I think I'm being abused again...not sure?

Hi, I don't really know what category to put this question in but I really need help.

I'm 16 years old and a sophomore in high school. when I was younger, my father abused me by locking me out of the house when it was really cold or really hot outside and wouldn't let me in for hours. well, I tried to tell my mother and uncle about it but they didn't think it was abuse. they said I was too "wimpy" and needed to be turned into a man. I avoid my father as much as possible now. but that's not the problem. for the past few years, my soccer coach has been pushing me around too and this year it started getting really bad. the reason I need your guys' help is because I don't know if I'm just being weak and thinking that it's abuse when it isnt. maybe i'm relating it to what happened with my father and thinking it's abuse when my coach is just doing his job.

when we do drills as a team and someone misses the goal, my coach just tells them to try again. but when i mess up, he makes me stand in the goal and not move while he tells another kid to kick the ball as hard as possible into the goal. i've come home from soccer with bloody noses a lot and tried telling my mom but she, once again, says i need to be pushed around like that.

my coach insists that i take private lessons with him because i need to improve, even though i made the varsity team in school. during private practices he just tells me, "pushups. now." he doesn't tell me how many i need to do. he just expects me to keep going until he is satisfied, and sometimes i have had to do over 100 pushups in the heat. one time, it was snowing outside and he told me to do pushups. my hands were buried in the snow and they eventually started bleeding and hurting, so i stopped for a minute. then he stepped on my back and made me start over. when i do crunches he kicks me in the side if i slow down. because i couldn't improve my mile time he hit me in the head and then threw out my water bottle (no water for the rest of practice). i've thought about quitting but that would make my dad really angry and he'd start abusing me again. i'm worried though that my coach is just doing his job?? if he was a school coach he'd get in trouble for sure but he's a really good player and has unconventional ways. should i stick it out? am i making a big deal over nothing?

Your father should not be locking you outside. He is being a jerk when he does that. And your coach should NOT be stepping on your back OR kicking you in the side either. No one should be touching you like that.

I think that you should find the guidance councelor at school and have a conversation with him/her about this.

Doing extra pushups is fine to build strength, but from what you are discribing in the snow and heat, that is not appropriate. Also working out and running laps to build extra stamina is good for you as well. If you do some of this on your own and people see you are taking the initiative, then they will stop picking on you. All athletes need to do different things to keep in shape and build stamina.

What do YOU want, do you like football. Don't do things for father or others, you need to do things that YOU want in life. We do not live our lives for others.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

its sound like abuse to me ((((jkristana)))))

couldnt agree more with open eyes

It is abuse!!!
From father, from coach, from mother & uncle who blow you off.
It is all abuse, no doubt.

Talk to school counselor about your dad, hopefully they can help guide you in what's best for your well being.
As for coach not affiliated with school, report him to whoever is over him.

Wish you the very best.

A coach who does such a thing deserves what he is doing to you, and for your mother and uncle to blow you off like that and to say to "man up" is utter bull****.

This is abuse and it needs to stop.

Is there anyone else who can help, or have you tried a abuse hotline?

Yes, what everyone else said. Also want to say that someone putting their foot on your back while doing pushups is extremely bad. When my brother was in the military, there was an instructor who did that to him and it ended up tearing the ligaments around his shoulder. It took two surgeries to fix. I'm sorry you are going through this. I also recommend talking to the school counselor.

I say it is abuse too (((hugs))) Please tell someone about this, I have tears in my eyes reading your post, I hate what you're suffering

thank you guys for supporting me on this. i was starting to think i was the one who was wrong.

i don't think there's any way out of it though. my coach doesn't have a boss so i can't talk to his superior and if i talk to a teacher at school then my parents will find out.....i'm shaking just imagining what my father will do to me then.

today i thought maybe coach just thinks i'm a lousy player and he's trying to motivate me so i tried asking him to ease up a bit. but then he took my phone, called my father and told him that the lesson would be take a few extra hours today. then he made me do the same thing i already described and he was screaming at me and yelling "who the hell do you think you are" and "the only reason i would want you as a son is so i could beat the crap out of you and not get in trouble for it"

i think i just have to take coach's abuse otherwise i'll have a lot more days like today and my father will be beating me until the day i graduate.

