[Yoda]

When I first met my boyfriend he was wonderful. And he stayed wonderful for 7 years. But after a long addiction to alcohol followed by an introduction to I-don't-know-what drug he changed. He became violent. He was violent for the last 2 years he was alive. Quite a few times I thought I was about to die as he held a gun to my head. There was more but I don't want to trigger anyone, I just want you to understand me. Nothing stopped him, not jail, restraining orders, therapy, alcoholic treatment... Finally on one of those days when he said he was going to kill me (and I could not escape) I shot and killed him. This was followed by a long period of grief/guilt. Even though 2 different people told me he had been saying that he planned to kill me.

So here I am today, in your forum, with fewer flashbacks/grief/guilt than when it happened but what has not changed it I do not trust anybody. How can I trust somebody in a relationship and think that they too will not change at some point and become violent? He was so kind for so long, but he changed. It could happen again. I only want to be by myself with the company of my horse.

Mods: if this post is inappropriate please delete it and PM me. I will leave quietly.

[biplol]

Yoda, I'm sorry you had to go thru all that.
Trusting, I think, is a really touchy subject for most of us at PC, but that doesn't mesn that working hard and putting you haert in the right place, can help the pain and teach you how to deal with this kind of things.
How long ago all this happened?
Do you have children?
I'm asking because those are the 2 things that to me help me make a blaance of where you are and maybe where you want to be.
Anyway. You can PM me anytime and WElcome!!!!!

[hillbunnyb]

))))))) ) yoda ((((((( welcome to PC. sounds like you have been through it.... gee whiz, sooo sorry. talk about worst fears!! from your post, his change was the change caused by drugs.
how hard for you to have your partner "go bad" on you like that. one thing i offer for thought is: focus on your own healing for now. don't worry about your next relationship yet. maybe get more over this last one first, ya know?

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome Yoda. I am so sorry of what you have had to endure. I can only imagine some of the emotions you are feeling. When I was younger my horses were my salvation too. I am here if you ever want to talk. Just PM me. Take care.

[JustAPixie]

((((((((( Yoda )))))))))

Welcome to PC. How awful that your life had to come to that!!!

[Evangelista]

Yoda..Welcome to PC..you have endured so much..hope that you can find peace with all that you have been thru.. your story really touched me...thank you for being courageous enough to share it and I wish you well on your healing journey..

Take care...

Eva

[(JD)]

Yoda, the only caution I would give regarding posting this type of post is to use the trig (trigger) Icon (option at left on regular response windows, below the subject line I think on thread origin)

I'm sorry for what you went through, and glad it is you that is alive, if there was a choice

You will trust again. You already do trust some things and ppl actually. Of course you mete it out cautiously, and I don't blame you. Don't worry about trusting some ONE again, but learn to be comfortable on some level of life first.

Welcome again!

[Yoda]

Thanks for the support. I was pretty scared about posting my first post. I will look for that icon if I start any more threads - thanks.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
biplol said:

How long ago all this happened?
Do you have children?
I'm asking because those are the 2 things that to me help me make a blaance of where you are and maybe where you want to be.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

My boyfriend died 6 years ago. I had to stop working as a RN a year preceding his death when he came to the hospital where I worked as a RN for 15 years. He threatened to kill me in the lobby of the hospital and I flipped out. Work had become my safe place where life was normal. On that day I realized I was not safe anywhere and could not think clearly and had to stop working. I am now on disability for mental illness. I miss work so much. I want to go back but I am not ready. During the first 3 years after his death I slept 12-14 hrs/day to avoid the pain.

I have one son, now 17 y/o. He was 11 when his step-dad died. My boyfriend loved my son very much and never abused him, only me. He would drag me into another room where my son could not watch. But he heard things and I think he has been affected. In the past 3 years my son has began acting out by threatening homocide (mostly his dead-beat biological dad that he has a poor relationship with). He has stabbed the walls with a knive, broken lots of things, and twice has physically attacked people. He has been hospitalized 3 times for bipolar/ADHD.
I love my son but he is a handful. Sometimes when he acts out I begin having flashbacks to my abuse and am unable to react. I just go to my room with the lights off or go to the barn to see my horse.

Where I am: Happy to be alive. Yet I still think every day I live may be my last. Even though the threat of my boyfriend is gone I know there are other people like him still in the world. Paranoid or real threat?
I have 2 friends where I live that I see maybe once a month and several internet friends who share my addiction to model horses. I am not lonely. I enjoy being by myself. I like the peace.
I named my farm "Almost Paradise Farm". Because >99% of what I have experienced here has been wonderful. Had my boyfriend not flipped out it would have been paradise.

Where I want to be: I want to go back to work as a RN. Write a book for kids or write for a nursing journal. I would like to have a few more friends but have no interest in romance.
Would like to be more responsible with my finances - I spend way too much on model horses and let bills go. I was looking for help with that problem when I found this board.

[almostangela]

Hello Yoda. Thank you for sharing your story and joining the forum. A lot of your story has many of the same scenerios and outcomes as myself, but less severe because I got away without an ending in death. (my doc drugged him, long story). As with me, it was about 6 years ago and I also have a 17 year old son. My heart goes out to you because I know some of what you are feeling and relate to what you say.

In regards to your question about trusting someone for a relationship, I went through that too. My biggest fear was that through my own ignorance and naivity, I couldn't see the devil if he was standing right in front of me,and worse yet, that my personality was the cause of it all. If I had been a different person, this wouldn't have transpired. I couldn't trust myself. (My guy didn't show his true colours until the boys were born).

I'm in a relationship now and it is more of divine circumstance, I think. I never went looking and I kept bumping into this tough looking, but sweet guy. At first I was terrified because if my last could hold me against my will, this one certainly could too. I was afraid I was attracted to the same kind of man, but it turned out that this guy was the opposite because he was secure in himself.

I let him know a bit of what transpired and I took my sweet time in allowing trust to enter. Tiny baby steps and it was 4 years before I finally warmed up enough to see there was a future. I was ready to break up with him so many times and at a moment's notice. (Still am) Triggers galore. What I kept in my head, over and over again, is that if he is worthy of my love, he will still be around when I am ready. Sounds harsh because you risk loosing someone because of it, but I knew it couldn't be another way. Also, during this process, I was always questioning my actions so I wouldn't be repeating my past. One of which is I am very accommodating and like to spoil people. I had to learn to say no when I didn't want to, and mostly to allow another to spoil me. I also had to learn to argue and know that I wasn't going to have to 'pay a price' for speaking up. The first few disagreements led me into a complete tizzy before I would speak up, and then I was ready with all my defenses, for when he would start yelling or something. I really was surprised to find out that I could get mad, and even be dead wrong, and my new guy wouldn't trash me for it, hold it against me, and love me anyways. It has not been easy, but little by little I tested the waters.

What I'm saying is that it is so sweet to be alone and without someone hanging over you making his demands known. You are healing and it is only over when it is over. No timeframe to give you. Enjoy being alone and if there should be an opening with someone, know that it can be okay. Do things on your terms.

It seems your son's pain is surfacing with his hormones. I hope you can get someone to talk to him. What he likely needs is a good role model and even if you have to go outside of your family, there may be a mentoring program for him. Sports and a good coach is sometimes a very positive thing. I'm sure you've tried many things because one thing you are not, and that is a quitter. Congradulations on making it this far. I am so very proud of you and I hope something I said may have helped you farther along.

Anj