Well, been reading a lot of posts and many times I've read the importance of forgiving and moving on.

As a child I was severly neglected (according to my T. )and emotionally abused. Still having a hard time realizing that it was abuse towards me though-- batteling the thought that I must have done something to have a mother treat her child the way she did. I've tried so hard at putting all that way behind me, as I know I'm raising two teen boys that have respect and much love in their hearts - so I made a conscious effort not to continue the cycle.

The thing is... my mom is still similar towards me. As she is aging I'm the only offspring that lives near-- I'm the youngest-- everyone else has moved hundereds of miles away , so I feel obligated to take care of her needs. It's just so damn hard to deal with the relationship- I find I don't have forgiveness, as she is still hurting me. The way she is hurting is a bit different than when I was a child of course- but still the feelings are so raw. I can't move on and forgive her!!! This makes me feel like I must have a " cold heart ". Then my internal dialogue starts in-- telling me what an awful person I am- how I don't deserve anything good- it asks what is wrong with me that I can't forgive her.
Is it too much to ask, if someone is still being hurt??-- or perhaps I have a cold heart??

To anyone that reads this.... Thanks

Mandy

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((2B1))))))))))))))))

You most certainly DO NOT have a cold heart. Your hurting for the past and the present and you have every right to hurt. I have a similar relationship with my father and I find it so difficult to cut ties even though he continues to hurt me to this day. I often think I am a glutten for punishment but then I think maybe I'm still hoping and praying he will love me.
Forgivness is hard. I dont even think I know how. I think that you are a kind, loving and gentle person that cared enough of yourself and your children to break the cycle of abuse. For that you should feel proud.

Do not feel obligated to tend to the needs of your mother. You have your own needs and the needs of your children that should be met first. I know this situation is a difficult one for you and I am sorry. PM me if you ever need to. I just wanted you to know that your not cold-hearted. Your just hurting.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((2B1)))))))))))))))))))))

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((mandy)))))))))) (if ok) -

I really don't believe you have a cold heart. That's from what I'v seen from you in posts and in chat. Also, I believe that if you truly *did* have a cold heart, you would never even wonder if you had a cold heart. And besides, the fact that you have two sons you obviously care for is further proof that you don't have a cold heart.

some people i think, do find it possible to forgive their abusers. others do not. i think ozzie has a good suggestion about creating an emotional distance. that way you can still have contact with her and look after her if you wish, but you won't be so easily hurt.

Jen,

Thanks for the reply.
You said-- " I often think I am a glutten for punishment but then I think maybe I'm still hoping and praying he will love me".

That's pretty much how I feel too. If I try just one more time-- maybe things will be different. But they never are.

I'm sorry your dad causes you such pain. What is it about a parent's love we always strive to receive?

You are so kind to say such nice things... thank you.

Thanks for the PM offer, might take you up on that-- same goes for me-- you can PM me anytime.

Mandy

silver_queen,

Thanks for *hugs*-- they are always OK with me. It's strange for never getting them as a child- I can receive them fine as an adult- just have a hard time giving them out sometimes. (not sure why?? might stem from feeling inferior) Also, thanks for your kind words- I appreciate it very much.

Mandy

Gee, I'm starting to feel whiney... like I just wanted attention....
I wish I could express my thoughts without feeling so guilty. I wonder if I'll ever get there....

I thank you all for your replies.--- Mandy

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Well, been reading a lot of posts and many times I've read the importance of forgiving and moving on.

As a child I was severly neglected (according to my T. )and emotionally abused. Still having a hard time realizing that it was abuse towards me though-- batteling the thought that I must have done something to have a mother treat her child the way she did. I've tried so hard at putting all that way behind me, as I know I'm raising two teen boys that have respect and much love in their hearts - so I made a conscious effort not to continue the cycle.

The thing is... my mom is still similar towards me. As she is aging I'm the only offspring that lives near-- I'm the youngest-- everyone else has moved hundereds of miles away , so I feel obligated to take care of her needs. It's just so damn hard to deal with the relationship- I find I don't have forgiveness, as she is still hurting me. The way she is hurting is a bit different than when I was a child of course- but still the feelings are so raw. I can't move on and forgive her!!! This makes me feel like I must have a " cold heart ". Then my internal dialogue starts in-- telling me what an awful person I am- how I don't deserve anything good- it asks what is wrong with me that I can't forgive her.
Is it too much to ask, if someone is still being hurt??-- or perhaps I have a cold heart??