Wow jkristana, that was bad of your coach to treat you like that, so wrong and what you are discribing IS abuse. What was said to you is abuse as well, it sounds like your coach is an abusive man, and that is no way to treat anyone. And your father is NOT showing good parenting skills either. You don't help boys grow up by locking them outside either. This taking the abuse is not the answer. What is being done to you will be done to others as well and that is poor cruel abusive coaching as well as parenting. Personally your coach should be reported. You should report him to the high school councelor and also tell your councelor that you will get punished at home as well.

The only way we stop abuse is to report it.

((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

I think that your coach has abusive tendencies and he is targeting you because he knows he can get away with it. (Your dad is abusive and when you are abused other abusers can sense it and they jump on the wagon too). Who can help you? A teacher or a counselor at school? Your dad beats you?

yeah, my father beats me if i upset him or my mother. it's not as bad as it used to be because now i try not to do anything that might set him off. that's why i never told any teachers or counselors...for something like this they'd definitely get my parents involved.

((((jkristana)))),

The reason victims don't tell on their abusers is exactly what you say here. There is a fear that there will be some kind of bad/worse punishment for telling. Your father beating you was ALWAYS abuse, the coach is also abusing you. You are afraid to speak up because you fear being punished for it. The truth is, when someone is abused they don't go and tell the parents just so the person can be abused even more. If the coach is abusing you, someone needs to be told, otherwise he will continue abusing you and others. What he is doing is wrong as I mentioned before and SOMEONE needs to report him so that he will be stopped. We give abusers power they do not deserve to have, it takes a strong person to stand up to what is wrong you know. What your father and coach are really teaching you is NOT TO MAN UP, BUT TO BE A VICTIM. You are not alone in this kind of struggle either, many people allow themselves to be victimized out of fear of further abuse.

But ask yourself this, what are you going to do if a future boss abuses you, is your lesson so far all about the fact that you have to take it or lose your job? That is what your father and coach are teaching you to do. Often victims are abused over and over, why? It is because they learn how to accept abuse and their manerisms tell abusers that they make good victims.

If you had a son, knowing how you feel now, would you treat him the way you are being treated? What kind of guidance would truely inspire you to do better or try harder and even enjoy playing that sport? Someday you may have a son of your own, you certainly can't effectively raise him to be a healthy strong person by what parenting skills and coaching skills you are learning now. You know that what is really happening is that your spirit is being broken, not respected and nurtured for you to have a true value about yourself. This happens a lot, and the only way that this is going to change is if enough people stand up to it and report it, even if it means hard work.

I am doing that now in my life. I have suffered losses and it was because of a neighbor who is actually a bully and negligent and a liar as well. And on top of that, I am in a system that protects him, I am fighting with his insurance companies in the legal system and they are ABUSING ME BECAUSE THEY ARE STRETCHING THE LAWSUIT OUT FOR YEARS NOW. Many people would not go my journey, say that it is a long battle and is hard, better just to let go and move on. I DON'T LET GO AND MOVE ON, WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IS WRONG. And if there were not people like me, willing to stand up and fight back, we would not have all the laws that we have now in an effort to protect victims.

When someone stands up to abusers it is not easy to do so. It takes courage and inner strength, so many people choose to simply go with the flow and be victims.
My own battle has been quite an ordeal for me, and believe me, it has NOT been easy. But the damage my abuser/negligent neighbor caused to me WAS SUBSTANTIAL as well. But, if I didn't stand up to my neighbor and hold him accountable, he would continue to disrespect me, feel he won the right to do so and HE DOES TRESPASS AND DISRESPECT MY RIGHT TO HAVE A FARM AND HAVE MY BUSINESS. He even tore down my no trespassing signs, trespassed onto my land and pulled apart a stone wall I was building BECAUSE "HE" DIDN'T LIKE IT. He has sent people over to see my horses and ponies and when I asked them what they were doing on MY property they replied that they got permission FROM MY NEIGHBOR to do so.

