[ambers]

This prevents me from making decisions on my own, as i don't trust myself enough because I always end up screwing up when im on my own.

I am dependent on others in ways that i can't depend on myself. I recently found out through my psychologist and myself while digging for truth, that i find myself worthless, my mother used to give me this terrible looks when i accomplished something, I felt bad and embarrased for opening my spirit up to her. she crushed it.

i can't keep a job, the only jobs i've held long enough for sexual in nature, like massage or escorting.
I want to go back to school but i know i will sabatoge myself like i do when i set out to accomplish something.

i put more emphasis on my looks(external appearance) then i do on the inside and i think i do that because i believe on a subconscious level that i am garbage on the inside and my accomplishments are worthless, ect.

logically i know this is a falicy, but when goals are set in motion i tend to sabatoge them on a subconscious level, so i need to depend on others.

I hate this so much, im on anti depressants now and i feel better, but it still doesn't take away the pain i have and the lack of self confidence. so im in therapy, just started. not sure if it will heal me and make my self image better, but i am really trying hard.

how long will that take? i wish i needed it for alittle while so i can be all better, but i know thats unrealistic, and i have to be patient.

[bebop]

your mother can't take it away from you. you have to take it back! we allow ourselves to "let" them do this to us. look in the mirror every day and tell yourself you can do/be anything you choose!

[Rhapsody]

Then FIGHT and take it back.... as many of us here on PC have had to do.

YOU CAN DO IT!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

[Sarah116]

THAT IS SOMETHING NO ONE CAN TAKE FROM YOU!!!

[(JD)]

I'm sorry that your mother crushed your spirit this way. I think you would benefit from the thread sticky posted at the top of the Psychotherapy Forum..the ten common cognitive distortions. Ok, even if what you are saying isn't exactly the way it happened...it's in the past. NOW what would you want? HOW do you wish things to be now. WHO do you wish to be now? You have an opportunity to redesign yourself, especially with having a T to guide you!

Things that are in the past cannot affect us once we learn how they are making us feel in the present. You are learning those things. Soon your future will take on a desireable shape. Good wishes!

[Liv28]

Ambers,

I see so much of myself in what you wrote..I, too, had my self confidence stolen from me at one time..I became dependent on others to take care of me..so much that I forgot how to take care of myself..became scared that I would never be able to take care of myself if I did not have someone around me to do it for me. I made sure that someone was around..even if it meant sabotaging myself in the mean time..degrading myself so that I did not have to face my fears. I had no sense in who I really was as a person..because for so long others had told me WHO I was..despite if it was true or not..and I had believed them..and every bit of that led to my self destructive behavoir until I decided NO MORE and walked away from it all! I turned my life around and made a life for myself without all those lies inside of my head..just as you can. The first thing I had to do though was seperate myelf from the person or persons that were feeling my head with the lies..the person or persons that were making me feel like a nobody..making me feel like I couldn't do anything..and as hard as it was..I had to seperate myself from my family for awhile..as well as others..as soon as I was strong enough..I went back to my family..but with bounderies set..
In the mean time..you need to focus on yourself..to re-establish a new foundation..You need to realize that for the first half of your life that you have been told lies about your self worth and you need to figure out who you REALLY are now..and you need to do this on your own!! without the help of anyone else except yourself and perhaps your T. And once you figure out who you are..and your eyes are opened to what a beautiful person you are and can be..Then go get em..Follow those dreams..don't let anyone tell you that you can't..because you will know that you CAN! Because you will have already proved that have!

Good luck and Pm me anytime should you ever need to talk!

[CedarS]

Lots of good therapy has helped me. Reading various books and forum posts on what other folks have gone through helps too, as does reading various theories about what makes us tick and what to do about it.

Getting angry has helped me at times. Reclaiming myself, believing in myself, being determined to live, all has helped immensely.

Finding ways to be resilient also helpful. I still struggle, I still have some major challenges, but living as well as I can has been the best revenge for what was done to me as a child and teen.

[Flinty]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((ambers))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think in many ways I am opposite to you.....
I only have my accomplishments, but my external appearance isn't very flattering.....

I agree with bebop, we allow this to happen to us, I know mine happened due to my lack of self-esteem.

We must fight to get back what was ours!!

[FaithisAlive]

Dr.Phil's book " Self Matters" made a difference for me. I learned that I was playing the tape recorded message my parenst gave me growing up over and over in my mind.. listening to them and doing what was expected of me.

My mother told me i was worhtless and would never amount to anything.. that I should never have been born... I believed her... my father taught me that if I didn't look like a Playboy pinup, I was not worth anything, let alone a decent man to love me; I would have nothign to offer.. I believed him too..

As long as I allowed those messages to replay in my head, i was unable to do anything except make it all true ya know? Am I making sense? Sometimes I am not sure I am getting the words out to express the thougths properly.

I still struggle with my self confidence ... but have been working on reinventing myself according to what I believe to be true.. and what they told me was lies... all lies..

You can get take control of your life and be whatever you want to be.. just stop listening to everything your mom ever said to you.. stop believing her lies about you...

I hope things get better for ya hun!!You can do this!

[purplesunny]

My brother and I were sexually molested by her.
From as long as I can remember up until I was old enough to fight around 13.

I have always felt worthless and always searching for someone to love me, to want me for me.

I am very clingy with men. I have a hard time with women trying to hug me or get close. I have no women friends.

[biplol]

{{ambers}} I really feel for you, there is so much our mother's could have done to make us feel confident. But they didn't , and you know what, I think you, realizing how you see yourself and how you behave, it's just a way of start you own healing process.
Now, you know better. Just work on finding things that you are good at and try to use them in the right way. The feeling of accomplishment can be reached when you try and you do it for you own good.
Hang in there, PM me anytime~

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope things are going well for you at this time. I really hope you get a therapist that can help you with your self esteem issues, so that you have other options in life besides sexual options. It is noce to get attention, but you want to be getting the right and needed attention. You dont need attention that exploits and harms you emotionally, or physically. There is help for you if you are willing to let a therapist help you regain your self esteem. It is work but it is worth it in the end to have a life that you have wanted and are capable of having through the right motivation. I hope the best for you but you deserve the best life that you can have and I hope that you try to be the best person that You can be, and want to be, Take care Sincerely Soidhonia