photography is what truly defines me as a creative human being. my first camera was one of the square ones that you looked through..it was a kodak....no brownie...i took photos of my dogs, the horses and my dad and the other cowboys. i don't have any memory of anyone ever looking at my pictures when i was young..but maybe they did. the camera that i have now shoots at 1/8000th of a second. that is how i am able to stop the action of say a horse that's running full out. plus it has a high command program that i can turn on when i go into the arena. frequently i've been in the arena for ten minutes or so before i realize that i haven't made any adjustments to the camera to allow for the conditions. i get extremely "high" when i'm shooting anything. intense describes it best.i i zone everything out except myself and the subject. during my last marriage, i had two of those critters, my husband bought me a simple Nikon. i took a workshop in NM with Bernard Plousu who is a famous French photographer. he started the fire. as my knowledge grew, i outgrew cameras and bought different ones. when i bought the one that i have now, i sold alot of my antiques so i could get it. by the time i got to that point, i had quit being a cheerleader for my husband and since he'd never been very interested in my work, i preferred doing it that way. i never heard him tell anyone i was a photographer nor did i ever see him look at any new prints or ask me what i was working on. we were allowed to talk about two subjects. surgery and fly fishing. nothing i did was ever brought up. we were on a trip one time and he was very moody and i asked him what was wrong....he said, "well, it really ticks me off that my career is stagnant and yours is taking off like it is".."you've been getting phone calls from all around the United States and I hate that!"....this is a man who has 3 specialities...took me to my knees on that one. i realized then that i was screwed as far as his opinion about my creative self went. so, this photography was my one grip on something outside of that marriage. i had started working on the rodeo book just before the marriage became a train wreck happening. the Indian cowboys and their wives were my main support through that period. four of them drove all night and all day to come see me in Oklahoma because their wives made them!! they were worried about me. imagine the husband's shock when he opened the door and four absolutely beautiful Navajo men were standing there!!! i started moving out the next day. their calm and strength helped me see that i could get out of there. i have continued to take photographs through the good and the bad. i have used both my daughters as models during different times in our lives. one of my favourite things to do is to shoot bridal shots in very different ways. i really love that. i wrote a program called "phototherapy" for Psychiatry Institute of America in the 80s. I did group using that technique for three years at a PIA hospital. That is my most favourite work that i've ever done. It was very rewarding to see an alcoholic a year after their hospitalization and have them tell me that they were still sober. i don't have a degree in psychology. three years..i flew by the seat of my pants under the supervision of the medical director.when i lived in New Mexico, i also did something that i loved..i put together a slide show on the Indian rodeo and taught positive thinking to the employees of U.S. West, a telephone company in Denver.. so, you can see that my image of myself is very tied up in my photography. i've been putting a few things up in my photo gallery and i deeply appreciate hearing your comments. and you don't have to "cheer" me on..if you don't like a print or have questions...let me know.. p.s. the portrait of Jack and Tip is an old workprint and is really in sorry condition...sorry...it's not a strong B/W...
[b]i would really like to hear what the biggest and most important work is in your life that is tied to your self esteem.

I really do hope that others will share their experiences and talk about self-esteem in relationship to what you do best. I'm very curious and would like to share this. pat

wanna help me find that elusive thing buried under years of depression and ptsd and dissociation?

if I could remember what it was or which things they were I might be able to reply.

[nothemama8]

Ohhhh great after a cahotic day like yesterday , now you want me to think, ohhhh you are soooooo mean
Angie

[SweetCrusader]

Sweetie, I'm going to reply soon, but I need to gather my thoughts

[SeptemberMorn]

thinking... thinking... thinking...

trying to gather courage, first...

[Wants2Fly]

BIG HUGS GREAT HUGS HUGE HUGS HUGS THE SIZE OF A PLANET

(((((((((((((((((((((((((fAYErodY))))))))))))))))))))

I love your story. It's a fabulous story.

Pat, I know you've asked for input and feedback here, but to me your story is so wonderful and special that I believe that to add too much about MOI, as Miss Piggy would say, would completely detract from what you've achieved and how special your art is.

I am not an artist -- I am a wordsmith for hire. I have tremendous respect for what people like you do. I like to interview people like you so that other people will look at their art and see how special they are.

Time passes quickly for me when I am writing, so long as its a message I want to make effective. I forget that I am depressed, old, and used up.

Artists are so special and wonderful.

((((((((((((((((((Pat))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Wants! thank you so much and I still want to read something you've written....other than the wonderful things you've posted here.......also, i have a little brain fart....how about the two of us working on a little writing for the book? i have some things finished and others i'm still wrestling with...it's just a little BF....think on it....p

[mortimer]

I like drawing. It doesn't change anything though, after I've finished something I'm relieved it's finished and I can start on something else, but it doesn't change my moods or make me feel better about myself. Ah well. Most of my friends are art geeks, so I fit in pretty well because of it.

