Where to start

I guess i better start at the beginning. I'm still way nervous about writing this but here it goes anyway.
I'm not sure where the fine line between abuse and punishing is. It seems some people say hitting is always wrong and other people say you need to hit your kids sometimes.
As long as I remember our parents were into the last one. My mother not so much but she would tell my dad about it if we did something wrong and then he would hit us anyway.

When we were 3 or 4 he would just pull us over his knee and hit us a few times but when we got older he would also make us do other stuff.
He would embaress us by pulling down our pants and putting us over his knee to hit us when other kids were over up to about 9 years old.
He makes us drink a glass of soapwater or big spoon of sambal. He has a lot of belts and he either uses the one he is wearing or makes us get one and give it to him and then we have to take our shirt or pants off and he hits us with it. Same with making us get twigs or kitchen stuff like the big wooden spoons. He has ropes in the bikeshed too.
It always leaves bruises but no broken skin or anything unless he's drunk then he can't control himself. Thankfully he is not drunk very often. But theres not a week that goes by that he doesnt hit us all atleast once.
Most of it is done in secrecy, he doesnt want our mom to know most of the time. Now that im sick he dont hit me as much but now my twinbrother gets most of it I feel really bad about that.

Sometimes my father comes in my room. This is also when the nightmares started.
I remember when i was 5 he would come in to my room and lay down next to me and he would put his hand in my underwear and touch me. And he would look at me in the shower and help me soap up.
And one day i broke a glass by accident and he dragged me upstairs by my ear, i was 6 i think. He pulled down my pants and put me over his knee and whipped me with a haircomb. And then he put his own pants down and told me to take his p***s in my hands i was scared and confused and hurting and when i didn't do what he asked me to do he took my shirt off and whipped me with his belt. Then he put his thing in my mouth. From then on he kept doing these things and sometimes if he was going to punish me he let me chose my punishment, a whipping or these other things. But usually he then did what he wanted anyway.
It was about a week after he put his thing in my mouth that he made me lie down on my stomach with my pants off. I expected another beating because i had pushed my sister that morning and she'd cried as if i had tried to kill her. My mother had already put me over her knee but my dad always would hit us too. Well i did get another beating, with a belt this time. But then after he was finished whipping me he put his own pants down so i was getting up because i thought i had to put it in my mouth, but he pushed me back and put a few fingers in my b..t and then he put himself on top of me... i was in much pain already but this hurted so much more. He had put his hand over my mouth though otherwise i would have probably screamed loud enough to be heard by the entire house.
He then laughed and got up it had been maybe 5 minutes but it had felt like hours to me. He dragged me to the shower and yelled at me 'Look what you made me do to you! Can't you be a good kid for once!' And he made me promise not to tell anyone otherwise he would have to do it to that person too. And then he told me to strip down and get in the shower and yelled at me some more and left the shower.
I didn't get any dinner because he had told my mother i had been rude to him when we were upstairs. She told me i should feel lucky he 'only pulled me over his knee for a minute' and ordered me to help her cook the food i wasnt getting any from. Thankfully my sister and twinbrother sneaked some food upstairs cause they felt bad for me.
Even now we're much older he still does these things to me and he regularly pulls us over his knee and stuff. He don't touch my sister and older brother much though. I guess cause my sister is the 'baby' and the only girl and my older brother is getting stronger then my father. Now that im sick he mostly hits my twinbrother but he does these other things to me still. It makes me feel ... idk.. dirty i guess. And ashamed.
When i failed the schoolyear he did hit me though that still hurted two weeks later. I should have tried harder but i missed so much school they said, they couldnt pass me.
I know it isnt normal but he claims he has to do it cause i put him under so much pressure all the time. And because im sick all the time i have to repay him for lost time and money and stuff because they have to do so much for me and there's a lot of stuff they cant do cause of me. I feel like im such a burden sometimes maybe they are better of without me. But then my brother would be alone.

Your dad's hitting you any time he's out of control (drunk, angry, whatever) is abuse. Hitting you with a belt or rope hard enough to cause bruising probably would qualify as abuse also, depending on where you live.

Any idea why he's singled you & your twin out? Have you ever talked with your mom about this?

You need to talk with someone you trust--a teacher, counselor, sports or religious person, neighbor, friend's parent, doctor. Take your twin with you for support. Your dad needs help too. If he drinks a lot then alcohol may explain the degree of the beatings.

Please don't keep this a secret any longer, RubenRawr. You or your brother could be seriously injured if he gets drunk enough.

PS
Now with what you've added, this takes on a whole other dimension. More than ever, the secrets must end.