Tell me, if that happened to you, with what you are being taught now about backing down and accepting abuse, WOULD YOU NOT FIGHT BACK LIKE I AM?

These people, father and coach are wanting you to man up, well, are you? Maning up is NOT about allowing people to abuse you!

It isn't easy to take the high road, I have been learning that myself, and I AM being tested. But every day I go out and care for MY DAMAGED HORSES AND PONIES that never deserved to have their crippling injuries. If I fight and WIN this battle then I also send a message out to help protect OTHERS that also have the right to own land, have horses and ponies and provide a safe and healthy environment for these animals they use to work and teach many children HOW TO RIDE AND CARE FOR AND ENJOY HORSES AND PONIES.

Maybe, with what you have experienced about abuse first hand, you should now pay attention in school and become a man amongst men who will fight for the rights of other children like yourself, to be able to grow up in a NON abusive environment.

Open Eyes

oh wow, Open Eyes, that was really what i needed. its amazing that you're fighting back and keeping it up. your story really helped me.

i thought about what you wrote and my teacher and i spoke today about coach. i told him he couldn't involve my parents but i didn't tell him why. i think he understood though. he said he'd call the parents of the coach's other students and tell them that there was abuse going on and hopefully the matter will get sorted out.

i know everyone said that i can't let them abuse me but i dont think i can do anything against my father's abuse. i've been afraid of him my whole life. did any of you, when you got away from your abusers, feel this scared and hopeless? i feel like i'll be getting rid of one abuser but adding another when my father hears that i won't be training with the coach.

((((jkristana))))),

Oh, I am so glad you chose to speak to a teacher about the coach. I am sure that was hard for you to do that. But you really did the right thing by speaking up.

I am wondering how old you are?

About your father, the fear he has instilled in you is also WRONG. Children are not supposed to fear their fathers like you do. A father is there to support and raise his son in a safe secure supportive environment. A father is supposed to respect his child and NOT hit or beat him. We do not problem solve by HITTING AND BEATING PEOPLE, we problem solve by using our brains and interacting with each other intellectually. VIOLENCE does not solve problems. And hiding and running away in fear, does not SOLVE PROBLEMS.

Maybe you didn't really want to play that sport. When someone really wants something, they have no problem doing the work necessary to achieve that desire to do something they REALLY WANT TO DO. You cannot live your life by filling your father's wants for you to do, you have to do what YOU want to do in life. And your father is suppose to respect and support that. We encourage our children by supporting them taking them out to the track and even running with them and getting down with them and doing pushups together. We teach children to BELIEVE they can and LEARN HOW TO DIG DEEP AND PUSH HARD to make an effort to achieve. We don't teach children by threatening them, beating them, kicking their sides and making them do pushups in the snow, and locking them outside of the house all night like they are a dog that peed on the floor or something.

Working with a child is all about helping them find their ability and rewarding them for all the small achievements they make, not just if they win, but if they make progress forward. Enjoying life is NOT ALWAYS ABOUT WINNING, it is more about the playing of the game itself and making attempts to continue learning and progressing as best as we can.

An A student is not always the student that can graduate from a learning environment and apply that knowledge in the outside world. One can be good at the structure of school and yet lousy at the free challenging open road outside a school.

All children deserve to have a strong base in their home environment with parents that are educated in knowing how to raise a healthy child. Children do not deserve to be hit and beat and locked outside and abused. Children depend on their parents to support and interact with them in positive ways.

Your father's treatment of you is showing his extreme ignorance. You deserve better. You should NOT be afraid of your father because you are not allowing the coach to abuse you, if your father was a worthy man at all he would support you in that choice. I would never want my daughter to allow herself to be abused by a trainer. In fact she was being abused by a trainer and I didn't like it and I taught her how she had the right to pick up our horse and leave that trainer. She was afraid to do that, but I took her and we left and she was wecomed by a different more respectable trainer. She learned a big lesson from that, if she is being abused, she will not stay anywhere and allow that to happen, she leaves that environment. And THAT is what a parent TEACHES THEIR CHILD HOW TO DO.

