[shoez]

I know that people say its never okay. But what if you truly ask for it.

Lately I have been unable to keep on good terms with my mother. I am so infuriated I cant even sleep. My mother always calls me names and if Im defiant enough I will get hit. It doesnt really hurt when she hits me, and I am so tired of keeping quiet. I know I should, but Im so tired. Im tired of her calling me stupid and if I ask her why she calls me names she dismisses everything with "BECAUSE IM YOUR MOTHER"...if I tell her I dont like getting dressed with my door open I tell her to repect my privacy ...she opens the door more and says "I WANT THE DAMN DOOR OPEN, IM YOUR MOTHER...THERES NO FREAKIN MAN OUT TO GET YOU SO YOU KEEP THIS OPEN".

Today I was "Pig, animal, retard, lunatic, idiot".
I have a problem keeping my room clean, and I went into a rage and I threw everything on the floor. I guess Im having a tantrum. When I was younger....my mother would burst into my room and tell me it was a pig stye (even if it was clean)...and she would throw all my stuff on the floor and dig things out of my closets and drawers and throw it everywhere and tell me later to clean it up....even though it was her own mess. I guess thats how I feel....I dont want to clean my room and I dont want to listen to her anymore..I dont want to bend my head down and say "Yes im stupid, yes im an animal" IM TOO TIRED.

But I think im going overboard. While Im having this tantrum, I think its reasonable that she would call me all these names and hit me. Because Im asking for it with my behaviour. If you are defiant enough, you deserve to get hit dont you? I keep hearing her voice telling me not to "plead innocence"..and I dont want her to be right....I cant be a victim of abuse if im asking for it...right? Im scared of being a victim because she always tells me how anybody would hit me if they knew how much of a monster I was...and I drive her to hit me and yell at me. I dont want her to be right....when she says I "plead innocence"...I somehow need to know I am responsible for this. My tantrums are fuel enough for yelling and hitting. I dont know what I need anymore, I am just posting here all the time now because I am in confusion and I think im just going out of my mind.

[NuckingFutz]

No, you are being abused physically, uerbally and emotionally. Your mom is passing the abuse legacy on to you. I think some intervention is required. Anyone want to weigh in on this. This child deserves a loving family!

[(JD)]

It's never ok.

Everyone has value and deserves being treated with some respect, even when not acting their best.

You can't change other people, but you can change yourself. Acting out and throwing temper tantrums are evidence of immaturity in relationships ... hello? How can you know how to talk like an adult when you haven't had a good teacher --yet?

Work to improve your responses, try to view her abuse as a disorder that she has, and that while your own actions are not mature, they don't warrant abusive responses (no sense in an adult not acting like one.)

You can try to be the adult in the situation, but that carries so much with it....
Try sitting down and discussing something of small importance first, write down anything you agree upon, try to keep your voice calm, not call names or poke her buttons, ask she address the topic and not blame anyone...

You need to break the cycle if you can ... but you can with help.

[shoez]

Originally Posted by (JD)

It's never ok.

Everyone has value and deserves being treated with some respect, even when not acting their best.

You can't change other people, but you can change yourself. Acting out and throwing temper tantrums are evidence of immaturity in relationships ... hello? How can you know how to talk like an adult when you haven't had a good teacher --yet?

Work to improve your responses, try to view her abuse as a disorder that she has, and that while your own actions are not mature, they don't warrant abusive responses (no sense in an adult not acting like one.)

You can try to be the adult in the situation, but that carries so much with it....
Try sitting down and discussing something of small importance first, write down anything you agree upon, try to keep your voice calm, not call names or poke her buttons, ask she address the topic and not blame anyone...

You need to break the cycle if you can ... but you can with help.

Thats what I did when I was a kid most of the time, I was the adult trying to calm her down. But you are right. Stopping now isnt going to make things easier.
I guess im just tired of being grown up and responsible. I have never called my mother one name in my life, although oh boy....DO I WANT TO.
I usually dont poke her buttons. My rage usually comes out of annoyance.
Like waking me up at 7AM DEMANDING I get her a bacon egg and cheese.
I get annoyed and tell her to at least let me take a shower....and ..then the fight starts.

