flashbacks

from time to time i have flashbacks of my abuse. my flashbacks are horrible, its like relicing the experience, except its worse becuase you know exactly whats going to happen, the exact moment of the worse pain, and the worst part of these is that you want to reach out and save yourself, but you cant. the problem is that one of my good friends (whos a guy) sounds exactly like my abuser, and hes one of the nicest guys ever, but every time i talk to him in real life (not on instant messanger) i get mini flashbacks... im not sure how to tell him this, but worse yet last night we were talking adn he starts making sexaul remarks. i lost it completely, froze completely in horror, i cudnt hangup .. i cudnt say anything.. all i cud do was text message my friend telling her 'help me' and she called. i switched to her call and she tried to help me thru it. well, it lasted 2 hours .. one of my longest to date, and now the guy tht triggered it has been calling me nonstop .. i dont kno how to respond to him

Jeez Louise two hours. Does this guy have any clue of your situation? My mother used to beat me up every day- and my best friend, of all people, used to set me off once in a while and so I would then avoid her and she didnt know what was going on and took it real personal and used to get mad at me. Finally, I told her what was happening and she is very considerate now and we dont have these issues any more. How close are you to this guy? Is there a way to briefly explain it to him? Maybe you could just stick to IM ing him for a while and explain it that way. Sorry I couldnt be more help. Sheesh two hours is a long one...Im sorry. I never had one last that long. You must have been really spent after that...Hugs. Carolyn.

thanks for your reply yeah, i was crying so hard i think i passed out. were sorta close, even tho hes often making sexaul remarks to me while he is 19 and im 14. i.. im kinda scared to explain it to him.. im not sure why .. im kinda scared he'll think of me that way, (hes made moves on me before) im not sure .. just, i cant stand the way he pronouces things or laughs.. sounds just like my abuser.. it kills me inside =\

Flapjack, I think he's out of line to be making sexual remarks to a 14-year-old regardless of anything else. Are you sure that this is someone you want to talk to?

Rap

Agreed. Been there. I didnt realize it when I was 14. Thought I was more mature, etc. But any 19 year old that puts the moves on a 14 year old has something wrong with them. No exceptions...your instincts are right....is there really a need to deal with this guy? Think about it. He could go to jail for making advances on you. Who in their right mind, that could get someone their own age, would do something like that??? I hung out with guys that were older than me when I was your age and now that Im almost 40 and I run into these guys they are all big losers..Sorry, I dont mean to be on a soap box....but I went through soo much when I was a teenager. If I can spare anyone else the agony I have to at least try...Hugs..

he's a little odd but he needs me there for him.. hes going thru a really hard time.. and i help. i talk him through the sucidal times.. idk ..

Sorry to be blunt, Flapjack, but he doesn't need you. He needs a mental health professional. He is harmful to you, whether he intends it or not.

Hi Flapjack,
I know how it can be to have associations that cause you to have flashbacks. I would suggest talking to him and explaining to him how you are feeling. A good friend will understand, and you can take it from there.

I am a bit concerned though that this guy is making sexual remarks to you, and that's where boundaries come in. I would tell him that you are uncomfortable with his remarks and if he persists, then he may be someone you'd be better off not associating with.I understand you have a friendship with this person and you feel the need to be there for him, but if it is causing you emotional distress I would not put myself through that if I were you. If he is going through a rough time and is at times suicidal, well it is not your responsibility to handle his problems. There are others he should be reaching out to, such as a therapist or other health professionals that are equipped to handle things such as he is going through. Right now you just have to focus on you and doing what is best for you. You are a good friend to want to be there for him, but believe me he will find the help he needs. Just don't sacrifice your own well being for someone else, especially in this case. Whatever you decide to do, I trust your judgement and I'm sure you'll do the right thing for yourself in the long run.

