Am I being abused?

I am 29 yrs. old and came to a realization last night. I think I've been emotionally and verbally abused by my mother. I'll tell a little bit about my story and please, please, please let me know if this qualifies as abuse?

It's weird how in one night...you can gain so much clarity. This is just a snippit of my life...there's too much to tell. I can remember being a child of six and praying to God that someone would kidnap me. I didn't care what they did with me, I just knew that I wanted to be kidnapped. I'm as young as 8 and my mother would tell me how the man she was in love with got away and how my father was disappointing in every way. I think my mother screamed more than she spoke. Nothing was ever right or good enough and I was a quiet, compliant child. I was ten and I'd vacuum for her and she come along and make me take out the vacuum again and do it over. At 11 I started to put on a little weight and she brought me to the doctor because she thought my bulging tummy was a tumour. I was not allowed to be close with any of my friends because "our family was better than all other families". Every holiday was preceeded with the most incredible hysterical screaming fits that anyone could ever imagine, and then it was expected for everyone to be happy and pretend like nothing happened. I remember being grounded and not allowed to go out for halloween one year because I used her hairspray. She told me and her friends daily how I was a disappointment because I didn't like to cuddle and wouldn't play dolls and dress up. In grade nine, my B's were never good enough and it was always - Why didn't you get an A. Now this wasn't the typical why didn't you get an A, this was hysterical fits. My dad was always doing something wrong and I always had to hear every little detail. She would not allow me to lock the bathroom door and would come into the bathroom while I was cornered and scream about something..it was always something. She would talk about car accidents, rapes, all sorts of horrible things like they were definately going to happen to us. At 14, she told me we were going somewhere but didn't tell me where until we ended up at a weight watchers meeting. At 15, I was not allowed to go out with the other 15 year olds and do 15 year old things. We lived in the country so going sneaking out was impossible. She would make me cry daily. Either she was insulting something about me or my father or ranting about some injustice that had happened or was going to happen to her. I started getting panic attacks only at the time I did not know what they were. It was always...."you could be so good if only you'd....". No achievement was ever recognized. At sixteen, I stopped taking my birth control pills in hopes to get pregnant. I remember thinking that if I got pregnant I could leave my home and be free. Not once did it cross my mind that I could just leave.....leaving was not possible in my mind. I moved out of my house and in with my baby's dad. I can't express the relief I felt..until...she started ringing my apartment all day every day..standing outside my apt. window...calling nonstop...calling all of my friends parents asking them not to help me...etc.. It was so bad that I finally gave up and moved home. After I had my daughter, she started acting like she was her mother. I was not allowed to take her to the mall for fear that her dad might see her and want something to do with her. She would not watch her...not even for a second so that I could go out but...she would control my every move with her while I was at home. When I started dating again at 18, she thought my boyfriend had aids and would tell me how irresponsible I was and that I was going to get it and give it to my daughter and probably kill the both of us. (I'm still with this guy and he did not have aids!!). The day that I moved out the second time my daughter was covering her ears rocking back and forth in a chair. The screaming had escalated.
I've lived away from my mother for 11 years now. In this time I have earned two degrees and a diploma. I am now a teacher. I also have a second daughter. She, to this day, calls me and tells me what a horrible parent I am, screams at me when I visit, calls me fat (now she is a little more justified), tells me how her friends all think I'm scummy etc..etc. She still makes me cry. I have to take panic medication when I'm around her for too long. My self esteem is zilch. She's the only person in the world who talks down to me. My dad is now dying and she is continuing to scream at him about things I do. I tell her to stop but she tell me that I need to stop making her scream at him. I can't even visit my dad unless I'm up for some abuse - which I have to take because I don't want a scene in front of him.

I'm so confused!!! I go to work and am respected and seen as worthwhile and then I come home and have to deal with insults and yelling. Am I a person? Some days I can't even bring myself to leave my house...my anxiety level are ridiculous. My brother's and my father say to me "you know your mother is quirky, you'll just have to learn how to deal with her better". Is this true? Is this abuse? I'm a grown adult yet I feel like a scolded child? I'm really at a loss.......

Sometimes we must seperate from the problem, you have a family of your own, change your phone number , tell her to stop calling . You dearheart are now in control not her. Check out the Self-Esteem forum here
Love ya
Angie

(((((((((((((((((((amalie))))))))))))))))))))) welcome!

let me start first and say that your mother and mine sound like identical emotional twins. yes, this is abuse. it was then and it is now. you ARE worthwhile. you're a blessing on this earth and anyone who can't see it isn't worth much of your time...including your mother. i now have my mother at a safe distance. it is possible. i'm a bit older than you and it took time and therapy to do so. i'm 41.

PLEASE get into some therapy to gain the insight and resourses that you need to keep yourself safe and realize your adult rights and responsibilities in this life. also, your daughters DO NOT need to see and hear that.

please let me know your decision. therapy saved my quality of life. in this instance, it can yours as well.

be safe,

kd

Hi Amalie. Welcome to Psych Central.

I'm no expert, but I have to say that, yes, that definitely qualifies as emotional abuse.

There are some good links up in the resource directory, and I've found some good books at the library on emotional and verbal abuse. It's like I could have written some of those books myself. One that I can suggest right now is The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It describes the 15 types of abuse and the different ways of how to stand up for yourself.

