[Evangelista]

Yes I used the "Big T" word here in this post. Just wondering how many others say things about themselves online, opening themselves up, maybe a bit to much. I am feeling very regretful about sharing so much of my life here, leaving myself vulnerable, to others interpetation and judgement.. .the abuse..the processes..DID, PTSD, I dont know..I am so grateful to find kindred hearts here, kind people, and ones who offer support and guidance when they suffer so much themselves..but...I am wondering why some of the people who wlecomed me openly before I started posting part of my life..suddenly..disappear..putting up a wall of silence...which is ok I guess..I can keep it shoved in..just dont understand why I have to in order to fit in..thanks for letting me express this..and again..I believe the folks here at PC are great..just me I guess being reflective of my ability to put foot in mouth when posting online, which opens up alot of vulberability issues..I have reviewed DocJohn's words of wisdom on his home page about online issues such as this, so that was very much appreciated..thanks again for letting me voice an insecurity..surviving and living with abuse is sucky enough..sorry..think I will try and fit the "Big T" word back into the dark abyss...yucky mood this morning sorryyyy everyone...

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((((Evangelista)))))))))))))

I have big trust issues I think. Even with t, I want to talk but I am unable to mostly. I have to write it down or she doesn't get the information and even then, I am not able to write down most stuff.

When I put up a wall of silence, it doesn't have anything to do with the other person. It's due to my brain making it impossible to speak out.

I for one really enjoy reading your posts. I'm sorry that I am often not able to respond to people. It's not because I don't want to.

So often when I get ready to write or speak, inside my head, all I hear over and over again is horrible things. If I shut up, it gets less.

I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time right now. Please know that I care.

[Sabrina]

I can't help but feel that this is an issue for every one of us in one way or another. So often I speak of things and then feel I should have left it alone or feel vulnerable that I have said so much and can't take it back. There are times that I cannot speak at all. As there are times I hit a wall and have no idea how to support others. There are even times when I feel a bit ignored.

Yet I could not change my on-line activities if I tried. It is almost as if it is a life line.

I understood what you voiced here and am sorry that you are feeling insecure. Despite feeling like this, I really hope that your mood lifts for you. Please take care.

((((( Evangelista )))))

I have no answer for you, but I do understand.

I'm always afraid I scare people off because I'm so sad.

PM me anytime.

Petunia

I can very much relate to this because I have wrote things that I wanted to share and get feedback on, and then regretted it later. I wrote a post in the relationships forum more than once and deleted it every time. I hesitate to share things with anyone sometimes and have often told myself I am not coming back to this site, that I need to just deal with things on my own because I don't want to become dependant on this site and others opinions.

However, I think it's good to have support, especially when you feel so alone. Everyone has to find their own way, but it helps when you find kindred souls.

Still, I am a somewhat private person so it's hard at times to just open up. In the end it comes down to us feeling comfortable.

Sujin

((((((((((((((Evangelista)))))))))))) I am the same way in real life that I am on line. I have no regrets. you see we are taught as children to keep quiet and abusers depend on our silence. they know what they are doing or did is wrong otherwise they would not have told me not to tell. It was telling that stopped the abuse finally and it was my telling that made a few others in the family to stand up for themselves and it was my telling that made a few stop what they were doing and get help for them and in at least one case that I know of he took his victim to therapy and paid for her to get help so that she would not go through the things I do because of what happened to me.

There is nothing wrong with telling. It just takes one step at a time to break free of the 'do not tell or else' programing of childhood.

as for why some people open up more on line like the posts here its because it is not face to face. Think about things in real life its easier to plan what you want to tell someone but once you are face to face with that person you see the reaction of what you are saying as you are saying it beacuse of the other persons tone of voice, facial expressions and so on. based on those body messages the person telling gages how much they are going to tell that person. But here on line its like keeping a journal. there is no once looking at us with various facial expressions and tones of voice and so on. With out these body messages to clue us in on how much we should say at one time sometimes the person ends up writing more than they originally planned.

