Do You Really Survive?

hi Bugg,

My surface self would never discuss anything personal with people. It was bad this week at work - I cut my arm so badly that I wrapped it for a few days and told people that I burned it.

The wrap came off yesterday and there were all the slices. It was horrible. I refused to answer anyone's questions.

((((Huggs))))) even though you may feel embarrassed by people seeing your cuts, try to be as open and honest with at least one person you can trust. you shouldn't have to suffer alone.

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>

All in all though, did I survive? I exist, I breathe, but I'm not me - and haven't been for years. I don't even know "me" anymore..........

Surviving implies living to me....I am not "living". I am alive, yes. But I carry the scars and the memories with me everyday of my life and always will.

I can only cry right now, my heart goes out to you, b/c that is exactly the way I feel!

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...

When I was struggling with similar issues, my psychology professor gave me insight that, though it crushed me initially, helped me tremendously in the long run: You will never be able to go back to what life was before. I couldn't believe it at first--what did she mean, I couldn't go back?! My whole life was dedicated to becoming the person I used to be, the person I should have been!

She helped me see that my scars were being used to make me into a different person--not better or worse, just different. The scars and memories would always be there, though the pain would fade. After accepting that I couldn't go back, I stopped hating the new me and started trying to figure out who I am supposed to become. And though it may seem hard to believe--the pain did begin to fade after all. And I now realize that the ways in which I am still scarred enable me to help others in ways I could not have before, so that I feel empowered in spite of my past.

I hope this helps. Good luck as you continue working through your past.

I didn't know "me" before either......always suppressed her because somehow I knew...now b/c of therapy she has come out and made such a mess of things.

I functioned better before she was released......the pain has been worse ever since.

Thank you - your post made me think, esp. about the scars making you into a different person.

I don't hate "me" I just wish I could bury her again........her attachment to the therapist is not good and always overrides what should be done.

You've given me pause for thought - thank you.

me and you both Mary Alice

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...

Life sucks........lol. "She" is incapable of lying to do what needs to be done. Unfortunately my T is giving her everything that she craves - caring, concern, compassion - and this gives her the stronger edge right now.

I believe we will survive, although the battle becomes a war at times. I know eventually within time when I know he's dead and my thinking returns back to normal, the pain will fade. The scars & memories will be what makes me stronger and even though at times I may be weak. I value the fact that I am still here. Just trying to live day by day & night by night tyring to not fear the fear, I fear. I hate the person I have become but, only b/c I'm not sure who she is supposed to be. Thank you for the post.

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...

At times life sucks, It's the misery that comes along with it... LOL
I'm so happy that your T makes you feel good that Is so immportant that you find someone you can feel comfortable with. unfortunatly I have not found that T nor that Medication... life for now is ok

*Duchess

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...

I have often asked myself the same question. Yes, I am here, but I feel like I'm going thru the motions, or as you said, I exist. I was abused also growing up by parents, students and teachers, following abusive men, and finally I was physically raped at 24 by 2 police officers. That was 20 yrs. ago but I still live with that horrible fear, distrust, bad dreams, scary thoughts about others, and low self-esteem. Most say they'd never know it. I have had some counseling over the years, and have been told I was a master of repression. Well I guess, I didn't want to live in the problem. I want to feel less vulnerable, but I can't help but guard all my actions, and often it is to no avail. How did I marry another that was abusive?? I don't like being or feeling pessimistic, but when I look inside that is where I have been a long time. I have panic disorder, and PTSD and I have spent years wanting to improve, but don't know how. Other people seem to have improved their lives and living... that gives me hope, and feelings of gladness that they have overcome and survived. Now that I have shared my misery and empathy with you maybe we should listen to the overcomers here. I surely hope life gets better for us and all survivors... Meanwhile from my cave (as I call it), I'll sit and listen. I wish you good luck and all the happiness yet to be had.

My mother and I don't have a relationship at all. I really tryed to have one with her. I don't think she does. I want my family to want me, but they don't. I cry alot. I understand some of what you are going through.