Should I send this letter to the abuser after confrontation?

I've been writing a lot here recently. I confronted my childhood sexual abuser, and his response has been to deny it and saying that i'm lying to everyone and he's been sending me extremely abusive texts.

I've thought of writing him a long letter, revealing his true psyche and in the end saying I forgive him (I THINK i can forgive him after I am able to reveal to him what I think-the letter).

Nothing abusive. But just plainly SHOWING him that I can see through his weaknesses and his psychological makeup, I think this would basically be called calling him out on himself (not sure..)?





I'd like to know what are everyone's views on this?

I'm not expecting him to stop the abuse after this. I just want to send this because of the anger still in me, and seriously, writing it to him and burning it doesnt work. I need to send it in order to feel better. I also want him to KNOW i can see through him. he's transparent.

Do you think this would make the situation worse and he'd get more abusive, as in physically harm me?? Or can it have the opposite effect of making him realize that he's not seen as he thinks he is and he drowns into his own self discovery?

Please let me know what you guys think, this is my only support network right now. love you guys!!

I would hesitate to send him a forgiveness letter for what he has done in the past when his present behavior (sending you extremely abusive texts) is still going on.

I cannot say what the effect would be to him but I doubt he is going to have revelations of self discovery when he denies what you say about the abuse anyway.

(((Distressed)) - In my honest opinion I don't think you should send him this letter. At the moment, your emotions are all too raw right now. A man who does this to his own sister in law, not to mention you were a child, doesn't have the compassion or common sense of a normal human being to absorb or comprehend what you would say in the letter - in other words you're more of a human than he is.

To talk about forgiveness for him at this point, is way too soon IMO because he's totally denying he did this and being abusive to you. He also abuses your sister and I'm sorry to say he's a disgusting person - you can't make common sense to this kind of man.

Completely block him from your email. I'm not saying that at some point you can find forgiveness, but not now when everything is so fired up. I think it would be a big mistake to send it. Forgiving him at this point would be making it so easy for him. Be patient and don't make any decisions - you're too upset to think logically. I think you should speak to your therapist - my heart goes out to you.

CORRECTION:

Maybe i'm using the wrong words to describe this letter. Its not really a forgive forgiveness letter, but more like a I can see right through you sort of letter. But I do also mention forgiving him because then I can snatch my power back. SO I'd call it more of a calling him out letter?

Sorry, maybe i couldn't clarify properly above.

OK! "MENTALLY UNDRESSING HIM LETTER", is what I'd call it.

As of right now, I'm continuing to ignore his abusive texts and 10 stalker phone calls a day, I've told him to leave me alone but he won't.

Not sure if i'm doing the right thing by ignoring him completely or if thats really breeding more abuse from his side?

I also feel that by sending him this letter i'm taking the power away from him by letting him know i can see through him and his threats are not scaring me?

I would definitely not. I don't see what good could come from it. No, he will not see the error of his ways and will likely only get nastier. You've already confronted him and there's not really any reason to do it again.

Ignoring him really is your best bet. I might even go so far as to change your number if that's possible.

Sounds like you want something here that I don't think you are going to get from him. A man who beats his wife and molests children is not going to give you the good outcome that you want.

Thanks for explaining more ((Distressed2010)). Even a confrontation letter wouldn't be a good idea. In your mind you think it would be good, but you need to understand he doesn't think like you or me. In reality, he has abused and manipulated you and your sister for years - he' the one in control and he's not about to give it up by reading a letter, regardless of how well it's written. The best thing to do is, ignore him and block his contact with you but do let your sister know he's harassing you. You know those fish in the sea called a 'Puffer Fish" - they puff up as their defense - that's what he's doing ATM. He wants all the women in his life to back off so he can be in control again. Tell your sister he's intimidating you and make it clear to her, you're not afraid. Praying for strength.

Sannah, thanks.

yeah, I never expected a good response from him, I did expect him to feel ashamed though, which he's not doing.

He's also making me relive the guilt and shame i used to feel when this happened. and that time i couldn't do anythign about it because i didnt know whats going on. Today, I'm more wise and know whats going on so i feel like I need to settle that shame and guilt he made me feel and throw it back onto him perhaps??

I am getting so angry at the texts he's sending me that I want to turn around and just slap him on his face with my letter. After that letter, if he continues to abuse me, it wouldn't bother me (i'm thinking it wouldnt) because I feel I'll have stung him where he needs to be stung.

He thinks he's very invisible and people fear him, but we don't fear him, we just avoid him coz he's such a drama queen and so abusive.

He constantly brags about money, bu tthat's the only thing he has left now, no one likes him.

Maybe this is more about me finding a way to put my anger into place and I feel whenever I speak out ilke this, it makes me feel better.

I know about the whole "write a letter and don't send" thing but it never seems to work for me unless i "tell" the other person what i think.

Thanks Lynn! Btw, your poofy fish example made me laugh thanks for that.

Just wanted to say in the forum what i said to you in PM that telling my sister that he's abusing me wont do anything. Infact i'e already told her, she said he will do this because this is what he does and she told me to ignore it.