Please take this to whichever adult in your life you most trust. Do it now, however scary. It is scary, but going on as you are could turn out much scarier.

He doesnt get drunk very often. Maybe once every other month orso.
I know people say 'just tell someone'. But i cant seem to do it. Sweat breaks out just thinking bout it. And they might not even believe me. Its my word against that of my dad and everyone always believes the adult over the kid.

Tell a teacher, or a coach, or a doctor, or a person at your church or temple. There are rules those people have to follow, and one of them means taking a young person's report of abuse very seriously. Even if you don't feel like it's that bad or that often, you deserve to be safe and protected.

If you can't say the words, write them down and give them to one of the people I listed. You don't have to give details. But please, make someone aware of this situation. It's scary and hard to do that, I know. But you don't have to be alone in this. There are people who will believe you.

Did your dad tell you this? It's not necessarily true. Skeksi has given you really good suggestions here, about writing it down & who to see. These are the people who will believe you.

Not everone believes the adult. I am so sorry you are being abused. But just because you are taking taking this abuse does not mean that your siblings are not being harmed. I kow this because I am the oldest and had those thoughts and hopes. But that is not the way it works. The others may not tell you what is going on.

Doing the right thing for yourself and your siblings may also be the hardest thing in your life... but the right thing is to tell your principal or another person in authority the truth.

My heart goes out to you.

What you are discribing IS, without any doubt, CHILD ABUSE, ABUSE, AND EVEN SEXUAL ABUSE. Ok, now you know what it is, and abuser is one who does this and makes you feel that you can do nothing, WRONG, you have every right, no matter how old you are to stand up to your abuser. Do this now, break the abuse for not only you but I am sure that your siblings will get the same treatment AND this will escalate to more sexual abuse.

Make a copy if you can of your post here and take it to you school coucelor. I know your afraid but you have to stand up to being treated this way, otherwise you will continue to be abused by others, you will not understand your rights, and no one is bad enough to deserve being hit by belts and have sexual things happen as well. In fact your father should not be taking off your clothes, that is very wrong.

Stand up and do not accept this any more.

Open Eyes

Evidence can be gathered for sexual abuse. After he abuses you would be the best time to gather evidence. You deserve much better! Your dad tells you that it is your fault that he "has" to abuse you because this is how he hopes to keep you quiet. Your dad is not well. Please tell. We will support you.

I agree with every post, YOU NEED TO TELL SOMEONE.
Do it for yourself and your brothers and sister.

Your father is a sick man and your mother should be ashamed for letting this go so far.

I wish I could help, please be strong

Open Eyes had a great suggestion. You do not have to say or write anything more--just print out your post and give it to someone at school. I will emphasize again, it is their job to listen to you and take what you say seriously.

thanks for all of the advice im gonna need to think about it. and talk to my twin first.
I'm not sure if can tell/show people about this... It makes me so nervous.
I've been having nightmares every night since i posted bout this stuff.. My brother knows somethings up im gonna need to talk to him first but idk how he'll react.
My mother doesnt know about most of the abuse and esp not about the sxl abuse... I don't want to lose her what if they put her in jail too? i dont know... it's all so dmn hard and confusing.. :/

It's scary to tell, I know. You are brave to consider changing things. A family's secrets hurt everyone. Telling will give everybody a chance to get the help the need.

There is a really great hotline you can phone. It's called ChildHelp: 1-800-422-4453. Press 1 to speak to a counselor. They are open all day and night. They are a good place to call and help you sort out what your choices are and what would be best to do in the situation. If you call, no charge or listing for the call will appear on your phone bill, as long as you use a regular (landline) phone-- a cellphone bill will show you called.

This concern is exactly what the abuser is counting on, it is what gives them control. And I understand how you don't want to upset the family atmosphere, but you truely have to consider that if you do not tell, you are allowing not only yourself but your siblings to accept abuse. I am telling you, the sexual abuse WILL escalate and if it does you are risking the chances your siblings will become victims too. It is so wrong to allow them to think that it is better to stay quiet.

As far as your mother is concerned, I stayed quiet as well growing up, and only recently I told my mother after years and years. Mothers don't know and when they find out they are horrified and feel guilty, they suffer too. So you have to step out of being a victim of abuse. You cannot let this happen even one more time, it is truely wrong. Your father is mentally ill and he is getting satisfaction out of the abuse, WRONG.

You can talk to your siblings, but do not choose to remain victims as fear, don't convince them to keep some kind of silence pact. Because that is only agreeing to all becoming victims and learning how to be trapped and have a victim mentality.