But with this whole "cleaning room" thing, it is a temper tantrum and I will take your advice on trying not to escalate it further.

[Yoda]

It is never okay for your mother or anybody to hit you, threaten you or verbally abuse you.

When my son was a teenager he was defiant and had temper tantrums. One time I wanted to smack him because I was angry but I knew he would not learn anything if I resorted to that and I had to leave my house and drive around on the interstate for a couple of hours to calm down before I could deal with him. He was trying to provoke me to anger and indeed I got angry but I chose how to deal with my anger.

Name calling is verbal abuse. It is okay to criticize a person but it should not be done in a hurtful way. Your mother is hurtful.

The first thing you need to understand is it is not your fault that she is dysfunctional. The second thing is how are you going to deal with it. How old are you? Do you have any other family that you can talk to or perhaps spend time with? Perhaps you could talk to a counselor at your school and ask for ideas to help.

Keep posting here but log out when you are done posting. I don't think it would be a good idea for your mom to read your posts right now. Maybe at a later time with some support you can talk to her but she doesn't sound approachable at the moment.

[Evening]

You know what, your tantrums are totally valid. I've been there, I used to get angry at the drop of a hat. In the months before I decided I had to leave and get my own place (the best decision I ever made) I started going nuts, I was getting really dizzy to the point I couldn't even stand, and one day while my mother was at work I grabbed a chair from the kitchen table and smashed it on the floor until it fell to pieces. I used to have flip outs where I'd rip out my hair and bang my head against the wall. I still bang my head sometimes when I get worked up. I also got myself into the habit of lying in bed all day and not leaving the house for days at a time because I lost my energy and enthusiasm.

You aren't a bad person for feeling or acting that way, how else can you get your anger out? It can get to the point that the only energy you have is the energy to get angry and have tantrums. It is very exhausting waiting for help.

Her behavior may have been acceptable if she was 3. She is a grown woman and is more than capable of expressing herself without hitting and name calling. Or, at least she should be because even children are held to higher standards then that. She has no right to be abusive, I don't care how bad your "tantrums" are.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by shoez

Lately I have been unable to keep on good terms with my mother.

Shoez, I don't think this is possible because your mother is impossible.

Originally Posted by shoez

I dont want to bend my head down and say "Yes im stupid, yes im an animal" IM TOO TIRED.

And you shouldn't because it isn't true.

Originally Posted by shoez

While Im having this tantrum, I think its reasonable that she would call me all these names and hit me. Because Im asking for it with my behaviour.

If you are defiant enough, you deserve to get hit dont you?

I cant be a victim of abuse if im asking for it...right?

Im scared of being a victim because she always tells me how anybody would hit me if they knew how much of a monster I was...and I drive her to hit me and yell at me.

I dont want her to be right....when she says I "plead innocence"...I somehow need to know I am responsible for this.

I can understand this ^ but it doesn't sound like a healthy route to take.

[NuckingFutz]

Your mom is blaming you so she does not have to take responsibility for her actions. Sounds like your mom has no parenting skills at all. What about talking to a school counselor. You are not asking to be treated this way.

I agree with everyone here. Seek some support through counseling.

There are also hotlines you can talk to about this.-------------hugs-theo

[NuckingFutz]

Shoez, ready to take some action? There is a national child abuse hotline. The number is 1-800-4-A-CHILD. They have a website with a lot of resources. Would you be willing to check out the site and make the call? I will be watching this thread for your response. You are also welcome to PM me anytime you want. There is a way and we will find it. Hang in there!

[googley]

Shoez-
Everyone else is right. Your mother's behavior is not okay. It is never okay to be abusive to another person. It makes sense that you are upset by her behavior. It is upsetting reading what she has done to you. Please reach out for help.

[shoez]

Im in therapy now, and last session I did something I really regret now.

GOD IM SO SCARED.

My session is tomorrow, and my T called me up today like an hour ago and told me she really wanted my mom to come into our next session because she needed to hear the other side. Last session I opened up because I couldnt take it anymore...I couldnt take keeping the secret...I told her about my dad beating me and about how my mom told him to...and more things about her
and NOW I REGRET IT.

