Seeking Validation

I never really knew what I was looking for with everything that has happened before this week. I guess I was seeking for some proof of everything that happened, proof that it was real, proof that I haven't made it all up.

I was chatting with my proffesor and she said "your trying to validate yourself with all the wrong people." I knew exactly what she meant by that. When ever I speak to the mother about what went/goes on she says it never happened, I made it all up, I'm just crazy. She got me to the point where I actually started believing her. That's what my professor meant. She doesn't validate me because she can't stand to believe it, it would mean that her ex and her and her son are all guilty. Guilty of things beyond belief but it doesn't stop there. It travels more into his friends, her friends, and her friends foster child and her boy friend. For me it wasn't just one or two people but a community of mollesters and I was the weakest link, easy pray for them.

My proffesor continued to say that the only one who could validate me was me. She stated that she could validate me all day but until I believed it in myself it wouldn't be doing any good. I'm the one that has to believe it in myself.

I just don't know how to do it. I want validation, no I NEED validation. I struggle with validation in everything it seemed like. I struggled with th DID dignosises until I saw a video when I was 4 and demanded that I wasn't "insert name here" but my name was Sky, cause "insert name here" was crying inside. That was enough validation for me.

Anyone has any suggestions that might help me out? How did you find your validation?

((((((( living miracle ))))) I am asking myself the same question about validation in my post I just put up. I may never know for sure what happened. But I did figure out why family often can not see what was done from within.

It deals with the fact that the family is supposed to be our closest support system and safe zone. It is the tightest circle of trust. When the abuse happens as a result of someone outside that circle of trust, the whole family joins together to fight the outsider. Even a "small" crime will result in a family that is ready to lynch the criminal.

But if the trauma occurs within the family dynamics or even within the close circle of personal friends, it is much harder for other family members to accept. There is no longer a support system for the members of the family to trust. So if the criminal is a member of that inner circle, the crime is often minimalized or even ignored. That person is not treated the same as an outsider for the same crime. It is not fair and not right, but that is how the family manages to survive in the worst of situations.

The only way I am able to see my dad's crimes for what they are is to mentally remove him from my circle of trust. That is what I am having trouble with at this time. It helps because I am aware of the positive transference I have with setting up my T as a father figure. The more he teaches me the healthier ways of living, the more I can see him as a safe and trusted member of my inner circle. It is not easy to make this transition, but I think it is needed if I am going to be able to see my father in a clear light.

(((living miracle)))-it is a very difficult thing to get through; but not impossible. Wepow has said much of what i went through in the validation area at one time. The man who was my "father" was really only a biological father to myself and my brothers. He was an ill man who did not know what the repercussions of what he did would be to myself or to my older brothers.

I have come to realize that he was incapable of "loving" anyone at all--what he did, therefore should be seen as a part of his acting out his psychosis on all of us--tha t the abuse of me as a wee babe was a horror; but also the abuse my brothers, who are 8 and 11 years older than i was just as bad.....Hard to validate because it is all too shocking and "unnatural" to be set right out there in the open for allof us to see and understand; my brothers deny it to this day; indeed they have ne'er acted like big brothers to me at all for they blame me for it all. My mom divorced my "father" when i was two---i know why, she knew it too, it is enough that God and I know the truth of the matter now. I have acknowledged it and validated it and now i seek to break the pattern of allowing others to abuse me in relationships.

Getting on in years now, so it is a difficult reality for me. I am still hypervigilent, hypersensitive, but i consider these to be attributes now.

I wish you a safe and healing journey----theo

hi, living miracle,

i had a therapist describe me as a "living miracle" once. it sounds to me like you are on the right path. for sure, it is not an easy one but if you take solace in the rewards then the difficulty will feel worth the trip. validation means believing in and loving yourself. it means loving your bad and good qualities. the things you want to change - you have to love those too so that your self acceptance is unconditional. that acceptance will help you relax a lot. yes, the problems will still be there but it's a lot easier to accept and deal with them from a relaxed mind. the benefits of having a relaxed mind are immeasurable.

i am sorry your family is not there to help you. coming from a dysfunctional family myself, i know that is a big let down. i'm not so sure it's something you should personalize though because whatever happened - you were so little at the time - none of them are able to deal with it. don't let it make you feel guilty. i know there are family issues that i will not discuss with my youngest brother. it's like, why am i still protecting him even though he is now an adult? whatever your siblings issues are, those issues are theirs - try not to make them yours too. I am so sorry they cannot be there to help you. over there years i have made friends from group therapy and other places that are better than my family. maybe you could try experimenting with that route?

I agree - when you've tried to get validation and they won't/can't give it too you, then you need to give it to yourself. When I feel frustrated for something done wrong to me and I can't get understanding or an apology - I think to myself - that person/people will get what they deserve when they die. They will feel all the pain they caused you - that's what I believe. I know it sounds kind of angry, but it gives me peace thinking this way. Live the best life you can, so they can see, THEY didn't hold you back or ruin your life. Don't let their non-recognition hurt you anymore. Their time will come one day.

Therapists can help you get to this point. Are you in therapy?

I was molested by my brother between 8-12 yrs old. I did not come out with it until I was 30 and in therapy. From my mother (stay at home mom), it was denial and where was she when this was going on. From my sister, "it was you are a liar". My mom called my brother and surprise, he admitted it but said it was because he wanted to make sure he wasn't gay! During the next 20 yrs, it was not talked about and if it was; it was my fault in some way. My brother's wife decided it was my fault because I enticed him! It has taken me 40 yrs to realize that I had a dysfunctional family and no, it was not my fault! My brother (I haven't spoken with him til after my mother's suicide last year) has been diagnosed bi polar. My sister is severely depressed (another family member I have no interaction with). I had to let go of my family in order for myself to begin to heal and that has been traumatic in it's own right. I had to weigh the my options of letting my family go or losing my mind. It was not an easy decision but after my mother died, it was a do or die situation. I have had the good fortune to get hold of a good t and she helped me to figure out what was normal and what was the best way to choose my direction in my life. I can't have it all but I can have some peace and pleasure for the rest of my years. In no way do I recommend my way as the right way but I am saying there is hope for all of us that continue to research and look for solutions for what ails us. I will think of you every day and send you loving thoughts.