I understand how you feel confused and powerless, and the fear of telling.
But you must truely understand, that is exactly what abusers put in place,
even if you don't think they are purposely controlling, they are. And that is truely not healthy for the family.

Open Eyes

skeksi and Open Eyes are only giving you facts, RubenRawr, and you can count on them. You were brave and strong enough to step forward. You must realize now that things will only get worse if you don't follow thru and put an end to these secrets now.

If you can call ChildHelp, that would be good. You'll know you'll always have someone with you, step by step.

Please dont be a victim any longer. Don't set that example for your siblings.

Rubenrawr,
Trust me you need to tell. I kept quiet for years thinking I was protecting my sisters only to find out later that they were being abused too, along with cousins. If you can't do it for you (and I totally get that feeling) then do it for the others.
NO ONE deserves to be treated like you are. I know you are scarce of the unknown but I can say without doubt the unknown is far safer then what you already know. Life does get better and you will feel the weight of what you have been through lifted from your shoulders.
Best Wishes, Cat

I just wanted to add here that if your mother doesn't know this is going on, no one is going to arrest her or take her away from you. So don't worry about that.
Open Eyes

its a big step im not sure i can be brave enough
but i think im gonna try get some more info on what would happen if i would tell anyone
maybe i can tell someone at the hospital there's this nurse ive known for years who is practically my mom away from home
but i dont know, i talked about it a little with my brother he thinks its a bad idea
He's scared too i think says he can take the beatings that its nothing.. Feels bad for me but what if they do tear us apart.. Everyone can say they won't but you dont know for sure till its to late..
Anyway thx for the replies again, everyone
Maybe someday i can be a little bit more like my signature

The nurse you trust would be a great person to tell! She cares about you and will want to make sure you are safe and protected like you deserve to be.

You're right, it is scary to tell, because you don't know exactly what will happen, and we don't know enough to say. But consider the fact that staying in an abusive situation is doing scary things to your mind and body. Your brother's too. He deserves safety and protection as much as you do.

Why would they tear you apart? Do you think they'd save you & leave the others to be abused some more? Why would they do that? It just doesn't make any sense at all.

They would probably remove your mom too, since she is probably being abused as well. If your dad is losing control with you when he's drinking, that's bound to be a wider problem.

The signature that you've chosen for yourself speaks volumes. You identify with it. I think you are much closer to it than you know.

Speak with your nurse friend. She is a friend. That is who you need to advise you now.

Take good care of you & your siblings. Let us hear from you.

If the mom can be protective they can ask the abuser to leave and he can get help also.

i talked with someone from the Rainn site about it they were really nice
the reason i did is cause my father is getting drunk more often lately and idk why but its usually because of me so i guess thats what it is
And the cancer might kill me eventually anyway but im scared for my brother i dont want him to get hurt like this or what if my father gets out of control and hits my brother just a little to much.
And if he tries to hit my older brother but cant cause he's not strong enough he takes it out on us.
My mother is away for the weekend with my sister and my older brother isnt home if he can help it anyway. Dad used a belt on us both this time :/
My brother has been lying on his bed for most part of the day thats not like him at all im starting to get worried.
And my father came into my room last night smelling of beer and well it still hurts it makes me feel so dirty and if i think of it i can feel and smell him as if it is happening again and he came to my room today too and i dont know how to ignore it anymore im just scared i wish theweekend was over already

Your family needs help..............

I am so sorry for this Ruben. This is terrible. I know it's hard because he is your father, she is your mother... They are wrong, parents can and are wrong. This should not be happening, not in the slightest way. I don't believe in abuse, not in the slightest form. But some people do agree that "spanking" or "whooping" are ok to a degree. I don't. None the less, when you use an instrument, when you make the child feel exposed and violated, that is without a doubt abuse. You are being abused. It's hard to accept it, but you are a victim right now and will continue to be until something is done to stop this terrible situation. I spent many years with those same stories... Many years with that same pain... A lot of your experiences are very similar to mine. It was hard to believe but he was wrong. He was sick, I was not the sick one. I was not the one messing up all the time, I was not the one who needed to be punished. I was the victim and he was the predator. Plain and simple, once you can believe that, you will start to feel much stronger and be able to get your life. Please tell a teacher, tell a family friend, tell an officer... Tell someone. This is the kind of pain that does not go away and the longer you are forced to endure it, the harder it will be for you to make a normal life for yourself when it's done. It is possible, I'm doing it myself now. But you have to say something. Even if it's just to one person, one person can change your world. Please find the courage to stand up and do something... You are in my thoughts and prayers (if you would like)

Take care of yourself please!

What did the person at RAINN say? Are you comfortable with the idea of calling back to talk with someone from there again?