T told me to trust her, that she wouldnt let my mom do anything to me in the session and that she wouldnt bring up anything I dont want her to, she said she cant bring up anything that I mentioned because all the information is confidential. BUT IM STILL SCARED, THATS NOT WHAT IM AFRAID OF. All she is going to see is my fake motherly wonderful mom, and IM GOING TO LOOK LIKE A LIAR. WHY?! Because in front of people my mom LOVES ME, and tells people she wants me to be happy and doesnt undertand why im so hard on myself..SHES COMEPLETELY DIFFERENT

God I just feel trapped like I did when I was a little kid... when I knew I would get it later....I know my mom is going to pretend to like me in the session and be oh so motherly...im so scared of not being believed. I FEEL SO SO TRAPPED .My T is not going to see the real mom, I hate this feeling OH GOD WHY DID I TELL HER ANYTHING. Im going to get punished for this, if not now ...later....if not by a human, by God I just feel it...I feel it I feel it...I cant stop panicking ...Maybe I should leave a voicemail to my T I dont know!!

I know this is just the internet and you cant really help me but I am so desperate, I feel so trapped and alone. If someone could just tell me they understand, I need someone to tell me they believe me and this is not all in my head and im not just out to get my mom. Now I feel like a manipulator...manipulating people on the internet to empathize with me. god god god....I hate this crap. I dont know how to stop panicking I feel like once again I am alone and unbelieved. I hate this, this is why its better to just beleive I deserve it because Im bad, I just do theres no other way of feeling better if its not that way. Oh god I dont think I can take this trapped feeling any longer

[NuckingFutz]

People wio work with abuse know that abusers lie and cover up. Have you talked to your t about how she would handle this? Is she good enough to sef through the mother oe the year act?

[shoez]

I dont know too much about my T, all I know is she has a Psy.D and thats it. I dont know if shes worked with ppl who are abused. I dont know if she will see through the lies, I dont know if she even believes me. I think I should have just kept my damn mouth shut, Ive never been able to learn. YOUD THINK I WOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW. Proves how idiotic and STUPID I really am. I feel trapped , trapped trapped trapped. Like when I was little and I was in trouble and people would ask me questions over and over and over and I couldnt answer and I couldnt look. Im just a crazy nutcase stupid ughhh I wished God would have let my them kill me, I wish I could have died during those beatings so I wouldnt be so STUPID I just wish wish wish I could rewind and keep my mouth QUIET

[NuckingFutz]

I know you are scared. I have been there. Abusers lie and deny. Ask any survivor of abuse. Maybe if you show this thread to your t before your mom goes in, she will be able to look for those signs in your mother. How about calling the hotline number I posted. They will listen and help calm you down.

[peaches100]

Shoez,

You are NOT lying. I've read your posts, and your mom is so clearly abusive!!! Seriously! It's NOT you.

If i were you, i'd let my t know that my mother will most likely put on a fake front and pretend to be loving and kind, and deny everything.

[(JD)]

Of course your mom will have another side to things, it's her view. She might also see your side of it, and still be in denial though. Just remember that you don't have to confront your mom in session, unless you want to and your and your T have discussed it ahead of time. Let her talk, your T wants to see if your mom has a legitimate viewpoint, or if she has issues. Your T is YOUR advocate, not your mom's. Please don't distrust your T, even after your mom is done talking to T. Your T has nothing personal involved in this, and wants to maybe also check out to see if T can work with your mom at all, to get through where you are (but I doubt T will try that this session, ok?) T needs information so as to know how to help you best.

I believe you. But say that, in the case of someone else ... that they aren't telling the truth in a situation like you are in ... they would still need T's help to be able to see the true situation, right? That's about the worst that can happen from that standpoint.

I doubt your T will upset the apple cart. Your T knows you need support and therapy, and even if your mom does too, still advocates for you. T won't want to tick mom off so she pulls you from therapy, remember.

AND after this session is over, remember that there might be after results. Maybe it will just be talk between your mom and you. That would be great, if T could bring that about, and prevent the abuse. However, your mom might tell you lies about what T said. Try not to react, because they might just be lies! Stay calm. If you have to give her a response use bland words and phrases like, I wasn't aware of that. I'll have to think about that. etc. Write down word for word any negative comment, so you can share it with T and further enhance the results of T's impression. Plus, if you can get it word for word, then you're sure of what you heard, and T can help explain what T really said!

Healing is difficult. It's nearly impossible when you live with the abuser. Stay strong. You won't always have to live under your mom's roof. You do need to become healthy enough to one day live on your own though.

[Sannah]

Can you not take your mom in and use this session to talk about all of this with your T?

[googley]

(((((((Shoez))))))

I believe you! I know what it was/is like to have parents who act one way around everyone else and act a different way in private. I'm sure this is not a new scenario for your T to face. Your T may just want to see if there is any likelihood that your mom might protect you in the future. And if not, help her decide what to do to best protect you. I also think you should talk about your fears about this session before your mom comes in, but your T probably wants to decide what her actions should be as soon as possible and hence why she wants to see your mom so soon. I know when I was a teenager I was faced with a similar situation and refused to let my mom come to session (though it was only a light suggestion on the part of my t). I was afraid that my T would believe that my mom was all nice and not believe what I was saying. So I have been there.

Take care of yourself.

[Sannah]

How did it go Shoez?

[NuckingFutz]

Worried about shoez

[shoez]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Worried about shoez

I was just fuming through the whole session. Because T thinks shes going to make a breakthrough, but doesnt realize that Ive been through this whole "Were going to change" thing...and it always goes back to normal or worse...like it already has. Im almost too exhausted to post. My mother fooled a T with 20 + years experience...and now she feels extra powerful. Great. Now shes enforcing her rules and permissions 100% more. Yesterday, she was sending me up and down the stairs three floors yelling and screaming ...and her new rule is that if she tells me to do something...I cant stop doing it until she gives me permission. And since she knows now I have no therapist to turn to, shes feeling super powerful. Its not just with me either...Im the main target, but everyone in my house lives in a way to avoid confrontation with her.

Heres what I remember in the session:



Mom: I want you to heal, I want you to get better..that way we can have a happy peaceful life and we can heal together. I want to see you happy. Im sorry for all the mistakes I made. Im trying so hard to be better. I want you to realize how talented and what a good kid you are...you are so good.

Me: (thinking: "Hmm, I guess thats why yesterday you told me I was stupid...and when I said I wasnt. You said YES YOU ARE...oh and I guess thats why when I asked you if my sister was your favorite daughter you said YES...hmm)

Mom: tell Dr.B and me whats making you so angry ..
"You see Dr. B..... I am going to say this right here right now, I am not going to get mad later, Im not going to accuse her of anything, ..(then she turned to me) its not your fault honey, nothing is your fault

Dr B: You see? Your mother is opening the door wide open, I think you should take this chance to tell her how you really feel. I can see that your mother is really saying this straight from her heart.

Me: (in my head Im saying :YEAH DR. YOU DONT KNOW THAT THIS ACT WILL ALL BLOW OVER IN A FEW DAYS AND SOON ENOUGH WE WILL BE BACK TO SAME OLD CRAP. SOON I WILL SPILL MY GUTS TO "MOMMY" AND THEN WHATS GONNA HAPPEN? SHELL USE IT SOMEHOW...AND IF SHE DOESNT...I WILL SPEND THE NEXT YEAR OR TWO WAITING FOR HER TO USE IT, I WILL BE WAITING WAITING FOR THE NEXT
TIME)

Dont get me wrong, there were times my T reprimanded my mother, rightfully so. She tried to tell my mom what she did was wrong.

OH yeah, my mom gave herself away at one point...

Mom: "She never cleans her room! shes a monster!, she attacks me, she yells aat me when I call her and I have arthritis, all i need is for her to get my bags because they are too heavy.

Me: (thinking: My mom has been ordering me around since I was 5....WHAT shes had arthritis that long? Does getting a glass from the cupboard also trigger arthritis....how about hitting? I guess she doesnt have arthritis when she has to smack me)

Dr B: (Stops my mom from calling me anything else) Now, Im going to have to stop you right there.

Dr: Well Ms. E (my mom) I know you are a smart woman, and you have to dig deep down in yourself and realize what you may have done to make her be so angry.
I just know that once you two communicate you will be able to take steps to better your relationship. Maybe shes angry and shes lashing out at you because she feels vengeful. All of this, you have to communicate about.

Me: (sitting there thinking in my head.....WHAT IF I DONT WANT A DAMN RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER!)

Mom: I think shes angry because of her relationship with her father. He was a batterer

Me: (freaking out) MOM... I dont want you to talk about that right now.

Dr. B: (talking to me) Maybe you shouldnt stop your mother so quickly before telling me something, It may help me understand things if they are things that I need to know. That way I can help you....Right?(looking at me)

Me: (Looking down).....silence.... (at this point I sense my mom staring at me)
"Mom, dont look at me, please...please look away"

Mom: "Oh okay...(looks away)"

Dr B.:Look away? Why did you say that?

Me: (feeling guilty for saying it) Because it makes me nervous.

Dr.B : Hmm, I can sense the anxiety, I see it very clearly. Well, Both of you really take some time and work toward being able to communicate, communication is key.
What I would love to see between you two is a breakthrough. Where you two are completely honest, and unafraid to face eachother.

Me: (imagining a scene where my mom is hugging me and suddenly wanting to throw up)

Mom: "She was bullied in school a lot"...

Me: MOM ...PLEASE.

Mom looking at me) Honey, you have to know, there are kids out there just like you, who are bullied and they get so angry they blow up schools and stuff... (looks at me with her concerned eyes) Dont worry, Im not saying you will blow up a school (laughs with T)

Me: (in my head: The bullies must live at home. )

I will tell you all, My T is very sincere, and I saw her intentions. Her intentions are that my mother will be a reasonable adult, and "communicate" and once things are solved...they are solved for the better....

HERES THE KICKER

Dr. B: Now, would you still like to see me next week?

Mom: OF COURSE! ANYTHING TO HELP MY DAUGHTER

Me: (thinking in my head) WHAT THE EFF? THAN WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS THREATENING ME TELLING ME YOUR NOT GOING TO PAY FOR MY THERAPY???!!!


Dr. B: I am going to try my best to help you, but BOTH of you must try.

Me: Im just angry all the time, its my fault, but im not trying to play victim , I dont want you to think im trying to play victim

Dr. B: no, I think both of you need to help eachother, and also...if you keep lashing out at your mother.....at this point..Shes the victim. So you both
need to examine and communicate

The T told my mom to try not to lash out..my mom was nodding and smiling saying "I will try my best " And the T said , you see? you can communicate, you can.

The day right after the session...my mother started calling me stupid...then she told me to do homework with my sister..and if my sister doesnt pass her test it will be my fault... I said "Ill study with her" ..Mom: YEAH you effing piece of crap...like if you effing care!

My poor T doesnt know. and im too afraid of telling. She wanted me to speak up...she wanted me to tell my mom how I really feel. And my mom layed her usual trap...she said "I wont get mad at you honey, I love you".....but I know in my gut that she says that so I will open up about everything....and then soon enough...she can use it later to punish me or taunt me with it over and over...

Even though I disobeyed my T by not speaking up...I was doing it because I know the traps and tricks my mom lays...and if I would have said just a little more, My mom would tear me apart...if not right away...in some sick new game she would make up. My T has no idea what shes dealing with. My mother is a master at stepping on people without them noticing. My priority is not a relationship with my mom, its to be able to keep sane with my mother around. WHY CANT T UNDERSTAND THAT

Im going to regret writing this, since it says so much against my mom....

I love my mom, I just dont understand her...I feel kind of bad writing such mean things.. I just needed to get them out..I might delete this post later idk. Sorry

[googley]

((((((shoez)))))))

I'm so sorry that your T didn't see through your mother's facade. That really sucks. I'm really sorry that she has been acting worse now that she fooled your T. Next time you see your T please tell her what has happened since your last session.

[pachyderm]

A couple of books that I found helpful:

Understanding the Borderline Mother, by Christine Ann Lawson (my mother was all the types but most closely approached The Witch)

A Child Called "It", by Dave Pelzer

Maybe your T should take a look at these books to get some idea of what it is like, probably not as extreme as in these examples, but in similar ways.

And, it can show you that you are not alone.