[Wants2Fly]

What is self-esteem? Is it certainty? Confidence? "I'm sure I'm a good friend, loving mate, caring mother, competent and motivated employee?

I have been wondering if insecurity is a somewhat bigger category than self-esteem.

I mean -- I can be insecure about whether I am loveable and loving in friendships and family relationships; whether I am competent and employable.

And self-esteem/confidence seem to be the cure.

But I also can be insecure/fearful about many other things -- climate change, death, Armegeddon, income etc.

Any insights anyone?

[Fuzzybear]

Hey! Great question! I was pondering myself about exactly that (but was hesitant to post ...)

I won't even attempt to answer it here in public and I'm not at all sure I have any answers anyway

(((((((((((((((( Wants2Fly ))))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

I think it's a combination, but mostly how you feel about yourself. Here, I found a good definition that explains what self-esteem is, along with some insight into where it comes from:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
A Three Factor Operational Definition of SELF-ESTEEM


Self-Esteem could be defined as: What our unconscious believes to be true about how worthy, lovable, valuable and capable we are.


Our self-esteem is very dependent on factors within our environment. It is formed as a result of our years of experiences (especially the early ones). It could be said that one’s eyes and ears record the messages they receive from others, especially those most important to them. Because one’s unconscious accepts all words and emotions as facts no matter how legitimate or based in reality, one’s self-esteem is being continuously constructed and reconstructed by what is encountered in the mirror of others verbal and non-verbal messages


Research into the nature of self-esteem produces three factors that strongly correlate with self-esteem. Each of the factors/components outlined below is separate but interrelated. In the attempt to better understand and/or promote self-esteem in oneself and others, addressing these three components can help clarify our efforts.


INTERNAL LOCUS OF CONTROL: This factor is defined by one’s sense of internal causality and orientation toward personal responsibility. The more internal our LOC, the more we feel like our destiny is in our own hands. It could be contrasted to seeing life as a series of accidents or “things that happen to us.”

It comes from: recognizing that our actions result in consequences, seeing cause and effect relationships related to success and failure, being given power and control with an expectation of using them responsibly.


SENSE OF BELONGING AND ACCEPTANCE: This factor reflects how much one feels wanted and a part of the group, and how much one likes and accepts themselves as they are. The more one feels accepted and acceptable, the more they are able to express themselves, act authentically and be fully present to others. Self- acceptance could be contrasted to self-aggrandizement or a compulsion to please.

It comes from: accepting messages from VIPs (including self-talk), practicing a positive approach and attitude, experiencing emotional safety, and the ability to separate our performance from who we are.



SENSE OF COMPETENCE: This factor relates to one’s self-efficacy or how “good at things” one thinks they are. Our unconscious is getting continuous data related to our relative level of competence. If we interpret our experience as progress and/or success we become more confident and more inclined to take risks in the future. Success breeds success. This sense of competence could be contrasted to a defeatist attitude or the need to brag/show off.

It comes from: achievement, taking risks that pay off, having special talents, recognition of those talents from others, and others’ constructive feedback.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">from http://www.calstatela.edu/faculty/js...elf-esteem.htm

[Rapunzel]

We could also acknowledge that locus of control can go both ways. Feeling like you don't have control of things in your life is generally not conducive to self-esteem, unless you feel like you are responsible for all the bad things. Some people feel like all the bad stuff is their fault, but none of the good stuff is under their control at all.

The ability to find and accept social support is also important (particularly the belief that one is able to make friends and feel supported, be liked, etc.).

Sense of competence makes a lot of sense to me. Lack of a sense of competence can be lethal. I read part of my brother's journals, and one major theme throughout his writing was that he was convinced that he could never make anything out of his life. Since life was pointless, he committed suicide. The scary thing is, my thoughts tend to go the same direction. I'm not actively suicidal right now, but T keeps bringing it up lately. Apparently I'm at risk.

Another factor I remember from a class is whether perceptions are global or specific. This one can go two ways too. If one thinks that bad things happen to everyone (global), then they won't be so upset when they experience bad things as they would if they believe that they are specifically targeted. But if we're talking about good things, if it's global then it's not so special as if one receives good things because they are singled out.

It seems like there was another factor too, which I can't quite remember. A couple of them tended to blur together. Maybe it was something about feeling like one deserves what happens to them. I'm not sure.