I love your photos... *_____* I might try to draw the woman and the kitty, connecat. I'd try to draw the doggie, but I can draw animals. T_T

You like photography? Do you feel like you can express things easier through photography (express things artistically and emotionaly) or is it harder then other artistic mediums for you.

T_T I love your pictures... The B&W and antiqued ones (I think called antiqued) turn out looking so nice... :3

Mortimer, let's establish a mutal adoration society ....the first time I saw your signature I laughed so hard that I cried ...PD has always been a favourite of mine but I had never seen that quote. It's hilarious.....
For your post...Thank you so much for the compliments. It really gave me a lift this morning and I needed one ....The process on the B/w photographs is sepia..more or less.....I use a film from England, Ilford HP5plus and then those photos are developed and printed in a color system machine. Thus the sepia..BUT, it's very hard to find a technician that can do it....This is my last batch that was done by a woman in Tulsa. She's retired.....so I'm up the proverbial creek without a paddle unless I find someone else to do them.....yes, I almost always use B/W film. For me, it satisfies a creative feeling that color film doesn't...and there are things that I like in B/W that I can't manage with color. With B/W, I can photograph a bullrider and the bull and cowboy will be the main focus of the shot....with color, you will see all of colors of clothing and such in the background....even if I tweak the depth of field...you'll still see those colors. I HATE that. the photo of the girl and the cat was made on Grand Cayman. She is my youngest daughter and that cat "lived" at the house that we rented. Connie is a fabulous model because she is tall and slim.......(i'm short and pudgy)..and today i'm putting up a photo of the oldest daughter...Thank you again for your interest.....if you draw anything from the photos, I have to see it .....how will we work that???? Pat

[mortimer]

(I'm sorry you had a bad day. *hug* Anything I can do...?)

Oh wow! I just saw the new pics you posted, I wuv them. *_* They're so nice... I love your doggie... XD he's so cute!!! Your daughter looks very pretty too. ^_^ If she's related to you, you must be as nice. ^___^

Could you consider to make the B/W ones sepia-coloured by anique-ing them in a photo editor? We have a crappy one at home, but you grab a picture and antique it and then it turns it to the sepia scale, err, well, tan. I don't know if that would take the pictures the same way, but you could turn it like that a little at least. It takes a little tweaking to make it look right though, as antique-ing makes it really light, so you have to screw with it a lot. :/ I'm not sure it would get the different 'colours' of the sepia even you know?

I like the no colour ones, they have personality. ^_^ Stick to what you love, you always do it bestest.

Haha... I don't like how I draw... XD But if it turns out I'll scan it at school or at a friends and give it to ya. ^_^ Err... it's your picture I'm drawing from so I might send you the original. I might need just a picture of the face though, I seem to do those okay. ^_^;;; Bodies are hard, and I can't draw animals. I haven't much experience. :< I shouldn't have gottan your hopes up. >_<;;;

Anyway, I hope you're feeling better. TT_TT *hug* And we should start a club!!! We can be the leaders/dictators of it. It'd be the bestest. ^^ Last quotes I had in my sig just peeved people off, it's nice these ones aren't bad. XD

Anyway. ^_^;;;

your signatures slay me!! my day got better, eventually. i went for a walk with my daughter and my granddaughter. the baby prairie dogs have started appearing, so that was fun....
about the photographs, a friend just gave me adobe photoshop and i'm going to try what you suggested.......that is a great idea!! thank you....
i await your drawing with bated breath!!! Pat

[SeptemberMorn]

Oh, boy... I've been putting off answering your question because I'm still undecided about the outcome.

All things considered, being a good mother to my kids has been my most important work. My kids all have great qualities. I've never had to bail any of them out of jail, none of them are addicts of any kind of chemicals. Out of the four, two went to college; as you know, my oldest son has a successful business, my daughter worked for her Master's degree in teaching while married and raising two boys... and is working now. The other two boys didn't go to college but have a good work ethic. Those two had minimal development problems; the younger worse than the first. He didn't learn to read very well in school, but now he's "addicted" to Louis Lamour books. His older brother's spelling and communication skills are practically non-existent.

I'm going to leave it at that because this should be as positive as possible.

[SeptemberMorn]

I've been giving this post of yours quite a bit of thought. My painting, my writing, etc. all seem to come, as usual, from a very deep sense of pain or the hights of ecstacy. Both of which I'd rather avoid.

The only thing that qualifies as "the biggest and most important work [is] in your life that is tied to your self esteem" is my motherhood; was I a good mother or not, did I unwittingly abuse my kids, what basic life principles did I instill in them. The list goes on and on.

