He's at it again TRIGGERED

As some of you know, I had the court commissioner hearing Wednesday. My ex didn't get his way and the commissioner insisted he give my daughter her prescribed medication whether he likes it or not. She asked if he's even talked to the doctor about his concerns and he said no, but he would now. Not once in her entire life has he given a rat's behind about her welfare until the court steps in and makes him do something he doesn't want to do. Now he's going to make a fuss and call the doctor and give his "informed" medical opinion. I've already talked to the doctor extensively about this, asking if he believes she needs it, and he's said yes she does, without question.

It's not something my daughter doesn't want to do. She knows it helps; the doctor, her and I have talked about it together and she's had input. But her dad doesn't want her on it, so she gets headaches and stomachaches from the anxiety of taking it behind his back. She gets sick even when she's not taking it.

He asks her if she's been taking it. She said not this week. He never called to ask me why I didn't give it to her. He just pulls this sneaky b.s. and then says in court that I haven't been giving it to her. I can't stand to see my daughter torn up inside over it, so I decided to give her a break this week until the court stepped in.

She's this beautiful, sweet, sensitive little girl with the biggest heart, and I'm afraid he's going to crush her the same way he crushed me, and I can't stand to see it. I'm trying so hard to stand up to him and fight, and I keep hitting a wall.

Ive tried so hard to do it without help, and now that I have people to listen, everything is coming out in a flood and it's overwhelming to the point of being crippling. I keep falling almost asleep, and then it's like getting an electric shock that jolts me out of my relaxed state, like someone walked into a dark room and flipped a switch on without notice, only it's my brain that's getting turned on.

He knows when the kids aren't with me, the only thing I have is my job, and now he's e-mailed at 10:30 and demanded I return my work computer to him by 6:30 tonight. That doesn't give me enough time to even clean it out. I talked to a crisis hotline and was told I don't have to do anything on his schedule and need more time and we wrote him a note together that I will gladly return it, but not until Tuesday due to my work schedule. It's a computer he wants strictly for recreational purposes. I need it to earn a living. He paid for it, it's my son's, but he loaned it to me indefinitely last year when my other computer died. Now he wants it back with 20 hours notice.

I hate how he does this see-saw of being helpful and cooperative until someone crosses him or makes him feel belittled (like the commissioner did today) and then he lashes out and tries to manipulate me by putting a "please" and "thank you" around a message meant to knock me down.

(((((((((((((((((((( wi ))))))))))))))))))

i know i've come into this late. i'm so sorry for the "hell" you're going thru. i applaud your wanting only what is best for your daughter.

about the computer, has there been a divorce with a separation agreement? if so, what does the agreement say about the computer? if it says nothing, i would do nothing (except clean it up in case i had to let go of it quickly). he could take you to court and let the judge decide. also, if divorce is pending, i would clean it up and still wait for judge to decide...unless, of course, you don't want another fight which i can SO understand.

however, if this has happened since the divorce and it was a loan, you'll have to return it and i think sending a letter explaining that you will, at a certain time in the near future, will suffice. make sure to keep a copy of the letter and send it to him certified mail. there's your intention should he decide to "play dirty". your request would be reasonable in the eyes of any authority, i would think.

this is just what i would do, based on my knowledge.

i wish you well and thinking of you and yours right now.

kd

Thanks KD. Hugs.

The computer was a loan. But he knows it will take several days to get another computer work-ready and another day or two to get this one cleared of my personal information. He knows I will have to take time off of work in order to return it on his terms. I do not get sick days or vacation days. I would be losing $130 a day and I live paycheck to paycheck. I can't afford to take any time off. I'm already struggling to work because of the anxiety I'm fighting right now.

It's just his way of abusing me. He knows not being able to pay the bills is one of my biggest fears. My other fear is losing my kids to him. If I can't make money, I can't take care of my kids, can I?

I didn't sleep all night long. I feel like walking dead this morning and my stomach is on fire.

SOMETHING is not right at his house. My daughter came home sick with stomach pains yesterday and then she fell asleep on my couch almost as soon as she got here. I have a feeling she's just not feeling safe at his place right now, and since there's no physical abuse I have no grounds to get them away from him.

you're welcome. love your baby girl's heart. it sounds like anxiety might be affecting her greatly

i'm sending peaceful wishes your and your daughter's ways.

love,

kd

I need to try and work, but I come in here looking for support and then I can't leave.