Your father and that coach are BULLIES. Bullies are cowards that like to pick on weak people because they themselves are weak and seem to need to overpower something. There is NOTHING intelligent about bullies and we are now more and more creating laws and encouraging the outing of bullies in our schools and other environments. The only way to get rid of bullies is to stand up to them, it is not easy, but it IS getting better because people are coming forward and exposing these bullies now. We now know that bullies cause psychological damage to healthy people. They are not productive people, they are SICK people.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Good work j !!

thank you. it's so hard to find people at my school who can understand, even my friends don't get it. your stories motivate me to get out of this situation.

i'm 16 years old.

i'll try to make things work with my father. i can't promise it'll work itself out soon though...this is all new to me and i'm scared because i care about what he thinks of me.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself to fix this. He is the adult. I'm not saying to not try, though.

It was really good for you to reach out to that teacher, though.

(((jkristana))))

It is normal for us to care about what our parents think of us, after all he IS your father. But his parenting skills are not good, that is not your fault either. Being a parent IS a challenge for anyone who chooses to be a parent. Many people do not truely realize the tremendous responsibility it is to raise a child. Often a parent will have their own idea on how to do it, and even go by how they were raised which can be very wrong.

It sounds to me like your father thinks you should be "AFRAID" of him in order for him to have control over you so you will behave and know HE is the boss. He probably thinks his job is to BE THE BOSS and KEEP EVERYONE IN LINE. He may feel that what he is practicing is "tough love". He sees himself as the diciplinarian and it sounds like he was always that to you. That is very "old school" thinking because he is actually NOT achieving what he really wants to acheive as a parent. He doesn't realize that all he is doing is teaching you to be afraid and as I mentioned, become a victim type person who, instead of being strong and outgoing, you are too afraid of being punished if you make a mistake somehow. All children make mistakes as they learn, it is important to teach them that it is no big deal if we make mistakes, we only learn from them, keep trying. We are supposed to learn from our parents that we are loved and appreciated for all our efforts and that we do not have to be perfect, just keep trying.

Now here is the sad part. Your father and that coach actually have VERY POOR skills at motivating and establishing healthy partnerships and mentorships. Your father, sadly truely doesn't know how to connect with you in a healthy productive way, where the two of you can actually ENJOY each other and DEVELOPE A GOOD BOND. Your father and that coach truely believe that it is their job to intimidate you and others into submission to following THEIR orders. They dont recognize that all they are doing is just teaching you to submit as a human being in the presence of ANYONE who behaves like them. That is not the way to raise a healthy man.

The person who finally makes a difference in the life of a child like you is some teacher or even coach along the way that actually engages you and shows you respect and takes time to help you improve yourself and actually show you their appreciation and recognition for your efforts. A presence who observes you for YOU and takes time to communicate with you and encourage you to talk and share and even laugh. A good mentor is someone who recognizes when you are struggling and they actually spend personal time with you and TALK to you about how to have faith in yourself and understand that you may just be a slower learner but you may be the type of person who, once they do learn, they have it and can truely apply whatever it is they finally learn.

Unfortunately, we don't have a system set up where young fathers can go and learn how to actually raise their children in a way that promotes their children to learn to utilize their potential skills. This way of thinking that a father's job is to smack a child around, make the child fear him and think that by doing that the child will behave and stay in line etc. that is NOT at all good for any child's brain. And it sounds like your mother just goes along with your father's ignorant style of parenting and she too may be intimidated by him.

Now, what you are seeing here is a cycle that often gets repeated and all it does is turn out children that not only repeat this same lack of communication style parenting but also children that grow into adults that have low self esteem themselves. Bullies are actually people who have LOW self esteem themselves and they only learn to make up for it by bullying others. They actually think that being a strong adult is all about bullying others around. And that is what your coach is doing. There is NO REAL INTELLIGENCE AND KNOWLEDGE there about HOW to coach a team where the players RESPECT and FEEL the coach is behind them and they also actually join together AS A TEAM. A coaches/father's job is to encourage "SELF" dicipline where each teen learns to find ways to push themselves into working harder at attaining the best physical and knowledgable way to go out and actually WIN or DO THE BEST THEY CAN in a competition/game AND eventually a career. The goal for both of these educators is to teach "SELF" respect. We do NOT teach self respect by INTIMIDATION and BULLYING.

