The "right" thing?

I have realised that when any sort of friendship or relationship goes wrong my automatic thoughts and feelings are that it is my fault. I might have posted elsewhere how my stepmother stated that I should be "punished all my life".

I find it hard to get the balance between avoidance (my former therapist sneered at me and said "You avoid almost everything" ....).... and working on friendships and even maintaining any sort of contact with people, without running away as soon as I feel any hurt, which is often.

As I posted elsewhere, in the therapy with my former T we worked a bit on my "inner child" as he called her. I spent sessions curled up in a ball and crying my eyes out reliving some of my early pain.

But still I found it so hard to trust him so "Lucy" did not appear often and I struggled with resistance and "projection" onto him. I was often scared that he was angry with me and I sometimes asked him if he was. One time he replied "Yes I am angry with you J.... I find myself being angry when you ask me that"

On other occasions he told me that he sometimes felt "callous" towards me and "very indifferent" towards me..... and that I was "not endearing".

He also stated that some people are "beyond help" and when he ended he said that the local NHS psychiatrist would not see me and I would have to make do with "medication and nothing else"

I did manage to see the local NHS psychiatrist although when I asked him if I could see him more often he said "there is no point".

When I went to the local General Practitioner's surgery a couple of months ago, the doctor said that he didnt think the disorder the therapist had diagnosed me with existed. He said something about "if you don't enjoy your anxiety I could refer you for short term intervention..... 6 to 8 sessions"........ I waited a month or so and nothing came through.

I am very disillusioned with both doctors and therapists.

I appreciate all of you who have replied to my "Trying... in the UK" thread. I know that paying for private "treatment" is my only option. But the fees of most therapists are way beyond our budget at the moment.

I am pleased that some people here have seen me as making progress since I joined as sometimes I feel totally hopeless and undeserving

I know I have made mistakes with some people I have been in contact with and I hope they can forgive me

I am thinking of the words of the Desiderata as I write this..... about "as far as possible be on good terms with all people"........ I do hate long term conflicts, perhaps because there was so little love, caring or even communication in my family of origin.

I am sorry this post is so long and rambling but at least I am getting some of my thoughts and pain out, even though some of you have probably heard some or even most of this before.... many of you will not have.

Take care everyone,
Fuzzy

((((((Fuzzy))))))

This is (another) great post! You are explaining yourself so clearly and honestly that I am in awe. You have clearly made lots of connections recently.

I know what you mean about "running away as soon as I feel any hurt". I do this a lot. I have tried to work on it, and one thing I try to do is have an imaginary friend perched on my shoulder. When I feel uncertain, I try to think what that friend would say. (The friend, btw, is based on a real friend who is very perceptive and straight talking and whose opiniont I trust)>
Another thing I do is check out my perception with other people. I have a range of people I do this with; some at work, some at home, some removed from either situation. That is really useufl in that because there are several of them I spread out my requests, and they often give me an alternative interpretation.

As you have said in your other thread, the NHS is often frustrating to those of us trapped within it. I can only suggest that you remind your GP of his proposed referral, perhaps in writing. (I often find it useful to write things rather than say them, partly because I can then get someone else to read the letter through and check it is oK.)

Thank you for this courageous post.
Caroline

thanks, I wish I hadnt posted anything today anywhere

stupid stupid me
I hate me
L/whoever

{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}

This is an excellent post! You have done a good job expressing your feelings and evaluating your own actions, as well as explaining how you have been hurt. I am sorry about the system there and your struggles to get help, and the lack of helpfulness. Ugh. I hope that you can get some real help soon, because you deserve to feel better and to be able to get past these things. I hope that you can be helped by your friends here also, although I know it isn't the same. At least you know you've got someone in your corner, right?

I certainly see you making progress. You understand yourself better, and you're getting really good at expressing yourself.

Love,
Rap

fuzzy wuzzy honey bear...you are soooooo not stupid.....can't you see how many peop;es hearts and minds you have touched today?.....mine included.......

NO, Fuzzy, you are NOT stupid and you were RIGHT to post.

C

((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))
I get really upset when you say bad things about yourself. I think you say good stuff. I hurt alot inside too. I'm sorry that your T never made you feel better. I think we are lucky that our T tries to listen and help. I wish we could give a real hug. deedee says she still will share her yellow blanky with you. You could come and color my new unicorn poster with me and eat popcorn and sing stupid songs and have a pillow fight.
Vicki and deedee and w_i

{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzybear}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Indeed, you are making progress! This is the first post where I've seen you express your feelings and why! What courage you've found inside yourself, Sweet Girl!

You are soooo NOT stupid! I find you to be very intelligent and rational! You can take that to the bank, Angel!!!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzybear}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I think it's a good post, fuzzy. And I'm not the only one here that knows that feeling of wishing we hadn't said/posted anything. We become vulnerable whenever we say something, and it's only when we do and withstand what others might say that we gain more security with expressing ourselves. ((((fuzzhug)))

Fuzzy, you and i were just talking about this....you've done an excellent job here. i am so very proud of you~ xoxoxo pat

You are a good person fuzzy, that is plain to see.

Peaceful thoughts, M

Hi Fuzzybear!
That therapist sounds like a piece of work. Horrible!
I'm new here but have read numerous posts and things you've written. Fuzzy, you strike me someone I'd like to meet. You are very kind, caring and compassionate. Don't feel bad about anything you've written. I like reading anything you write. When you open up you help me to open up too. With your written revelations, I see some of my own revelations. You help others when you do have the courage to write honestly. Your stregnth is contagious. You give great Fuzzybear hugs to everyone else, perhaps you need to give yourself some too? (((((((((((FuzzyBear))))))))))))

Jax is completely right! (((((Fuzzy)))))))

-Jennifer-