I feel so crippled and helpless and useless right now. I'm no good to my job or the patients or the doctors. There's a 2 hour time difference, it's only 5:30 in Cali, and I need to talk to the CFO, let him know I'm struggling and that I know my job could be in jeopardy, but I'm doing my best right now. I need to let them know why my work is slacking right now and that I'm working on getting things better.

I have an appointment to see someone at the domestic abuse shelter on Monday morning, but I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 4 days until then. Once my kids get here tonight I'll feel a little better, but I have to put in a full day's work today (on no sleep), tomorrow, and make up about half a day's work over the weekend, if not try to get ahead knowing next week will probably be another struggle.

Can anyone help me with suggestions on how to explain to the kids that dad's way of hurting me isn't with his fists, but with his words and actions? The marital settlment agreement says I can't use derogatory statements when referring to their father or I'll be in contempt of court. So how do I explain how he emotionally beat me down to the point of an SA five years ago and I'm trying to protect them from feeling that bad about themselves now?

wi, i wish i could help you there. my ex was extremely verbally/emtionally abusive and twice physically abusive.

my daughter is now 23 and ready to be married. she still doesn't know any of this. i never told her the ugliness. however, her father became the "perfect father" when we divorced. i'd do it all over again, just for that reason.

i wish i knew what to tell you. i wouldn't tell them anything unless they asked. they might just want to stay "away" from it when they can. if they asked, i would cautiously answer ONLY what they asked...depending on ages.

i know this isn't much help you're going to the domestic abuse shelter...can you ask their advice on this? they're well skilled in this area. also, have you looked into therapy for yourself and your children?

i wish you well. gl today at work dear.

kd

I can't afford therapy, but found out Harbor House is free, and they have support groups Monday through Thursday. She believed they also have children's support groups, but I know my son would be against being in group, maybe even my daughter.

Getting my children into individual therapy will be one more thing they'll have to hide from their dad. After my SA, I saw the employee assistance counselor for a couple of times, and every time I came home he'd grill me on what we talked about, how she was trying to turn me against him and hate him. He made it difficult for me, and my job didn't like me taking time off work to see her, so I quit after 3 sessions. He also doesn't believe other people need to know about our problems, and doesn't like being told that maybe he should change his ways by people in a place of authority over him. Hence the retaliation using the computer when he was told that a filled prescription is proof enough for the courts that my daughter needs meds. He HATES ever being told his word is not final.

wi, most county health systems in the US have community health centers that are based on income, size of family, etc. you could also ask the judge to order hubby to pay for it if judge deems it will help the kids...just a thought? that could happen if the kids are showing massive stress, especially with physical symptoms the a dr would think stress related. you might want to talk with your atty about that?

it just might work and counselor could help kids with understanding and they could talk with someone all their own and not worry about upsetting either of you.

gl and let me know, k?

kd

My attorney has already suggeste they seek therapy, along with the Lutheran Aid Association counselor I saw two weeks ago.

They have insurance coverage under their dad and he's responsible for their medical expenses, but since it's for treatment he doesn't deem necessary, he balks at paying.

I'm not trying to make up excuses. They WILL get into counseling one way or the other, I just want to avoid the sneaky way so I don't counteract the reason they're seeking help in the first place.

wi, let him "balk". if he wants what's best for his children, he'll balk and get over it. if he's responsible for medical and has insurance, i'd do it in a heartbeat. make sure with atty just what financial responsibility would be yours and go for it!

sounds like he's balking at alot...this will be something worthwhile for him to balk over.

gl. let me know. this is something i would definitely do though...just my personal opinion

kd

Just IMd one of the account managers and expressed my fear of losing my job due to my lack of production lately. She says I have nothing to worry about and they'll be there for me if I need them. She even asked how the kids are doing. I'm not going to take it as a sign that I can crawl in a corner and hide from the world for days, but now I know I can take a breather when I need it and not feel like I have to work nonstop to keep work caught up. Of course, I still have to meet my personal goals just to cover expenses, but I don't have to stress about losing the money AND the job if I start to fall behind. There's always the weekend to get caught up at a leisurely pace if I don't let myself get too far behind.

