue is the only time I ever remember him intervening in any way. Had he done so, I might have developed differently.
The longterm ramifications of this has been a lifetime of struggle for me, as I know it must be for many of you here. I have never had a successful and happy relationship with a man. At my age now, I doubt I ever will, though my nature is loving and generous.
I am proud to state that I raised my own daughter in a totally different way, and we have a wonderful relationship. Never hitting her, but resorting to loving reason. Perhaps that is my greatest success.
Loving thoughts,
Seeker