It really helped to see in print that I wasn't imagining thngs that happened to me.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

I'm with them,it's abuse. Maybe you and Kimmy and I had sisters for THE MOTHER. I guess I would ask why you put up with it? Why do you go there? You don't deserve to be hurt. She's off the deep end. Explain to your family what you are doing, (hubby and kids) change your number. Set up a way to see your dad on the sly if he will go along with it, if not then he chooses her over you and he loses out on your contact and love you have for him. Just ideas. I do not think I could be treated like that now with-out calling her out on it and possibly calling the police if the disturbing the peace got too out of control.

I put up with it because I guess I just considered my mother to be a little off the wall. I never really considered it to be abuse until yesterday when I heard my neighbour verbally abusing his wife and I thought to myself...WOW that kind of sounds like my mother talking. It's difficult for me too because I've always been very respectful of my parents and somehow I feel like putting up with her insults is just my "lot" in life. She also has her moments when she's helpful - she's bailed me out financially a few times and helped me to obtain my education. But everything always comes with a price and that price is killing my spirit! On top of those reasons...my dad has had an illness for which there is no cure and has been sliding downhill for three years. He isn't expected to live much longer and to take a stance now would completely destroy him.

Hi Amalie and Welcome!

You sound a lot like me. I fought with the notion that my mom was being abusive, except mine even snuck in some physical abuse occasionally as well. I was 40 when I finally let my T. convince me that all she's done to me was abuse...... I always had some answer, like, she's just explosive at times, or she's insecure so she can't help it, or- I must take it to be a loving daughter. I see now, none of those where valid reasons to let the abuse continue--- there should never be a reason to let abuse continue.

I also had an ill father, after he passed, I was 31 then... there was always some other reason to let my mom continue her actions like: she's all alone now- I can't just abandon her etc. etc.... I let this thinking take it's toll for another 9 years!! Now at 42 I've been struggling through therapy and feeling ashamed that I let things go on and on for so long.

I can understand your love for your dad and yes, even your mom. But now being an adult with children please remember to consider yourself and your family. Children learn from what they observe... perhaps yours can see an awsome, strong and self loving mother that is secure and sure of herself so in turn they can become the same!

I understand it's all very complicated... I feel for you. I hope what I've said hasn't offended you.... if you'd like.. you can PM me anytime. Please take care and be kind to yourself so others will treat you the same. ( that's something I'm working on.)

Mandy

HI! Yes it is abuse...

That being said what now. Now that your Dad is dying you may have to tollerate this a bit longer because as I am reading you don't suggest that he has been hard on you at all and that you do love him. But after you send Dad to his God what then..

It just doesn't matter what she has done in your past it only matters what you will allow and tolerate now. Now you are a respected piece of you community and you want your children to grow up strong and without the disrespect they see their grandmother putting on their mother. And by the way they will wonder why you don't do anything about it! So take hold of all of your strength and tell her flat out you won't tolerate this any more and that you AND your kids don't deserve it. Gently explain that she is sick and that you will help her get in touch with someone who can help.. but that you are no longer her kicking board. If she doesn't want help then you walk away until she does.. and to be honest that may never happen!

I wish you and you kids the very best.. Start loving yourself she was out of her mind when she said those things to you. You are not a mirror of her comments. If she could be well for just one moment she would tell you to stop allowing her to deeply hurt you. She is your mother and she is mentally unstable..

Good luck...

{{{{{{{{{Amalie}}}}}}}}}} Some people never change, but you should be porved of yourself living with your own family got a job etc.... I dunno how you coped with her but you did good! I am much way younger then you a teenager as to me this is emotional abuse. Heard of the saying sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt. You'll be surprised that words can actually hurt more then pyshical attack. I am still have know where safe to go. As I have been through emotional abuse, pyshical abuse and sexual abuse. Which is all abit too much for me. But still here, my consellor is helping me. I believe in you that you did it. Got out there and have a better life. It's seems like your "mum" only cares about herself. Which I dunno but you are now free from most of it all. Don't listen to her as she is wrong and you know it. Sometimes it's ok to stand up to someone like on the phone say what you have to say then thats it or just leave and let her be. You did me proud by typing a breif story of your life. I hope I will do kind of the same when I'm older and then see that I'm the one was is right not the one who's wrong... be proud of yourself!

YES it's abuse. No doubt about that. And what you describe here is VERY typical of abusive patterns in families. Feeling ungrateful for what little your parent gives you, considering yourself a "bad child" if you "disrespect" them by calling their behavior what it is, etc.

LOVE SHOULD NOT COME WITH A PRICE. REAL LOVE DOES NOT. A child does NOT "owe" her parents for giving her something. Healthy parents love their children unconditionally and unendingly AND they do not hurt those children- physically, emotionally, sexually, or otherwise.

Your mom is a very sick person, and you don't have to excuse her behavior. She is completely in the wrong.

I am so sad for you, for all the pain you have experienced at the hand of someone who was supposed to nurture, support, and loving guide you.

~Angela

I like what Deidre had to say. You can be there for your dad and still take a stand to show your kids that none of you deserve to be abused. I wonder what dad thinks? Is there a way you can speak with him privately and ask his wishes for the remainder of his life? Perhaps he has some special things you can do for him. Maybe he would like you to make his health care decisions for him if he can't. It is not being a bad girl to refuse to put up with being abused, it's called protecting one's self.

i'll bet ur mom is related to my step-mother somewhere along the lines. i dealt with that crap too. if u ever need to talk-i am here