[RainbowRoad]

I've heard that admission is the first part of healing. Whether that's true or no, I just recently was able to accept and admit to a trauma - and feel that I'm finally progressing forward. So I thought I would take it a step further, and "confess" here... to you... a group of people I do not know yet, but who are very likely to understand...

I was molested by my own father. He beat and choked me, and inserted something where it did not belong, all when I was kindergarten age. Later, he spanked me with a belt (barebottom) well into my early teens, while displaying a sadistic and perverted enjoyment in it. When I was in my 20's, he cornered me against my bed and confessed to fantasies of rape, and for raping actual women in his younger years, and then apologized for being a "bad father" to me. (He was dying, at the time.)

The damage done to me, mentally and emotionally, was extensive. I'm working on recovering, now. Getting my life back... for the first time, really. It's getting easier to speak of, each time I face it, though it still rips me apart inside. Suppressing the truth has taken most of my inner resources throughout my life. Now that I don't have to do so anymore, I feel a stirring of hope for my future.

I would have rather this been almost anything else in the world. I hate that my own father was this way. I hate that dad did all of this to me... and to others.

Thank you for reading. I wish you healing on your own journey, and love that does not hurt.

[peridot28]

Hi RainbowRoad, thank you for sharing your story with us. I think you are incredibly brave to take this step and acknowlege your pain. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You did not deserve it one bit.

I want you to know that I truly understand how you feel and what you're going through. I was sexually abused by my mother and I'm female. She brought man after man home and they all abused me, as well. My mother held me down while men abused me. So, please know that you have someone here who understands and relates.

It may seem like the pain will never end and that you are destined for a life of emotional turmoil, but rest in the fact that it does get better. It won't be tomorrow, next month, or even next year, but it will get better. I never thought in a million years that I could have the healing I'm experiencing at this moment. I would get very angry when someone would tell me it would get better, because it felt like they were dismissing my current pain, and I didn't feel validated. But, I'm saying this to you because I'm actually experiencing the healing I've longed for my whole life. I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but I have an amazing therapist and lots of wonderful friends who are so supportive and loving.

Are you in therapy? If not, I'd really encourage you to seek out a good therapist when you are ready; only when you're ready. I won't lie, therapy will be hard and will get worse before it gets better, but you need to have someone to support you and to help you deal with your trauma experience.

You said, "I feel a stirring of hope for my future." That is such a big step that you recognize that, because feeling hopeful when you have experienced what you have is an amazing thing to have.

If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to PM me. I love to listen and encourage. If it's okay, here is a great big hug:

[RainbowRoad]

Peridot, thank you so much. Your words are both encouraging and validating. I'm so very sorry that you were abused, and so horrifically. I am amazed that you are so well into healing and recovery. That is wonderful! You are so strong, and so compassionate. You give me hope.

I do have an appointment to see a psychiatrist, although it's a month away. I will get a referral from her to see a counselor/psychologist/therapist. Scheduling the appointment was one of the things that shook everything loose inside. A close friend of mine screwing up and crossing my bounderies was the triggering event that convinced me I need professional help. It's been like dominos....

Thank you again. And I welcome the hugs.

[bluemountains]

I, too, was abused by my father. Mine made me feel special at an early age, so I didn't understand that the many incidences of abuse were not okay until I was around regular fathers-fathers who allowed daughters to be little girls.
Good luck in your journey of healing. I am 6 months into mine, with many more to go. I battle being bipolar, too, another legacy that my father has given to me, so some days are much harder than others.
Bluemountains

[RainbowRoad]

That is terrible, Bluemountains. Making you feel special does not make it okay. I'm so glad that you are on the road to recovery, difficult though the journey be. Thank you so much for sharing something so sensitive.

[2bme]

Ok RainbowRoad. You got me doing something I havn't done in years. Just cried my eyes out! Emotions that died years ago. Maybe one day I can cry about my stuff as well. I wish you well on your road to recovery. And that the stirring of hope becomes an ocean. Be blessed.