Here's another website though, about Attribution Theory:
http://www.as.wvu.edu/~sbb/comm221/chapters/attrib.htm

[Wants2Fly]

Thanks for the great info Rapunzel. I'm a little scattered tonight. But I will go over this more slowly in near futue.

[Wants2Fly]

I have read this information thoroughly, and it is not comforting. I believe that I am responsible for the way my life doesn't work, that my incompetence has consequences, and that I am responsible for being a person who finds it challenging to create nurturing personal relationships. I take full responsibility for being completely ordinary, a person who achieves ordinary results, who finds job competition challenging, who is often fearful and insecure.

I am sad tonight after a 3-hour job interview that included essay questions, a committee interview, and a teaching demonstration during which I forgot and flubbed a transition from one topic to another.

Ordinary, ordinary, ordinary. Or less than that. I create my own problems by not having self-esteem, which causes me to be have defensively and in prickly ways in relationships. I am smart but really, it just doesn't matter in many ways.

[Wants2Fly]

After this 3-hour interview process today I just feel so not good enough, like an idiot who muffs every opportunity, and that my personality is at the base of it, not competence, that I offended my chair last week by not being collegial, and that "that's it" so to speak.

I am 58, and I wonder if the pain of being do gosh darn insecure ever ends, ever gets any better. Is there ever a time in life when I get to step out with confidence and feeling good about myself and not completely beating myself up about every little way in which I am not perfect.

(((((((((Wants2fly))))))))))) I know what you mean. I'm waiting for something inside of me to break-in a good way. You know? Like, when an abused wife gets so fed up with being beaten up she totally loses it, lashes out and beats up the husband?
But instead of it being a husband beating me up-it's me beating me up and one day I'll just jump up and beat the side of me beating me up, down.
Hmmm, does that make any sense?
Anyway, I think it's a matter of determination and courage. A will to believe in yourself.
We can put so much energy into beating ourselves down, can't we turn it around and apply that same energy towards protecting and loving ourselves?

[Juliana]

Wants2Fly said: "What is self-esteem? Is it certainty? Confidence? "I'm sure I'm a good friend, loving mate, caring mother, competent and motivated employee? I have been wondering if insecurity is a somewhat bigger category than self-esteem."

That's a good question. I think I have high self-esteem. I have confidence in my abilities, my own happiness is important to me, I like who I am, etc. I do have plenty of insecurities, though.

Here are just two:

I'm insecure when it comes to dating. I worry I might always be alone. I don't see that as a self-esteem issue though. I feel like I'm worthy of being loved, and I don't want to change who or how I am. I get frustrated because I'm so rarely attracted to men. I feel like the odds of me finding one attractive who happens to feel the same way about me and us actually clicking emotionally and intellectually are pretty slim... Ugh. Sometimes I think I have a better chance of winning the lotto.

I sometimes feel insecure in a social setting where lots of schmoozing and small talk is required, i.e. a reception or cocktail party. Sometimes I'm "on" and do very well, but other times, if I'm tired and have had a very busy, draining day at work and haven't had enough "me" time, I feel "all peopled out." I tend to need more alone time than most people (that's when I recharge) and if I haven't had enough alone time, making idle, polite conversation can be such a struggle for me. Maintaining or having to START a conversation seems like such a huge effort at those times. I worry that the people I'm talking with can tell I'm not interested in the conversation and my mind is wandering and I'm struggling to stay focused. That can make me feel insecure. I am the communications person for a university, so I have to mingle and talk to everyone on social occasions. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to communicate.

[Juliana]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Wants2Fly said:I am smart but really, it just doesn't matter in many ways.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I relate to that. I feel that way sometimes too. What's the point of having a ridiculously high IQ? I do very well on tests, but high test scores don't make for a happy life. My mum told me that when I was a little girl, our doc told her I was going to struggle with anxiety and depression because I was intellectually and musically "gifted" as a child. He said high intelligence and mental issues often go hand-in-hand... worrying, overthinking, stress, etc. So, I often wish I had more emotional intelligence (less pointless worrying and analyzing) instead. I would be willing to trade a few dozen IQ points in exchange for a more peaceful mind.

P.S. When do you find out if you got the job? You're probably being way too hard on yourself. You probably did much better than you think you did. I'm sending positive vibes your way. I hope you get the job!!!

