[radio_flyer]

Have no idea what got me thinking about this tonight. Here goes a most embarrasing question I think I have ever asked. Puter is set on small print so is extra hard for me to read what I am typing. rolls eyes at myself for "whatever"..

Well, does childhood sexual abuse mess up ones adult sex life. Maybe what brought this up is I am thinking of replacing my queen size bed with a double bed so I will have more room in my bedroom. Then the thought popped up.. A single bed? As to question my own idea of even thinking of a single bed. A single bed fits only "one".. Well hello... that is ok with me....but why is it ok?

OK.. to the point...Most of my life, I've either "froze" during sex or afterwards gagged with dry heaves after just "normal sex". It isn't so much that I didn't want sex, seems my body didn't want it or something was keeping me for the normal enjoyment of sex.. Is it possible I was reacting as maybe I somehow reacted as a child rather than the me as an adult. I don't know if that is even possible. Just thought I asked. Kind of irks me that I can't say I had a wonderful sex life.. Seems all I could muster up was feeling dirty and just awful.. Isn't that just the pitts??? Isn't like I haven't tried.

I'd even make plans ahead and be determined to enjoy but no matter how hard I tried, the end results were the same. So could this possibly be one of the side effects of childhood sexual abuse?

SHhhhhhhhhh... If we could have two nics on this side I would have used another nic... lol...

[Yoda]

I think it depends on the person, what has happened to this person and what support s/he has received after the abuse and what the significant other is like. I never had big issues about adult sex but there was certainly a big difference in how much I enjoyed it depending on the person I was with.

And by the way a queen size bed is only 4 inches wider than a full size bed.

[radio_flyer]

Aww geesh --- a double bed is only 4 inches smaller than a queen.. Well if I change my bed, guess it will have to be a single bed because 4 inches isn't going to give me much more room.... My queen size bed takes up 80% of my room...

The guys I have been with were guys I really cared about and loved. I wanted to have sex with them. Unfortunately, the outcome was not pleasant for me.. But then I didn't remember the childhood stuff until I was in my early 40s. Even remembering the past did not change my reactions during sex or after..

When I remembered the past (I don't know how I reacted as a child to the stuff happening or exactly what happened) but anyway I was determined to change my reactions. For whatever reason, no matter how much I was determined and tried, the dirty feelings, dry heaves whatever happened without my consent.. So maybe it has nothing to do with childhood? Guess I was just wondering...

[skeksi]

Childhood abuse can definitely affect your enjoyment of sex as an adult. I was physically abused, not sexually, and it's still a mess for me to be physically intimate. So you are definitely not alone with this struggle.

For whatever reason, no matter how much I was determined and tried, the dirty feelings, dry heaves whatever happened without my consent..

I wonder if it is like your body is trying to say something. Maybe some part of you wasn't comfortable in those situations and this was the only way you could express it. It strikes me that you say these reactions happened "without your consent," because the abuse happened without your consent, too. It seems like an important connection.

[mgran]

I sleep in a single bed. It's a way for me to feel safe. I did have a happy sex life with my second husband (who died) but I have no desire to be intimate with anyone else. The whole process of losing him was so traumatic, I can't imagine ever being close with anyone again, I couldn't bear to live through that again. At the time I didn't realise how much I was going through, but that's because I loved him so much that it was natural to care for him above and beyond. Only later did I realise that I was absolutely and utterly exhausted, as well as grieving. I don't think I will ever recover.

[Sannah]

Sounds like you need to work through all of this in therapy.

[Open Eyes]

radio flyer,

Sannah is right, you do need therapy with this. But I can tell you that it sounds to me like you are experiencing invading feelings and troubles even though you try your hardest to not have that happen. Even though you want to give yourself permission to trust and enjoy you cannot seem to allow yourself to have that, there is a reason and you need to find out.

You may not remember what you felt as a child because 1. you didnt know what to feel as a child, 2. you may have just disassociated those feelings and somehow pushed them aside, however they are never really pushed aside. 3. you may have a deep sense of guilt that you never dealt with and any effort to have deep physical contact truely upsets you no matter how you try to avoid it.

Hope that helps, find a good therapist that you feel comfortable with enough to discuss this delicate subject.

Open Eyes

[JustWannaDisappear]

Originally Posted by radio_flyer

Have no idea what got me thinking about this tonight. Here goes a most embarrasing question I think I have ever asked. Puter is set on small print so is extra hard for me to read what I am typing. rolls eyes at myself for "whatever"..

Well, does childhood sexual abuse mess up ones adult sex life. Maybe what brought this up is I am thinking of replacing my queen size bed with a double bed so I will have more room in my bedroom. Then the thought popped up.. A single bed? As to question my own idea of even thinking of a single bed. A single bed fits only "one".. Well hello... that is ok with me....but why is it ok?

