[babs92]

Hi everyone. Well I went for my first psychotherapy session today after my initial assessment and I cried and cried all the way through. I want to so heal and get better from terrible emotional abuse from my mother, I know its going to be a long road to disentangle from her but I am prepared to do absolutely anything now. I have to try and pace myself a bit better in therapy, I talked loads as well, I just wanted to offload all the crap basically.

I feel so alone I have an ache in my stomach and feel lost and so sad, but very very angry at her too. All kinds of emotions. I am married to a wonderful man who has stood by me through all this and we have two great kids, one of whom has special needs.

Its been a long road and have only just found out too that my neice has been suffering from abuse by her mother - its bringing up old wounds - I so feel for her but can't help her right now.

Thanks for listening, its good to share.

welcome to the forum babs.. congrats on taking the journey to recovery.

[babs92]

Thank you for the welcome and its good to be here too, what an excellent site! x

[FaithisAlive]

Welcome... wanting to heal is a good thing.. it means that you survived and want to thrive .. and you will. the work is going to be hard.. but so worth it...

The more you talk... the more is released and the easier it will get... cry as much as you need to .. it's cleansing..

and do like i do, reward yourself somehow every time you make yourself go ahead with that therapy session even though you really wanted to lay out that day....

Wishing you the best!!

[babs92]

Hi and thanks for your kind words. I feel totally exhausted today and my eyes are puffy, but yes it is kind of cleansing - I have a whole load more to get through I know. I will take your advice and reward myself.

I was also diagnosed with bipolar II disorder in May this year and I guess that my abuse has contributed to this enormously, as well as the continuing stress of having an autistic son.

take care

[FaithisAlive]

Now is the time to make it a point to take extra good care of YOU so you can be strong enough to continue with the responsabilities you have while you take this journey to healing.

I had a good friend who's son was autistic and i understand the hardship it can be.. despite how much you love him.My 4 year old grandson is also autistic.You are a special person.. to be given a special child...truly blessed..

I hope you will find this place to be of comfort and encouragement for you.. rest when you need to.. pamper yourself.. and know that your mothers behavior towards you is her problem... it never was about you... it is hers to own... so don't allow yourself to believe that somehow you were not worthy of better treatment....

Wishing you the best...

[bebop]

Is your mother still alive? I too was abused by my mother. I had a hard time when she first died but now I pity her. she was the one that lost out on a good daughter and the love I had for her. pm if you would like. and welcome

[JustAPixie]

((((((((((((( baps ))))))))))))

It can't be easy to have all those old wounds resurficing. I'm so sorry for what you have been through!

[babs92]

Hi Bee

Thanks for the welcome. Yes my mother is still alive and I am so sorry you had a hard time with your mother too. Its tough going.

Tanya - no it certainly isnt easy bringing all the abuse up again - I have had psychotherapy in the past some years ago now but I wasnt ready to face up to it all - now I am and I am ready to start the healing process. I am still in touch with my mother but on my terms only and I see a faint glimmer of respect from her for that - something I have never had from her and never had from her saying she was sorry about anything.

My neice is staying over our house tonight, she needs a break, she is 12 same age as my daughter and they are having so much fun. My neice has had a tough rough time with her mother but she is safe now and away from her.

Anyway, thanks all.

Wecome and know that you are not alone. in my case its a bit confusing -

By todays standards I am considered emotionally and phyiscally abused by my mother.

but by the standards of the time frame that my mother grew up and started having children Im not considered physically and emotionally abused by my mother.

the things that happened to me by her are not considered physical and emotional abuse. I grew up in the time frame where these now abusive situations were beginning to be questionable parenting skills.

So on the one side I was learning in school what things were beginning to be questionably abusive and on the other I was being raised with the only parenting skills that my mother had open to her.

Back then parents couldn't take a parenting class there was no such thing as parenting classes for relearning how to parent because of the standards with which she was raised were in the process of changing.

the result of changing times I grew up with all this conflicting information of in this generation this is considered ok and the next generation who knows whats acceptable or not but it may be considered abusive by some.

I know that for me there are things that I have to take care of for me but as far as my mother I know she did the best she could with what she was given in a time frame where things that now are against the law and abusive was ok to do back then.

I don't hold her responsible for what she did to me because back then what went on by her was acceptable. She knows that those standards are now considered abuse and have repeatedly appologized to me and I let her know that its ok there is no reason for her to apppolgize.

Its kind of like a person from one country emigrating to another country and then having children. The children grow up in the rules and standards of the new country and also the confliction of the parents home country ways. and sometimes whats right in one country is considered wrong in the other country.

it doesn't make the parents of the children being raised in this conflicting situaion wrong or bad parents.