Take Care!
Love,
Sujin

Also, its really common for guys to lay guilt on you so that you talk to them, fool around with them etc,..its the oldest trick in the book... He's an ADULT....Encourage him to seek help.. No adult should rely on a 14 year old for stuff like that..REALLY, I have been there...you have to put yourself first...Its not being selfish. Its doing the right thing...You seem really mature for your age. I wouldnt have guessed you were 14 at first. But honestly. 14 is 14 no matter how you look at it. Just like Im 39. I can act younger all I want but its not going to make me younger. You have enough on your plate. Please take care of yourself . Youre so sweet. You deserve to take care of yourself..Dont put your mental health on the line for this guy who is old enought to know better....Im not talking down to you. Im speaking from experience...

flapjack, please forgive me if this is too blunt or sounds too judgmental, but this guy needs to be out of your life, period. No one of his age should in any way be even putting you in a situation where you feel emotionally responsible, or talking him out of suicide, and certainly not having any sexual talk or making moves on you, as you described. This relationship is hurting you in so many ways. Take care of you first and always and kick this guy out of your life. You deserve better for yourself. He's so wrong in so many ways. Stay with the friends who respect you and care for you -- he doesn't, his actions show that even if his words try to say otherwise.

Be safe and be well,

mtd

yeah, i havent been answering his calls, or reading his emails.. he calls me up to 8 times a day from restricted numbers.. idk i feel really bad about ignoring him and i have a feeling hes pretty pissed. people keep telling me to get rid of him, but im really the only one he has.. i was his best friend, (even tho he wasnt mine) and i still feel guilty

flapjack, I know this is hard. It says good stuff about you that you don't want to turn away someone who is calling for your help. It shows that you care about other people and want to help. But, the fact that he is calling you so insistently and trying to trick you into picking up by calling from restricted numbers really shows how much he needs to get help elsewhere. It's not healthy that someone of his age only has someone of your age in his life. It's wrong, and it's too much to ask of you. It is his responsibility to find healthy connections elsewhere. Leave him to it and he will find his way. You can't do that for him. Most of all, the relationship has not been healthy for you -- it has been painful and your boundaries have not been respected. He needs a lot of serious help if he's making sexual advances and sexual talk towards someone of your age. And it's also a crime for him to do that. Please stay true to yourself and keep away from him. He's old enough to take care of himself, and I can see that you are smart enough to do the same for yourself. Please, please, please take good care of you. If you need accountability for this, please feel free to just write here each day. I'll look for it.

Be well,

mtd

Flapjack,

I am concerned about you. You're a wonderful person to care about this guy and to want to help him. But the more I hear, the more he sounds like someone who has the potential to hurt you. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. Is there an adult IRL you could tell about his calling you insistently and stuff? It's not right for him to be using you this way and making you feel responsible for him. All too often there is a pattern where someone makes you feel important and makes you feel like you are the only one who cares, and then they push it a little further than you are comfortable, and when you try to back off they get more insistent and make you feel guilty. People who do that are the ones who will try to control you and might hurt you or force you do do things you don't want to do when they don't get their way. I don't want to scare you, but I am afraid this could be a dangerous situation, and you may need help to handle it. Especially if he ever tells you not to tell anyone something about what he says or does, that is a sure sign that you need to get help immediately.

TC and Be Safe,
Rap

hello flapjack, haven't seen you post the past week, but if you're checking in just wanted you to know someone's out here keeping you in mind and hoping you're doing well with your challenges.

be well

mtd

sorry, i've been very busy, and, things have changed slightly, the guy is still calling me and trying to talk to me online, but his tone has changed, alot. at first he started saying violent things and threatening me, so i told my best mnale friend, who talked to him. so now all the one guy wants to do is apologize and still be friends, but i still cant bring myself to talk to him

Flapjack, so glad to hear from you. It sounds like you are making healthy choices for yourself and I'm proud of the strength you are showing. Keep staying away from this guy. Eventually he will go away. You deserve so much better than his chaos and disrespect have brought you. You have every right to stay true to yourself and only have people in your life who respect you. Again, I'm really proud of you.

Be well,

mtd

Flapjack, you have to take care of yourself... He needs professional help... I think more help than you can give him.... right now. You are the tender age of 14, you have to be careful... flashbacks are not fun........and should be avoided if at all possible.... if something is triggering them you need to distance yourself from them.
Altheia