OK.. to the point...Most of my life, I've either "froze" during sex or afterwards gagged with dry heaves after just "normal sex". It isn't so much that I didn't want sex, seems my body didn't want it or something was keeping me for the normal enjoyment of sex.. Is it possible I was reacting as maybe I somehow reacted as a child rather than the me as an adult. I don't know if that is even possible. Just thought I asked. Kind of irks me that I can't say I had a wonderful sex life.. Seems all I could muster up was feeling dirty and just awful.. Isn't that just the pitts??? Isn't like I haven't tried.

I'd even make plans ahead and be determined to enjoy but no matter how hard I tried, the end results were the same. So could this possibly be one of the side effects of childhood sexual abuse?

SHhhhhhhhhh... If we could have two nics on this side I would have used another nic... lol...

I was abused both physically and sexually as a child. I don't like being touched at all, and after being intimate with my husband I feel awful. It's like an automatic reaction, I just cry. Usually I go into the bathroom right away so he doens't know. I have no interest in sex. I can at times be okay with it, but I am usually zoned out during.. only way I can be okay is if I'm drinking or taking pills. I've never told my T this because I'm so ashamed to admit it.

[mgran]

Just want to Disappear, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I was beaten as a child, had a truly horrible sexual experience in my teens, and found sex very difficult at first. Then, just as I was getting comfortable with it, my son was born... a wonderful event, unfortunately marred by the fact that his father was jealous of the attention I was giving our baby, and insisted on his marital rights when I was still full of stitches. It felt like being raped all over again, and i cried my eyes out. I didn't say "stop" however, and he insisted he was being "gentle", so he didn't see it as rape. I did. Seven stitches tore, and I'm almost certain I was sick. After that I hated sex again, for months and years... until I met my second husband, who was truly loving and gentle.

What I'm trying (and probably failing) to say with these examples is that horrible things can happen to us, but we can recover. I have had positive sexual experiences, despite the horrendous ones, and I cherish the memories of the times I had with my second husband... particularly the first time, and most poignantly the last time, which was utterly unexpected for both of us. We can heal, but we shouldn't feel like we have to push ourselves. Let it happen as it does. I've also used pills and alchohol to enable me to have sex, but the best sex I ever had was with eyes wide open, and heart full of joy and acceptance. It really can happen... but can't be forced. There's nothing to feel ashamed of in telling your therapist about the issues you are struggling with. Don't be ashamed, ever.

[Open Eyes]

((((((((mgran )))))) (((((((((Justwannadisappear))))))))

I am so sorry, it IS very hard. ME TOO!

Open Eyes

[kaliope]

I have panic attacks and start crying after sex. I have never admitted that outloud to anybody. I havent had sex in like 15 years now. it just seems easier this way.

[radio_flyer]

skeski.. Interesting point you brought to my attention..The childhood stuff without my consent and the adult "reactions" without my consent. There does seem to maybe be a connection there. Didn't even notice it when I typed it..

Am sorry you experienced physical abuse as a child. So so sad when children are abused. Children are meant to be "loved" and not abused in any way..

It is sometimes very hard to understand how our childhood affects the "the core" of our being. My "mind" is already running away from all this stuff which is clear I don't deal well with things are aren't so "great" in my life. I have absolutely no feelings associated with the "not so good stuff" as a child and I am trying at this very moment to stay focused and yet I feel "blank" and/or detached.. Seems one way or another I've lived a lot of my life detached.. maybe I am just tired. will finish responding to this thread at another time..

[radio_flyer]

Just want to add a thanks to everyone that re sponded. I really intended to respond to each and everyone one. Am sorry I can't do that right now. I just want to say I really appreaciate each and everyone's response and I do care and need to re spond but at this point, can't right now.. Will return when I am more focused on the topic..
to everyone

Just adding ... I think a had a moment of feeling vulnerable when I started this thread. Seems I don't feel very vulnerable at the moment and my mind wemt blank and rather than fumbling about trying to say something is best for now I lay quiet.. Please forgive me for being so silly... or whatever it might be called...I don't know what happened...

[yellowted]

Childhood experiences definitely messed up ay chance of me having a healthy adult sex life, even with my late partner who died after 10 years together i never felt ok woth sexual activities and like Mgran i can not imagine ever getting another partner, illness, death and grief are too hard to deal with again.
bed size does not bother me, it is who i allow on it that matters!

[Butterflies Are Free]

Yes, it can affect how you feel. I was sexually abused, although not with forced sex and I have never been in a relationship or had sex at all because I am so afraid of it.
This fear comes directly from what I experienced as a child and a teenager and so I know from firsthand experience that sexual abuse can change how you feel about adult sex.