[Lost_1231]

My nightmare started when I was 17 ...

Had it all figured out when I was a kid ... education, marriage, a couple kids (even a minivan!!!), my own business, then it all ended on September 30th, 1990.

That was the day "I died" ...

I was taken advantage of by my friend's uncle, he performed oral sex on me when I was drunk & stoned, I didn't want it, but he was stronger than me, and I couldn't fight back.

There were numerous attacks after that. I feel that I was preyed upon because I'm not strong, and cannot defend myself.

My sexual abuse destroyed me.

I tried reaching out to family over this, they just threw me away. And the justice system was no help either, guilty offenders get away with their crimes, and the victims are left to fend for themselves.

It has left me lost & confused, and wanting so bad to be loved by that special someone, and never feel hurt and pain anymore.

That's all I want, but I know it will never happen ...

All things are possible. You are still young. You are reaching out here. You do still have hope if you are doing this--we are here for you to vent, rage, and just talk to.

You title your thread "Male Survivor"--not Male Victim--you have survived you know you have. Now you pick up what's left and go on.

So many here go on and on and on about still being "victims"--You are already way ahead of all of them!!!!!

You credit yourself with the title of a Survivor!!!
You are awesome!--With some therapy, alot of work , you will put the past behind where it belongs.

Then you will have a family, a business, and a minivan!!!

I betcha a nickel!!!--hard work will get you there, you're still young-you can do this!!! (((((HUGS))))

[AShadow721]

I don't think I can say anything better than what Theo said. I'm so sorry this happened to you. My husband was assaulted by a male when he was 8, then by his mother's female friends when he was a teenager. It makes me very angry. And he thinks he's handled it all well and doesn't need to work on it with a T. Someday, I'll get him there. Some people don't realize it happens to guys too. Men are less likely to talk about it, they feel a greater shame and guilt than women do. You know it's not your fault and you can overcome your trauma. Have you ever talked to a therapist about this?

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Lost_1231))))

Thank you for posting and reaching out. Welcome to PC and I am glad that you are here. I am so sorry that this happened to you for you did not deserve this nor was it your fault. I too think that what you titled this is awsome. Male Survivor--yes you are. I know that you feel so confused and hurt and I validate what you are feeling but you are a survivor and being a survivor means that you can make it with time and patience.

You said that you are not strong--but I think that you are very strong for in posting and reaching out you have shown a strength that many can not show. I know that it has left you feeling dead and I totally understand that. What happened to you should have never happened and my heart goes out to you. Even being drunk and stoned does not give anyone the right to abuse you at any age. You are fighting back now by taking a stand and taking back your self. The first step is the hardest being able to say it. I thank you for saying it here and I know it was hard to do.

Please know that we are here for you and will walk this path with you. Please try to go talk to someone about this. I am not sure if you have a t or not but it would be a good idea so you can work through all the feelings and emotions that will come or have already came. You deserve to be heard and listened to, to be able to move forward. Yes, I believe you can still have that marriage, education, own business, kids, and yes even that mini van. Take it one day at a time and remember to breathe and to take care of you.

Know that we are here and that we care. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[Typo]

(((((((((Lost_1231))))))))))))

Sending peaceful thoughts to you

Best wishes
Typo

How are you doing? What's been happening in your life? Been thinking about you
Send you out hugs-theo

Did you get a therapist? are you journaling? don't forget, we got a nickel bet!!

[Lost_1231]

Therapy failed me several times ... I came to the conclusion that I am put on this earth to suffer, I started drinking around 9:30 this morning, and I have no plans to stop. My abuse really done me in, and I'm dedicatiing my life to hurting myself, I just do not care about myself anymore.

Even my reflection in a mirror makes me sick ...

[WePow]

(((((((( lost )))))))))) It breaks my heart to hear your pain - because I do understand and get it. I do know what it is like to have JOY stolen from your soul. It sounds like you are saying that someone destroyed your dreams and hopes and everything you thought was you.

The truth though is that YOU remain. You are still here... still standing.
Don't let the b@st@rds steal anything else from you! You CAN make a choice now to at least claim today. It will not be easy (oh boy do I know - I tried SU on this past Tue due to the pain). But you CAN do it and you can make it. I know what you say when you say you do not care about yourself anymore. But that is because someone else took YOU from you. You can get YOU back again. It will take a lot of work and effort... but you can do it.

[Lost_1231]

I'm sorry but I tried to reclaim my life ... and every time, it was a disaster ... I'm better off to self-destruct ... I can't even show love to another person & it's wrong, I woulda been better off as the result of a miscarriage or abortion ...