But it still bothers me because it sticks in my head. When i say this to her she says "oh are you afraid? " but i'm not afraid, i'm just angry!!!

I get afraid when my OTHER sister tells me oh he's gonna ruin you, that's what he says .. what if he does this to you, what if she does that to you. STOP PUTTING FEAR IN MY HEAD! then i get more angry because instead of comforting me, she's making me fear him and return to my shell.

She's the same sister that, years ago when I told her what he did, she told me never to tell anyone coz no one would beleive me. She also told me, " He tried to do this with me too, but I was smart, I didn't give in". that made me feel like crap at that time!

And when I told her the other day, stop putting me fear in my head and doing what if's, she accused me of being overconfident. If I'm trying to console myself and telling myself dont' be scared, how is this overconfident???

so sorry to hear you are caught in this trap again, Distressed,, hope you find some Legal Counsel, who can guide you in the best ways to defend yourself from what could become a very nasty situation,,, please don't imagine he is going to just let this go, now that you have stirred it up,,, there is a good chance he will still feel the need to crush you,, get your defenses ready, save his emails,, record any phone calls,, be Proactive ~!! and get some expert advice,, call the local Domestic Violence line,, Please take measures to protect yourself ~!

sending the letter will not sting him anywhere because he simply doesn't care. he will not feel shame because he is incapable of it. he wouldn't know shame if it bit him in his pompous ***.

maybe staple a picture of him to the letter and burn it. yes, i know it would be more satisfying to spit in the face of your abuser and call him out for what he is. but you've already done that and doing it again will only yield the same results that you've already yielded. nothing but more anger and frustration for you. sometimes we have to simply say 'i'm done with this' and accept that we can't 'show them' anything. does that make sense? you're going to keep going in circles and potentially perpetuating abuse from him if you keep trying to let him know you're angry and see he's an idiot. he knows that. he just simply doesn't care. if he cared what you thought or how you felt, he'd never have done what he did in the first place.

anyway. if you keep the letter around, you'll probably end up waving it in his face. and that won't do you ANY good. it will likely hurt you more though. so why bother inflicting more trouble on yourself?

you can not FIX him. there is nothing you can do but turn and walk the other way. if you can't do it today, your best bet would be to stand your ground, ignore him, and wait patiently for the day you can get the heck out of there.

I like Lynn's puffer fish too. that is exactly what he's doing.

Happy the Puffer Fish made you guys chuckle ...we need that today. I agree with Gus1234 and invisigirl. Now that I know your sister(pedophiles wife) isn't supporting you, then don't talk or try to reason with her either. I know you said you're an American in a foreign country and the police aren't good. I'm thinking there might be at least a couple police officers who are good ones -ask for a female officer. The majority of the countries in our world aren't sympathetic to pedophiles. Is it possible to just call and explain, you would like to speak to someone who handles SA and child assault. Tell them you've been abused since you were 11 and now that you told you're being threatened and see what they say. I think if they warn him, he'll back off. Think about doing this and save all the texts. Tell the family members who aren't supporting you to back off. No I don't think you're being over confident - you have the right to stick up for yourself and be assertive.

Don't read his texts.

I do feel the urge to report to the police but he's threatened me (indirectly through my other sister) that he wants to come to my house, make me angry so i call the police, and then I should watch what he can do with the police. He wants me to do something with the police so he can bribe them and make them do what he wants.

My mom also won't let me go to the police because

1. she doesn't trust them, and thinks they might hurt me in return.
2. she doesn't want my sexual abuse to get out to outsiders, in this country, people rarely support, they usually criticize and blame who ever is the victim. Its the victim that gains a bad rep because somehow now she's suffered a tragedy and is messed up.

And don't you think that he's sending me abusive texts in return calling me a drug addict and saying things about me that aren't true would go against him if he presses defamation charges on me?

Okay, now I'm really panicking. Thankyou Gus for warning me, I understand you were just making me watch out for myself but I'm sort of panicking because I don't want to be in a court "defending" myself and reliving the experience. I really don't want that unless I'm the one pressing charges becuase then I'm mentally prepared.

help!

i agree with Gus, record times and dates of every abusive call, record them if poss, save all his txts and emails to you, record dates times and discription of any contact he has with you, be it a bad look across a car park to a full blown whatever! the more evidence you have the better your defence.

As sad as it sounds.. it doesn't really seem like your family is willing to support your cause right now.. sometimes i think like invisigirl said.. you just have to make peace with that.. some people are just limited and can't cope. You seem like you're trying to cope but it honestly sounds like you're dragging yourself through more of it than you need. He's making your life miserable.. if your sisters are turning on you and housing him.. that's not anything you can control..denial is what makes families that allow this stuff so dysfunctional in the first place. find a way to focus the energy you're putting into bringing him down, into yourself.. you deserve the effort not him. He's clearly just using this as an opportunity to torture you more..

Distressed, I would keep it out of the courts over there. You will not get support there and the abuse happened in the USA. I agree with Mistyeyed, I would try to let it drop. Nothing is going to be accomplished now but frustration. You told, everyone knows, nothing can be prosecuted there, let it cool down.