She also informed me that the tech guy is "really busy" right now and won't be able to remove programs from my machine for a couple days. Getting new people up and running and keeping accounts happy takes priority.

I can't release this computer to someone else without them being removed, or they could access the account.

So, I guess I'll chug a Coke, take some Sudafed and some Tums and hope the caffeine and antihistamines will give me a temporary boost of energy without chewing up my stomach more.

Thanks for the ear KD. Huuuuuuugs

((((((((((((((((((((((( wi )))))))))))))))))))))))))) good self care at calling work! well done.

take a breather for the moment, and regain some of those resources.

be safe,

kd

KD, I kept getting these "blocked number" calls this morning. I thought maybe it was the ex doing it. I finally thought to call Harbor House back and ask if they block their numbers. They do and it was them. The person I was going to talk to on Monday is going to be gone, so they rescheduled me with someone else.

They have a Wednesday night group from 6-8 and at the same time they have a group for kids 6-12 to talk or learn or do art projects, but if they don't want to participate they don't have to. I asked what about my 14-y/o and they said she could join in or she could watch TV. i was worried she'd be stuck on her own. "OK, honey, I'm going in this room to talk, your brother's going in this room, and you're left by yourself." so that's a relief.

I'm really nervous about stepping into a group of people I don't know and starting to talk in person. On the phone or online it's OK, but I get feeling insignificant IRL and thinking no one wants to hear what I have to say.

wi, i'm hoping you'll find several ppl there that will be able to relate with you and, once you open your mouth to speak, you're going to get so much relation that you don't want to shut it!

i think this is a great thing. good for the kids too. you're on your way, lady. kudos!

kd

OK, now I'm almost getting too much attention. LOL

The outreach center person for Harbor House called me because she's closer to me than the main center. She's going to drive to my town tomorrow morning and we'll meet at the Police Dept. conference room to talk so I don't have to take extra time out of my work day just for the commute. The PD is about a 2 minute walk across the bank parking lot instead of a 35 minute drive to the main place.

She does one-on-one with kids, too. I think my son would do best with that so no one hears what he has to say except the counselor. I think they both hold things in for fear of getting one of us in trouble. As long as they don't say they're being hurt or going to hurt themselves, everything they say is confidential. Which I already knew, but the kids don't.

She even has a support group that meets here in town, but she's working on rescheduling it for a day and time that works for everyone.

This is so great, I don't have to drive and drive miles from my little 3000 population town now when I don't have a lot of free time.

Wow! I am so glad you found Harbor House!

WOOHOO, wi! now, we're talking

i'm happy for you all.

kd

I have to leave in about 10 minutes to pick up the kids. My eyeballs feel like sandpaper from lack of sleep and working at the computer all day, but I forced myself to put on some makeup so it's not so noticeable that I'm really tired.

I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of knowing he can disrupt my sleep.

I have the confidentiality and security agreement from work to take with me so I can go "seeee, it says right here the programs need to be deleted if the computer isn't going to be used for their work." And because there are so many programs with weird names, we peons without tech knowledge might miss some. The tech guy won't be in until Sunday. That'll give me time to clear out all my online history and passwords and files and everything. I can't believe the was expecting me to just drop everything to fit his entertainment schedule. No, I take that back. I CAN believe he would do it.

I hate when he does that. Why can't he be a 100% jerk or 100% nice instead of always keeping me wondering when he's gonna pull a jerk maneuver.

My son hopped in the car and I said I wasn't able to bring the computer and why and he was all 'oh, OK, cool' and the ex was fine with it too, all "Oh, yeah, I suppose for security reasons."



Like just being an inconvenience to expect me to bring it today wasn't a good enough reason to wait a few more days.



But the kids are here and I know what they're up to. I think tonight I'll take a Unisom and maybe I'll finally be able to nod off knowing my babies are safe and sound.

I still need to do some work though, and I need to hop to it while my son is at hunter safety and my daughter's at the community center. :red_eyes: