Struggling

Struggling right now...with the past, the present, the future. Is survival really all its cracked up to be? I feel so very alone.

(((((silent whisper))))) you are not alone on here xxx

Thank you so much. I needed to hear that. I feel unprepared to face this day. Daughter is accusing me of not being a good mom for not taking her to er last night, but she had been on the computer most of the day and I feel she is milking things right now, but I do not want to be accused of being neglectful. Why can my hubby/her daddy not step up to the plate? Why is the whole world resting on my shoulders? I just feel so weak. Thanks again.

kids say some hurtful things at times, i am sure if you deemed it necessary you would have climbed a mountain to get her to er! kids will often try to milk it if they think they can get away with it, when you stand your ground and they dont win it makes them try new tactics, the guilt trip!! it is a common kids reaction, part of their learning that they can not fake things and get away with it and it is a learning curve for them in how to deal with their emotions, stand your ground, do not give in (unless you really think she needs to go) there is a well known saying 'daddy's girl, mummy's boy' fathers find it easier to dicipline boys and mothers girls because they were once one themselves, fathers tend not to understand(or not want to understand) girly emotions so run a mile! that leads to an unconcious guilt which is why men treat girls better than boys and visa versa. it could also be if hubby works he values his free time with your daughter and does not want to spoil it by arguing with her. whichever it is you need to have a conversation with him and lay down that for your daughters sake you need to show her you are united in any decisions made. if you say no it has to mean no. whatever is said stands and that is final! that is the only way she will learn her boundries, there will be stressful times along the way but once she learns what you say goes no matter how much she grumps or screams about it the sooner she will stop trying to milk things.
it is really hard working kids out but with persistance and consistency you will get t here xxx
ps try reminding her of the thing you do do for her, and if she wants your attention it is ok to say hold on i just need to finish.... because if i dont it will mean........ that sometimes helps kids to realise mum is not just sat at home all day waiting for them to come home from school that infact mums are very busy people with deadlines and demands put upon them like everyone else.

(((silent)))

It is difficult taking care of children why you yourself still need so much care. Can you remember being in your child's place?

Invisigirl...i will join your club...i not have any little outside people. i do have the 88yr mother which at this stage in the game is very much like having a little person. i do not swim much any more...not near a pool.

Silent....i think being a bad, neglectful parent is particularly sensitive area when that is in one's history as a child. No matter what your child accuses you of, you are a good parent. You do not have all the answers, you can and will make mistakes...all parents do....Unless you are superhuman.....You love your children/child and that makes a giant difference.

I just think the stress is getting to me. I teach high school students with autism, which can make for stressful days. Then there is home with three teens and a hubby. Hubby is a pastor so there is also seeing to the needs of the church and teaching Sunday School. Plus all the inside world of dissociation. I feel as tho I cannot take one more step forward.

Maybe you should lighten your load a little. It is okay to take down time. Is there someone else who could run Sunday school?

I wish there was but lately the other teacher has not been faithful and I have been teaching the 2yr olds- the teens. I feel faint this morning, like my strength is almost gone. Can barely keep my head up.

it seems to me that you need time out before you burn out completely... is there no way you can arrange for your three children to go on a few sleepovers at their friends to give you a little space to relax after work, just for a few days till you feel a bit better? i am sure they would be up for it and if you talk to their friends mums i am sure they would be happy to help you through this difficult time xx talk to your husband and let him know you are struggling, maybe he could lean a little less of the church stuff your way for a while too xx ((((((((((((((((((((hugs and xxxxx))))))))))))))))))

Wow, that is a lot!

We have no family near by so that they could stay there and hubby won't let them spend the night with friends. Got added duty today because hubby had to bring another ss teacher over and go over the lesson since she did not show Wed. Now my morning is almost gone and I have nothing to show for it. I feel disoriented and nauseaus. There is no cutting back unless it is school which helps pay the bills. Mom was right. I am a faillure. I can't do this. Who am I kidding? Even now I am crying and noone irl notices kuz they do not care to. They just want me to do it all until they lose me then they will find someone else. I know I am replaceable. That is why hubby got a nanny who called herself the kids' new mommy when I was away a few weeks at a friends trying to get better. See I know noone needs me or wants me. They just use me as long as it is convenient. Nothing from childhood to adulthood has really changed...except perhaps the method of control. I have a choice now but I want to be close to my kids as long as possible.

Your mom wasn't right. You are not a failure. No one can keep up with such a demanding schedule.

Do you let people know when you have had too much or do you hid it?

I try telling the kids and hubby but nothing seems to change.

So you need their approval to take care of yourself? Stop doing what you are doing. They will notice when it isn't done. They need to help.

things just seem out of control

I'll bet. Have you thought about looking into government offered therapy?

I tried going over the summer when I was out of work. Waited hours...was taken into a large room with a few others...had to tell what was going on. Then was told that they could not take anyone else that day nor could I make an appt but that the best way to be seen was to line up outside (downtown Las Vegas) at about 4am. Ok...with my ptsd and safety issues no way. Well now they are trying to make me pay $39 for THAT???!!!! No way. Unless I get to the place where I am non-functional again, noone wants to help.

Man, I am so sorry. What about support groups? Are there any of those out there you would feel comfortable with? Even if you didn't have professional help, I bet it would be nice to talk to people face to face- people who understand what your struggles are.

you man is not being very christian towards you is he??? the bible says help others, you are a part of others so deserve his help too! and until it is forthcomming i would begin by removing your caring services towards him eg. do not do his washing, cooking etc. let him sort out his own things and close your eyes to the washing up or mess around the home especially as words do not seem to be working, maybe actions will have a better effectI am appauled that he allowed a nanny to be called the kids new mummy... as a nanny she should know better than allow it herself, i was a nanny for one girl for 15years yes 15 years and still i was not her mummy, i was like a big sister at one point then like a best friend as she grew too old for a nanny but never in my wildest dreams would i have took the lable of mummy and she herself even when very young used to correct anyone who called me her mummy! I would talk to your children and explain that you are their mummy and no one will ever be able to take that role from you as you are the one who gave birth to them. explain that other people can be their carers but not their mum. as for not letting children stay with friends you husband is denying them a valuble life lesson, they learn a great deal from staying with friends, everything from how to accept other familys rules, to how to cope with seperation so when they grow up they are confident to fly the nest and live independant lives, and that is in the end what the job of a parent is, to produce an independant, self sufficient adult.
just a thought ... is there no way of you talking to his higher, explain your problems, i am pretty sure there are things in place across the church to deal with marital problems as it is a pretty demanding job, maybe a quiet word from his higher would make him think about how much pressure is being placed on you. I know this is a bit unorthadox but is definitely worth a shot, maybe there are funds there for therapy or councelling????
But the main message i would like to give you is that you are certainly not a failure, for something to succeed everything has to work to a certain standard. in the case of your family, you are having to work harder because the others are not doing their share, like a machine if one part has to work harder to compensate other bits it will burn out, that does not make it a failure, it will keep burning out unless the bits that are failing to do their parts are fixed! once they are the bit that keeps burning out will no longer burn out. it is all too easy to blame the burnt out bit for causing the machine to fail as it takes patience to find the compensated bits as they fool you into thinking they are functioning correctly.
please try going for a walk in a park insted of washing the supper pots, take a long hot soak insted of washing and ironing the husbands clothes, try not washing any childrens clothes which are not in the laundry basket, if they have a dirty gym kit one week.. so what they need to learn to take responsibility for their own belongings. ok so you have a standard to live up to as a pastors wife, but who says you do? you are not god, you are a human being and a hard working mum, you only have to live to your standards, not those expected from others. it is time to put yourself first, ok you say you are dispendible, but you will find that things did not go as well when you were away as you have been led to think, your children will have missd you, that could be why the 'nanny' tried the tactic of saying she was their new mummy, as wrong as it is maybe it was to make them feel better and not missing the mummy figure as much? who knows!
take care of yourself (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((bighugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) you are worth every one of them

Thanks for the support and great idea.

You know I really appreciate the insight and suggestions and encouragement. Things just are not getting easier and I find myself struggling with what is reality. Daughter is having health concerns but it is hard to distinguish between a real problem and teenage drama. She has her dad wrapped around her little finger and it is beginning to add to the strain of our relationship. And working as a long-term sub with teens with autism is no easy task. I came home and took a nap today but felt guilty as heck upon awakening. The stress iscausing my self-harm urges to increase. I have not cut in a long time but I feel I am on the brink of losing that streak. If I do not do things, hubby just makes the kids do it and they do not do it well and then they resent me. It is not like he does nothing. I mean today I came home and he had to show me how he straightened the laundry room and the freezer. Pardon me for not being impressed. How about fixing the toilet that we have had the parts for for months??? And God is his authority. He is the pastor of an independent church so there is noone to go to to ask for help. I love him. I just don't feel very valued.

You deserve a nap. Do you have a hard time believing that you have needs and that you have the right to meet your needs?

When my children don't do a job very well I have them repeat it. This way they know that they can't get away with doing a bad job and they learn to do it right the first time.

Parenting isn't a popularity contest. Sometimes parenting doesn't make your kids outwardly happy but it is in their best interest and they will see this later when they are adults. If a parent tries to make their children happy it will be really bad for the kids because then parenting won't occur. If the object is to make them happy this puts the children in charge and this is not good at all. It can actually stress them out because they feel the safest when the parents are in control.

Do you have a hard time not pleasing people?

Have you talked to your husband about the triangle between you, your daughter and him? Triangels with parents and children aren't good. The parents need to be a united front.

Can your husband help you determine what is going on with your daughter's health? I tend to believe my children. I don't think that children make up health problems. If they are stressed out and it is bothering their stomach, this is a real issue.

Do you think that your husband showed you what he had cleaned because he wanted praise? You think that he showed it to you to make you feel bad?

I do not think I can keep this up much longer. School is extremely stressful and so is home and so is church. i also do not have any f2f friends I can just be with once in awhile. Thanks everyone for listening and caring and encouraging.