I'm sorry, but there's no hope for me, ever ...

hi, Lost,

you sound like an intelligent person. so, you know that drinking is only going to make things worse. going to a 12-step AA meeting would give you some help with this self-destructive behavior. there are also 12-step meetings that help with sexual issues. you will meet a lot of nice people and learn that you are not alone. having a sponsor would a lot too.

when you were abused you fought back. all of life is a struggle even if that had never happened. sadly, it did and you have not found the support of family and the justice system that you really hoped to find. but, you can start a new family of friends from 12-step programs. people who would understand you and help you and be there for you even though they are not blood relatives. maybe they are better - they are soul friends. (injured soul friends might even be a better description.)

i know that you planned on having the family first and then getting a minivan but, BUT, instead of buying booze, why don't you save your bucks and buy the minivan first. you will have met a life's goal and, AND you never know where it will take you.

[Lost_1231]

It's not that easy, my life was never easy, it's been decades of hurt, and it took it's toll, I'm suicidal all the time, nothing ever goes right, I just wanna self-destruct, and get it over with, I have no positive feelings within myself.

Last night, I confessed to my best freind that I was in love with him. He don't feel the same way, and that tears me apart, I can no longer face him, and it took me a lifetime to find him.

I decided to never let love in, I found out 1st-hand it hurts way too much.

[WePow]

Lost - it sounds like it really hurt when your best friend let you know he didn't feel the same way. But can he still be a friend to you? It is hard for you right now to have positive feelings for yourself, but they can come to you. The first step is to fall in love with yourself... in a healthy way. Can you share one thing that you think is cool about yourself?

[Lost_1231]

There is nothing cool about me, and being shot down by my best friend, it officially shut me down forever, I cannot & WILL NOT ever allow anyone to love me, I'm better off alone & miserable, and to be honest, I really wish that I was dead, because life sucks, no matter what I tried to i prove it, I failed, and I just cannot take anymore, from here on in, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to ensure that I feel pain, because that's all I ever felt my whole life, the sooner life ends, the better, and I will do what I can to see that it comes, and soon.

I'm sorry for even breathing.

[WePow]

Lost - well, I don't know you, but I know one thing I like about you - you have passion.
They say that one can only love to the same degree they can hurt. So it sounds like you are a very passionate guy. Do you do any type of art? I bet if you put that pain into color or even music, I bet it would touch people. Sometimes it helps to know someone else understands the pain we are in. ?

[Lost_1231]

I'm sitting here with booze & sleeping pills, that's my talent, as it stands, I don't really care what happens to me, I lost a shot at love, something I craved my whole life, and now it's gone, time for me to be as well ...

[WePow]

Death will happen... we can't get out of that one. And there is a choice people can make... that is just another fact. And no one can live your life for you or fix it for you. But you do not know what is in the future. You missed a shot at love. That stinks and hurts. But you don't know the future or what it could hold for you. There are others who are hurting too... other guys. Other guys who might now be thinking the exact same things you are thinking. And there might be one guy who would be someone who would rock your heart and help you experience a joy you never thought you could know. Of course there might not be - and you might say you would not open to them anyway. That is fair... it is your choice. But the truth is still there that there is a big chance that he is out there right now.

hi, lost,

you are really down today. i've had those days and they are no fun. i've found the best thing to do is to go back to bed and get a lot of rest. there are some days you have to surrender to your negative emotions. but, with a little rest of mind and body, you will be able to recover and stand up to them much better. lose today's battle but not the war, you know?

in our society, many people have a very hollywood movie concept of love - like in the movies where you have to have the person you are infatuated with. but, in reality, that is not love. love is when BOTH people have feelings of love for each other. when only one person has feelings of love, well, it may feel like love but it really isn't. still, it's a very difficult set of emotions to deal with. i hope the two of you will remain close friends. and, i hope that you will realize that, regardless of how difficult it was to learn that your friend did not have the same feelings for you, at least they were honest and hopefully gentle with you and that you can look upon it as a valuable experience rather than a total loss. yes, it hurts - tremendously. it also frees you up to continue looking and to hopefully find someone else who really, really loves you back. there is nothing worse than being in love with someone who does not return your love and i am sure you would agree with that. this hurt will not last forever. so, please do not do anything drastic or be angry with yourself. you tried, you are capable of falling in love. And you can try again. Please be gentle with yourself.

[Lost_1231]

I decided that, after admitting to him, I will never allow my heart to feel that way again. It took me almost 35 years for my herat to feel like that, and I could never love anyone else. I would only be thinking of him, and that would not be fair. As for taking things out on myself, that's unavoidable, I've been drinking & taking sleeping pills for 2 days, I didn't die, which is unfortunate, but maybe someday, it will happen. My heart was devastated by that, I cannot face him ever again, it would be way too awkward, even to be in the same room as him, looking at him, and wanting him so bad, it's just too much.

The sooner I'm dead, the better, it's the only way to get over this hurt & broken heart.