Not Typical

My husband is not the typical abuser. It has taken him over 2 weeks to even admit he was abusive and then apologize for it. This happened today........no hug, no sincerity, no promise not to do it again. He immediately followed that by saying I'm going to town and left for over 4 hours. When he returned he was aloof and didn't want to talk.

My son suggested maybe he was in denial all this time and now is ashamed??? All I know is that I'm very down because I thought we had gotten past this kind of stuff.

Ozzie... I'm so sorry.

What's your limit? It's very unfair to you. What would your advice be to another woman in your situation?

Your husband is in denial, just like mine.

(((((((((((((Ozzie)))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((susan))))))))))))))

I really wish that I had some answers for you. I understand your saying that you feel you can't take any "drastic" measures. I really do. I wonder about that myself if hubby were to resort back to some of behaviors from the early days. I'm in NO position to go anywhere.

Please stick closely to family and are you still seeing T? Possibly you should see t a bit more often while you're gaining support through this and trying to understand this last episode.

I hope and pray that as he's getting older, he realizes how inappropriate this is and wonder very much if ANYTHING he did would be ok for another man to do to one of his most loved family members?

Hubby here has never been physically abusive. However, there were some behaviors early on that were controlling/emotionally abusive. I asked him how he would feel if a man treated his baby girl as he'd been treating me. I took it a step further and asked him if his daughter would have the right to start "hating" this man. It was a turning point in his behavior.

I hope alot for you right now, Susan.

KD

{{{{{{susan}}}}}} Sorry to hear you are down..and going through this again, hun. =(

Susan,

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this

I think what Kimmy had to say was very good-- I hope saying something like --- "How would he like his daughter treated that way?"--- will help him realize how he is making you feel.

Not sure if this would help you... but when my husband is going through a rough time and he starts acting agitated... recently-- I've been trying to really listen to him and help support him--- as I do believe that most abusers are very scared and/or sad people inside. Or another option -- if he would agree to it, could be going to see a counselor. If he won't go, maybe you could just go.

Thinking of you and hoping things turn for the better-- please be safe.

mandy

ozzie, your hubby needs help. You don't have to put up with it. Have you told him how it makes you feel? Like say it in a calm tone and use "I" statements if possible.

Hang in there, we're here for you.

(((((((((((((((((ozzie))))))))))))))) I am so sorry,

Thanks for your reply. My advice to another woman in my exact circumstances would be, "take the time you need to feel hurt and then do the things that will help you to feel better. As far as your future goes, make the best decision for you."

I'm sorry we're in the same boat. (((((((time0)))))))))

Thanks Kimmy. My husband totally supported my daughter when she divorced her husband for being controlling. My husband doesn't accept that he has a problem.

I'm not going anywhere.....except further behind the wall I've built.

Thank you for caring. ((((((((((Beautiful)))))))))

Thanks for your reply Mandy. My husband is in such denial that listening to him when he is upset causes me a lot of anxiety. He blames everyone else for his problem.....regardless of what the problem is. Right now I feel like I can't listen and support him anymore......

This evening I told him how his anger made me feel.....it was all calm. He doesn't care!!! He went right back to watching tv. I didn't make dinner this evening and he asked my son if I was still on strike. He doesn't understand anyone's pain but his own.

Thank you for caring (((((((((bipolar bear)))))))))))

Are all men control freaks!!! I can quit here at the forums fairly easily but I can't quit a 40 year marriage. At my age, financial security and companionship mean a hell of a lot. I'm sorry if that makes me seem like a glutton for punishment. I'm really not. My therapist has helped me make the decision that is in my best interest. Sometimes I just need some understanding.

Forgive me for talking to myself.

((((((((((((((Ozzie)))))))))))))))))) I can understand how important those things are to you. Only you have all the facts and can make the decision. I for one support you whatever that may be. You have thought through this decision and made the best solution for you. That is what is important. I am glad that your t helped you work through your circumstances. If I can be of any help please feel free to contact me. Take care and be safe.

Sometime even if we build walls there is no security. Please be safe dear one!

You can pm me anytime. I understand.

((((((((((((((Ozzie))))))))))

ozzie.....after all we have gone through in our long marriages.it is not wrong to want security and companionship.......i am so sorry that you are having such a hard time.....communication is key but i know that your husband makes this impossible at times......i'm here if you need me

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Susan}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I know exactly what you mean about financial security and companionship... although the companionship part is doubtful. Only you can make those decisions for yourself. Only you know what is most important to you. I've made the same decision as you have. But you know, with Jerry and me, it's only the two of us. It's "dirty pool" for your husband to drag your son into his own problems. He's not only abusing you, he's abusing your son. Your son should tell his dad to leave him out of it and refuse to discuss anything... even allow him to make nasty remarks to him about the problem.

Only other thing I can say is stop doing ANYTHING for your husband. When you cook, cook ONLY for you and your son, when you do laundry, wash ONLY your clothes and your son's, if you do still do it, when you go out, don't say a word to him, only to your son if he needs to know. Walk out if he starts yelling at you, BUT... if I was you, if he strikes you CALL THE COPS! NO ONE has the right to strike another person! Chances are, they'll only slap his wrists the first time. That may be enough to bring him to his senses and he'll realize that you're not going to put up with his crap. You have to set your boundaries, Susan. Right now, he's doing it because HE CAN. You need to re-teach him how to treat you!

You know I'm right here... right behind you.

(((ozzie)))) I'm just reading this.. sorry.

You can build a separate life while still having him around. I still think it's a miserable situation. If he won't get a hobby to take out his agression and take up his time, then you need to find things that will keep you coping without his input.

We all have to make changes as we age. His retiring last year (?) was a big change, and he might continue to change because of it (good or bad.)

I think you still need to have emergency procedures and plan b in place...just in case... to give you a safer feeling.

No, not all men are control freaks. Neither are they all abusive. It's unacceptable. Regardless of whether he thinks the problem is any part his, he is going to change, because YOU are TC of yourself lady!

Oh, what a crowded "boat" this could be...because
I don't think that there is a typical.......abuser
Your abuser simply knows YOUR areas of weakness and exploits them....for us...the turning point was open counseling..where I could express how hurt I was and how abused I felt.....(and do it freely)...my partner was truly stunned and though we're not Ward and June...we definitely have a better grip on our behavioural patterns towards each other....good luck and lots of love....grace

Thank you ((((((((((bipolar_bear)))))))))))

Thanks a bunch (((((((((Time0))))))))

Thanks Julia. You've been a big help.