[Open Eyes]

((((((RainbowRoad)))))))),

I see you're a new member of PC. Welcome to PC. I am very sorry that you experienced abuse from your father Rainbow it really pains me to hear that, after all you were just a child and deserved to be loved and protected. I think that it was very brave of you to finally find the courage to talk about it. I agree with peridot28 about the healing process and yes, it does slowly improve with good therapy and validation.

The one thing that stuck out to me is that at least your father did appologize and recognize that what he did was wrong. I know that it didn't take it away for you, but one thing I have read alot here is the wish that at least the abuser recognize and admit they abused. IDK, maybe in time you will be able to talk to others that do wish for that to happen and give them some insight.

(((((Hugs))))))
Open Eyes

[RainbowRoad]

2bme, I am honoured. I deeply hope that you are able to cry for your self, one of these days. You are worthwhile, and you are worth feeling for. Thank you for sharing your response with me. Stirs up tears of my own... I'm just so touched.

Open Eyes, thank you for your welcome and your empathy. You bring up something I hadn't thought on, before. It's true that dad was trying to apologize - even if the way he did it was triggering and scary to me. But he seemed to be... confessing. Trying to rid himself of his guilt, perhaps, before he died. The fact that my dad was a preacher, and hadn't ever felt free of all that he did... really speaks to me.

Maybe someday I'll be able to forgive him.
Not today, though.
Not today...

But I am truly thankful for the depth I find in each of you, here. You've all responded to my confession with such acceptance and vulnerability... I'm moved by your courage, all.

[Open Eyes]

There is a road we have to travel to become a SURVIVOR. The road is not easy for any of us, but if we are willing to allow ourselves to attain a sense of personal value and strength, beyond whatever we experienced in abuse, we CAN be a SURVIVOR.

And the truth is, WE DO DESERVE TO DO SO.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[WePow]

((((RainbowRoad))))) I am SO so sorry that your own father did that to you. I do understand. It is not fair that you were given this burden to carry. It is so wrong. It is evil. And I am sorry for the pain that it caused and for the pain you still face while healing.

I want to offer you a few things from my own journey. My father served some jail time for being a pedo that managed to get caught one time. It is difficult to admit out loud what was done to us. The fact that FAMILY could harm us in this way is brutal. A stranger - well ok. But family? They are who were supposed to protect us. And being able to wrap our heads around the fact that our own blood betrayed us in those ways is so inhumane. It is beyond evil. And it is a very great loss.
We can't get back a relationship with a dad who does not harm us. And that is wrong... and not fair.

It is a very serious loss to accept in our hearts. And it is OK to yell at the world or at your "Higher Power" if you need to do so. In fact, one of my most healing momments was two years ago when doing my trauma work and I went out to a secluded beach on the ocean and I YELLED and YELLED and YELLED for about three solid hours at the top of my lungs and pounded the waves with all my might! I cursed whoever was "in charge" and I cried and I stomped. I allowed myself to be angry. Totally.

After I felt and said all I needed to say and got it all out there into the universe, I was silent on the inside. And I felt a peace come over me that is beyond words. I felt the universe had heard me. And then I felt at my feat in the ocean and there was a HUGE conche .... this was out on a beach that had hardly any shells. It was the universe giving me something new. It could never give me back what a selfish man had taken from me. But it gave me what was new and precious and just for me.

I highly respect you for the journey you are taking. It takes courage to face the pain and work through it honestly.

[bluemountains]

WePow,
I think I may have to take a chapter from your book and yell at the ocean. What a great choice of places! The crashing waves probably make the yelling more personal. I just spent a weekend at the beach and I wish I had read of your release before I went...one day soon, though!
Bluemountains

[WePow]

Yeah, it really is GOOD to be able to find our voice. It is strange but before I went to the ocean and had that healing, I would often feel the urge to just YELL at the top of my lungs when I was in random places - just out of the blue. My T said he thought it was because people who have abuse as children are often robbed of their voice. And I had something big that I NEEDED to say.

That day at the ocean was the first time in my life where I felt I had a voice.

[Lizzie B]

You've taken a huge step admitting it happened. Congratulate yourself for that. It took me time to admit my abuse was real and not a figment of my imagination. Yes, I agree with many others a real good t is crucial to healing. I'd look for someone used to dealing with trauma survivors in your age group.