When little things knock us down

I've been noticing how it's often some relatively little thing that knocks the wind out of our sails . .

We look for confirmation of self-worth in outer conditions, what other people tells us, how our lives our going . . .

Instead of to the inner. I know how CBT tells us to write down the counter arguments to straighten out the stinkin' thinkin' but the Forums are an important way that I get that input -- kind of like letting other people to the CBT work for me. Does that mean that using the Forums as a reality check means that I'm still looking outside of myself, to other people, for approval.

Here's something that has discouraged me this week. I got a small freelance assignment. This work was sample work that I am submitting to my client who is trying to land a bigger client that would provide me with good paying work for 4-6 weeks.

I can be obsessive about my writing. And there were some very strict requirements about how these pieces were to be done. So I took quite a long time to do them.

When I submitted my hourly bill, as per agreement, I made it clear that all charges were negotiable. Before I even started work on the assignment, I said that I wanted the larger job to be paid by the piece, so that I absorb the costs of perfectionism, not the client.

My client accepted my bill without flinching. He deals solely with Fortune 500 companies, and I am sure he bills at a rate of hundreds of dollars per hour. I would expect that my billing seems puny to him.

But he did comment that my work times seemed long. I wrote back and agreed that 3-4/hour of these short blurbs was a pace I would be able to manage once I was in full swing.

But now I wonder if I should have lied about how long the pieces took me so my complete times where more in line with expectations. And if he is going to give the work to someone else if the big job comes through.

I am really beating myself up for not handling this better.

I also had a telephone interview for a good job yesterday, and I am really worried that I won't get invited to the next round of interviews.

We need to get back to the self-esteem and support , support, support
I have been very self centered today and feel embarass for this
Angie

Gotta confess, I didn't read the whole post, Hun. Stopped when I read "maybe I should have lied." Nope! And stop beating yourself up for it. You did what you thought best; you were HONEST. That's a virtue so be proud of yourself, ok? Pat yourself on the back GENTLY instead of beating yourself up, ok?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wants2}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Angie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Sometimes we need to be self-centered. I can't find fault with someone like you who gives so much to the community. So there! LOL

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oooooooh I love this I gots a raspberry plffffff back at ya toots

So sorry that my post got off my own topic as I rambled -- the point was to try to find ways to combat the little things that knock us down and get back on track again.

One way for me is to put what's bothering me out there -- then someone like September comes along and puts it in a different context, and I see the thing I'm beating myself up for isn't so bad after all.

But that belonged on another Forum, maybe anxiety or general, not here. Please excuse while I get used to the focus of this Forum.

Hey! This is YOUR thread so how can you hijack it? Besides, you're not off topic. Beating ourselves up is part of our low self-esteem, right?

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Wants2Fly, this was such an insightful thread.

I didn't respond sooner because I wasn't in a very good mood.

I've accepted what's happened with the girl next door and at least it finally stopped my nearly two years of wondering about her.

She now assumes that I'm the only one who's going to feed "her" stray cat because I keep doing it. She'll have to do it herself from now on.

All I can say about her is TOO BAD, BEEOTCH!

Ouch. Iggy, your response to someone liking you only as a friend is a little frightening. I imagine that your intensity might scare women off. So, I'm concluding that if a woman that you're attracted to doesn't have reciprocal attraction toward you, then you hate her. It sounds like you might have had the capacity to be friends and now you're blowing it because you feel rejected. She might have merely felt noncommital to the person she was on the phone with. Maybe it was her mother who tends to pry, so she didn't want to say how she really felt. It could have been a number of things, including that she just wanted to be friends with you. And now you're turning around and calling her a beeotch. Nice.

I would be afraid to go on a date with you because you take rejection so hard. It would make it impossible for a woman to make a natural decision one way or another, because you seem to pile on so much pressure to not disappoint you. If everyone loved the first person they dated, then people would get married at 15. You don't leave women a graceful 'out' if for WHATEVER reason, they decide not to pursue things with you.

Even if you don't say these things to a woman in person, I'm sure it shows through. Resentment that runs so deep is very difficult to mask.