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

When it comes to a parent abusing a child, I do not think the child owes the parent any forgiveness. The parent doesn't deserve forgiveness.

However, if for a person to heal requires that he or she forgive someone else, then yes, forgiveness is a must. That hurting person deserves to get better.

I do not need to forgive my parents for their wrongdoings to me for me to heal. I think for me, I need to forgive myself and recognize I am worthy of love, respect, and tenderness. I am more willing to forgive a stranger than a parent who hurt me as a child.

I believe forgiveness is an innate quality that some people have and others have to learn. I believe anyone can learn to forgive if they choose to and their heart is ready. Whether you choose to forgive now or let more time pass before you forgive, you only forgive when you are ready.

By all means . . . forgiveness should never mean forget. Your past makes you who you are today. Same goes for the perpetrator of abuse. Someone who has a capacity to hurt children may have the capacity to repeat the crime. I could never trust anyone who hurts a child. Ever.

Do you have a cold heart? No. If you did you wouldn't be concerned about how well you treat your kids. I'd say you have a sensitive, tender heart. If you were cold, then it wouldn't hurt when you mother is cruel to you now. If you were cold, you wouldn't be trying to help your mother.

There's no way I'd tolerate any more cruelty from my parents. For me to feel safe, I have to keep out of their lives.

I wouldn't consider you having a cold heart either if you stopped helping your mother. By all means, your kids come first.

I hope you forgive yourself. ((((Huggs)))))

you don't have a cold heart. susan said that sometimes we have to distance ourselves from those who hurt us and i second that........as long as you let your mother have your power, she'll use it.......xoxox pat

Wow Jennie!

Thanks so much for your reply.... a lot in there to think about.

I totally agree with you on "a parent not deserving forgiveness when it comes to hurting a child".... but for me, that's the fine line I can't seem to cross.... I WAS a child but somehow hold myself responsible still. How strange that is, as I would never think it's the child's fault in ANY other case.

It's nice to hear others say that I'm not "cold " if I just can't forgive my mom. And there might be something to your idea about recognizing " I am worthy of love, respect and tenderness".

Thanks for your kind words too and -- *hugs*- are always appreciated!

Mandy

Pat,

What you said about my mom having my power--- that's real similar to what my T. has been telling me! Something on the lines: when you allow others to hurt you - you're giving away your power to them. ( if I would have listened better I could have had a more accurate quote ) Guess I should start listening more closely- if he's saying the same things Pat is!!

Thanks for your reply!

Mandy

i really do believe that anytime we let someone else take a piece of us, we're giving them our power.........and i do it more than i should...i should never do it.....

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Guess I should start listening more closely- if he's saying the same things Pat is!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yep, Pat is very insightful Sounds like your T is also!!!

Mandy, you are worthy of "love, respect, and tenderness." I also struggle with viewing my parents through the eyes of a child, which blames myself for their wrongdoings. Logically, I know it wasn't my fault but there is so much shame and pain inside that tells me otherwise.

take care of you ((((Mandy)))

Thanks again Pat for your support!! You are always so helpful.

Jennie,
Yes, " the shame and pain inside that tells me otherwise".... that's me for sure!

So sorry you have gone through similar.. ..sounds like you have a good direction you're going in now--- I wish you much healing! Thanks also, for your support.

Mandy

Mandy,

Ppl with cold hearts do not wonder if their heart is cold. It just IS! You , on the other hand, are concerned about this perception that you have a cold heart.

From the many responses you've received you can see that others are not in agreement with your guess of possibly having a cold heart. Takes a lot more to fool this bunch!

What you've written about and shared here shows me a person who is thoughtful, intelligent, and TRYING!!! You're working at this and it shows. You're facing this issue in therapy.

Keep at this. You're very human not frozed hearted

You're right _zh-- there are a bunch of very smart and caring people here, of course you included!!

I suppose what you say about me wondering, does infer that my heart isn't cold, otherwise I wouldn't wonder!!

Besides thinking about other threads regarding "forgiveness"-- I'm also currently going through some real stressful stuff in therapy and it seems to be putting my mind in overload with emotions.... I lean toward the negative when faced with feeling things I've held in. My T. has encouraged me to be less supportive of my mom as he knows the pain she manages to put me through.... it's been 2 weeks and I havn't even called her---- the guilt feeling is almost stifling--- not to mention the loss I'm feeling in coming to terms with the fact that I've never had nor ever will have a nurturing, supportive and caring parent. I've feared that letting go of that illusion will make me less than I am, somehow.

Thanks so much for your support. Yes, I am TRYING!!

Mandy