My father Warning TRIGGER!!

He did some horrible, awful things to me, sexually. He threatened me and my mom and my little sister if I told. Every night. From age 4 yrs to 11 yrs when I hit puberty. My T says he hated women. My T hates him and my mom for letting it happen night after night. How could she not know?? Every night. Every. night. for hours. I wasn't raped and I wasn't killed, but pretty much everything else. He dislocated my jaw over and over through forcing oral sex. My mouth was just too small. And he humiliated me sexually. The things he did...I can hardly tell my T. I am forcing myself to because it hurts so bad. When I was in therapy as an adult of 18 I told. He was still alive and my sister was still in the house. But my T back then never reported it. My current T doesn't understand that. He said it should have been reported. My T doesn't understand how my father got away with it his whole life. He has been dead now for 8-9 years. I'm not really sure how long. I don't really care that he is dead. I am glad he is dead.

He hurt me. And I was so small. So very small. I was hurt so bad. I feel so bad. I feel so sad for that little girl. He dislocated my jaw. IT still pops out when I yawn or chew. He hurt me, made me bleed. Sometimes I just want to hurt myself. Because I think it was my fault How awful must I have been for my father to treat me like that? What was it about me? What is wrong with me? He was supposed to love me and care for me, protect me. Instead he humiliated me and abused me. I can't. I can't do this. I just can't stand it.

I am so sorry that your father did these awful things to you and your mother didn't help you. I don't know if she knew or not, but the fact is you were let down by both of them and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that T didn't report it also. It's fine that you are glad he is dead - I'm glad on your behalf.

I'm sorry if this is too strong for you to hear right now, but forced oral is a form of rape. It's called oral rape. I have jaw problems for similar reasons, also involving my father. Would it help you to know that I told my T in an email and he was very understanding and not disgusted at all. I felt better for telling him. I hope you can tell yours too.

It was NOT your fault. You were NOT awful. He treated you awfully and made you feel awful but you were and are not. Nobody ever deserves to be abused, there is never ever any justification for it and he shouldn't have done it. You are right: he should have looked after you and protected you and I'm so sorry he didn't.

I for one have been utterly tormented by these questions of why my dad did... similar things. It really, really hurts. But my T says none of this is insurmountable. It is possible to heal. I know it hurts, but you won't always feel this tormented by it, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

Thank you so much for responding. I thought no one cared. It is so raw, this hurting. It hurts to the very core of my soul. I have told my T some things, other things I had to write down for him. He saw how hard it was for me to tell. I would tell him I had something to say and then just shut down. He asked if I wanted to write it. So I did. In a way. Not very direct. There are some words I cannot say or write. He sort of had to interpret it and ask questions. He's angry at my father. He wants my father to suffer in prison and it is too late for that. Thank you for telling me about the oral rape. I thought I wasn't raped so what did happen to me didn't matter. Like it was nothing, you know? I kept thinking, why do I hurt so much if it doesn't matter?? Maybe. Maybe I matter at least a little bit. The pain goes so deep, you know?

I am so sorry. That was horrific. It was NOT your fault; you were a child and had no defense. You might want to consider writing a letter of "restorative justice"---even though he is dead....the letter says: This is what you did, this is how it made me feel. Get all of the anger, rage and pain out. Hugs, Nicole

You matter a WHOLE lot; you are as valuable as everyone on the planet. You are still here to tell your story....keep talking and getting the poison out. You might want to ask your t about writing a letter of restorative justice.

If you knew of a little girl who was violated as horrifically as you were, I am guessing you would tell her she is valuable and it was NEVER her fault.....YOU are that little girl.....try to love and cherish her.

It wasn't nothing and it does matter. I'm sorry you felt no-one cared. This forum section can be slow at times.

The pain does go deep. I can't tell you how to make it go away as I'm mired in it myself but I can tell you that your pain matters and I'm so sorry you have it.

I'm so sorry that your father did those horrible, evil things to you. None of it was your fault. You were an innocent child; you were betrayed by the very people who were supposed to protect you. That is their shame, not yours.

Actually, I do know of another little girl. My little sister. I don't blame her. I feel like I let her down. Like her abuse was my fault because I didn't tell. I was just so afraid. My father said he would kill my sister and Mom if I told. So I didn't tell. Thank you for telling me that I matter.

Thank you everyone. For the caring and your kind words. I hope it gets better soon. I really do. I am almost 41. I have suffered so long. I have suffered for 37 years. It is almost incomprehensible.

I am so sorry you had to endure that.

The pain goes deep and it does feel as if it never goes away. But we are Survivors of this abuse, we will prevail and move forward with our lives and do the very best that we can, for we know we were deserving of so much better. The inner child continues to remember and suffer, but be your own nurturing parent to that inner child and praise her for surviving and being brave enough to survive her ordeal, love your inner child and reassure her often. As an adult now, you can protect your own inner child and help her through the suffering. No child is deserving of being abused, we are innocent little children. It is our parents who are supposed to protect us, they are the ones who are supposed to show us by their actions, that the world is a safe place to be, that we are loved, wanted, and deserving. Often times they fail at their jobs so badly, they never should have been parents at all. I too suffered from the sexual child abuse at my father's hands, the youngest of three (3) girls, all of us suffer to this day from the effects of having been sexually abused. We were all told that he would kill us, told that our mother would leave us (fear of abandonment lingers throughout life) if we ever mentioned it. Throughout the years, having been the victim from age 3-12 and lived in fear even beyond until I was 18 yoa and left home, therapy has helped. My fathers death when I was 22 did not effect me, nor my sisters, we were glad he was gone. Even though he was gone, we knew from a very young age, that our mother would not protect us and the unspoken message by her actions / lack of action was --- fend for yourself, you are on your own. Our self-esteem in life has suffered from a fathers sexual abuse and a mother's emotional neglect and unwillingness to even listen to the oldest daughter at age 9, who did try to speak out and expected our mother to "make it stop" and to protect her little sisters. Children deserve better, but we are innocent children and we are not the ones as fault for what happened to us. PTSD and other conditions we are labeled with, but still, I refuse to see myself as a victim any longer, for I am... and so are you, a Survivor. May inner peace and harmony be yours from this day forward... friend and fellow Survivor.