[wi_fighter]

I don't know what's wrong today. I started writing and remembering things from 20 years ago, remembering when I first started feeling controlled by this guy.

I don't know which came first, depression or abuse. Even if the depression did (which I suspect it did since I've always had low self esteem), was that an excuse for the abuse to start? I want to tell myself that everything IS my fault, that if I'd just listened to him we'd be a happy family, rich and retired by now (at 43 and 44 years old), living off Amway bonuses. I'm telling myself that it's all my fault, I brought on the abuse with my low moods and dish smashing.

I want to call him up and say "YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU WERE ALWAYS RIGHT. I was sleeping with every guy you thought I was and probably more. You're right. I deliberately sabotaged every get-rich-quick scheme you attempted by not supporting you. You're right. You rescued me from a life in a mental ward. You're right. If I'd just listened to you and smiled and pretended to be happy, I would BE happy. You're right. If I'd watched those porn videos you started bringing home, I'd be turned on nonstop and giving you delirious, several-times-daily blow jobs beyond your wildest imagination."

I know it's wrong to take all the blame, but shouldn't I take some responsibility for the abuse? Shouldn't I be saying if I wasn't depressed he wouldn't have had a reason to start putting me down, calling me crazy?

first of all, he wasn't right. get that???? and the feelings that you're having are normal but not correct.......you did the best you could then, with what you had........so, no beating yourself over the head today.......focus on something positive........like the friendships that you've forged here on Psych......xoxoxo p

[wi_fighter]

I think I know he wasn't/isn't right, but I can't help thinking that if he gave his side of the story on another message board, he'd be seen as the victim and me the abuser. He insists he never spills his guts to anyone, because it's no one else's business. He just keeps everything bottled up inside. Is that passive aggressive? Because he refuses to openly acknowledge his feelings of anything besides happiness and satisfaction, but displays his unhappiness by trying to control other people's joys and disappointments? When things don't go well, it's OUR fault for not listening to his advice. I'm having a hard time explaining it without going into another long description.

He didn't do well in school really, because he wasn't pushed. He did the bare minimum and partied the rest of the time; didn't go to college even though his dad was wealthy. So now he's pushing our kids to live up to expectations they can't possibly meet in order to gain favorable treatment, expectations he maybe wishes had been placed on him, and they're resenting it and/or feeling inadequate.

It's making me angry because no matter what I say, that maybe he shouldn't push so hard, I get shot down, told this is what they need to succeed in life instead of being supported and praised regarding the things they're already good at. His tactic is that their major achievements need to be ignored or barely acknowledged, and their failures emphasized and told how to be improved.

I want to go "Oh, OK, yeah you're right. I didn't follow your strict rules and look where I am now. Not dead and supporting myself and the kids."

[Eva1nder]

One thing shirly ... you can't control his actions and what it is he's doing ...his lies ...whatever he decides to post etc.

You're only driving yourself crazy and expending energy that is exhausting yourself.

You can only account for yourself. You know what happened. You're having a hard time understanding and maybe feeling guilty and deciphering what all the particulars ...blame etc.

That's why your going for help to make sense out of it all.

Your gonna take a long time to get help for yourself and then try to do the best you can with that and for your children.

Unfortunately, he'll be around because of the connection you share with your children. He's got problems, but you can't change his actions and what he chooses to do. Only what you choose to do and you do have choices.

[wi_fighter]

This morning, my son complained that his dad better be home when they get off the bus tonight, otherwise they'll be locked out of the house.

He installed new locks and hasn't given either of them a key. He installed a new lock a couple of years ago when the old doorknob wasn't working very well. The kids each had a key on them, even when they were here. Now his girlfriend's moved in and he needed to replace the locks again.

It took me right back to remembering when he accused me of stealing legal papers out of his mailbox so he would maybe miss court dates and look like an idiot. Makes me think he's suspicious that I'm driving over there and rummaging through and stealing their things. Why would I want to do that? Set foot in a house where all the things I used to own are being used by a new woman? I won't even set foot in it any more when I drive the kids over with their suitcases every other week.

I just want to tell him he was right, about everything, even though he wasn't, curl up in a ball and just disappear. Let him have everything, the kids, the house, his entire paycheck, a new wonderful life with no ex wife to interfere in any way ever again. Just let him wear my two beautiful kids down little by little, because he's going to do it whether I'm around or not.

I got in contact with Harbor House, had a 90 minute meeting two weeks ago, was told I'd hear back from her about some legal issues later that day or the next day. She hasn't called back. I haven't gotten to any support groups because I don't know how to explain it to the kids, and I haven't had the opportunity to go alone yet. I can't talk to my lawyer. He's useless in these kinds of matters, and almost all of my money has been eaten up.