[Wants2Fly]

Thank you, Juliana. I had two of the fund-raising veeps at my former university as graduate students. They woked very hard. It was a lot of stress.

I find out at by the end of the month. Thank you for asking. I will let everyone know.

[Wants2Fly]

PS Juliana -- I feel the same way about Emotional Intelligence. When I was quite young, my brother, working as a welder in a large factory, said, "I never want to be like you are your friends. You think too much. Me and my friends, we get together on the weekend, have a few beers, and lay a driveway for one of us."

Sounds rather idyllic, doesn't it?

a Pdoc told me that highly intelligent and creative people are more likely to be depressed, anxious, etc. i told him that i'd take being a little dumber and not so depressed.....

wants, i believe that you're "thinking" yourself to death over this. and i understand that because i do it too. i nearly drove myself crazy the week that i thought i had the cervical cancer. researched, read, thought, thought, thought..........

sometimes we just have to let go and let our higher power help us out of the hole............love you to death, pat.......

[Wants2Fly]

You are so right, Pat. Thank you for reminding me to let go. Sometimes I am like a bulldog with a stick in its mouth.

And please, do not love me to death, lol.

[Juliana]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Wants2Fly said:
PS Juliana -- I feel the same way about Emotional Intelligence. When I was quite young, my brother, working as a welder in a large factory, said, "I never want to be like you are your friends. You think too much. Me and my friends, we get together on the weekend, have a few beers, and lay a driveway for one of us."

Sounds rather idyllic, doesn't it?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

It does. LOL. I do sometimes envy how contented my little brother is. He works in a slaughterhouse. He cracks me up. He told me he likes his job because he works with animals. So, I said, "but the animals are dead"... and he responded, "but they're alive for a little while." He likes to watch tv, get together with friends once in a while and listen to music and smoke pot, has a girlfriend he loves, loves his daughter (although wishes he could see her more often)... He has all he needs to be happy. He doesn't overthink anything. He just goes with the flow and he's contented.

When I was a kid, the school wanted me to skip 3 grades. I'm thankful that my mum said NO to that. She was sort of the opposite of me when she was a child. She had trouble learning and failed 2 grades. She always felt like she didn't belong because she wasn't in classes with kids her own age. She didn't want me to feel the same way. She thought that me developing socially with kids my own age was more important than jumping grades. I was already the smallest kid -- even amongst kids my own age. I'm glad she made that decision. I often felt different because of the way I am, but I didn't have to deal with the added struggle of being the youngest kid in the class.

I wish you didn't have to wait so long to hear the results of your job interview. 3 hours sounds so intense. Ugh. I'm not surprised you found it stressful. I'm keeping everything crossed for you. It's going to be hard to function this way.

[Perna]

Self-esteem, for me, is just being able to center myself; know who I am and where I'm coming from and not be so concered with what someone else is doing.

It's not so much "remembering" I'm a great friend, hard worker, etc. as it is being aware of my personal resources; that I can count on intelligence, humor, creativity, curiosity and other traits. When things feel like they aren't going so well, I can stop and "check my heart" (as my T taught me to do) and get recentered so I know what I want and what's next for me.

I'm going out of town next week for a week-long, group project and it has gotten stressful getting ready, relationships are fraying a bit and we're getting on one another's nerves, etc. I got snapped at (for being helpful) and overstepped someone else's boundaries (making sure they understood what to do) so I've stepped back and decided on my own course of action to take within the group. I'm still going to be the same old, helpful :-) team player but a little quieter and more concerned with what I, specifically am supposed to be doing instead of worrying so much about the team as a whole; that's not my job. I'll still volunteer for things but wait until volunteers are asked for instead of looking for what needs to be done, pointing it out and working on it. It appears not everyone agrees with what needs to be done or how to do it :-) I have been doing most of the work up until now so I'll just do a little sitting back and let others pick up some slack. But to me, self-esteem is being able to re-assess what's going on around you relative to yourself and your goals and not get down on yourself if "corrections" are needed.

[Wants2Fly]

So glad that works for you, Perna.

i now have a really good visual of you for when you come to Austin. you'll have a stick in your mouth............