If you are "AFRAID" of your father? Your father has not done a good job in parenting, "it is that simple". There is a big difference between "FEAR" and "RESPECT". We respect a parent because THEY RESPECT US. If THEY RESPECT US, THEY ACTUALLY TEACH RESPECT and personal strength, not feeling like we SHOULD BE AFRAID AND INTIMIDATED BY OTHERS.

The problem with your wanting your father to love you and be proud of you will be disappointing. It will be disappointing because YOUR FATHER DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT. Your father only knows how to intimidate and he actually thinks THAT IS HIS ROLE and he really doesnt know HOW TO RESPECT AND APPRECIATE. He never really learned HOW TO DO THAT.

And if you grow up and have your own family, because that is all you know right now, YOU MAY DO THE SAME thinking that THIS IS HOW A PARENT IS SUPPOSED TO BE. You most likely will pick the same KIND OF WOMAN who is very passive where YOU feel you are in control and you will feel this is normal BECAUSE IT IS WHAT YOU KNOW.

When children are raised by "INTIMIDATION" they always have something missing that they cannot really pin point. Often these children go through life having LOW SELF ESTEEM. Often these children struggle to make friends, communicate effectively, become self reliant and feel they CAN be productive, wonder who they are, never seem to feel they are good enough somehow, OR are appreciated and respected. Children that are raised by INTIMIDATION often go through life thinking that there are only two ways of being, the INTIMIDATOR or the IMTIMADATED victim who is ALWAYS AFRAID TO SPEAK UP because they FEAR SOME KIND OF REJECTION or PUNISHMENT. This is who you are right now when you say "I AM AFRAID OF MY FATHER PUNISHING ME WHEN HE FINDS OUT". When a child says this what they are saying is "MY FATHER NEVER REALLY RAISED ME, HE ONLY INTIMIDATED ME".

This is IGNORANCE and it is something that happens a lot. Sadly this is not about YOUR WORTH or WHETHER YOU ARE DESERVING OF LOVE. This is all about how YOUR PARENTS DO NOT KNOW HOW to LOVE AND RESPECT and NURTURE a child. You are going to want your father to respect you, and be proud of you and to love you, but the truth is "HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT". When he locked you outside, and the fact that he would get angry because you felt the coach was being abusive, IS a big RED FLAG that your father is just plain IGNORANT. In other words, he is illiterate when it comes to actually knowing HOW to RAISE A HEALTHY OUTGOING CHILD.

Remember (((jkristana)))), this has nothing to do with LOVE, or your ability to be worthy of love. Think of the countless animals that are abused and abandoned and rescued every day. What that really is all about is that there are many people who do not know how to even respect and treat an animal. I am a horse trainer and I see that all the time. There are countless horses that have lots of potential to be something special, they end up in the hands of someone who has no real knowledge about how to properly train a horse. So what happens is a horse only learns bad things and even becomes "afraid" and they even develope a kind of PTSD where they think that THEY ARE JUST GOING TO BE HIT, BEATEN, PUSHED TOO HARD AND HURT SOMEHOW. A horse who has the brain the size of a walnut CAN actually learn to be out going, loyal, productive and EVEN HAPPY AND CONTENT about participating in some kind of sport or activity confidently.

Much to think about,
Open Eyes

oh wow..that makes me really wonder. i hope i'll never be like my father. i hope i'll never think it's okay to treat a child or woman or anyone at all the way he treats me.

thank you all so much.

i'll post about my progress on this. this weekend we're going to my uncle's house (the one who encourages my father). if they try to gang up on me like they normally do i'll see if i can make them talk about it instead.

((((jkristana))),

Hey, don't be disappointed if they don't respond well because it really sounds to me like "THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK". If this is your father's brother and they both behave like this? It is probably because that is what they learned how to do growing up. We often are what we know, unless we learn different.