If that ever happens to you here just pm a moderator or administrator like Kimmydawn, January, Ben, Doc John.. theres lots of them here and explain that you are not comfortable with what you posted and they will delete that post for you. Nothing stays on this site that you do not want here.

By the ways with me you will always fit in my friend. Just pm me and I here. You are not alone.

[z0ey]

hey ev

i get the whole regret thing or maybe regret is ony the symptom of lack of trust -- -- for several reasons 1)sometimes i think because i am dissociative i share more than i even know myself -- so when i see the words i wrote later --- it is like embarassing because like that didnt happen to me

2)sometimes i regret too because like ---ummm like rightly or wrongly -- i think ppl pity me --- and it makes me ill like ill -- this pity thing may or maynot really be happening but like i think it is

3)and lastly i regret sometimes too because what i say ummmm-- it is freaksih lol
ummm or at least i find that some of my childhood life experiences were freakish --- (or i should say that sometimes i think things happened in my childhood -- that is freakish ---I AM NOT SAYING THAT WHAT I THINK HAPPENED ACTAULLY DID) but regardless of what did or didnt happened the fact-- the fact that i have these ideas -- in my own eyes makes me a freak --lol so i can totally like get that others think me a freak too(lol they may or maynot actually think this)

i dont know overall i think the positives outwiegh the negatives--- it is like validating or soemthing to like talk and read posts and to make posts --- but like i totally get the ummm backlash from it or something

lol
god ev? do i make any sense? lol sometimes i talk and like i make sense to myself but like others are like HUH? WHAT IS THAT GIRL TALKING ABOUT --- so if that is the case here lol please know whether i am able to communicate it effectively --- i can relate to your post
zoe peace out my friend

[Rhapsody]

TRUST is a 4 letter word........ a word that can spell LOVE - - - to share it is to open up ones deep dark chest full of secrets - release them and YOU to shall be set FREE (another 4 letter word).

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[bipolar_bear]

I understand what you are saying. It is hard to put yourself out there with the fear of exposing yourself and worse yet being ignored. Sometimes I have a hard time responding to posts and regret later that I did not at least acknowledge them in some way. I hope you continue to post and share yourself if it is helping you heal. Know that you are heard even if it sometimes does not feel that way. Please take care.

[Evangelista]

Thank you, again I am very sorry, I am being triggered a lot lately with stuff, and did not want to come across as insensitive. I do know that by opening up my wounds and letting them flow all over the forum, that it may be really hard for others who are suffering too and for that I am humbly apologetic. I was reminded of this in Chat recently, when I stated that I had thought I had bitten myself in the butt because I have not learned the subtle art of containment in this venue, we had been talking about trust issues and expressions of vulnerability in our posts online, as we share our experiences. Trust can be a very deceptive, and a fragile thing, same as real world. Another issue is my wedding anniversary is coming up next week, and it was an abusive marriage, as I have posted some small experiences of it ad it’s effects, feelings of any type which were expressed during times of vulnerability were tortuously utilized to cause great pain and inflict damage, my ex did not allow me to express much of anything but helpless
endurance and silence, a repeat of childhood roles, so I did not talk about the way I felt or my past, after a time, you put it behind a Dam of defenses, and instead of a trickle to release the pressure behind this Dam, I find myself in the midst of a flood, especially when posting, so this is what is possibly triggering such a core response concerning trust issues and expressing the very vulnerable parts of my past, so I apologize for projecting this here on others. Again, thank you everyone for sharing and commenting, it means a lot… I am doing better with this now..knowing what I am reacting to…

[Rapunzel]

I know what you mean too. Wanting so much to be understood and known, but at the same time not wanting to say too much. Not wanting to risk rejection and misunderstanding and discriminaton if the wrong people were to find out too much and decide that I should be limited because of who I am and what I have experienced and how I reacted. But I want so much to be able to trust, and to have that trust returned.

Rap