[Rapunzel]

Wants2, are you feeling any better? I'd like to know how you did on the interviews too. I'm sorry I fell behind on this thread. The information that I posted doesn't make me feel better either. It makes me rather hopeless about having any self-esteem because I'm not on the good side of any of those criteria. But I can look at it and say no wonder I have no self-esteem. The idea is to look at your beliefs and maybe see if you can change some of them. Deep down, do you really believe that you are more responsible for or more deserving of bad things than other people are? Or is there maybe some room for luck? And if you are responsible for the bad things, do you give yourself credit for the good things? If the bad ones aren't luck, then how can the good ones be entirely luck? So see if you can go through your beliefs like that and challenge any of them that aren't helping you.

But, yeah, I'm in the same boat with you. And it does seem like there are a lot of intelligent, creative people who have low self-esteem and depression, and who keep beating up on ourselves. So why do we keep doing that?

You can work on emotional intelligence too. When you notice an area where you wish you were different, just keep working on that area until you are more happy with it. And feel free to send my own advice back to me, because I need it too.

Rap

[Wants2Fly]

Rap. Everything you write has meaning for me.

I don't read much anymore, but I got the Emotional Intelligence tapes to play in the car on the commute to work. Right now, I am listening to Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. There is lots of good stuff there -- stuff I know, but of which I need reminders. Even though that book was written in the 1930s, the truths about human nature and relationships never grow old.

Thank you so much for remembering about the job and asking. I will find out by the end of the month, I believe. Another local job at a different school is open, so I hope that at least one of these will come through for me.

[kimhall01]

Hello everyone. I am new to this site and to this forum. I was reaind through things and found my way here and after reading this post almost fell over! I have been batteing self esteem issues all my life and insecurity has been a "war wound" of that battle. My ex husband did not help by verbally and mentally abusiing me throughout my short marriage, but the biggest blow to my self esteem came from my car accident (which I was not at fault for), that disabled me, made me lose my job and gain 15 pounds from inactivity, spinal surgery and medications.
My insecurities are so bad I can't stand looking at magazines wth beautiful, in shape, sexy women and my new husband has to worry about getting his head bit off if he looks at them or chimes in with the boys about a babbe going by. I really don't kbnow what to do. I am on weight watchers, have purchased 5 different self esteem books, but I still can not stand myself the majority of the time. ANy thoughts ?

Originally Posted by ;381630

(((((((((Wants2fly))))))))))) I know what you mean. I'm waiting for something inside of me to break-in a good way. You know? Like, when an abused wife gets so fed up with being beaten up she totally loses it, lashes out and beats up the husband?
But instead of it being a husband beating me up-it's me beating me up and one day I'll just jump up and beat the side of me beating me up, down.
Hmmm, does that make any sense?
Anyway, I think it's a matter of determination and courage. A will to believe in yourself.
We can put so much energy into beating ourselves down, can't we turn it around and apply that same energy towards protecting and loving ourselves?

[tmogavero]

Yes, i have often felt the same way the hardest part for me is always comparing myself to others and seeing things that make someone a great person is hard to find in yourself often making me get down and not wanna talk to others or even interact because my level of self worth is so low people try to bring me up but without my drive i have gone no where and hope this website will allow me to share this wth others and look for help

[Wicksey]

Originally Posted by Wants2Fly

What is self-esteem? Is it certainty? Confidence? "I'm sure I'm a good friend, loving mate, caring mother, competent and motivated employee?

I have been wondering if insecurity is a somewhat bigger category than self-esteem.

I mean -- I can be insecure about whether I am loveable and loving in friendships and family relationships; whether I am competent and employable.

And self-esteem/confidence seem to be the cure.

But I also can be insecure/fearful about many other things -- climate change, death, Armegeddon, income etc.

Any insights anyone?

Hi Wants to fly

i don't know if this might help. I believe in this formula Self Awareness + Self Acceptance = Self Assurance, I also believe that self esteem is found within Self Assurance.
The only problem is that it is a long journey and takes time to discover our awareness and then to accept our selves for whom we are, I think the good news is that we are continually building our self esteem as we progress. Self awareness is the beginning.
I don’t think we can progress on until we have achieved each stage in sequence a bit like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I may be wrong I would be interested on your thoughts.

Kind regards Wicksey

[LoneRose]

Just wanted to recommend a great book i have borrowed from my pdoc: "Overcoming low selfesteem" by Melanie Fennell

has many answers

[Miracle1986]

I just wanted to say..... ((((wants2fly))))
I have self-esteem and insecurity issues and this thread has helped me too...