[mortimer]

I'm sorry I just don't understand. I was never happy ever. When I was a kid I felt numb and sad and guilty all the time. As I grew up I felt the same but I started getting mad mad mad too. It never felt out of place and out of control.

I hate myself so much. I made everyone hate me, I did. I made everyone hate me and now I can't even make a friend I can't keep a friend I push everyone away. I can't.

I can't talk about what happened but I want to. But I don't want to ever. But I want to.

I never felt so out of control. Why is it out of control now? I genuinely feel like I've reached the end. I'm just so tired, I've reached the end of what has been my life and it's time for a rest. There's something in me I want to kill but I don't understand what it is or how to do it without killing all of me.

I don't want to die but I do. I don't want to miss a good life, but I know I'll never get there. I'm too far behind.

It's my fault for not stopping what happening and letting it go on for so long so long, but is my fault now too for thinking about it. It's killing me now and why didn't it then? Why didn't it hurt then why didn't it hurt like this then? I'm so sorry for posting this I'm sorryi t's not right but I just need someone to tell me it's ok right now without having to worry about being put in hospital.

[healed84]

I have no advice just (((hugs)))

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mortimer

I never felt so out of control. Why is it out of control now? I genuinely feel like I've reached the end. I'm just so tired, I've reached the end of what has been my life and it's time for a rest.

Maybe that is just it, you are tired of trying to keep the lid on it like you have your whole life?

Originally Posted by mortimer

I

It's my fault for not stopping what happening and letting it go on for so long so long,

Are you sure? Were you a child? If you were, you were powerless to stop it.

Originally Posted by mortimer

It's killing me now and why didn't it then? Why didn't it hurt then why didn't it hurt like this then?

You probably dissociated yourself from it to survive it? And now you are safe so it is coming back/out?

[Open Eyes]

((((mortimer)))),

I had felt much like you for many years. And I always had this secret that would just not come out. I sat across from my therapist wanting to share, yet afraid to say it and was very torn just like you. But I did just talk about the subject and by doing that I listened to my therapist talk about how many times it happens and how EVERYONE that experiences these situations growing up all feel the same and it is more common that is openly talked about. And there is always self blame and shame and the sentiment of what you are expressing here. Yes mortimer I have that same emotional turmoil in me as well. In that you must realize you are not on an island alone, but is a sea of others who share the same turmoil you have. And it is an unspoken turmoil as I mentioned.

Once you find your way to letting these expriences out along with your personal confusion, you WILL learn that what you feel is shared by many and IT TRUELY WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT. You are going to have to really mourn it and then learn to heal and live your life as YOUR LIFE. Yes, you will finally grow beyond the past and realize that you have every right to heal and finally grow beyond all these normal feelings that so many others deal with as well.

I am working on this myself, so you are not alone.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[likewater]

((((Mortimer))) it will be ok. You are safe now. What happened to you will NEVER happen again. If you want to tell and are getting mad that is a GOOD sign . You are getting stronger. I know that wanting/ not wanting to tell feeling. It is ok to tell now, but you dont have to do anything before you are ready. OpenEyes is right IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. Let me say that again, IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. repeat these words after me, " it wasn't my fault." Say that to yourself as often as you need to. Whenever you hate yourself or feel
guilty. Like my favorite T told me , you probably feel guilty for breathing. How sad. When we are beautiful, sweet, innocent children we can be harmed so deeply that we feel rotten and evil to the very core. We feel we don't have the right to even exist. Don't let
those terrible feelings win. They are lies. Lies that abuse teaches us. Peace and hugs. May angels surround you.

[redbull]

Originally Posted by mortimer

I don't want to miss a good life, but I know I'll never get there. I'm too far behind.

((hugs))

maybe you are not as far behind as you think you are
maybe you are closer than you think

[amity]

Overcoming abuse is very difficult-esp.childhood abuse.The child finds it difficult to talk about it & is often threatened against doing so .Since no one else also talks about it, the victim presumes she has been singled out,& feels all the more guilty,thinking it must be something in her.All this fear,guilt & shame suppressed for years naturally take their toll-which has happened to you.But please realize you were helpless & a victim,you did not ask for this to happen to you.
How are things now?Are you an adult?Are you safe now?Is your tormentor far removed today?Are there people around to help you?
If circumstances have changed for the better you can rethink your strategies--no?Talking about it to a trusted person will help you,do you have such a person near you,apart from the Ts.
It appears from your post that the worst is behind you-certainly you will be OK.

[shezbut]

(((Mortimer)))

I am sorry that you're struggling so much with the guilt and self-hate. I swear that these are universal emotions so often attached to abuse beginning in early childhood, before we came up with any sense of self. The result was: we are evil, we caused this darkness, we deserve to pay for the crimes.