Unfortunately, my failures stand far out above the successes, no doubt, due to my self-esteem. You've seen me brag about my oldest son. Yes, he's $uccessful, but is he successful in his private life? I think I need to give the credit to my DIL for maintaining a good marraige and raising their children in such a gentle, loving way. They don't have much of a spiritual life.

My daughter, who received her Master's in teaching after being married and raising two boys, does have a spiritual life. I'm just wondering if it isn't a twisted addiction in her life. She also inherited her father's paranoid schitzofrenia.

My two youngest sons both made horrible mistakes in their choice of a life partner. The middle son avoids confrontation or any uncomfortable feelings just like his dad; he would rather go miles out of his way than to deal with any unpleasant situation. Life has just recently reached out and slapped him in the face. He certainly isn't following my example of protecting his children at all costs.

My youngest is falling apart at the seams because of his choice in a life partner. I can see my precious granddaughter suffering because of the emotional environment she's been living in. My son's inherited "stubborness" is causing him more problems than it's helping.

On the positive side; they all graduated from high school, two went on to college. The three that I birthed all have my stubborness to a fault. Never did hubby and I have to bail them out of jail or visit them in a trauma unit. None have any chemical addictions although I know they've all "tried" several things. None of them smoke even though they grew up in a smoking evironment.

Are these minor good things enough to over ride the negative? My jury is still out on that one.

[Indra]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
[b]i would really like to hear what the biggest and most important work is in your life that is tied to your self esteem.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

It's only in my art work that I see what a beautiful person I am. It's my therapy, and it's what makes me feel valued. No doubt about it, I believe it's what I was put on earth to express and share.

I do collage, and draw. And I'll be learning to tattoo in a few months. And I have a great love of design/decorating interiors and exteriors...I like to make things look beautiful around me.

i really do believe that beauty around us is very important. i know that i'm a beautiful person through my photographs. can you post some of your work in our photo gallery??? you can go there and see what we all look like and put your photo up too....xoxox pat

[Indra]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
can you post some of your work in our photo gallery??? you can go there and see what we all look like and put your photo up too....xoxox pat

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I'll check it out and see what I have on the computer that I can post.

[Jeanie]

feel shy here, but your question seems to hit at the heart of my dilemma, or maybe not- I'm pretty confused these days.

I'm an artist in the visual (art furniture, mostly) and performing fields. Most of my experience is in singing and acting (about 30 yrs) and it's where I think I fit in in the world, but I'm not sure about that anymore either lol
Because I'm so emotional and have a near-photographic memory, I can take on huge roles and impress the audience. I performed a one-woman play about the life of Emily Dickinson and got rave reviews like "rivals Broadway" and stuff like that. And I sang the principal role of Mary in a new Christmas Oratorio and was told I was the perfect Mary and on and on.
But that praise doesn't cut through the frozen self-hatred I carry around in my brain and heart. I related so powerfully to Emily that I felt like an incarnation or something. And I sang Mary from my own perspective of a mother who has been deeply afraid for her son, whom she adores ( who has been in almost non-stop acute mania with psychosis for over a year).
So I feel like a fraud, other than the immediate high I get from a job well done and the recognition of others.
This seems convoluted. What's the point?
Well- the stage is where I feel the most comfortable and like myself, whatever that is- chameleon? and yet I cannot feel good about that. I'm now in rehersals for A Midsummer Nights Dream with 2 major roles (Oberon and Helena) and I don't even care any more.

For the first time in my life i went to see a therapist last Fri. I've begun to think that maybe I have something treatable going on here that maybe even has a name. When she said we'd talk about self-esteem I wanted to run away. I don't know if I can do this.

I have this superstition that if I let myself be happy that something awful will happen to one of my kids. Things like that are driving me to hang around this forum. Your warmth pulls me in.

I also write poetry, but don't share it cause much of it is quite dark. Maybe here will be ok.

Creative Self and Self Esteem- what a can of worms for me!!

Thanks

Hello. when i posted the "self-esteem and creative self", i was hoping and praying for replies like yours and the last post before yours.......that's what i was looking for. what do we feel, so deep and so true, about how we create our level of beauty. beauty as we know it. i have found that i nearly die, inside, if i don't create a beauty that is comfortable to me...even changing furniture placement is important to me. i would love to see you play the characters that you have played in the past and will play in the future. i always wanted to be an actress.......but never really had a chance. we're having tornadoes here tonight. so i'm going to log off and close the 'puter down. thank you for the very warm and kind words.....we have a wonderful forum called Creative Corner....you'll really like the characters that hang out there. it's our little oasis...xoxo pat

[Jeanie]

thanks Pat!