My computer's not running right. The RAM I got last night isn't compatible, even though EVERYONE I talked to insisted it would be. If I can't find the right RAM, I don't have $400 for a new machine on top of all of these legal fees.

I just feel like everything's stacked against me right now.

everything is stacked against you right now....and you've helped stack it.....if a professional doesn't call you back, what do you do? take it personally and refuse to call her????? that's nonsense and you know it.....and you haven't been able to go to a support group because you can't explain it to your children.......are your children deaf, shirley????? you just don't want to go to a support group right now. you'd go if it was a priority....you're making excuses for yourself and your ex.....you get a key from that man for those children and get it asap...and quit whining.....now, before everyone jumps me, i know that i can tell her this and she will take it as i meant it to be taken.....she'll gulp and get some backbone and do what she needs to do.....taking care of herself and her children.......won't you???: xoxoxoxo pat p.s. if i can go do my stuff for school, why can't you take care of yourself and your children??? think about it.......

[wi_fighter]

She's right. Don't anyone go jumping her.

Except maybe on the support group thing. That one I'm downright scared of. It's a priority, but I'm letting fear win on that one.

I'm letting the a-hole get in my head and I'm believing him. I'm starting to take on characteristics of other emotional disorders because of it, and that's not acceptable in any way, shape or form. I divorced him to PREVENT getting beaten down further, and I haven't done much in the way of doing that, now have I?

He might have won a battle or two, but he's NOT going to win the war.

you go, girl!!!! i knew it would hit home. and you need the support group, probably more than anything else right now.....there WILL be people there that are worse off than you and you NEED to see and hear it.....xoxoxo

[nothemama8]

Okay Shirley, calm down first off he is NOT a a-hole he's the WHOLE *****, second your fear will leave as soon as you get to the support group and find that ppl are just as scared as you
, third We love you
Angie

[wi_fighter]

(((((((((Angie)))))))))) Thanks.

WE all know he's the whole *****, but he thinks he's Mr. Wonderful and I'm Ms. Makin' It All Up In My Head Because, Look, I Have a New Woman Who Thinks I Can Do No Wrong. (can we say gag, puke, hurl?)

I'm kinda looking forward to seeing if he eventually loses this one, too. He's her meal ticket right now, though, so she'll probably stick it out for a while. She's 34 and has never lived on her own because she can't afford it. (And this guy called ME a sponge because I qualified for free school lunches at one time and took advantage of it? Gotta love how whether or not you're getting satisfied in bed makes something OK for one person but not another. Sheeesh)

[wi_fighter]

Another thing it does when I let him get in my head - mess with my work day. And he KNOWS staying on top of my financial obligations is a huge thing for me. Any time he can mess with that, he'll do it. He does it often enough intentionally, ain't no way I'm going to let him get away with it without even trying.

[wi_fighter]

OK, I've fallen behind by an entire day's work between computer problems and beating myself up.

Time to log off for a few HOURS, not minutes, and concentrate solely on work. My kids will be back here soon and I've only managed about 2-1/2 hours of pay since 8:00 this morning. (It's now 4:00). My daughter's going to be annoyed if I say I have to work this weekend to get caught up instead of taking her to the vintage clothing store an hour away and having a girl's day while my son goes to his friend's cabin up north.

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((WI)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry I missed this and didnt reply sooner. It's so easy and typical for ones that have been abused to take the blame and carry it on our shoulders. I do the same thing. I know deep down with in my that I wasnt but I think it's easier when I take the blame. YOur not alone and deep down you must know that it's not your fault either. I am so sorry your feeling like this hun. Please PM me if there is anything I can do. Much Luv!!!

shirley, you want to know a big reason why you need group support? because they will get in your face and confront you on all of your wishy-washyness in the way you deal with him.....why are you concerned about whether or not this woman stays? you've been divorced four years.......let him go!!! it is not healthy to concentrate so much on his relationship with her and his money habits. what would be self-affirming for you, would be getting what you need from him for the children.....plain and simple..who gives a **** who he sleeps with? or when???? you made so much progress and then you just jumped into the dark hole again and now you're wallowing in the hole .....come on, woman!! you sure don't look like a quitter to me!! love, pat

[wi_fighter]

Why am I concerned about this relationship of his? Because she now plays a large role in how my kids are raised, that's why. She lives with them.

This is the kind of guy who lets his sexual partner call all the shots until it no longer suits him. If it's in his best interest, he doesn't give a rats *** that it might not be in his kids' best interest.

then can you do anything at all, in court, to get custody of the children??? or do you have joint custody????? did you have separate lawyers??????? anything that would help you and the kids would be great.........xoxoxo