I would rather encourage you to seek help with your guidance councelor at school. If you could find your way to a therapist that could get your father in for counceling as well, that would be your best bet. Your father is going to need a professional to tell him what he is doing is wrong, he will not respect YOU enough to believe you, HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

this weekend didn't go like i planned at all. i wasn't hoping for a complete turn around but i was hoping that they would listen. they didn't.

i know i SHOULD talk to a therapist or counselor at school..but i can't. it's like my father enjoys hitting and yelling at me. he has no guilt whatsoever and anything i do gives him another reason to escalate it.

((((jkristana)))),

I am sorry this weekend was not helpful to you. Sorry to say that what I warned about your father not understanding HOW to TALK to you instead of what he does is the way it is. Unfortunately some parents simply are ignorant, they don't truely know how to communicate and raise their children. Some parents are like your father, they are only what they know, which in many cases is only how to be abusive sometimes.

There are no classes demanded of parents so they actually LEARN how to parent, so they go only on what they know, how they were raised and often that was poor. One would think that at this point in our evolution, with all the technology we have that we would finally recognize that parents need direction in how to raise their children.
Right now what we have are councelors in schools where some students go when they don't know what to do or feel they are being abused somehow.

As I mentioned, YOU cant change your father, it will take someone who is a PROFESSIONAL who can point out to him that his behavior is abusive and he is not really being a responsible father.

I sat down with my own father as I am now an adult and my father told me that he really didn't know HOW to be a parent. He told me that what he felt was important was that his children behave, get educations and speak good English. He realizes now that there were other things he failed to do as a parent. My father was the one who handed out spankings and punishments and we were afraid of him. I can see that hasn't really changed that much from when I was a child growing up.

It seems like you are thinking that your father will not listen to anyone and will only punish you more. But when you go to talk to a guidance councelor, the councelor is there to help YOU. Do you have a guidance councelor at school? If you do and you express that your father may hurt you more if they speak with him, they will know what to do.

You have not said how old you are, it sounds like you are in high school? Your goal is to do the best you can in school, graduate, see if you can go to college and get yourself away from your father. My brother did that and believe me, he really struggled in college but he did it and got out of our home as quickly as he could and it was the best thing he did for himself.

At least you know how NOT to be as a parent and have something to think about if you ever have your own family some day.

Please keep coming and let us know how you are.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

j, their not listening doesn't surprise me. Abusive people need to abuse others because of their own, unresolved issues. They are only thinking about themselves. Abusers never think about their victims. They can't, because if they had empathy, then they couldn't abuse and they need to abuse in order to deal with their own pain.

Are you a lot smaller then your dad?

oh sorry. i'm 16 years old.

he's a few inches taller than me and a LOT bigger muscle-wise.

i just don't feel ready to talk to a counselor yet. i know the school would have to take action and i'm just afraid of what that might be. it looks like i'll just have to live with it as best i can until i graduate.

other parents are starting to catch on to my soccer coach's aggressiveness and they come to watch the team practices now, so it's not that bad then, but nobody is watching during the private lessons and he just goes back to what he used to do.

for anyone who has gotten out of this kind of situation i just want to say that you're very brave and i wish i had the courage that you have.

J, I am just coming across your post right now...you are VERY brave. You had the courage to speak with your teacher and to try to make some progress with you relatives. That takes a lot of courage. Please take a moment to acknowledge that for yourself.

re: private practice. I do not believe there is any reason WHY your coach would need to have a private practice with you. The positive is it sounds as if the other parents are becoming aware of the situation with the coach. Are there any parents that you feel comfortable enough with that you can confide in them what is happening? (I can tell you, if I were a mom and another kid came to me I would NEVER turn them away. Especially in a situation like this).

As far as your relatives and the abuse you feel you must endure until you graduate...that is no way to live (biding time until you are free). I realize you do not feel ready to share this information with someone (who would intervene on your behalf) for fear of retribution; however, you deserve a bright future!

You are a good person the possibilities for your life are endless! Please remember that you matter. You count. You deserve love and to feel safe.