It's so sad ~ and it takes a long time to get out of that way of thinking. We were innocent. We did nothing wrong. We were in the wrong place/s at the wrong time/s. It was not our fault! We can repeat these words over and over, til we're blue in the face, but we have to have an impartial professional 3rd party tell us these things too. In my experience, that's what I needed to start giving myself little breaks. I'm still not out of the habit of instantly blaming myself. It takes a while to get there.

But, you can get there too. You just need help from a professional, a T who doesn't argue when you admit to severe feelings of self-hate and low self-worth. The T needs to accept how you feel now and be willing to work from here to there. I wish you the best ~ Gentle hugs.

[notablackbarbie]

(((mortimer))))
and ditto.
I am sorry you are struggling with all of this too. I think it can be ok for each 1 of us?

[mortimer]

Thanks guys. I just wish I could agree and say it wasn't my fault but it was different. There wasn't a grownup we were both kids. I didn't always say no, and yeah he made me when I did but he never hit me. When it hurt he said sorry. There were times I was so scared I couldn't move and wasn't even in my body anymore but there were times I liked it and then times I didn't care what he did I just wanted him to love me. I let it go on until almost high school and when everything first started it was the first thing I even remember. I gave being innocent way. I just can't get over how completely disgusting I feel.

I feel like if it wasn't OK my parents would have stopped it. They knew it was happening, they pretended it didn't but they knew and they still let him sleep in my bed. Every holiday every birthday every sleepover everytime. They didn't stop it, just punished us if they found us but they let him go up to my room. I don't understand how I'm supposed to feel.

The worst thing is we're related. I can't look at my body without thinking about what it's done.

[amity]

Mortimer parents have a responsibility to guide their children regarding what is right & what is not.This guiding light was missing when you needed it.Parents ought not only guide,but also protect their children.I don't know what forced them to be so negligent,they might have had their reasons-but you NEED TO CONSIDER THAT YOU WERE FLOUNDERING IN THE DARK & NOBODY SHOWED YOU THE WAY.The human body has been made this way that hormones ,when roused by physical touch do give pleasure,it has little to do with you being good or bad.You are now grown up & realize the significance of those episodes,but you lacked this understanding at a youger age when it all started-don.t be so hard on yourself.One learns as one grows up.

[Open Eyes]

(((Mortimer)))),

You have to realize that when this started you didn't really understand it like you do now. The same thing happened to me, my brother overpowered me when I was VERY young and I was always afraid of him. I felt that I was safer if I was useful to him somehow, even that he would protect me in a way. I was very confused by it too mortimer. This can continue on because it had already been done from an early age and the real meaning of it is overlooked.

All children really understand is that it feels good and while they know it has something to do with what grownups do they dont see how it will make them feel guilty later on. However they do have trepedations about it. And the combination of the fact that it also includes being somehow needed or involves getting attention or some kind of appreciation.

We are designed by nature to seek attention and appreciation from other human beings, even make connections because as a species we need that to survive, we literally always pretty much survived in groups.

Believe it or not, this happens quite a bit with children and unless a parent experienced this themselves they don't think children will actually do this on their own. But children DO discover themselves and something feels good and they do practice it, and it is very normal really. We are designed to have this so we are drawn into reproducing, so it is not an ugly bad thing, it is nature, natural. In fact ages ago it was encouraged with the thought that by having sisters and brothers marry the family line would be stronger, however all it really did was to create deformaties. The egyptians did this constantly, so did other royal families over the centuries.

amity is right, your parents didn't direct you and your brother in how this is wrong and why, they ignored it which was wrong of them. This happens more than we know and many simply hide it and choose to not discuss it later in life. And the other thing is that children are designed to imitate their parents, they begin to hear and somehow know that parents do things together and so they want to see/explore what that is all about as well. At the time they do not know what rape and molestation means, even that they are crossing boundaries and may suffer psychologically down the road. A lot of it is innocent that can start at an early age and yes, continue into high school years.

mortimer, we are designed to be sexual beings, we really are. You cannot hate yourself for simply being human. Okay, so now you realize that it was not the right behavior for you or your brother, but then you didn't truely see that like you do now, because you also explored early on as well, it just seemed harmless in a way. But understand that you are amongst MANY that experience this so you are not out on some island as being subhuman or evil somehow, actually that island is really pretty crowded.

You deserve to experience your body on your own now, understand that your body is NORMAL with NORMAL desires that are designed so that you can produce children and connect with a mate of your own and maintain a family unit. That is truely what we are designed to do. Take a nice shower and in your mind wash your body of the past and tell yourself that now you are a grown woman and know better. Your body is not guilty of anything.

((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

[Sannah]

Mortimer, do you have a therapist?