My mom did the best thaat she could with the knowledge and standards of that time. Just like children being raised now will most likely be raising their children with a complete different standards of what is right and wrong from my generation.

Hang in there. and again welcome.

[bebop]

babs thank goodness I was able to let it go. it did take me a long time and from time to time it does creep back in. she was physically abuseive to me as a child then as an adult it was verbal. it was totally her loss! think of it that way hon!

[babs92]

Please, please, please can you all help me here. My neice stayed with us at the weekend and she has confessed to me that she hates her father (my brother) and her nan (my mother) - she is living with them both and not her mother - abuse has been going on for some time. They are giving her no space, she says he is not her dad, she doesnt want to live there and says it is worse there than living with her mother and boyfriend (he abused my neice as well). I am at my wits end with worry for her, this is so close to home for me I cannot bear it - I feel I want to keep her safe and take her away from all the abusive environment that she is in. Its a very complex situation but I have my own family to think of I know, but I feel I need to DO SOMETHING to help this innocent, totally mixed up child. I drove her home Sunday night and she didnt want to go back - we ended up driving a whole hour and her telling me everything - begging me not to take her home. I cried all the way back on my own, feeling I had left her there with them. Please someone guide me with this.

[bebop]

if you feel the little girl is in fact being truely abused you need to call childrens services asap!!!!

Teens normally dont like parents setting rules and boundries and consider this "not getting enough space" but if you feel she is in danger then you can contact the child abuse agency in your area and they will investigate to find out if she truely is safe where she is or not. if not you may be asked to become her guardian until she reaches 16 or 18 depending on the state. nation wide a teen 16 or older can decide where they want to live (which is why so many runaways cannot be forced to return home if they are 16 or older) basically that all you really can do unless you choose to sit down with her gaurdians that she is now living with and have a "family meeting" where she can work things out with her guardians or they allow someone else to take over her care.

[babs92]

Hi Bee & Myself

My mother and brother (severely depressed and post traumatic stress disorder for a LONG time) are not able to give my neice proper parenting. This is a very complicated situation - she is screaming out for stability and she is not getting it one bit. My brother keeps saying to me "I don't know what to do". I am so ANGRY at him. He KNOWS my mother is at the root of all this abuse but he will not face up to it. He tried counselling for himself but pulled out, he couldnt cope. He is in my neice's face 24/7 he just does not have a clue how to cope with her. She talks extremely fast, his hyperactive, self injures in front of my mother.

My neice told me that my mother has been taking things out of her bedroom that her own mother gave to her and hiding them. My neice cuts her fringe really short and my mother says "you look like something out of the dark ages" - its all verbal abuse all over again - she got enough of this from her own mother. These things are just a few examples, there are many more - my mother is DRESSING her for christsake and letting her sleep in bed with her when she has nightmares!

Listen, my mother was horrifically sexually abused from the age of 8 to a late teen by her own father - now this speaks volumes in this situation. My mother only has a two bedroom bungalow, neice has own room and brother has a put you up bed in the lounge each night, living accommodation is not good.

I see clearly what is happening in this situation. My mother HATES my neice's mother for abuse to her daughter, my mother is infuriated with my brother for being so weak and depressed so she is constantly on his back and she is taking all this hatred out on my neice - neice is the victim. My mother is 61 and a widow and is hating this intrusion on her life and I think but am not sure that my mother has totally heightened the abuse situation between neice and her mother. Neice confessed all to my mother initially 4 months ago - can you imagine how my mother would react to that!

Sorry this is long but had to explain the situation in a little more detail here. I am going to my therapist today and put this all to him see what he thinks I should do, if anything. My husband is putting his foot down and saying we are not getting involved but I havent said that I feel I should ring childrens services and I am not sure myself yet.

[babs92]

Sorry but can someone please help and reply to my message above - I know this has become a long thread already but need some advice here with many thanks

[wisewoman]

Dealing with child protective services is no picnic at all. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out. For what it is worth...

1. Can you ask your brother if child can stay with you for a while as you see that he and "mom" are under a lot of stress? If he agrees have it in writing that you can seek care for her. You can also be appointed legal guardian.

2. If that fails make an appointment with an intake person at child services and explain the entire situation from day one. Try to give concrete examples.

3. If that fails invite your brother to parenting classes that you find and drag him to.

4. If that fails, well, I don't know, the next step would be illegal and I won't say it here.

[wisewoman]

Myself, I think that I am triggered by your post and it is off topic. I am starting another thread. Hang in there babs