Abusers - Thinking sorry is enough to heal.

Try finding a copy of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I'm sure it will be as helpful to you as it has been to me. I now believe that you do not have to forgive these people who were so horrible to you. Hope this helps!

my mom does know the truth. the person in my post claiming I wasn't a good daughter was a friend of 7 years and she said that because I refused to let her back into my life while she was still drunk and hi. I know I was doing what was right by standing up for myself and my son. and standing up for myself was the right thing to do against my family. I lost alot of step brothers and step sisters but I gained something more important - ME and my freedom. No matter what guilt complexes my ex friend pulled I have no regrets for doing what I did to keep myself and my son safe.

That's good that you were able to stick up for yourself. Sorry about me getting mixed up about your mum. My brain is like a big washing machine at the moment, can't concentrate well. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

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CJR520 said:
Try finding a copy of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I'm sure it will be as helpful to you as it has been to me. I now believe that you do not have to forgive these people who were so horrible to you. Hope this helps!

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good book . . . knew it was effective when i threw it across the room in anger

just came on this...
I don't think the abuser really knows the depth of damage done. Perhaps they think that "I'm sorry for any pain and hurt I've caused you" covers it. Not so...it'll never cover it...not even close...nothing is ever the same again...everything changes...everything about life is different...I have said I've forgiven my abusers, but that doesn't mean the pain and the hurt and the fear have gone away.
Crystal

The pain, hurt and fear never seem to go away. Will they ever go away? I wonder how I can endure having to see this person for the rest of my life. I wish I lived in a place where there was no chance that I would ever have to see them again. I actually have to go somewhere tonight and I know he'll be there. I'm dreading it so so much. I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep on going like this.

Had to look at my Toxic Parents book to try to help you out here. See if this makes sense to you. Emotional and mental peace comes as a result of releasing yourself from your abusers control, without having to forgive them. And that release can come only after you've worked through your intense feelings of outrage and grief and after you've put the responsibility on THEIR shoulders where it belongs.
I can't stand yelling either, because that went on in our home every day when I was young. Bullying is basically what I call it. My son bullies his 8 year old, and yells and demeans, and it is just like going back many years. I know how you feel, I really do. Things that are said, or sights, or smells, or songs might remind you of bad times, but you will be o.k. You do not have to speak to your abuser and pretend. They know what they did. Don't let them play mind games with you. I care!!

You're so right about things reminding us. Everything seems to remind me of them sometimes. Or I'll go into a shop and the person serving me will have the same name. Or i'll hire out a movie and there they are, the main actor has the same name. Just hearing the persons name brings terror.
Thanks for caring.

We live with one of our abusers...things have changed some, but somethings will never change. One part has chosen to spend the rest of her life with him. The rest of us are struggling...
Crystal

That must be really hard. How do you manage that?

(((hugs))) if you wish them. I, too, am a Christian. The act of forgiving is for our own good... not something required at all... in that sense. What was described ... where you referred.... leaves something to be desired in the English language. Forgiving someone over and over or even once means they have repented of their behavior, and have ASKED you to forgive them. Be gentle with yourself on this, ok? God doesn't exact such punishment on us in this!

Thanks for the hugs Sky. I am so glad that we are able to forgive. It's such a good feeling to forgive and be forgiven. I didn't understand what you meant about God doesn't exact such punishment on us in this. Can you say that stuff in another way so I might understand it. I might need to go back to school or read the dictionary more often. He he

sorry to be confusing God isn't the one who punishes us for not forgiving... it's US who do that... it's no different than any other good thing He wishes for our life, for us... forgiveness helps the one giving it, first imo. Don't beat yourself up over feeling the need to forgive someone who 1) doesn't deserve it and 2) hasn't asked for it.

Ok. I won't beat myself up. sometimes I would get confused because I would forgive this person and then he would say that I haven't. So he would really mess with my head. He would say that he feels sorry for me becuase I won't forgive him and all this sort of horrible nonsense. It is really cruel. But I do forgive him, and then I worry that maybe I haven't forgiven him.

Why is it that I am still scared of the people who abused me when I was a child? Why do they expect me to treat them as if nothing ever happened? Why can't they see that the things they did were wrong? Why can't they see the truth? Or is it just that they cannot live with the guilt? But they expect me to live for them.