Hope you got thru the tornado ok

It's funny- I hadn't been thinking in terms of "beauty", but more like wanting to "move" people with my art. But there's Beauty in that too, isn't there? And with the Art Furniture it's essential!
I think I've been in a very dark, sad place for a while and Beauty has seemed outside somehow.
Thanks for bringing it back in..........

there is absolute beauty in seeing something that moves me. and if someone sees a photograph of mine and responds, it becomes more beautiful to me because i feel their appreciation and support. i hope you'll continue to post. is there anyway that you can post some of your images in our gallery area? i'd love to see them. please let me know if you can do that........xoxo pat

[Indra]

Pat...I saw your photos in the gallery...absolutely beautiful...

I checked to see what I have on the computer that I could post...but the ones I have are rather sexual in nature. Beautiful, not lewd, but sexual nonetheless...so I don't know what the rules are with that sort of thing???

If I can't post them publicly, if you'd like I could send a couple through PM. Let me know, k?!

[Jeanie]

I can't seem to find the gallery!! lol

I have to admit, too, that I don't know how to post images....

greenie

[SweetCrusader]

Pat,

I have always considered myself a very artistic soul. I'm not really "professional" in any artistic area, but I dabble here and there To me, things that I create pretty much always have deep meaning and symbolism. I believe that a piece of my soul becomes part of every creation, very literally. I like to create things to give to others especially, as a way of honoring them and connecting to them. I put a LOT of thought and heart into gifts that I make for people.

I used to sing and act quite a lot. I enjoyed performing because for me it was at times an avenue of escape from who I am, and at other times an avenue for the unencumbered expression of emotions that I-- as myself-- am often too inhibited to put out there. I would channel my own emotions sort of through the experience of the character, and that seemed to make me a better performer as well as give me a chance to express.

Singing, well it's hard to explain what that does. It's just another medium of passionate expression for me, I guess. There's something about the feeling of really belting a song out that can often give incredible release, inspiration, and a deepening of the emotional experience I'm having. Often when I am feeling something and I just want to walk through that feeling and take it all in, I look for a song that mirrors where I'm at emotionally, and I just let it fill my soul.

I also draw and paint (but not well! lol!). Generally, I do this when I have something very important I need to express to myself, or sometimes to my therapist, that I cannot possibly put into words. I am not good at capturing it in picture either, but better than words. And the rest I have to leave up to my therapist's ability to interpret and feel what I mean. This has been an important tool in my therapy. Many of the things I have processed have been beyond the reach of my words, and my therapist and I work with images a LOT even in session. If I can't tell her how I feel by describing words, I work to form a mental image and I describe that to her. This works because we are both very imaginative/imagistic people. We speak the same language. It may sound strange or trite, but some of the images that I have in my heart and mind are actually treasured posessions to me, because they say what words cannot. That matters to me. I respect it, and I hold it very close to my heart. It's essential to who I am. I also like to draw things that represent me on a spiritual/symbolic level. I draw the progress I am making toward recovery, I draw who I am, I draw how I see myself (whether accurate or distorted), and how I feel.

I also write a LOT of poetry normally. I haven't for a while, but poetry is a huge outlet for me. That's where I really try and pull the heart and the mind together. I used to post some in cc, but I haven't for a very long time. Sometimes my poems are romantic, sometimes they're just silly, sometimes they are really angry (I do anger best on paper- where it's not as threatening), sometimes they're just trite to tell you the truth. But I love it. I love to share my poetry and hear about what it makes people feel- particularly when someone relates to it personally. That's a great feeling. I also like to pour my secrets out in poetry, sometimes very plainly and other times buried in metaphor so I can speak it without really speaking it and having my secret really told I love it when I write something and somebody else takes it in a completely different direction that I never meant and maybe even that doesn't fit me at all, but works for them. Then I feel like my poem is sort of a shared creation. It feels like a bond to that person.

Lately I've been into beadwork. I really prefer doing beadwork for someone else, and it truly is a labor of love. I've done a couple of things for my therapist. Made her a pair of beaded moccasins, and a picture made completely out of beads that represents her individually as well as the role of a therapist. It takes a LOT of time. I find it very soothing. Beading is a time to unwind and focus on something, but not so much that it consumes all my energy. I like to let my mind wander off as I keep my fingers busy. I like to make patterns with different shaped beads and watch the creation unfold: because often it's not as I'd pictured it would be (which is usually good but not always). Beadwork helped me avoid self-injury MANY times. It helps me feel grounded rather than dissociative sometimes. Othertimes, it's something I can do while dissociating- which sometimes is necessary for my psychological survival!

I don't know if this is what you were looking for...

wow! wow~exactly what i meant.....i'm excited about this thread, again. you're doing exactly what we are talking about. and you are using a lot of different mediums to express yourself. i used to do beadwork and am working on a way to have an upright loom, as my arthritic neck gives me hell, if i bend my head over my loom.

please, please post some of your poetry in CC. it's the most laid=back forum right now...and we need "laid back".. can you scan anything and put it in the photo gallery??? or e.mail it to me???? i'm so pleased you found this.........xoxo pat