Yup. I don't want to say that I "dated" a lot when I was younger -- let's just say I "ran around" quite a bit. I was a reporter, fairly good looking, interesting -- and some guys would get really intense so quickly that it was obvious that they wanted me to live their lives for them, meet all their needs, be the answer to their prayers and dreams. I also found that with guys who were this intense, but seemed "nice," the "you're a *****" response was fairly common if I said I didn't want to date or continue a relationship. Nice on the surface, simmering underneath.

This was not about their looks. It was about the subtle energies of neediness coming off them.

Just to offer another POV.

You have to understand, I have ZERO experience in this area. I don't "hate" her for not thinking I'm attractive. Never said that. What I don't like is that she had been so nice to me and then not only said she didn't like my looks but also ignored me when I went to say hi the next time. Wouldn't any normal person have a problem with that? I can only conclude her being nice to me wasn't sincere. Some people just feel obligated to talk to those they don't really like when in a situation they can't just walk away from or it's the "neighborly"thing to do. Her true colors showed when she ignored me like the plague and that's how I'm going to be from now on. One day, I'll finally learn not to put myself in positions where the only outcome is rejection.

When did she say she didn't like your looks?

No, 'normal' people would not have a problem with someone 'ignoring' them when you went to say hi. They would have assumed that the other person didn't hear or had something on their mind. Jumping to such an extreme conclusion is a sign of an unhealthy perspective, Guy.

"True colors" ... wow; that is VERY judgemental. I'm not saying so as criticism. Rather, it would be great if you could think about how others would perceive you saying such a thing to them. What if someone distrusted you in such a manner? Wouldn't you think that was unfair?

Hey Iggy -- I found a really good thread on "rejection sensitivity" -- have you read it yet?

(actually -- just do a search. When I posted the link, it made this thread really hard to read)

I hope it helps!

Thanks, LMo. I kind of see your point about the conclusions I've reached. A good friend of mine has told me the same things, also from a woman's perspective and that I should see all that's happened as a positive. I wish I could but I can't.

I'm just SO used to rejection, I feel the towel should be thrown in.

Did I say towel? Here comes a South Park quote: "Everyone could use a fresh towel!" LOL LOL

"Don't forget to bring a towel!!!!"

Okay, without trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about or sounding like a therapist, can we talk about "your childhood"?

What are/were your parents like? Siblings?

I had a great childhood (until about age 10 or so) and a very good relationship with my parents. My mother was like a best friend to me who I could share anything with and very open minded for someone her age (she would have been 82 now). My father was more conservative but also very supportive. No complaints about my parents. I also have a good relationship with my older brother. I've never been one of those to "blame the family" for my problems.

LOL Yeah, it did! Did you try using the URL code, Lee Ann?

Iggy, here's a link to a DBT site that deals with body image. I found CBT quite interesting and down to brass tacks. Check it out and see what you think.

CBT and Body Image

It's something to at least think about but experience tells me it's not just in my head.

SeptemberMorn, you're sweet for not giving up on me.

BTW, is there a nick name I can call you too? Typing isn't one of my better areas, you know.

Yep! You can call me either Tomi or Sept. Four letters each, so take your pick.

Iggy, your body image, the way you present yourself, etc, all comes from the way you think of yourself. We need to work on changing the way THINK! Check out that CBT. It shows you how to change your thinking. Will be glad to work on it here, if you want.

Gosh dang it! Can't figure out what looks worse; no sig at all or all screwed up. Wonder what the Hades is going on??

Just ignore me. Just venting a little. LOL

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It's something to at least think about but experience tells me it's not just in my head.

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As your friend, I will say I don't trust what you call 'your experience'. There is a lot open to interpretation in your stories, and you have shown that you translate your perception into 'experience'.

I will repeat the question: have you ever been evaluated for BDM? And if not, then why not?

I'm sorry, LMO. I haven't answered your question because the answer is no. I've read about not only the condition but I've also read many posts by people in various forums who are supposed to have it and they at least have far more normal relationships with the opposite sex than I could only wish for.

That's why I think it's more than "in my head".

oh. my. god.

I'm having a difficult time not flying down there and dragging your *** into therapy, you know that, right?